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Original poster

Husband texting female colleague - would this bother you?

148 replies

Text123 · 01/08/2023 12:57

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable here, and would like others opinions.

Husband was showing me something on his phone today, in the middle of a long conversation he has going with a female colleague. The thread went back for ages, and I commented that he seems to be texting her a lot.

He let me see the conversation, and they have exchanged hundreds of messages going back to January. They both work the same shift pattern (antisocial hours), and most of the messages are work related, but there are a few that aren't, like sending photo's of their dinner (at work). To be fair, it was a buffet put on at work.

The most texts they exchanged were 51 in one day. They used to work on the same team, and in one message she says that they (her and her colleagues) miss him, and he texted back "I miss you too". She also sent a selfie of herself and a colleague yesterday with the caption "we love you". Other than that, the chat is solely work based and there isn't any flirting. No kisses and no emojis etc.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable by being irritated by this, because the messages are 99% work related. I think it irked me because he hadn't been intimate with me for 3 months, prior to yesterday when we ended that dry spell.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 15:59

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 15:50

There’s a book that I found very helpful when my H was exchanging multiple messages via different media with a young woman over thirty years my junior. It’s called ‘Not Just Friends’ and the main author is Shirley Glass. I used the information I gained from reading it to confront my husband about what was going on, and we almost divorced when he refused to end his ‘friendship’.

I went to a solicitor and got divorce papers drawn up, at which point he suddenly decided he no longer ‘needed’ to follow a young girl on social media, exchange photos, text, call her etc. At the time I felt devastated because, like your H, he’d turned away from me and towards a young, impressionable woman who was complimenting him and making the stupid old goat feel young again, allegedly and acting coldly towards me. A year or so down the line I’ve realised that my love for him has now died and I no longer respect him. He’s got no idea how I feel and I’m currently weighing up my options. House is being valued next time he’s away with work …

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Was your H flirting with this woman? Mine isn't, but it's the sheer volume of messages that irritated me. But like gannet says, that annoying one line for every text sent, does make 51 messages into maybe 10. Just looks a lot on the phone.

OP posts:
Bonfire23 · 01/08/2023 16:06

Oof I don't know
I would be very watchful with what you've said in your posts but I will say when I worked in that environment we would message all night because we were the only people awake often
It would be mundane stuff like
What's for lunch, god it's busy, did you hear about X, such a person is leaving.. there wasn't anything in it

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 16:06

Well, most of the texts were work related and I had no problem with those, even though he only ever sent male colleagues a tiny amount of messages in comparison. A selection of the things that made me upset and, yes, p’eed off, included messages complimenting her appearance, asking about her health when I was actually in hospital having an operation and sending her photos of my pets! He also ‘forgot’ to tell her he was married and various other things that I found massively disrespectful and disloyal.

Ilikejamtarts · 01/08/2023 16:06

I was in a similar position a couple years ago. Lots of messages, mostly work related with the odd none work related thrown in. I found it odd and kept shut for a long time til i eventually had enough of questioning it in my head.
When I spoke to my partner about it he eventually admitted that yes the texts were work related but in real life when at work, they discussed none work related things like issues we were having in our relationship at the time And this woman ( 10 years younger than my partner) had admitted to liking my partner as more than a work colleague/friend. So he was basically running to her in person to discuss our problems and she was lapping it up thinking she would be in with a chance and was actively encouraging him to leave our relationship and i think he never fully told her straught because he was enjoying the attention from her that i wasnt giving him at the time....but I never would have known any of that based solely on the messages.
It could be totally innocent but in my experience there was more to it and from your explanation it comes across to me as one, if not both of them, sees the other as more than a colleague/friend.

SilkyMint · 01/08/2023 16:07

None of this would bother me except for the 'I miss you' and 'love you' stuff. I would never send that to a colleague. Maybe a 'we miss working with you!' or 'love from us all' at a push.

