Could I have been a better wife?

[Cheweeze]

Reflecting on my marriage after a trial separation from my husband for 6 months. I have blamed him for the majority of our issues as relationship counsellors have all said that he doesn't listen and won't change anything about himself to prioritise our marriage.

We recently started seeing each other again privately with the view to us getting back together eventually. Last week, during an evening together, I made him some toast in the evening after he said he was hungry. I didn't make myself anything and the children were in bed.

He commented that it meant so much to him that I'd made something "just for" him. I replied that I cooked dinner for him most evenings when we were together and he said "that wasn't the same as it was always for all of us."

On reflection, I did very little "just for" him during our marriage, post children. I felt I was always doing everything for the benefit of everyone. I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them. My husband did do the odd thing "just for" me I think although can't remember specifics.

I have not done any of this post kids. I only made him a cup of tea if I was making one for myself, only ever cooked him a meal if I was eating too. I think I probably felt too resentful to give him any special treatment as I always felt emotionally neglected. I would always try to buy him special gifts for christmas and birthdays but he never seemed too interested and I felt my efforts went unappreciated.

I'm a bit surprised that he appreciates things I do when they are "only" for him.

I'd love to hear other people's take on this?

I wouldn't even call packing a work bag as something special anyway. It's another task passed on to someone who thinks their wife is their skivvy.

Otherwise, it is nice to do something just for your partner, just as it's nice for them to do something just for you.
I'd make dh a breakfast that I wouldn't eat and he makes me proper stove top coffee on weekend mornings even if he's going out because he knows I like it and can't be bothered to make it.

I don't believe they don't do things for their husbands, though.

Many of us have, post-divorce, had a sudden epiphany while food shopping: that we had trained ourselves to choose groceries around our husbands' likes & dislikes, to the point where we'd forgotten we had our own (different) preferences.

There aren't many households where the laundry-doing partner ignores the other's washing, doesn't iron it (if they iron) and put it away for the other's use. Extend that thought to the whole gamut of 'servant' functions wives perform for their husbands, and you've got a continuous stream of acts of service, consideration and thoughtfulness.

This should work both ways in equal measure. As we know, it doesn't in most households. So the wives deserve the odd bunch of flowers or other little things, to help keep the flow going.

On the threads about things your partner does to make you happy/feeling appreciated/feel loved there’s a strong theme.

It’s making you a cup of tea first thing. Buying you a favourite snack. De-icing your car.

They're not usually ostentatious or expensive things. They’re the small things people who love each other do for each other. They matter.

"My husband did do the odd thing "just for" me I think although can't remember specifics."
Did he?
Did he cook just for you? Or did he make cups of tea just for you?
There is a reason you cannot quite remember specifics...

What kind of responses were you expecting on this site?

In marriage both spouses should make a point of doing things for their other halves. A point of doing those small but meaningful things that mean so much to the other.

Whether you get back together with him, or the question is really only relevant for a future partner, it's always good to take lessons from the past and improve in the future.

Can you imagine if a woman expected their husband to do all this?

It was lovely after my divorce to make food me and dc liked and exh didn't. You're completely right in saying that we curtail our wants and needs automatically and it's just another service expected as the live in domestic appliance.

Going to go against the grain (based on the responses I’ve read, at any rate — I’ve not read them all) here, OP, and say we all like to feel appreciated, and I don’t think your husband is the arse others clearly do for articulating one of the things that makes him feel loved. Whether or not it was realistic when your children were younger is a different question, and the fact you said in your post that you felt unappreciated suggests he wasn’t great at making you feel appreciated either, so I don’t think you should fall into the trap of thinking this is all on you. But if you both want to try again with your marriage, then you both need to listen to the other and I think it’s really positive that you’re reflecting on what you could have done differently (as long as he’s willing to do the same!). Good luck…

In isolation, I don't necessarily think he's in the wrong for saying this either, he's communicating something that makes him feel loved and connected. I'd want to discuss it further, and worth thinking about your own "love language" too and really being honest about what you both want and need to avoid slipping into old habits. None of us are perfect, and if he doesn't have any idea where he could have been a better partner I'd be running for the hills.
In the context of what your counsellor said, I'd just be aware if he's not making the same effort you are that you might be flogging a dead horse. If I really wanted to make it work I'd be continuing the counselling too.

The 'just for him' crap is a red flag for the self-absorption that your counsellors also noticed:

relationship counsellors have all said that he doesn't listen and won't change anything about himself to prioritise our marriage.

