Page 5 | Husband texting female colleague - would this bother you?

Text123 · 2023-08-01T11:57:31+00:00

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable here, and would like others opinions. Husband was showing me something on his phone today, in the middle of a long conversation he has going with a female colleague. The thread went back for ages, and I commented that he seems to be texting her a lot. He let me see the conversation, and they have exchanged hundreds of messages going back to January. They both work the same shift pattern (antisocial hours), and most of the messages are work related, but there are a few that aren't, like sending photo's of their dinner (at work). To be fair, it was a buffet put on at work. The most texts they exchanged were 51 in one day. They used to work on the same team, and in one message she says that they (her and her colleagues) miss him, and he texted back "I miss you too". She also sent a selfie of herself and a colleague yesterday with the caption "we love you". Other than that, the chat is solely work based and there isn't any flirting. No kisses and no emojis etc. I don't know if I am being unreasonable by being irritated by this, because the messages are 99% work related. I think it irked me because he hadn't been intimate with me for 3 months, prior to yesterday when we ended that dry spell. What do you think?

CarnelianArtist · 01/08/2023 16:37

I wouldn't like it as it could lead to an emotional affair. However, technically he hasn't done anything wrong if he isn't flirting. I knew a guy at work who had a younger female friend he'd lunch with, pop to each others desk etc.. his wife worked there and didn't seem to care. It was never like an affair, but if it were my husband I'd have been jealous. Maybe she just reasoned that he was a bit of a flirt but was trustworthy and nice.

I think there isn't a wrong or right. If you don't like it though I think talk about it.

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 16:45

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 16:33

That is a very different scenario.

To the OP, you are being unreasonable, this is your issue. This sort of paranoia wrecks marriages. If my wife had an issue with me messaging colleagues about 90% work related things and the odd bit of chat or banter it would irk me no end.

Its perfectly natural to form friendships or good working relationships with colleagues regardless of gender. Trust your husband, if you make an issue out of this you will put him in the position to either lose face at work by creating an uncomfortable position for him, or you will put him in a position to break your trust by lying to you about an innocent friendship because you are having unreasonable feelings/reaction to it

I have female work friends that I communicate with outside of the work environment, my wife has male work friends that she also communicates with outside of work. We both trust each other implicitly.

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I trusted my H implicitly too. He’s worked abroad in several different countries over the years and he’s told me about taking female employees/colleagues out for drinks/meals but I’ve never thought anything about it because I trusted him. For two years I had no idea that his messages to his young, female employee weren’t simply based on work needs either. He broke my trust you see …

Aikko · 01/08/2023 16:50

Dery · 01/08/2023 13:27

“He's putting a whole lot of effort into a "friendship" with someone 20 yrs younger than him.

And not so much into the actual marriage he is in, 3 months no sex, hmmm his mind has been elsewhere perhaps 🤔”

This. As gets said on here a lot, it’s always the pretty younger women who get this level of attention from middle-aged husbands…

Bullseye.

He's playing with fire.

tt9 · 01/08/2023 16:51

I have to say YABU. I am in a line of work where we work long anti social hours in gruelling circumstances and really for most of us, our lives revolve around work. we form close bonds to survive the many traumatic events we witness. even if this wasn't the case, doing long shifts with people builds a bond. this sort of communication is pretty normal. and many build close friendships at work. I have a number of male colleagues who I socialise with and msg. lots of harmless banter to help destress. lots of pics/memes. he surely wouldn't have shown you if there was any harm in it.

I feel like you are unhappy about the dry spell and projecting those feelings onto this other unrelated friendship he has. maybe address the issues within the marriage?

ps if you confront him about this... he might think (rightly) you don't trust him... and that may not have a positive impact.

gannett · 01/08/2023 16:53

MyMiniMetro · 01/08/2023 16:15

This is all sorts of nope. You are allowed to be jealous and suspicious of things like this and every once in a while lay down the law about a situation, even if others think it's OTT. Tell him to start a work WhatsApp group for ALL their colleagues to 'banter' on, the female colleague included, but absolutely no more direct texts back and forth. Ask to check it out every now and again and make sure others are in the group are posting.

This way they can still banter but the group dynamics and public nature of it, will keep things reasonable. If they carry on communicating outside the group behind your back then you know for certain you have a problem. Come on, if it's a choice between packing-in stupid texts with a colleague you don't care about intimately, or upsetting the person you love, you wouldn't carry on upsetting the person you love, would you?

Yes, if the OP was like this with every female her husband ever speaks to, then it would be a problem to make such a request but to deal with a one-off situation causing concern, then it's perfectly reasonable. I call it playing the 'neurotic free-pass card' and every long-term relationship should have one that can be played once in blue moon. It's the understanding that 'I might be being completely neurotic here but you love me so much you will do whatever it takes to help me feel better and reassured.' It really does have to be very, very rarely used (like once every 7 years) and you have to be normal the rest of the time 😄

I suppose you are "allowed" to feel whatever neurotic things you feel but it's horrifying that anyone feels it's even a tiny bit reasonable to impose rules on how your partner's place of work, and his colleagues, conduct their communication. Completely bonkers. I'd never tolerate that in a relationship - if my partner thought they could seriously ask me to ask my colleagues to set up a group chat specifically to placate them, they would not be my partner for much longer. And if a friend told me his/her partner had asked this of them, I'd be advising them to get the hell out of that controlling relationship.

