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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave my angry husband after only 3 months?

117 replies

WinmillHillmama · 29/07/2023 14:53

I desperately need some guidance. My DH and I have been together 6 years, we have a 2.5 year old and have been married only 3 months. I’m already regretting the marriage although if I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake and went ahead with it anyway (yes I am an idiot).

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family and hardworking. From the outside looking in we must seem like we have it all. He can be very loving, but there is a dark side to him which is controlling and rage-filled. He loses his temper over almost nothing, daily and many times a day at the weekend. He will literally scream at me in front of my son, telling me to ‘shut the f*ck’ up and more recently at our DS too. I have begged him not to do this but he can’t/ won’t stop. Afterward he attempts to gaslight me, trying to make me misremember how a conversation played out, and always blames me for ‘making him angry’ rather than take responsibility for his outbursts.

I find myself silently sobbing afterwards in disbelief at the way he treats me and the things he calls me, how has it gotten to this. And our poor son, he’s too innocent to be exposed to this much rage. He’s started saying ‘papa stop’ when he’s laying into me and it breaks my heart. I need to protect him from this. He’s just a typical toddler has tantrums etc and when he does DH loses his mind, shouting at him to stop crying, basically having a tantrum himself. I’ve tried suggesting reading up on how to cope with tantrums (and being triggered by them) but apparently that makes me ‘a patronising mumsnet reading idiot’

So unless I really am crazy this isn’t a situation I can stay in, right? How can I even begin to sort out this mess? I’ve started keeping a diary of what’s been going on and some audio recordings of the shouting (the abuse if that’s what it is) in case he tries to turn this all around on me some how.

I have a good income and a few grand saved, so I do have the means to leave if that’s the next step. The house is in both our names though so maybe I shouldn’t leave? I don’t even know where to begin…

Any advice would be such a help because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in ‘real life’ x

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 29/07/2023 15:02

Are you and your child walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion?

I grew up like this (with added violence) but the walking on eggshells was psychologically so much worse than the scars.

I choose to be single and have stayed single all my life because of the legacy it left.

Pashazade · 29/07/2023 15:03

Find a rental, leave, file for divorce, force the sale of the house. There is nothing else to be done.

Original poster
WinmillHillmama · 29/07/2023 15:06

Hi @RoseBucket thanks for your reply and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry you went through that and continue to feel the effects.

To answer your question yes I live on eggshells, always waiting and flinching at sounds from around the house… I know from his movements if he’s angry.

I think our DS is too young to really understand yet but he has started clinging to me a lot more and saying ‘go away papa’ which is probably a sign it’s affecting him too

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 29/07/2023 15:06

I think you know the answer OP.
Unfortunately you can't divorce him for a year. https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Do you have anywhere you can go to?
I'd also call the domestic abuse helpline for advice as although this isn't physical, if you haven't got somewhere safe to go they will be able to help you with keeping you and your DS safe. https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Get a divorce

Check you can get a divorce, agree or disagree with a divorce application, what to do if your husband or wife lacks mental capacity.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Prelapsarianhag · 29/07/2023 15:08

This needs to end OP, he can't be screaming at a toddler or you. You really can't live like this for the rest of your life and he is very unlikely to change. He enjoys the power he has over you so he is not going to give it up and he is likely to get much worse as he continues to get away with it. Chalk this one up to experience and move on - you and DS can have a great life without this monster.

oviraptor21 · 29/07/2023 15:08
  • should have said "physical yet"

Also, unlikely probably, but if you haven't had sex since getting married an annulment would be possible. I don't know the pros and cons so you would need to get further advice on that if relevant.

TwilightSkies · 29/07/2023 15:09

100% yes you need to leave

RoseBucket · 29/07/2023 15:10

WinmillHillmama · 29/07/2023 15:06

Hi @RoseBucket thanks for your reply and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry you went through that and continue to feel the effects.

To answer your question yes I live on eggshells, always waiting and flinching at sounds from around the house… I know from his movements if he’s angry.

I think our DS is too young to really understand yet but he has started clinging to me a lot more and saying ‘go away papa’ which is probably a sign it’s affecting him too

Please leave, it’s so unfair on you both. I also know what you mean about movements and I’d jump to attention by the sounds of the house or how something was put down or a cupboard closing, I knew by the acute differences my mothers mood.

You both deserve better and if you look at the effect on children of this age it also can impact development in terms of long term behaviour and emotions.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2023 15:27

Got to paragraph 1.

