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Relationships

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Original poster

Could I have been a better wife?

117 replies

Cheweeze · 30/07/2023 21:31

Reflecting on my marriage after a trial separation from my husband for 6 months. I have blamed him for the majority of our issues as relationship counsellors have all said that he doesn't listen and won't change anything about himself to prioritise our marriage.

We recently started seeing each other again privately with the view to us getting back together eventually. Last week, during an evening together, I made him some toast in the evening after he said he was hungry. I didn't make myself anything and the children were in bed.

He commented that it meant so much to him that I'd made something "just for" him. I replied that I cooked dinner for him most evenings when we were together and he said "that wasn't the same as it was always for all of us."

On reflection, I did very little "just for" him during our marriage, post children. I felt I was always doing everything for the benefit of everyone. I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them. My husband did do the odd thing "just for" me I think although can't remember specifics.

I have not done any of this post kids. I only made him a cup of tea if I was making one for myself, only ever cooked him a meal if I was eating too. I think I probably felt too resentful to give him any special treatment as I always felt emotionally neglected. I would always try to buy him special gifts for christmas and birthdays but he never seemed too interested and I felt my efforts went unappreciated.

I'm a bit surprised that he appreciates things I do when they are "only" for him.

I'd love to hear other people's take on this?

OP posts:

Catsmere · 01/08/2023 06:51

CapEBarra · 01/08/2023 06:48

Still trying to get over packing a grown man’s work bag, to be honest. Who does that? I haven’t even done that for my kids since they were about 8 years old. I hate the way we infantilise men - they are capable of so much more than we give them credit for.

They are perfectly well aware of that, too. It's weaponised incompetence.

Denimdreams · 01/08/2023 06:51

CapEBarra · 01/08/2023 06:48

Exactly plus not questioning or telling him to do things as men don't like it !

Do people actually live like this?
I'd rather live on my own than with a manchild.

IamfeelingConfused · 01/08/2023 06:55

My hubby regularly does little things just for me - and I try and do the same for him. It’s not so much ‘just for me’ it’s about being thoughtful as to what little acts of his or mine would improve the quality of life. My hubby often gets a speciality coffee on the way to work…and picks me up one too and comes back home to give it to me with a kiss. Been together 23 years.

IamfeelingConfused · 01/08/2023 07:05

Also I think the premise of your title is wrong ‘better wife’ implies society expected behaviour. I think it’s more about knowing someone so well and thinking about what little acts you do which just makes them smile that you know what makes them happy and want them to be happy.

WellPlaced · 01/08/2023 07:07

Ok.
I have to admit that DH makes me a coffee in bed every morning (he doesn’t have one) and takes so much trouble - it’s a flat white. It means a lot to me actually.

He also makes a tea just for me and often lunch.

I didn’t realise how much I appreciated this until you made me think about it @Cheweeze

Thoughtful2355 · 01/08/2023 07:07

i think its actually really important to do this JUST for your partner, just as much as its important to recieve something that was done just for you. Not sure why the replies are acting like its bad to want something was want Just done because your partner is already doing it you know.

For example, my partner will Give me a back rub sometimes because he knows i like them, thats doing something just for me... it doesnt lead to him getting absolutely anything for himself its purely to make me happy.

He will also walk to the shop Just to get me something i want, not because hes going anyway and wants something but because I want something.

Theres tons more, these little things make me feel special, I also do things JUST for him to make him feel loved and special.

AND NO looking after my children ISNT for my partner as a Previous poster has said -_- .. I take care of my children and feed them because they are my children and i love them, Just like NO my partner is not earning a wage for ME he is earning a wage for US to be able to enjoy family life etc, again those things are not a " just for you or me" type of thing, a Just for me thing means something that is done purely for 1 person because that 1 person will benefit from it, Not a oh heres a tea because i made one for myself or a heres dinner because i was cooking anyway, Its a Would you like me to run you a bath ( not because sex is wanted) Or would you like to watch your favorite film and cuddle with me, it may not be my type of movie but its something my partner would Love to do.

As long as its all 50/50 and not you putting in all the for yous

WellPlaced · 01/08/2023 07:08

I don’t think these things should be seen as being a ‘better wife’ though.

Dukeydo · 01/08/2023 07:11

Tryingtobepositive123 · 30/07/2023 22:02

Pack their work bags?! Omg I would die if I knew a colleague's wife packed their bag. Do you work? Did he pack your work bag?

Also presumably then other wives made kids' sandwiches too, rather than their husband's alone? Honestly I can't get over those examples. It's like they're not in the real world. Are you sure he didn't make that up?!

It's hard to answer the big question here from the info you've set out.

