Should I leave my angry husband after only 3 months?

[WinmillHillmama]

I desperately need some guidance. My DH and I have been together 6 years, we have a 2.5 year old and have been married only 3 months. I’m already regretting the marriage although if I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake and went ahead with it anyway (yes I am an idiot).

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family and hardworking. From the outside looking in we must seem like we have it all. He can be very loving, but there is a dark side to him which is controlling and rage-filled. He loses his temper over almost nothing, daily and many times a day at the weekend. He will literally scream at me in front of my son, telling me to ‘shut the f*ck’ up and more recently at our DS too. I have begged him not to do this but he can’t/ won’t stop. Afterward he attempts to gaslight me, trying to make me misremember how a conversation played out, and always blames me for ‘making him angry’ rather than take responsibility for his outbursts.

I find myself silently sobbing afterwards in disbelief at the way he treats me and the things he calls me, how has it gotten to this. And our poor son, he’s too innocent to be exposed to this much rage. He’s started saying ‘papa stop’ when he’s laying into me and it breaks my heart. I need to protect him from this. He’s just a typical toddler has tantrums etc and when he does DH loses his mind, shouting at him to stop crying, basically having a tantrum himself. I’ve tried suggesting reading up on how to cope with tantrums (and being triggered by them) but apparently that makes me ‘a patronising mumsnet reading idiot’

So unless I really am crazy this isn’t a situation I can stay in, right? How can I even begin to sort out this mess? I’ve started keeping a diary of what’s been going on and some audio recordings of the shouting (the abuse if that’s what it is) in case he tries to turn this all around on me some how.

I have a good income and a few grand saved, so I do have the means to leave if that’s the next step. The house is in both our names though so maybe I shouldn’t leave? I don’t even know where to begin…

Any advice would be such a help because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in ‘real life’ x

Why did you write that in many ways he is a good partner and husband?. You know the truth here re him and he is neither is he. Denial of the truth here re him helps no one, least of all you. Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your husband.

What the other respondents have written re him and you leaving him . The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship with your husband should now be at an end. It is at an end because of the abuse he meets out to you, and in turn your son.

Do use all the resources at your disposal to get your abuser out of your day to day lives. Do talk to Women’s Aid, seek legal advice re divorce and never
be afraid to call the police .

Do you also have supportive family and friends here?. Start opening up to trusted people, abuse like this thrives on secrecy too.

And you’re correct in that you do need to protect your son from this. Whilst you are all under the same roof though that is impossible.

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/?gad=1

Advice here. Please make sure he doesn't have access to your phone/laptop.

FIRST OF ALL, go and see a lawyer and see what documents you need fur a divorce. Check what is the right thing to do re the house. Move out or ask him to move out? Is that safe fur you to move out or could he become physical?

And yes he is abusive!! Even your ds, at only 2.5yo, knows that.
You need to protect yourself and him.
Please, leave him!

Could you record him?

Living in an abusive, hostile environment will effect your child's development. You can look into a occupation order to remain in the house but if I was you I would just focus on getting your child and yourself away safely.

All of this. It's sadly not uncommon.

The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Don't make the mistake of thinking because you're married you need to stay and work on it/it's only been a short marriage. You've made a mistake but it can be fixed by you getting out of there.

I think you should get rid of your savings or use them to get a deposit on a private rental/get some financial advice before you leave. Don't let him get to it. Get your ducks in a row as the MN saying goes.

My mum has this volcanic rages when we were kids . It's horrific so my advice is to get your son away . It's no way for a child to live .

Indeed. My ex-husband did exactly this too.

Yes a million percent. Run as fast as you can. Let everyone else catch up later, they don’t have to put up with this shit.

He’s started saying ‘papa stop’

This is heartbreaking, OP. When your 2.5 year-old is telling you the situation is wrong, it's time to act.

It is abuse unfortunately.

I think you should read up on abuse so that you can be sure that's what you are experiencing and feel less confused about your next steps. Then see a solicitor.

Be careful, you are in most danger from an abuser when you are leaving. He will threaten you, your child and threaten suicide. He will say he wants full custody, half custody. He will say he'll trash you to everyone you know (this last one is the ONLY one he might carry out).

If I were you, when you leave don't tell him beforehand. Just go, then talk to him via phone or email only.

Only a few others have said it and you should check with women’s aid, but I’m sure you can/should report him to the police and they can make him leave. Your recordings give you evidence of the abuse. You need to keep yourself safe but yes he should be the one to go.

OP, your bar is very low if you think that in any way he is a good man. He is not, no one should treat their wife and child like this. He is a nasty, abusive, anger filled bully. Please get out as fast as you can, your son is quite able to understand something very bad is happening as is evident from him clinging to you and asking his father to stop! Leave asap for his sake, it's heartbreaking to read.

Your child must be terrified. Having a grown man screaming in your face is horrendous. It must be the dame for you. He is so abusive. You must make an immediate plan to leave. Make sure you know how to do it safely and get the hell away from him. No more begging him to stop or to see sense. He's a vile abusive prick.

Leave ASAP. I wouldn’t want this abusive man to have contact with my child.He has no excuse to behave like this. He also sound enraged and could turn violent. Stay with him and you will be like a recent poster who said not only was her partner aggressive and abusive, but that he ‘just gave her a slap etc’.

Your job is to protect your little boy from emotional and verbal abuse.

I would gather evidence to show he is being abusive as the last thing you want is for your son to have to go and stay with him if you share custody as most parents do. I would be going for supervised contact only which means reporting him as abusive.

‘go away papa’

Your toddler is trying to protect himself and you. That should tell you what you need to do.

Your son is not too young to understand, he very much does understand. Please please leave this man before he does any more damage to your son. He is already living in a traumatic environment.

You need to contact the police and womens aid.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but it is not your fault. Your life will be so much calmer in the future but you need to be strong and face this and deal with this now. Do not feel guilty about leaving! you need to do this so your son does not grow up in an abusive household.

He is in no way a good man. No way.

Get out. Please. It never gets better. Only ever gets worse.

Your husband sounds like my mother.

Her behaviour, and my father's minimising of it - which made me believe it was normal and I deserved it- has caused me severe mental health problems due to trauma.

Get out as soon as you can.

Yes. Leave.

LTB and do it quickly - before he saps your energy and confidence. Sounds like it was a mistake to marry but you can undo and get.out of this situation - its no way to live if he gets.angey and shouts etc.

My Ex was like this and in the end resorted to violence as well.

Ds was 2.5 and stood between us saying ' not hit mummy'

I managed to get up grab my son and get out. I never went back.

Even now 42 years later I still see my son flinch if there is anybody shouting and confrontational.

Please leave take both if you to a safer place.