Should I leave my angry husband after only 3 months?

[WinmillHillmama]

I desperately need some guidance. My DH and I have been together 6 years, we have a 2.5 year old and have been married only 3 months. I’m already regretting the marriage although if I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake and went ahead with it anyway (yes I am an idiot).

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family and hardworking. From the outside looking in we must seem like we have it all. He can be very loving, but there is a dark side to him which is controlling and rage-filled. He loses his temper over almost nothing, daily and many times a day at the weekend. He will literally scream at me in front of my son, telling me to ‘shut the f*ck’ up and more recently at our DS too. I have begged him not to do this but he can’t/ won’t stop. Afterward he attempts to gaslight me, trying to make me misremember how a conversation played out, and always blames me for ‘making him angry’ rather than take responsibility for his outbursts.

I find myself silently sobbing afterwards in disbelief at the way he treats me and the things he calls me, how has it gotten to this. And our poor son, he’s too innocent to be exposed to this much rage. He’s started saying ‘papa stop’ when he’s laying into me and it breaks my heart. I need to protect him from this. He’s just a typical toddler has tantrums etc and when he does DH loses his mind, shouting at him to stop crying, basically having a tantrum himself. I’ve tried suggesting reading up on how to cope with tantrums (and being triggered by them) but apparently that makes me ‘a patronising mumsnet reading idiot’

So unless I really am crazy this isn’t a situation I can stay in, right? How can I even begin to sort out this mess? I’ve started keeping a diary of what’s been going on and some audio recordings of the shouting (the abuse if that’s what it is) in case he tries to turn this all around on me some how.

I have a good income and a few grand saved, so I do have the means to leave if that’s the next step. The house is in both our names though so maybe I shouldn’t leave? I don’t even know where to begin…

Any advice would be such a help because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in ‘real life’ x

Leave, it won't get better.

Hell yes.
I had Mr Angry as a dad.
Turned me into a people pleaser, soother and anxious person

Please get your child out of this situation before it becomes physical.

Just another voice saying LTB. Don't have another child.

'Your poor child is soaking up every single moment of this and every incident is burning itself on his memory and forging his personality. Already, too young, he knows about things he shouldn't, knows this is wrong and is begging him to stop. He will grow up damaged. And with a faulty sense of how to deal with his own anger because he was never shown how.'
What strong words , sums up the absolute reason you should leave him , you are much more advantaged than some women who have no financial means to get out , make plans today and give you and your child a life free from this dangerous man.

I saw very little blaming of you but in reality - you are the adult who has made these decisions, so while there may be complex reasons why you are drawn to an abuser, it does not excuse you from taking action to protect your child.

you do not need evidence! I mean what exactly do you think you’re going to do with this evidence? It really is as simple as moving out!

Why do think I’m here?! And yes I do need evidence as I know he will try to turn this around and take our son. No it absolutely is not as simple as just moving out

if you have nothing helpful to say then please just scroll on

I am going to unfollow this thread. I can here
for help only to find more bullying

You have had exactly what you came for.

Help. Solid, straight talking advice on what to do to save your child.

Not bullying.

What you choose to do with it now is up to you.

And unfollowing because you didn't like the home truths will not help your child.

It really isn’t bullying and the fact that you seem to think it is, is quite baffling to me….
you do not need evidence - your partner will be entitled to access to his child and your evidence will not affect this in any shape or form! So this is a complete and utter waste of time. The only thing you need to do is get yourself and your child out of this mess.

You've had lots of helpful advice too @WinmillHillmama and the critical posts come from a place of care for your son who is being abused and frightened. Many of those who have posted from that POV spent their childhoods growing up in the environment you describe:

To answer your question yes I live on eggshells, always waiting and flinching at sounds from around the house… I know from his movements if he’s angry.

I think our DS is too young to really understand yet but he has started clinging to me a lot more and saying ‘go away papa’ which is probably a sign it’s affecting him too

It is so incredibly damaging to grow up in this environment and while you say he doesn't really understand yet, he is both physically and verbally showing and telling you that he is afraid of his dad.

His little body and brain are already being impacted by being forced to live under the same roof as his (and your) abuser.

It's not easy to end an abusive relationship. But it's the right thing to do.

Have you called women's aid yet? They would be a good first step.

OP I get it. It does feel like you've been piled on here. Like you're just immediately expected to leave because you've posted and you're a terrible mother letting her son be damaged if you don't.

Take a breather. Come back under a different username and ask for support to make a get out plan. You can't just up and leave you do need a plan.

I think your first step should be the half hour free you get with a solicitor to discuss housing and financials. It would be good if you got some information before you went to a solicitor to save yourself money.

It's not as simple for many people as just walking out of your entire life, particularly where there are children involved or a long period of being beaten down mentally. People can take time to leave an abusive relationship and ordering them around and making them feel even more helpless doesn't solve anything.

I appreciate you're trying to help, but this isn't the way to do it.

Actually I think this thread has turned into a bit of a human piranha tank. Yes, it's a cut and dried LTB and everybody loves to be right, but I don't blame the OP for feeling a bit battered.

@WinmillHillmama
The why’s and the wherefore’s of what happened in the past don’t matter one single jot.

What does matter is that you are 100% right that you need to get away from this disgusting man as soon as you possibly can before more damage is done.

I wish you and your lovely little boy all the very best 💐

I stayed with my husband thinking that he would change. It took him raping me to give me a reason to leave. He took my sanity, my home & my job, I have never regretted leaving even though ds & I left with just what clothes we had got on & ds hamster. Once we had left, I concentrated on regaining my mental health & building a new life for us both.

Exactly. My mom got me away from a father like that when I was 4. I wish she had left sooner, but at least she got me away. She met someone else and bio-dad gave me up so no child support and new Dad adopted me when I was 5. Life was so much better after that. I'm in 60s now and still remember stuff.