MyMiniMetro · 01/08/2023 16:15

This is all sorts of nope. You are allowed to be jealous and suspicious of things like this and every once in a while lay down the law about a situation, even if others think it's OTT. Tell him to start a work WhatsApp group for ALL their colleagues to 'banter' on, the female colleague included, but absolutely no more direct texts back and forth. Ask to check it out every now and again and make sure others are in the group are posting.

This way they can still banter but the group dynamics and public nature of it, will keep things reasonable. If they carry on communicating outside the group behind your back then you know for certain you have a problem. Come on, if it's a choice between packing-in stupid texts with a colleague you don't care about intimately, or upsetting the person you love, you wouldn't carry on upsetting the person you love, would you?

Yes, if the OP was like this with every female her husband ever speaks to, then it would be a problem to make such a request but to deal with a one-off situation causing concern, then it's perfectly reasonable. I call it playing the 'neurotic free-pass card' and every long-term relationship should have one that can be played once in blue moon. It's the understanding that 'I might be being completely neurotic here but you love me so much you will do whatever it takes to help me feel better and reassured.' It really does have to be very, very rarely used (like once every 7 years) and you have to be normal the rest of the time 😄

Winter2020 · 01/08/2023 16:21

I had a similar situation recently. Although I think your husbands situation is not as bad as in your case it's 99% work related and mostly on shift? In my case no one was doing anything "wrong" when I read the messages but far too many of them and not all work related - but "harmless" for example memes or "how was your day".

I was upset and my trust was shaken because I realised that when my husband had his head in his phone while we relaxed in the living room, and I had assumed he was looking at football sites/news sites/ Facebook etc he was sometimes chatting with this person. I also realised that when I tried to talk to him sometimes and he said "it's work!" to justify why he had no time sometimes it wasn't work just banter.

I told my husband how upset I was and to be fair to him his reaction has reassured me and I feel we are in a much better place now. He said there was nothing in it and they are work colleagues/friends but he could see how it would look unreasonable (e.g. number of messages). I explained to him that I was not saying that they had feelings for each other but the level of contact was over the top. As what I have said above I told him that sometimes when we were sitting together he was sat texting another woman or when he tells me he doesn't have time to speak "it's work" sometimes that was not true - it was just banter with a colleague not "work".

He said he was not interested in an affair etc and I said "I don't think anyone with a partner and kids wakes up and thinks - I fancy destroying my family and blowing up my kids world" - it happens bit by bit when people get too close and start to have feelings for each other.

I looked at threads on here about messaging/friendships with colleagues and one line that hit the spot for me was something like "she was getting all the efforts and sparkles while I was getting all the black moods and grumpiness"

So we talked several times as I worked through my feelings. I told him I didn't want him to cut contact and I was glad he had a colleague he gets on well with - but I just want to feel I come first. I don't want to be competing for his time and attention and he needs to consider whether his behaviour e.g. the number of texts is appropriate for married people and always behave like a married person.

The whole episode has actually made us talk more, put phones away more, show each other affection more and made our relationship better. Sitting ignoring the wife while texting colleagues is not an affair but it's no way to live.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:21

Bonfire23 · 01/08/2023 16:06

Oof I don't know
I would be very watchful with what you've said in your posts but I will say when I worked in that environment we would message all night because we were the only people awake often
It would be mundane stuff like
What's for lunch, god it's busy, did you hear about X, such a person is leaving.. there wasn't anything in it

It is those types of messages. But on and on and on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:22

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 16:06

Well, most of the texts were work related and I had no problem with those, even though he only ever sent male colleagues a tiny amount of messages in comparison. A selection of the things that made me upset and, yes, p’eed off, included messages complimenting her appearance, asking about her health when I was actually in hospital having an operation and sending her photos of my pets! He also ‘forgot’ to tell her he was married and various other things that I found massively disrespectful and disloyal.