Being a good partner means doing nice things for them. Buying them tickets for something they'd like to go to. Cooking food they'd like. Picking someone up from the airport. It's reciprocal and done out of love.

This. I do little things for my children to show them I love them.

but he has done a right number on you-

so you go back and you do all the housework and everything and then all of his little things too!!

if he was doing 50% of all the housework, present buying, organising etc and doing little stuff for you - he might get the same on return

YRGAM · 01/08/2023 08:14

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2023 22:08

Is this something you’ve both discussed in counselling? The knee jerk responses assuming he’s a totally selfish bastard aren’t going to help you unpick anything nuanced.

My husband and I both do things specifically for each other, as much now as pre kids. I don’t consider making food for all of us for him and he doesn’t consider looking after our kids for me, I find those responses odd. There are things we both do for the family unit, including all of us, and things we do just for each other, things just for the DC.

Solely focussing on looking after the kids and not your marriage is obviously bad for the marriage and can also be bad for the kids - couples then split up as a result. I chose to have kids with him because I love him and he’s a brilliant person. I didn’t/don’t stop appreciating that because we now have kids to keep clean, fed and cared for. The unit relies on us nurturing the relationship that came before they arrived and will, hopefully, exist when they fly the nest.

I think the way you’ve phrased it, about being a better wife, will prompt defensive responses. He might be a totally selfish bastard and one you shouldn’t be with. Even then it doesn’t mean you were perfect. My ex husband was awful, I’m over the moon I left him. I can still look back and see things I could have done better. A bit of introspection isn’t a bad thing. You’re not taking responsibility for his bad behaviour by doing so, as I’m not with mine, it’s still worth doing.

I agree with this post. Non-reciprocal acts of kindness are part of what makes a relationship a relationship, and it's a shame to see so many posters jumping on the OP for this. Presumably they all exist in 100% transactional relationships where everything is accounted for and paid back in kind? That sounds nice, but that's not a relationship, it's a business partnership

80s · 01/08/2023 09:09

My ex husband was awful, I’m over the moon I left him. I can still look back and see things I could have done better.
Me, too; I think we all learn from looking back from a distance. What bothers me slightly in this case, though, is that it's the husband pointing out the wife's "failures" (and the wife focusing on the husband's misdeeds during counselling), rather than each/both of them reflecting on their own/joint behaviour. In this thread, OP is thinking about her behaviour, but only in the context of what he did wrong.
Maybe it's because things have become so polarised that every issue is a potential LTB rather than just an "oh yes, perhaps we would have a nicer life if we did this instead".

PaintedEgg · 01/08/2023 09:45

regarding packing husband's lunch - my mum does that as a nice gesture. He, as a nice gestures, cleans the kitchen most of the days

when these nice gestures come from both sides it's just that - spouses being nice to each other

it doesn't sound like OPs husband is nice but he likes it when others are nice to him

southlondoner02 · 01/08/2023 14:58

Not sure why people are suggesting little things the OP could do for her husband when relationship counsellors have established that he doesn't listen and won't compromise. OP it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse - you could start making him toast when he's hungry but do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your relationship enough to listen or compromise?

WinchSparkle80 · 01/08/2023 15:25

If I packed my DH workbag or made him breakfast he would think I was on drugs! He makes me breakfast because he is a better cook! He also makes me coffee every morning as his is just better… I give back rubs and most the child care so that’s the most “just for him” might bring him a cuppa on occasions or water for bed!

RosannaClaudine · 01/08/2023 16:13

Denimdreams · 01/08/2023 06:26

Omg what!?
She must also warm his slippers and ensure she looks fresh and pleasing when he returns from work?
It's not 1950!
WTAF have I just read 😂

Show quote history

Hey! Not everything about the 1950s was bad. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater! 😂

RosannaClaudine · 01/08/2023 16:15

YRGAM · 01/08/2023 08:14

Show quote history

Very underrated comment.

JustFrustrated · 01/08/2023 16:21

I've been your DH, and you.

My DH learnt quickly that doing things that were for everyone, wasnt the same as doing things for me.
And vice versa.

We are much happier now we both look for ways to do things for the individual. So I've just bought him an aftershave he wouldn't buy himself. He will stop at the shops to get me chocolate.

Two small examples. but we actually do loads. He'll bring me coffee in bed and vice versa for example, if one of us is having a lazy start.

You were in a cycle.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/08/2023 19:54

What's wrong with having, and doing for your partner, lunches etc made?! My DP will do mine for me and make me a cuppa even if he isn't doing his, and I do the same! If he is exhausted or needs a break I'll go and make him a drink and get him a snack, and him me. We take care of each other, I feel it is important to maintain this distinction even outside of the children.

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