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Original poster

Could I have been a better wife?

117 replies

Cheweeze · 30/07/2023 21:31

Reflecting on my marriage after a trial separation from my husband for 6 months. I have blamed him for the majority of our issues as relationship counsellors have all said that he doesn't listen and won't change anything about himself to prioritise our marriage.

We recently started seeing each other again privately with the view to us getting back together eventually. Last week, during an evening together, I made him some toast in the evening after he said he was hungry. I didn't make myself anything and the children were in bed.

He commented that it meant so much to him that I'd made something "just for" him. I replied that I cooked dinner for him most evenings when we were together and he said "that wasn't the same as it was always for all of us."

On reflection, I did very little "just for" him during our marriage, post children. I felt I was always doing everything for the benefit of everyone. I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them. My husband did do the odd thing "just for" me I think although can't remember specifics.

I have not done any of this post kids. I only made him a cup of tea if I was making one for myself, only ever cooked him a meal if I was eating too. I think I probably felt too resentful to give him any special treatment as I always felt emotionally neglected. I would always try to buy him special gifts for christmas and birthdays but he never seemed too interested and I felt my efforts went unappreciated.

I'm a bit surprised that he appreciates things I do when they are "only" for him.

I'd love to hear other people's take on this?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 30/07/2023 21:35

What did he do for you?

Lemonnhoney · 30/07/2023 21:39

Cooking tea for everyone is doing something for him. Looking after the children is doing something for him.

Obviously I don't know the inns and outs but if you were in a typical relationship then you were probably doing more of the mental load regarding the house and children... Picking up the slack for him!

He sounds entitled and selfish tbh. You're not his maid!

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 21:41

Maybe you would have done more if you didn't feel emotionally neglected! Why are you blaming yourself when your relationship counsellors found him to be the issue!

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 21:42

Also the only people who I know who do things like make sandwiches etc are my grandmothers generation who didn't work and were in precarious situations in their relationships. You don't have to be a have a sandwich women to be a good wife. Sounds like you were one until he made you feel rubbish.

LolaSmiles · 30/07/2023 21:45

It's easy to do nice things just for your spouse as a way of showing affection when both people feel emotionally appreciated in a relationship.

It's probably much harder, as you've found, if one person is emotionally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

Cynically I suspect he's trying to blame you to avoid taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

BlastedPimples · 30/07/2023 21:51

So he wants you do extra work "just for him" because all the family meals you cooked weren't enough.

What else "just for him" do you think he wants?

If you don't do stuff "just for him", will you have to split up again?

Does he do stuff just for you?

Sorry. I feel like this is all already loaded against you.

Milyt · 30/07/2023 21:54

He has done a right number on you hasn’t he

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 21:56

Milyt · 30/07/2023 21:54

He has done a right number on you hasn’t he

This

YoBeaches · 30/07/2023 21:57

He's delusional. You are a family unit. The way you care for each other becomes mutual and appreciated in a healthy relationship.

Why couldn't he make his own fucking toast, frankly?

Passwordsffs · 30/07/2023 21:57

Milyt · 30/07/2023 21:54

He has done a right number on you hasn’t he

Absolutely this !

YukoandHiro · 30/07/2023 21:58

Comedycook · 30/07/2023 21:35

What did he do for you?

Glad you asked this first.

FOJN · 30/07/2023 22:00

Sorry that would annoy me, it's like a child needing to be made to feel special. You could do everything for him but unless you do something for him that you don't do for anyone else, including yourself, he doesn't feel cared for or appreciated.

Having emotionally neglected you he's now going to blame you and take no responsibility himself. Relationship counsellors have told you he won't change,is there a reason you're letting hope triumph over experience?

Mischance · 30/07/2023 22:00

Ignore it - it is nonsense. He's really trying to get under your skin. Groan adults and parents do not need something done "just" for them - they appreciate everything that the other does for all the family.

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 22:00

If you really want to be back with him then go back to the counsellor who was helping you both before. They had the measure of him and you will be supported in real life properly and not privately! Why does it have to be private? That's odd! If he was a good person and you two were meant to be then your family, friends and the counsellor would be rooting for you and happy. It wouldn't have to be a secret. No one should he treating you in a way that you have to keep a secret.

Tryingtobepositive123 · 30/07/2023 22:02

Pack their work bags?! Omg I would die if I knew a colleague's wife packed their bag. Do you work? Did he pack your work bag?

Also presumably then other wives made kids' sandwiches too, rather than their husband's alone? Honestly I can't get over those examples. It's like they're not in the real world. Are you sure he didn't make that up?!

It's hard to answer the big question here from the info you've set out.

