Could I have been a better wife?

[Cheweeze]

Reflecting on my marriage after a trial separation from my husband for 6 months. I have blamed him for the majority of our issues as relationship counsellors have all said that he doesn't listen and won't change anything about himself to prioritise our marriage.

We recently started seeing each other again privately with the view to us getting back together eventually. Last week, during an evening together, I made him some toast in the evening after he said he was hungry. I didn't make myself anything and the children were in bed.

He commented that it meant so much to him that I'd made something "just for" him. I replied that I cooked dinner for him most evenings when we were together and he said "that wasn't the same as it was always for all of us."

On reflection, I did very little "just for" him during our marriage, post children. I felt I was always doing everything for the benefit of everyone. I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them. My husband did do the odd thing "just for" me I think although can't remember specifics.

I have not done any of this post kids. I only made him a cup of tea if I was making one for myself, only ever cooked him a meal if I was eating too. I think I probably felt too resentful to give him any special treatment as I always felt emotionally neglected. I would always try to buy him special gifts for christmas and birthdays but he never seemed too interested and I felt my efforts went unappreciated.

I'm a bit surprised that he appreciates things I do when they are "only" for him.

I'd love to hear other people's take on this?

I agree with this.

He's expressed to you that his love language is acts of service. Rather than focus on what you haven't done in the past though I think you should both focus on what you appreciate about the other now and what you'd like/need from each other going forward so your focus is more positive than blaming

But, if his love language is acts of service, why has he not shown proper appreciation to the OP before? She's pointed out that she cooked most of the meals, bought him special gifts, and made him cups of tea.

Is he the kind of man child who resents the children because they're getting all of your attention?

It's nice to be nice and do things for each other but your post made it sounds like he wants to be "catered to" which is hugely unappealing.

Love Language is how someone shows, and likes to receive, love. But ths isnt that. He wants her to do nice things just for him, but seem incapable of doing the same thing back.

He just sounds demanding and selfish. He wants her to pander to him but not for him to change in anyway. My ex husband once said to me (in all seriousness) "Our marriage would be perfect if you would just do what I want". He sounds like that.

@SarahAndQuack agreeing with you btw!

We could have all been better partners in one way or another.
The fact you are considering reconciling requests that he also asks himself this.

My parents were married (happily) for over 50 years and died less than a year apart. I don't remember lots of physical affection (just a peck on the cheek) and he never brought home flowers, but -
When my mother went shopping, she would buy a large container of ice cream for the family and a small container of mint choc chip for my father, because that was his favorite. She did all the cooking (there were no take-aways then) and after every meal he would thank her for the meal and we children were expected to thank her too. I once sassily said we already thanked God before we ate and he said "We thank God for providing it and your Mother for making it."
I don't think it is being a "manchild" to want a little individual recognition, especially once children come along. Also, things you do for the family are different than things you do for an individual.

Absolutely this! I thinks it’s really easy in LTR with small children for both parties to start feeling uncared for and start feeling resentful or checking out. Small, every day acts of love - however that looks in your relationship - are so important.

my husband knows that although I’m tidy in the house I’m an absolute scum bag about my car. So he cleans it for me on Sunday evenings. I‘ll grab his dry cleaning and drop it off for him. I‘ll often offer him a cup of tea or a snack if he’s looking busy or tired - and vice versa - even if I’m not having one myself. It seems a lot to be jumping to someone being regressive / abusive for enjoying feeling appreciated / looked after / prioritised. Maybe it’s a way of him trying to reach out and positively affirm something he values in your relationship?

Many of us have, post-divorce, had a sudden epiphany while food shopping: that we had trained ourselves to choose groceries around our husbands' likes & dislikes, to the point where we'd forgotten we had our own (different) preferences.

Exactly. So many of the things I did for my ex (avoiding the foods he disliked, folding his clothes a certain way, organising the laundry according to the system he preferred, always anticipating his preferences and accommodating them without even being asked) were so ingrained in my way of being around him that they didn't even seem like favours any more.

But I'd be absolutely stumped as to what accommodations he would make for me on a regular basis. I don't think there were any. I can however remember the ways that he would make it harder for me to have even small things my way. I liked to meal plan on the weekend so I could do a big shop and be sorted for the week. No matter how many times I asked him to contribute to the planning or just think of a couple of dishes he'd like to make on his 'cooking nights' during the week, it was always like pulling teeth. In the end I gave up and just did it myself. He could have made my life just a little bit easier by making note of the things he used up and threw out during the week, or being ready to say 'I'll do a tuna bake on Wednesday and corn fritters on Thursday' but no.

It’s nice to be thought of or feel appreciated instead of always having to ask though, isn’t it? I make my husband his favorite food (which the rest of us don’t love) to pack in his work bag, he makes me a latte and brings it to me in bed after a long day, etc, etc.

