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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texting female colleague - would this bother you?

148 replies

Text123 · 01/08/2023 12:57

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable here, and would like others opinions.

Husband was showing me something on his phone today, in the middle of a long conversation he has going with a female colleague. The thread went back for ages, and I commented that he seems to be texting her a lot.

He let me see the conversation, and they have exchanged hundreds of messages going back to January. They both work the same shift pattern (antisocial hours), and most of the messages are work related, but there are a few that aren't, like sending photo's of their dinner (at work). To be fair, it was a buffet put on at work.

The most texts they exchanged were 51 in one day. They used to work on the same team, and in one message she says that they (her and her colleagues) miss him, and he texted back "I miss you too". She also sent a selfie of herself and a colleague yesterday with the caption "we love you". Other than that, the chat is solely work based and there isn't any flirting. No kisses and no emojis etc.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable by being irritated by this, because the messages are 99% work related. I think it irked me because he hadn't been intimate with me for 3 months, prior to yesterday when we ended that dry spell.

What do you think?

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 01/08/2023 13:45

I'd like to be a cool wife and say I'd be ok with it but really, my now-XH lives with the woman he had long "just friends" texts with.

chaos76 · 01/08/2023 13:51

I got jealous of my husband’s work female friend I forbid him from seeing her I totally squashed their relationship, he is an introvert so I feel incredible guilty for ruining this friendship he actually needed her to support him like any friend I understand that now I was just insecure (they both left the company so he wasnt seeing her at work )

The issues you have are separate, the work relationship and the sex in your marriage dont blur them.

baileys6904 · 01/08/2023 13:52

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I don't like speaking on the phone. Texting is easier, I can do it while on a works meeting and it's just as effective. I dread to think how many messages I send in a day, both personal and to work colleagues. I've yet to shag someone else and have been with my partner well over 10 years.

I'm also closer to 50 than I'd like to be, so strangely it's not just 50+ year old men trying to shag a 30 year old woman that has texting tendencys

CointreauVersial · 01/08/2023 13:53

I exchange text chit chat with one of my (male) colleagues, lots of in-jokes and banter, and there's absolutely nothing in it. It's a laugh, and I count him as a friend (although work hours only....it would feel a little odd to text him at the weekend). He's met DH.

I don't think texting in itself is an indicator that something is going on. Especially as he readily showed you the conversation - that doesn't sound like a guilty person.

OdeToBarney · 01/08/2023 13:54

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 13:11

I think your husband is playing with fire, personally. That's much too much imo. I'm not saying he's done anything wrong, yet, but I think his head has been turned and he's enjoying the attention.

This.

Dery · 01/08/2023 13:55

It would probably bother you less if you and your husband were sexually intimate on a regular basis but once in 3 months and him giving a lot of attention elsewhere is bound to feel off.

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 13:56

Boundaries are being eroded. I think your instincts are bang on. It might not be an affair yet but they are heading in a risky direction

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:58

janeyredlion · 01/08/2023 13:40

I think you're being silly, it's just chatting

But here in the real world that's how most affairs start. An emotional connection, enjoying conversation. I would be concerned about the intensity. 50 texts in a day is what I might have done when DH and I first got together and I was thinking about him ALL the time.

OP I would be wondering if he senses this is heading into dodgy territory...... he's feeling slightly guilty but doesn't know why as he hasn't "technically" done anything wrong. Therefore he shows you something on his phone that's within the messages and is happy for you to see his phone so you can see the messages, see that it's innocent, no kisses or suggestive emojis, and now he's not "hiding" anything so it's definitely innocent! he can reassure himself that's he's not doing anything wrong whilst he continues to divert the majority of his emotional energies into conversing with a woman twenty years younger than him.

Maybe, I don't know.

I just can't imagine texting another man this much. A man that my husband doesn't know.

OP posts:
Pastapoodles · 01/08/2023 13:58

I think the main think that could be irking you is he is investing an awful lot of time in this 'friendship'. Why not send you the mundane dinner pics?
I don't think there's anything in it, yet, but I can equally see the tide changing with him building a connection with this woman.
Does the lack of intimacy coincide with the start of these messages to this woman?
I would keep a close but secretive eye on this, if you clamp down you are pushing him her way but equally to think nothing of it and brush it under the carpet you might end up with a nasty shock.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:59

OdeToBarney · 01/08/2023 13:54

This.

Show quote history

This is what is worrying me.

OP posts:
WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 01/08/2023 14:00

okiedokie1 · 01/08/2023 13:00

It could be innocent but it's very unwise to be investing quite so much time messaging. It's not wrong to be friends but it's wise when you are in a committed relationship to not allow lines to be blurred as it opens the door to fantasy, imagination, crushes and ultimately betrayal. 51 messages in one day is frankly odd. Who messaged even their best friend or partner that much.

^

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:00

Dery · 01/08/2023 13:55

It would probably bother you less if you and your husband were sexually intimate on a regular basis but once in 3 months and him giving a lot of attention elsewhere is bound to feel off.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here.

OP posts:
BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 14:02

He's also clearly not focussing on his job which will show in his work performance

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:02

Pastapoodles · 01/08/2023 13:58

I think the main think that could be irking you is he is investing an awful lot of time in this 'friendship'. Why not send you the mundane dinner pics?
I don't think there's anything in it, yet, but I can equally see the tide changing with him building a connection with this woman.
Does the lack of intimacy coincide with the start of these messages to this woman?
I would keep a close but secretive eye on this, if you clamp down you are pushing him her way but equally to think nothing of it and brush it under the carpet you might end up with a nasty shock.

The mundane dinner pics were sent in the middle of the night. I would have been asleep, but I did also say this. The lack of intimacy is a long standing problem. But he is trying to address it, with supplements etc.

OP posts:
BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 14:03

And as a manager I would be unimpressed to discover two of my team were messaging this much, particularly if the man was much older and even more so if he was more senior at work.

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 14:05

Could you try relationship counselling?

DH and I went after I discover a similar string of messaging and our counsellor helped him see how inappropriate it was and how he was using her to stroke his ego (and how it would be harming him professionally too)

We are in a better place now, I think me calling him out on it and making it clear it was outside what i would put up with in a relationship gave him a shock

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:05

They are the same "level" at work. And the chat is genuinely work related 99% of the time, which is why I am doubting myself. But I don't like the "miss yous" and the like, even though the inference is that the team misses him.

OP posts:
Fishpieandchips · 01/08/2023 14:06

The grass is greenest where its watered..

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 14:06

If it's work related it should be happening on work devices though.

And yes, the miss you is ick!

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 14:06

Fishpieandchips · 01/08/2023 14:06

The grass is greenest where its watered..

Yep.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:08

I honestly don't think we need counselling. We are generally in a good place relationship wise. This has just made me feel a bit shit.

OP posts:
WantingToEducate · 01/08/2023 14:08

If it’s 99% work related then I wouldn’t be worried about it.

He’s hardy going to let you go back and look through all his messages is he if there was something fishy going on?

If it’s 99% work chat and there is no flirting, no kisses, no cheeky emoji’s and the worst thing you can see is a picture of someone’s lunch then I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.

upallnight76 · 01/08/2023 14:09

It would definitely bother me. It probably is innocent but the dinner and missing your texts would bother me

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:09

Such a headfuck.

OP posts:
WorldCuppa · 01/08/2023 14:10

@Dery yes but is OP doing 50/50 round the house, chores, mental load etc.?