Being a good partner means doing nice things for them. Buying them tickets for something they'd like to go to. Cooking food they'd like. Picking someone up from the airport. It's reciprocal and done out of love.

SunflowerTed · 30/07/2023 22:03

I get where he’s coming from. Still important to do things to try and make each other feel special - just little things. Hope it works out

GarlicGrace · 30/07/2023 22:05

We could all have been better wives, better children, better parents, better [insert family relationships], better friends, better employees, better students ... etc.

The point is that you are the person you are, the woman he chose as his wife. Then, quickly or slowly over time, he stopped seeing you as the unique individual he chose to share his life with, seeing instead a domestic appliance.

Could you have been a better domestic appliance? Doubtless.
Would you want to?

saffronsoup · 30/07/2023 22:06

Lots of women on here like when their husband does something just for them like flowers or planning a dinner out or a gift or a small gestures that shows thoughtfulness.

not sure why suddenly liking that makes one an entitled selfish person. I guess lots of some on threads here are entitled and selfish and bad wives given they like when their husbands do thoughtful for them. You don’t see posts saying as long as he does stuff for the family, he never ever needs to do anything for his wife.

Bodybop · 30/07/2023 22:06

alarm bells a-ringing

BiscuitsandPuffin · 30/07/2023 22:08

I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them.

LOL yeah right. Your friends are either exaggerating or doormats.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2023 22:08

Is this something you’ve both discussed in counselling? The knee jerk responses assuming he’s a totally selfish bastard aren’t going to help you unpick anything nuanced.

My husband and I both do things specifically for each other, as much now as pre kids. I don’t consider making food for all of us for him and he doesn’t consider looking after our kids for me, I find those responses odd. There are things we both do for the family unit, including all of us, and things we do just for each other, things just for the DC.

Solely focussing on looking after the kids and not your marriage is obviously bad for the marriage and can also be bad for the kids - couples then split up as a result. I chose to have kids with him because I love him and he’s a brilliant person. I didn’t/don’t stop appreciating that because we now have kids to keep clean, fed and cared for. The unit relies on us nurturing the relationship that came before they arrived and will, hopefully, exist when they fly the nest.

I think the way you’ve phrased it, about being a better wife, will prompt defensive responses. He might be a totally selfish bastard and one you shouldn’t be with. Even then it doesn’t mean you were perfect. My ex husband was awful, I’m over the moon I left him. I can still look back and see things I could have done better. A bit of introspection isn’t a bad thing. You’re not taking responsibility for his bad behaviour by doing so, as I’m not with mine, it’s still worth doing.

nobodysdaughternow · 30/07/2023 22:09

I don't do anything special for my dh and vice versa.

This is because we are grown ups who pack our own bags and make our own packed lunch.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 30/07/2023 22:12

saffronsoup · 30/07/2023 22:06

Lots of women on here like when their husband does something just for them like flowers or planning a dinner out or a gift or a small gestures that shows thoughtfulness.

not sure why suddenly liking that makes one an entitled selfish person. I guess lots of some on threads here are entitled and selfish and bad wives given they like when their husbands do thoughtful for them. You don’t see posts saying as long as he does stuff for the family, he never ever needs to do anything for his wife.

Maybe mistakenly but I was labouring under the assumption that OP also buys birthday/Christmas/Father's Day presents. Most of the threads (if not all) you refer to are about birthdays, Christmases or Mother's Days where the OP, after slaving for the family all year around, doesn't even get a card from her "D"H or he buys some tat from a petrol station and she's expected to be grateful.

And there are plenty of people like you on those threads telling the OP she's entitled to expect an actual card or gift she wants/likes/is useful to her and ought to be grateful that he noticed she was still living in his house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2023 22:12

GarlicGrace · 30/07/2023 22:05

We could all have been better wives, better children, better parents, better [insert family relationships], better friends, better employees, better students ... etc.

The point is that you are the person you are, the woman he chose as his wife. Then, quickly or slowly over time, he stopped seeing you as the unique individual he chose to share his life with, seeing instead a domestic appliance.

Could you have been a better domestic appliance? Doubtless.
Would you want to?

Maybe she changed. That’s what she’s thinking about. Making someone you love a drink because they’d like one, even though you wouldn’t, doesn’t make you a domestic appliance. What a weird way of thinking.

Radiatorvalves · 30/07/2023 22:13

ive been married over 22 years and I’m not sure I’ve done anything just for DH. Certainly never packed his bag 🙄. I’ve asked if he’d like a drink…. A tea, a G&T or whatever. We eat as a family. We have just been on holiday and location was mainly DH and DS1 choice, but all enjoyed. Next time it will be more me and DS2 who hold sway.

all sounds a bit odd.