It’s easy to lose sight of that when you have children and everything is focused on them so often but to me it is an important part of a healthy relationship, yes.

There are women who pack their husbands’ work bags?

I'd feel resentful that doing so many tasks for the whole family including him wasn't seen as work for him. And therefore that I had to do even more to treat him like a very special prince on top for him to value my effort.

I think it boils down to what it takes for people to "feel loved"

If you think your husband did things "just for you" then try and consider why he did them, it may have been his way of showing love that you didn't find particularly fulfilling, but doing the same things for him would have made him loved.

And I personally agree that doing things for the whole family is not the same as doing things for individual people. it counts towards partners and children. it does make you feel cared for when you're a kid and your parent drives the long way home to grab you your favourite snack. it makes you feel extra special when your spouse makes a cup of tea even if they're not getting one themselves.

it has to go both ways, but someone saying they like it doesn't make them an asshole

the never listening and never changing bit does though

That's exactly how I feel about it @TheWayoftheLeaf . Perhaps if there wasn't so much pressure on me to carry so much of the mental load, I'd have had the head space to do special things for him.

In response to questions about things he did for me:
-He would de-ice my car in the mornings (when he was doing his own).
-Bring me a cup of tea when he'd already had one earlier so wasn't making one for himself.
-Fill my water bottle in the mornings as I had a tendency to forget.

This!

Please don't go back to him. He wants a nanny/maid he can have sex with.

God I relate to this so much. My STBXH is like a child, he is so picky. I remember once explaining to him about how much I compromised with something as basic as food. He just didn't get it. He was like 'You like my stuff too!'. But I don't want to eat it all the damn time! He didn't recognise all of the ways that I accommodated him and compromised I day to day life. And had the cheek to complain when my stuff took up space in the house 🙄

I have similar thoughts as you OP @Cheweeze. But I always come to the conclusion that he was a selfish arse and I did the right thing to leave. He may well have done all of this 'stuff' for me, but it wasn't any use to me really. He wasn't there in the ways I needed him.

There is lots I could've done differently. But I also don't have any faith or confidence that he would change if I did.

It’s easy to lose sight of that when you have children and everything is focused on them so often but to me it is an important part of a healthy relationship, yes.
I agree with this.
Depending on who goes out first DH and I will de-ice the other's car, he makes me a cup of tea even though he doesn't drink tea, I'll bring something home he likes that I don't when I'm at the supermarket. We do small gestures for each other because it's important for us to have a marital relationship that is separate from our parenting relationship.

The issue in the OP's situation is this doesn't seem like an issue of mutually finding each other's love languages. She's done things for him in the past and he's been ungrateful, and now he's whining about wanting more things just for him. It seems like he's expecting her to grovel and beg him to stay by jumping to his every selfish whim.

It has a whiff of "look what you made me do" about it. Eg i might be an unappreciative husband who has worn you into the ground, but I'm only this way because you failed to be a good enough wife.

As a poster said upthread, I think there’s scope in a relationship for doing things for your partner (and them for you), rather than just wrapping it all up in family life.

I accompany my DH to a certain football team’s home games because he likes me going with him. I’m a bit of a fan but would go less often if it were purely about my own inclination. He accommodates fairly regular family visits from my relatives including sometimes doing the entertaining single-handed if I’m caught working late etc. He likes them well enough but again, if it were solely down to him, it would happen less often. We have each supported the other at different stages in our careers. I would think it quite sad if this never happened in a relationship.

There are no doubt other ways in which we could be better spouses and much of our activity still centres round our children, but it is important to take some time to nurture the couple relationship because all being well children will fly the nest at some point and you’ll be left with just each other.

@LolaSmiles has put it better than me!

Love this story. Sounds like your husband wants to feel appreciated and respected with those little daily gestures, and that there is still a lot of love between you. You can do it!

I wish you every grace and blessing in trying to save your marriage.

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Ask him what things he'd appreciate you doing just for him.

Then suggest some things you'd appreciate him doing just for you and see how it goes.

I don't think it's unreasonable for anyone in a relationship to want to feel seen and appreciated and to want their partner to sometimes do something that is "just for them".

But there's something about the way you tell this story that jars for me. The comment feels manipulative - like he's saying, "you see, our relationship was a failure because YOU were selfish" when, by your account, that may well be true but that "selfishness" came from a place in which you were constantly putting yourself out for everyone else and not being appreciated.

So if this is real, and it's something to reflect on and discuss together and with your therapist/s, great. But it needs to be two way. You need to explore also why you didn't want to do things for him and why you felt under appreciated.

OP, considering that you say you carried the greater load yet he still feels the need to be critical, in your place I would be very very slow to change living arrangements again.

Take your time.

Many is the wan who regrets returning.

You left for good reason.

Take your time before making any decision.

We do many little things for each other and I like to do them, because he does kind things for me.

I believe in reciprocity in relationships, not a one way street.