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Original poster

Husband texting female colleague - would this bother you?

148 replies

Text123 · 01/08/2023 12:57

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable here, and would like others opinions.

Husband was showing me something on his phone today, in the middle of a long conversation he has going with a female colleague. The thread went back for ages, and I commented that he seems to be texting her a lot.

He let me see the conversation, and they have exchanged hundreds of messages going back to January. They both work the same shift pattern (antisocial hours), and most of the messages are work related, but there are a few that aren't, like sending photo's of their dinner (at work). To be fair, it was a buffet put on at work.

The most texts they exchanged were 51 in one day. They used to work on the same team, and in one message she says that they (her and her colleagues) miss him, and he texted back "I miss you too". She also sent a selfie of herself and a colleague yesterday with the caption "we love you". Other than that, the chat is solely work based and there isn't any flirting. No kisses and no emojis etc.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable by being irritated by this, because the messages are 99% work related. I think it irked me because he hadn't been intimate with me for 3 months, prior to yesterday when we ended that dry spell.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 12:58

Oh, I should have said also - he is 50 and she looks to be about 30.

OP posts:
AliceForSupper · 01/08/2023 12:59

51 in a day would make me wonder.

okiedokie1 · 01/08/2023 13:00

It could be innocent but it's very unwise to be investing quite so much time messaging. It's not wrong to be friends but it's wise when you are in a committed relationship to not allow lines to be blurred as it opens the door to fantasy, imagination, crushes and ultimately betrayal. 51 messages in one day is frankly odd. Who messaged even their best friend or partner that much.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:01

That 51, were one liners, you know when someone has a habit of typing a few words, then send, then the next bit of the sentence, then send. Personally, I type the whole text before sending.

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/08/2023 13:04

Wouldn't bother me. I text my male colleague because wa are also friends. I text him selfish and recently lots of I miss you messages as he's been off on long term sick for a few months, and I bloody missed him! Coz he's awesome!!

I think you're being silly, it's just chatting.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/08/2023 13:04

*selfies not selfish.

Mn needs an edit button

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 13:06

Do they ever get any work actually done? 51 texts is ridiculous.

I don't know if there's anything going on but perhaps he or she would like there to be.

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 13:06

I really don't get all this texting rubbish.

It's much quicker to pick up a phone and actually talk.

51 in a day isn't normal, when does he get any work done ??

BubziOwl · 01/08/2023 13:07

It would very much bother me, but I'm not a particularly reasonable person so I don't think my answer is of much help to you!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/08/2023 13:08

He's putting a whole lot of effort into a "friendship" with someone 20 yrs younger than him.

And not so much into the actual marriage he is in, 3 months no sex, hmmm his mind has been elsewhere perhaps 🤔

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 13:11

I think your husband is playing with fire, personally. That's much too much imo. I'm not saying he's done anything wrong, yet, but I think his head has been turned and he's enjoying the attention.

Gateappreciation · 01/08/2023 13:17

I think, at present, it sounds fairly innocent. It’s just normal chatter. Even the ‘miss you’ comments seem fairly incongruous at the moment.

Have you seen any changes in his behaviour? Ie. Secretive with his phone, texting late at night, prioritising texting over talking to you?

However, I agree he’s playing with fire.

Alcemeg · 01/08/2023 13:23

I wouldn't be bothered by this. Some people just love texting. It doesn't sound as there's anything in it.

funtimes1987 · 01/08/2023 13:25

He's devoting an awful lot of energy to this.

CurlewKate · 01/08/2023 13:25

Most of the messages are work related- just a few personal ones in amongst? Don't see the problem.
I have a friend who does that sentence at a time thing-I got a message made up of 12 segments yesterday!

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:26

No change in behaviour. Not secretive with phone. Part of me feels unreasonable, because it is work related, I think it's the sheer volume of chat with a woman I don't know, whilst neglecting me sexually at the same time. I just feel a bit.....deflated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:27

For some reason, I felt annoyed about the dinner pics!

OP posts:
Dery · 01/08/2023 13:27

“He's putting a whole lot of effort into a "friendship" with someone 20 yrs younger than him.

And not so much into the actual marriage he is in, 3 months no sex, hmmm his mind has been elsewhere perhaps 🤔”

This. As gets said on here a lot, it’s always the pretty younger women who get this level of attention from middle-aged husbands…

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:28

Yeah, it's never Hairy Mike, is it?

OP posts:
funtimes1987 · 01/08/2023 13:32

Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:27

For some reason, I felt annoyed about the dinner pics!

Why?

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:35

I think because who cares what you're having for dinner. It's not work chat is it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 13:38

Alcemeg · 01/08/2023 13:23

I wouldn't be bothered by this. Some people just love texting. It doesn't sound as there's anything in it.

Op, does your husband "just love" texting?

janeyredlion · 01/08/2023 13:40

I think you're being silly, it's just chatting

But here in the real world that's how most affairs start. An emotional connection, enjoying conversation. I would be concerned about the intensity. 50 texts in a day is what I might have done when DH and I first got together and I was thinking about him ALL the time.

OP I would be wondering if he senses this is heading into dodgy territory...... he's feeling slightly guilty but doesn't know why as he hasn't "technically" done anything wrong. Therefore he shows you something on his phone that's within the messages and is happy for you to see his phone so you can see the messages, see that it's innocent, no kisses or suggestive emojis, and now he's not "hiding" anything so it's definitely innocent! he can reassure himself that's he's not doing anything wrong whilst he continues to divert the majority of his emotional energies into conversing with a woman twenty years younger than him.

funtimes1987 · 01/08/2023 13:41

Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:35

I think because who cares what you're having for dinner. It's not work chat is it?

It could be a standard work joke 'what are you having for dinner', like a daily ritual. It happened at a place I worked once. Anyway, that wouldn't bother me. What would bother me is the amount of time and energy he's devoting to reading and responding to the texts. 51 is an awful lot.

Nellynoowhoareyou · 01/08/2023 13:41

Personally, I think it’s one of these annoying situations that you can’t really [reasonably] make any demands over but you do need to be wary of. You have to trust your OH at the end of the day, even if the female’s intentions are possibly not pure. Hopefully, knowing it makes you uncomfortable will be enough for him to take a step back out of respect for you and your relationship. Sounds like you possibly have other problems that need addressing tho (ie intimacy dry spell).