Should I leave my angry husband after only 3 months?

[WinmillHillmama]

I desperately need some guidance. My DH and I have been together 6 years, we have a 2.5 year old and have been married only 3 months. I’m already regretting the marriage although if I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake and went ahead with it anyway (yes I am an idiot).

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family and hardworking. From the outside looking in we must seem like we have it all. He can be very loving, but there is a dark side to him which is controlling and rage-filled. He loses his temper over almost nothing, daily and many times a day at the weekend. He will literally scream at me in front of my son, telling me to ‘shut the f*ck’ up and more recently at our DS too. I have begged him not to do this but he can’t/ won’t stop. Afterward he attempts to gaslight me, trying to make me misremember how a conversation played out, and always blames me for ‘making him angry’ rather than take responsibility for his outbursts.

I find myself silently sobbing afterwards in disbelief at the way he treats me and the things he calls me, how has it gotten to this. And our poor son, he’s too innocent to be exposed to this much rage. He’s started saying ‘papa stop’ when he’s laying into me and it breaks my heart. I need to protect him from this. He’s just a typical toddler has tantrums etc and when he does DH loses his mind, shouting at him to stop crying, basically having a tantrum himself. I’ve tried suggesting reading up on how to cope with tantrums (and being triggered by them) but apparently that makes me ‘a patronising mumsnet reading idiot’

So unless I really am crazy this isn’t a situation I can stay in, right? How can I even begin to sort out this mess? I’ve started keeping a diary of what’s been going on and some audio recordings of the shouting (the abuse if that’s what it is) in case he tries to turn this all around on me some how.

I have a good income and a few grand saved, so I do have the means to leave if that’s the next step. The house is in both our names though so maybe I shouldn’t leave? I don’t even know where to begin…

Any advice would be such a help because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in ‘real life’ x

I think our DS is too young to really understand yet but he has started clinging to me a lot more and saying ‘go away papa’ which is probably a sign it’s affecting him too

Your poor son is being traumatised. You MUST leave as quickly as possible. If you can leave today and stay at a family member's home, do so.

You absolutely need to report this to the police, record him if you can ( and safely) as that way you will have some sort of proof. You need that proof other wise it's your word against his and he could be a spiteful arshole that decides to portray YOU as the monster and get full custody. Be honest, even 50/50 would Carter damage to your child and he wouldn't want to go with his dad. So you need to report it to your gp. Ask for counselling through them. Ring women's aid. Confide in your closest friend or boss. Record him if you can. As soon as you have some/several items of proof then go to the police and get an emergency injunction out against him banning him from the house for a period of time. This gives you time to breathe.

It seems so often on MN that we hear about men who change for the worse as soon as they're married. Awful to think what deep seated assumptions they have in their heads about what marriage means and what dark switch gets activated.

My friend left her husband after being married for 3 weeks because he was abusive. She's now married to a lovely man.

This is my fear and is entirely possible. He with this help of his family will stop at nothing to keep hold of DS. I bought an Apple Watch pretty much for the sole purpose of being able to surreptitiously record him and after only a week I’ve got a lot of recordings (which says enough on and of itself) im also keeping a daily diary of what he’s doing, to keep myself reminded of what he really is when he’s being ‘nice’ again

You are hugely underestimating the impact on your son. He might not have the words but he can feel the anger, the rage, your fear, all of which his little nervous system registers as Danger, pure and simple. For a child that age to be already telling his father to stop is very significant. Please get him away from this man, who is categorically not a good father.

You made a mistake marrying this man but you know that, and you can start to put things right for your son. Please please leave your husband.

Are there legal separations in the UK ?

You have enough proof already by the sounds of it. Don't wait for more, get things in process now, for the sake of your frightened child x

Your child is living in an environment of fear and aggression- at this age it will affect the child

Please leave - and all the begging in Ymir world that this man will do should not change your mind
You and your child deserve better

Why do you think he is a good partner and father when he does this? He is not OP! He’s hurting you and your son. and to your point about your son being too young to understand, I respectfully disagree. He has a ‘subconscious mind’ whether you like it or not. His asking his father to go away and clinging to you is one of the effects of growing up in such an environment. I am no therapist myself but after leaving an abusive marriage and spending thousands of pounds on therapists, I have a good understanding of how these things might come about.
I am relieved and happy you’ve got a great job and some savings. Don’t worry too much about the house, I don’t think he can sell it without your consent.

Look into getting an annulment. I think you can do that in the first year if being married.

My mother was you. She never left and the hell I grew up in was awful. Just awful. I eventually had a mental health crisis and when she still stood by him I cut off all ties and started my life afresh after lots of therapy. That was all years and years ago, ten years no contact. Don't make the same mistake my 'mum' did. She lost me completely.

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family

He isn’t, though, is he? A good partner doesn’t scream abuse in his wife’s face and then deny it afterwards. A good father doesn’t terrify his own child with his vicious temper. A man who is devoted to his family doesn’t make them live in fear of his anger.

Such a little LO already saying 'papa stop.' 😥

You're in complete denial if you really think he doesn't know/isn't effected by what's going on; he's even saying it in words.

@WinmillHillmama Doesn't it break your heart?

Like PP's said, ok you made a mistake but you can change it. x

Speak to woman's aid and strongly consider leaving via a refuge.

I’d go to the police. I’d want it on file that he was abusive. I’d want to be one step ahead of the vicious prick if he tried to take my son from me. Keep gathering evidence. Get it logged with them.

In many ways he’s a good partner and father

I’ll never understand seeing this on threads like this. It just shows how damaged the women victims truly are by these evil pieces of shit.

Emotional abuse is now a crime. Please go to the police, explain everything - how and why you are scared to leave him, take advice from Woman's Aid. Please OP - get everything recorded. I didn't and there have been very sad consequences

Can you afford the house on your own? Speak to Women's Aid, get some legal advice, you may be able to get an Occupation Order

Hence the "amazing dads" thread from yesterday.

Yes, you know the answer to your own question.

You must leave.

Make a plan. Do it.

You will not regret it.

You've said your son is too young to understand yet.
Please read up on ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and the impact they can have as they grow, and even their adult lives.
Children are never too young to be impacted by something like this and the fact he's telling his dad to stop shows he understands something isn't right.

Get some support in place asap, and leave him. Good luck x

your husband is abusive to you, but more importantly he’s abusing your 2 year old. Leave and don’t let him near your child again. Protect your son.

How can you think so little of your child?? Ffs get this "man" out of his life.

Unbelievable.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but I think you know that you need to leave.