No, you don't get to "lay down the law" in a healthy relationship FFS.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/08/2023 16:54

Hmm, I’d be suspicious too. I don’t necessarily think he’s doing anything wrong if you get what I mean, but he seems to be diverting his energies to her rather than you. He could be flattered by her attention and he could also be flattered by the fact he can ‘be someone else’ with her, ie forget he’s married, forget he has intimacy troubles, etc.

My ex DH did this. There was nothing inappropriate or sexual, but it was all too much - frequent texts, jokes, pictures. An emotional affair. Of course, he denied it all but he’s with her now.

Speak to him so that he understands how you feel. As said, ask him how he’d feel if you were texting a younger man. But as well as all that, watch out for yourself. Keep your eyes open. Be alert.

saraclara · 01/08/2023 16:58

lay down the law about a situation, even if others think it's OTT. Tell him to start a work WhatsApp group for ALL their colleagues to 'banter' on, the female colleague included, but absolutely no more direct texts back and forth. Ask to check it out every now and again and make sure others are in the group are posting.

Jesus. What have I just read? If a man insisted on this (and CHECKED HIS WIFE'S WORK WHATSAPP REGULARLY!) there'd be a record number of LTB responses.
This is stalkery insanity writ large.

MyMiniMetro · 01/08/2023 17:02

Yeah, you literally do. If you go to marriage counselling you are encouraged to draw up a contract of what you need and the other person puts on what they need. Neither partner has to agree to the terms but if they don't and can't compromise, it's pretty much the end of the relationship. We're not saying this situation is about friends 'plural' we talking about one particular friend. If staying friends with a colleague is more important than your relationship, then sure, that's your prerogative, but it's also reasonable for the other party to put conditions in this 'contact' about this one problematic friend. The other person doesn't have to be okay with everything you do just because you think they should be okay with everything you do 😄

caringcarer · 01/08/2023 17:20

51 text in one day he is clearly infatuated with her. I'd tell him text her one more time and we will divorce.

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 17:21

@MyMiniMetro if you are in relationship counselling, more than likely you are in an issue filled relationship to begin with.

What you are suggesting is ridiculous. If my wife wanted to scrutinise my life like that I would leave. Either there is trust or there isn’t. This “problem person” is the OP’s unreasonable problem and by dealing with it how you are suggesting will only create more, not fix them.

For all those that say I trusted my other half and they broke it, that sucks but that is the risk that comes with trusting. Being baselessly distrustful because of others/past experiences is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

angrybread · 01/08/2023 17:51

adding on to my earlier posts that 51 messages is not a lot, i think the emergency services (antisocial hours / night shift and draining work) context is important too. i do know people in that line and they have a special (platonic) bond and intense communication with their colleagues. sorry!

btw, i know people think broken up typing is annoying, but judging by the many posters that missed out on the mention of her typing style, the average user sadly does needs information fed to them in the smallest micro units, like bite sized literacy friendly dinosaur shaped nuggets……

angrybread · 01/08/2023 17:54

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/08/2023 15:22

God they always manage to make friends with young women don't they? Yeah, wouldn't be happy with this, that's before I got to the 51 texts in one day. Don't know what you can do about it though. It won't stop and will escalate. They will take it too far without a doubt.

think the thing is - are they night shift partners, and is he also messaging others (maybe with a different typing style, so 5-10 normal messages) in the same way / with the same pattern? just that they wouldn’t be on a jealous wife’s radar, maybe if they’re male and so on.

honestly emergency services is gruelling work and i’ve seen it destroy relationships, not due to fidelity issues but lack of attention etc especially compared to the special bond most colleagues have

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/08/2023 18:04

Hopefully, the OP would have mentioned if he messaged other colleagues in the same vein @angrybread . If not and he messages others similarly then agree, its not an issue. I know how gruelling working for emergency services is, I also know how many inappropriate relationships are formed because of that. It's what binds people together. That doesn't make it ok for the partners at home though does it? It's not an excuse even though it is the cause. However if he does message others then I do agree it isn't an issue. I am willing to bet he doesn't though.

Sillymummies123 · 01/08/2023 18:04

Christ, are people not allowed friends anymore? 51 messages in a day with someone you regularly message is not a lot. Also, wife or not, you have zero right to limit his social communication. You can always give an ultimatum but that would be insane and you would be beyond unreasonable.

Even if he has a crush - have you never had one? Crushes, even when married, are normal. Just Google it! Communicate with him, make jokes about him "pursuing a younger woman" - see his reaction, but you would be unreasonable to be angry.

To all the "this is a how affairs start", obviously an affair would start with people talking. How many people talk without having an affair?

Beware the bizarre scorned bias of mumsnet, OP.

StopStartStop · 01/08/2023 18:05

Irritated? I'd be blazing mad. So mad in fact that his stuff would be in bin bags on the doorstep for him to collect.