Each other. They do things for each other. The trouble is that women very often find themselves doing all the childcare, household stuff, cooking and everything else by which time they are completely drained, and are then expected to do things 'just for him' as well. If men pulled their weight in the home, there wouldn't be a problem.

I'm struggling to find anything in the OP's comments which says all the things he does for her.

And you can't count things like birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, because that goes without saying. You'd have to be a real arse to not bother with them.

Yep. OP he sounds like such a baby honestly.

i think my dh would be extremely worried about my sanity if I packed his work bag - how the fuck do these Stepford wives no what their husbands want in their bags??

OP, your dh sounds very needy and manipulative - I’d sack off the reconciliation and run for the hills.

Know not no 🤦‍♀️

You're making a HUGS mistake reconciling this marriage. He sounds manipulative, needy and very self centred and also unappreciative.

Have a conversation together about what actions both of you do which make you feel loved. We had to do this in counselling and it was illuminating as we both said completely different things.His were small things that I would never have seen as important to him.Mine was him showing small signs of affection daily..a touch on the back or a compliment.His was small efforts such as an unasked for cup of tea once in a while.

I would make him tea without me having one and visa versa. But I'd also make him his favourite dinners when I know he's got a stressful day, or he's taking dc to training in winter, or I'll change the sheets specifically because he's sick and I'd like him to feel better, not because they need it. But I'd need to tell him. He wouldn't always notice. Or he'd think he got so so lucky that here he is freezing and he comes home to a shepards pie. What are the odds. Eejit.

He makes me coffee every weekend morning when I get out of bed (which is when I want it) he'll do dinner without asking if he's seen I've had a horrific day. If he sees sweets I like that are tough to get he buys them. He buys sweets for himself and hides them if he knows I'm cutting down. And I'm sure a million other things.

There was war a few years ago because he felt my presents weren't considerate enough and I exploded and listed all the kind considerate things I had done for him that day that he hadn't noticed. (He wasn't wrong about the presents but that wasn't the point)

I'm not sure you need to make him a packed lunch every day but I do think it's important to have time together away from the kids, even if occasionally.

I think IF you feel loved and cherished, you do on occasion naturally want to do special things for your other half.

If you don’t, then why would you feel the inclination to do it?

Did he ever do it for you? It shouldn’t be a one-sided thing.

Men really need women
ive realised this
more than we need them

fuck knows it’s a mummy thing maybe

but you can’t ever say it’s 100% him and 0% you , and not can most couples

I hope you can work this out

A previous partner used to be like this. It came from feeling emotionally neglected a bit in childhood with so many siblings getting his parents' attention. He needed me to make him feel special and got very resentful of anything or anyone else taking my attention away.

I've since asked a couple of my friends what they do "just for" their husbands and have been surprised to learn that they often pack their work bags, make their sandwiches for work, cook them special breakfasts "just for" them.

I can’t get past your initial post. I’m too worried about your friends who make work sandwiches and pack work bags for their manchild husband. These are the women from the Daily Fail features, they’re usually wearing a primary-coloured wrap dress and a glossy lips makeover. You need to worry when you become like them, not the other way round.

I think it’s nice to do little thoughtful things for each other. It’s shit when it’s not reciprocated. Is it reciprocated? Ime it becomes resentful when all the thoughtful acts of service are happening in one direction. You should not feel that you could have been a better wife, but instead ask yourself am I being a doormat.

I think a lot of responses here are not wrong, but also not quite hitting the nail on the head.

If you happened to be in a relationship where (for example), your DH woke you up in the morning with a freshly-brewed cup of tea and ran you a bath when you came in from work, he might be onto something with wanting something 'just for him'. That would be even closer to true if we discovered he'd always pulled his weight with the household chores, such as cooking dinner for everyone or making sure each child has clean uniform, or remembering parties and sourcing presents when your child is invited.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong or childish about an adult liking to see signs of personal care and affection that are 'just for them'.

However, there's an awful lot wrong about this if he 1) wasn't pulling his weight, because he was fine with you cooking most of the meals and 2) was fucking rude about efforts you did make, by not acknowledging gifts you'd bought.

I don't think you need to concentrate on being a 'better wife' and I think the question of whether other people do things 'just for' their partners is a bit of a red herring. The point is that he has done very little to make you feel appreciated, and you have done things for him. The ball is in his court. If he wants this to work, why isn't he making you feel special?

He seems to miss the fact that you would have been a "better" wife (I have issues with that given you were doing everything for the family) if he had been a better husband.

He wants a lot from you but doesnt seem to be bothered about giving a lot back. Have you spelled out to him that you would be more inclined to perfom random acts of kindness for him if he did the same for you?