I would be raging if he'd commented on her appearance. You are totally right to be pissed off about that!!

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:23

Oh, I should have said also - he is 50 and she looks to be about 30.

^

Surprise surprise. It's never the old guy from accounting they get along with is it???

He'll be saying they have the same taste in music next

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:23

Ilikejamtarts · 01/08/2023 16:06

I was in a similar position a couple years ago. Lots of messages, mostly work related with the odd none work related thrown in. I found it odd and kept shut for a long time til i eventually had enough of questioning it in my head.
When I spoke to my partner about it he eventually admitted that yes the texts were work related but in real life when at work, they discussed none work related things like issues we were having in our relationship at the time And this woman ( 10 years younger than my partner) had admitted to liking my partner as more than a work colleague/friend. So he was basically running to her in person to discuss our problems and she was lapping it up thinking she would be in with a chance and was actively encouraging him to leave our relationship and i think he never fully told her straught because he was enjoying the attention from her that i wasnt giving him at the time....but I never would have known any of that based solely on the messages.
It could be totally innocent but in my experience there was more to it and from your explanation it comes across to me as one, if not both of them, sees the other as more than a colleague/friend.

I'm sorry you went through this. Totally out of order.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 01/08/2023 16:24

He doesn’t need to text her so much and only work related. He should archive the conversation and set the new one to work hours only replies and notifications.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:26

Winter2020 · 01/08/2023 16:21

I had a similar situation recently. Although I think your husbands situation is not as bad as in your case it's 99% work related and mostly on shift? In my case no one was doing anything "wrong" when I read the messages but far too many of them and not all work related - but "harmless" for example memes or "how was your day".

I was upset and my trust was shaken because I realised that when my husband had his head in his phone while we relaxed in the living room, and I had assumed he was looking at football sites/news sites/ Facebook etc he was sometimes chatting with this person. I also realised that when I tried to talk to him sometimes and he said "it's work!" to justify why he had no time sometimes it wasn't work just banter.

I told my husband how upset I was and to be fair to him his reaction has reassured me and I feel we are in a much better place now. He said there was nothing in it and they are work colleagues/friends but he could see how it would look unreasonable (e.g. number of messages). I explained to him that I was not saying that they had feelings for each other but the level of contact was over the top. As what I have said above I told him that sometimes when we were sitting together he was sat texting another woman or when he tells me he doesn't have time to speak "it's work" sometimes that was not true - it was just banter with a colleague not "work".

He said he was not interested in an affair etc and I said "I don't think anyone with a partner and kids wakes up and thinks - I fancy destroying my family and blowing up my kids world" - it happens bit by bit when people get too close and start to have feelings for each other.

I looked at threads on here about messaging/friendships with colleagues and one line that hit the spot for me was something like "she was getting all the efforts and sparkles while I was getting all the black moods and grumpiness"

So we talked several times as I worked through my feelings. I told him I didn't want him to cut contact and I was glad he had a colleague he gets on well with - but I just want to feel I come first. I don't want to be competing for his time and attention and he needs to consider whether his behaviour e.g. the number of texts is appropriate for married people and always behave like a married person.

The whole episode has actually made us talk more, put phones away more, show each other affection more and made our relationship better. Sitting ignoring the wife while texting colleagues is not an affair but it's no way to live.

Sorry, that sounds difficult. I'm glad he took on board your concerns and nipped it in the bud.

OP posts:
Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:27

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:23

Oh, I should have said also - he is 50 and she looks to be about 30.

^

Surprise surprise. It's never the old guy from accounting they get along with is it???

He'll be saying they have the same taste in music next

I know! It's never Hairy Mike. Or a woman much older.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 16:28

I'll bet your husband wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:28

Thank you myminimetro

OP posts:
BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 16:28

Text123 · 01/08/2023 14:08

I honestly don't think we need counselling. We are generally in a good place relationship wise. This has just made me feel a bit shit.