Ltb.

Please.

If not for you then for your boy.

AquamarineGlass · 29/07/2023 15:31

I think you know what decision your son would like you to make.

Your husband can't expect you to put up with this and I'm sure he kept this side of him hidden at first...proof that he can control his behaviour actually but chooses not to.

You'll have so much more energy confidence and peace without him.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/07/2023 15:32

Please get your son away from this and take care of yourself, your son needs you x

ilyana · 29/07/2023 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

M103 · 29/07/2023 15:36

You most definitely need to leave him. 100%. I can't offer any advice on the practicalities to help you do so, but I've seen that some posters have shared some helpful links and hopefully more will come along with further advice. But there is no question that you need to leave him as soon as possible.

unsync · 29/07/2023 15:38

He's not a good father or partner though. A good partner wouldn't behave like that or treat you in that way. A good father wouldn't have their 2.5 year old telling them to stop mistreating his mother.

He has to go. See a good family lawyer, serve papers and ask him to leave. ASAP. I'm sorry, but this will only get worse. You and your child deserve better.

Yetanothernewname101 · 29/07/2023 15:46

He's changed since you got married. Because he now thinks he 'owns' you and can show who he fully is.
While you can't divorce for a year, you can leave him and take steps to protect you and your child. Please do it sooner rather than later.

trevthecat · 29/07/2023 15:47

This was me 10 years ago. With a 2.5 Yr old and heavily pregnant. Although we were renting, just in my name. He turned violent, very violent. I managed to get him out of the house. He nearly killed me and our unborn.

You have to leave. ASAP. For you and your ds. You must get out.

Call women's aid and tell someone in real life about what is happening.

JFDIYOLO · 29/07/2023 15:48

Fast forward into the future.

Read some of the posts here from women who went no contact with their mothers for allowing their fathers to continue to make family lives hell, for not doing the right thing and taking them out of a toxic, terrifying way of life.

The women whose earliest memories were of walking on eggshells, listening for the sound of footfalls, breathing, tone of voice changing, watching expressions and body language and knowing these signs were all going to escalate into shouting, swearing, insults, violence.

Then there are the women who don't get to see their grandchildren because of the resentment and anger their children feel about the way they had to live when they were little.

Your poor child is soaking up every single moment of this and every incident is burning itself on his memory and forging his personality. Already, too young, he knows about things he shouldn't, knows this is wrong and is begging him to stop. He will grow up damaged. And with a faulty sense of how to deal with his own anger because he was never shown how.

You have a duty here. And it isn't pandering to an agressive uncontrolled husband.

porridgeisbae · 29/07/2023 15:52

Like PP's, I grew up like this. I've been left unable to work for life and tend to choose partners similar to my dad in some ways, unfortunately.

I do resent my mum for not doing anything about it.

And no, it's not something you should put up with for yourself either OP.

Aguinnessplease · 29/07/2023 15:55

Dont be too hard on yourself - a mistake has been made, it’s too late to turn back the clock. But you can and must deal with the reality facing you. You no doubt know what needs to happen. I promise you - in one years time, let alone three or five, you’ll not only be unrecognisably happier, but you’ll also wonder why you ever doubted yourself to make the decision. His behaviour is far from normal or acceptable. LTB for your precious son’s safety as well as your own.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/07/2023 15:57

Go to the police and report him, this is domestic abuse and he needs to leave.

You have evidence of his out bursts so they can remove him from the home.

Don't put up with this

Walesagogo · 29/07/2023 16:08

Just leave.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/07/2023 16:10

Yes, leave him as soon as you can Your poor DS will be affected the longer you stay, not to mention he is crushing your confidence and self esteem
Has he got worse since marriage if you've been together for 10 years?
Sort out a new place with your DS then you're ready to divorce in a years time.
Don't be embarrassed, be glad

MumGMT · 29/07/2023 16:11

I think our DS is too young to really understand yet but he has started clinging to me a lot more and saying ‘go away papa’ which is probably a sign it’s affecting him too

The nervous system understands fear and scary situations. This would have started affecting him before he started to cling to you and saying go away papa.

It can take a while to really see and feel the effects of trauma on people
so the clinging is how the past trauma affected him, but you might not see how the current situation is affecting him until later.

wizzywig · 29/07/2023 16:15

Can you put cameras in the house to film him so he can't dispute what he is like.? But please leave.

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