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 18:07

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 17:21

@MyMiniMetro if you are in relationship counselling, more than likely you are in an issue filled relationship to begin with.

What you are suggesting is ridiculous. If my wife wanted to scrutinise my life like that I would leave. Either there is trust or there isn’t. This “problem person” is the OP’s unreasonable problem and by dealing with it how you are suggesting will only create more, not fix them.

For all those that say I trusted my other half and they broke it, that sucks but that is the risk that comes with trusting. Being baselessly distrustful because of others/past experiences is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

I wasn’t being baselessly distrusting though, was I? I trusted him completely. The end result wasn’t great. He broke my trust. You seem to be quite naïve. Trusting or not trusting your partner isn’t what makes them trustworthy or untrustworthy. If you think it does, can you explain your reasoning?

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 18:08

Sillymummies123 · 01/08/2023 18:04

Christ, are people not allowed friends anymore? 51 messages in a day with someone you regularly message is not a lot. Also, wife or not, you have zero right to limit his social communication. You can always give an ultimatum but that would be insane and you would be beyond unreasonable.

Even if he has a crush - have you never had one? Crushes, even when married, are normal. Just Google it! Communicate with him, make jokes about him "pursuing a younger woman" - see his reaction, but you would be unreasonable to be angry.

To all the "this is a how affairs start", obviously an affair would start with people talking. How many people talk without having an affair?

Beware the bizarre scorned bias of mumsnet, OP.

Nonsense.

As others have said , we can safely bet he doesn't sent 51 messages a day to balding Brian in accounts.

No we can't tell others what to do, but we can make it clear what are lines in the sand are in a relationship and then it's down to them to decide what's more important.

If my H wants to message women half his age 51 times a day that's fine, but it's also fine for me to decide I would rather exit the relationship if he does so.

Sillymummies123 · 01/08/2023 18:10

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 18:08

Nonsense.

As others have said , we can safely bet he doesn't sent 51 messages a day to balding Brian in accounts.

No we can't tell others what to do, but we can make it clear what are lines in the sand are in a relationship and then it's down to them to decide what's more important.

If my H wants to message women half his age 51 times a day that's fine, but it's also fine for me to decide I would rather exit the relationship if he does so.

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My DH sends probably double that to his other wife (childhood male friend), more if I'm unlucky!

saraclara · 01/08/2023 18:10

caringcarer · 01/08/2023 17:20

51 text in one day he is clearly infatuated with her. I'd tell him text her one more time and we will divorce.

OP isn't talking about 51 separate conversations! Talking about one work thing for five or ten minutes will easily result in 51 'speech bubbles'.

Especially as she said

that one of them puts

the equivalent of of a paragraph

into separate lines of text.

Like this

Sillymummies123 · 01/08/2023 18:11

saraclara · 01/08/2023 18:10

OP isn't talking about 51 separate conversations! Talking about one work thing for five or ten minutes will easily result in 51 'speech bubbles'.

Especially as she said

that one of them puts

the equivalent of of a paragraph

into separate lines of text.

Like this

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Agreed
Some MNers clearly showing their age here.

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:14

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 18:07

I wasn’t being baselessly distrusting though, was I? I trusted him completely. The end result wasn’t great. He broke my trust. You seem to be quite naïve. Trusting or not trusting your partner isn’t what makes them trustworthy or untrustworthy. If you think it does, can you explain your reasoning?

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No, I think you have taken me up wrong. That’s the risk of trust, your ex broke that trust. That is not a reason to carry a distrust to others. That is simply a reason to no longer trust him.

The OP husband has given her, as much as we can tell from this story, any reason to distrust him at all.

I was cheated on by a past partner and once that was broken it ended that. It has not made me instantly distrustful of others as a result.

saraclara · 01/08/2023 18:16

Sillymummies123 · 01/08/2023 18:11

Agreed
Some MNers clearly showing their age here.

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I'm 67 and I get it! There must be some nonagarians on this thread, or some rather young luddites!

It really is depressing how people dump their comprehension skills and logic at the door when there's a chance to label a man as a cheater. .

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 18:20

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:14

No, I think you have taken me up wrong. That’s the risk of trust, your ex broke that trust. That is not a reason to carry a distrust to others. That is simply a reason to no longer trust him.

The OP husband has given her, as much as we can tell from this story, any reason to distrust him at all.

I was cheated on by a past partner and once that was broken it ended that. It has not made me instantly distrustful of others as a result.

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My previous partner cheated on me multiple times with mutual female work colleagues. It made not one jot of difference to my mindset because he was just one person and did not represent the male sex as a whole. Therefore, I trusted my current partner implicitly. I’d have sworn he’d never have cheated. He did though and I’m not sure that my faith in him, or a lack of faith (which I clearly didn’t have) played any part in his decision to cheat. Where’s the evidence?

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:23

I don’t understand the question?

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 18:32

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:23

I don’t understand the question?

Have I misunderstood your argument? I thought, but I’m genuinely happy to be corrected, that you were saying that if one trusts one’s partner, that’s some sort of prophylactic against them cheating? Have I got that wrong?