DH and I were in a good place when he was doing this though.

But we did need counselling because he hadn't understood about appropriate boundaries

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 16:29

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:23

Oh, I should have said also - he is 50 and she looks to be about 30.

^

Surprise surprise. It's never the old guy from accounting they get along with is it???

He'll be saying they have the same taste in music next

Exactly.

saraclara · 01/08/2023 16:31

If it's 99% work related, what on earth is there to worry about?
I'm not 'cool' at all, but some jobs involve colleagues messaging a lot. You wouldn't think twice if the colleagues were of the same sex.

Are we at the point where any professional relationship between a male and female has to be suspect? If so I'd be doomed.

If they had the same conversation face to face in the office, would you worry about that too?

MaggieBsBoat · 01/08/2023 16:31

I had 84 text messages from a work colleague the other day. All work-related.
if my DH was concerned he’d have a very tedious night reading them all.
and he's welcome to.

i think what matters is your levels of trust and happiness.
I work in an extremely male-dominated field and company. This makes it very hard if there are trust issues. Is your DH reassuring?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/08/2023 16:32

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 13:06

I really don't get all this texting rubbish.

It's much quicker to pick up a phone and actually talk.

51 in a day isn't normal, when does he get any work done ??

51 in a day is totally normal when it’s quick 1 liners and you type fast.
Op - If there are no other red flags then I think it’s fine. But - why no intimacy? Is that usual? In which case it’s fine, if it’s not usual then it’s a second red flag that he’s being intimate elsewhere.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:32

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 16:28

I'll bet your husband wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot.

I actually said this to him. I asked him how he would feel, if I hadn't been intimate with him for 3 months, but that I was texting a male colleague for days on end. He admitted he wouldn't like it.

I think the one I hated, was the pic sent of the meal at 1am. I mean, why? It may be banal, but just why, if not to start a conversation? I asked him why he sent that to her and not me, and he said because I would have been asleep.

Gah. Meant to be having a nice meal and wine tonight. I'm going to have to many and bring this up, I just know it - even though I don't want to.

OP posts:
RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 16:33

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 15:50

There’s a book that I found very helpful when my H was exchanging multiple messages via different media with a young woman over thirty years my junior. It’s called ‘Not Just Friends’ and the main author is Shirley Glass. I used the information I gained from reading it to confront my husband about what was going on, and we almost divorced when he refused to end his ‘friendship’.

I went to a solicitor and got divorce papers drawn up, at which point he suddenly decided he no longer ‘needed’ to follow a young girl on social media, exchange photos, text, call her etc. At the time I felt devastated because, like your H, he’d turned away from me and towards a young, impressionable woman who was complimenting him and making the stupid old goat feel young again, allegedly and acting coldly towards me. A year or so down the line I’ve realised that my love for him has now died and I no longer respect him. He’s got no idea how I feel and I’m currently weighing up my options. House is being valued next time he’s away with work …

That is a very different scenario.

To the OP, you are being unreasonable, this is your issue. This sort of paranoia wrecks marriages. If my wife had an issue with me messaging colleagues about 90% work related things and the odd bit of chat or banter it would irk me no end.

Its perfectly natural to form friendships or good working relationships with colleagues regardless of gender. Trust your husband, if you make an issue out of this you will put him in the position to either lose face at work by creating an uncomfortable position for him, or you will put him in a position to break your trust by lying to you about an innocent friendship because you are having unreasonable feelings/reaction to it

I have female work friends that I communicate with outside of the work environment, my wife has male work friends that she also communicates with outside of work. We both trust each other implicitly.

Original poster
Text123 · 01/08/2023 16:34

too many

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/08/2023 16:35

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 16:28

I'll bet your husband wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot.

Oh that's be great wouldn't it?

"I have a colleague who's a man. And we have to talk about work. But my DH has seen the messages and isn't happy about it and is demanding that..."

Now how would we all be responding to that OP?