Should I leave my angry husband after only 3 months?

[WinmillHillmama]

I desperately need some guidance. My DH and I have been together 6 years, we have a 2.5 year old and have been married only 3 months. I’m already regretting the marriage although if I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake and went ahead with it anyway (yes I am an idiot).

In many ways he’s a good partner and father, devoted to his family and hardworking. From the outside looking in we must seem like we have it all. He can be very loving, but there is a dark side to him which is controlling and rage-filled. He loses his temper over almost nothing, daily and many times a day at the weekend. He will literally scream at me in front of my son, telling me to ‘shut the f*ck’ up and more recently at our DS too. I have begged him not to do this but he can’t/ won’t stop. Afterward he attempts to gaslight me, trying to make me misremember how a conversation played out, and always blames me for ‘making him angry’ rather than take responsibility for his outbursts.

I find myself silently sobbing afterwards in disbelief at the way he treats me and the things he calls me, how has it gotten to this. And our poor son, he’s too innocent to be exposed to this much rage. He’s started saying ‘papa stop’ when he’s laying into me and it breaks my heart. I need to protect him from this. He’s just a typical toddler has tantrums etc and when he does DH loses his mind, shouting at him to stop crying, basically having a tantrum himself. I’ve tried suggesting reading up on how to cope with tantrums (and being triggered by them) but apparently that makes me ‘a patronising mumsnet reading idiot’

So unless I really am crazy this isn’t a situation I can stay in, right? How can I even begin to sort out this mess? I’ve started keeping a diary of what’s been going on and some audio recordings of the shouting (the abuse if that’s what it is) in case he tries to turn this all around on me some how.

I have a good income and a few grand saved, so I do have the means to leave if that’s the next step. The house is in both our names though so maybe I shouldn’t leave? I don’t even know where to begin…

Any advice would be such a help because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in ‘real life’ x

Leave him ASAP, you can't file for divorce until you have been married a year, but you don't have to live your life walking on eggshells. Get your ducks in a row, get copies of his payslips, bank statements etc, your & ds birth certificates & passports, make sure you have a bank account in your name only & get things like your salary & child benefit paid into it. If you have a joint account, get cashback every time you go shopping & pay the money in your own account, make sure you know how much is in the account & the day you leave, draw out or transfer half to your own account before he gets chance to empty it. Try to remove anything precious to you & ds, ask a trusted friend or relation if you can leave things with them, take some clothes as well if you can. If he kicks off in the meantime, ring the police, it is emotional abuse & child abuse.

How eloquently written and painful to read.
The harm done to children in this situation is immense. My eldest has permanent mental health issues.
Please read Why Does He Do That (Lundy Bancroft) - free online here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
See a solicitor for a free advice session. Speak to the police for a risk assessment (I found this really validating and practical support offered).
You do not need to stay in your home to retain joint ownership of it, it's more that if you leave it would be difficult to get him to leave it so that you could live there.
It doesn't matter how long you have been together or how long you have been married -the important thing is that you are now seeing the light - a road to recovery if you like. There will be problems along the way and separating is not straightforward practically or emotionally, but the sense of freedom and peace you have when you know you are in a home where you will not get shouted at for nothing, not walking on eggshells, not dreading the key in the door etc - is like fresh air.

please leave he sounds nasty , my only concern is that if you leave he might want to share custody of your son and end up abusing him

LTB

Leave as quickly as you can. This is domestic violence and abuse. Dot think because he doesn't punch you in the face that it isn't.

I had an abusive husband as well as shouting and swearing at me, calling me a dumb, fuck, a slag , a thick bitch etc he would also do things like shove me out the way, squeeze my arm or fingers hard so it hurt. Ending it was hard but it felt better very quickly, being able to relax in my own home and not worry about what to say or about setting him off. Tell people what is happening, family etc ask them to help. Ring woman's aid for advice. You will need to think at some point about him seeing your dc, as he may want to so it's what that will look like. If he does anything physical phone the police , don't put yourself at risk. He may beg and promise to change, you still need to end it. Firstly for your child, so they grow up away from this unhealthy relationship dynamic. And secondly for you, if you stay you are telling him this is acceptable and forgivable. It isn't.

I'm happily married to a man I love to bits now and my dd have seen what a healthy relationship looks like. And have had a consistent man in their life who's supported them throughout. They have partners too now and have chose lovely men. They did see their dad eow growing up plus a night in the week. It was tough at first but it settled into a routine. It dropped off in their teens and now as adults they see him every few months or so.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune . Lovely bit of victim blaming there. People are not in abusive relationships for the fun of it, the reasons they stay are complex. Just because you think you know what you would do in that situation doesn't give you the right to judge and criticise others. Berating people who are struggling doesn't make them take action , they need support, advice and guidance. I hope someone close to you never turns to you for this type of support.

Yes, you should.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your son.

As PP said, this is domestic abuse.
Any chance you can record his outbursts?

Everyone says LTB but bear in mind he will share custody of your son and then he’ll be alone with him and potentially lose his rag and you won’t be there to protect your little boy.

i think you need evidence and you should contact police when you have it. Keep a diary of dates and times of the abuse and what was said in a few words.

Yes leave him.

Well done on reaching out. Make your exit plan and tell someone in real life. Your poor baby needs you to do this. You’ve posted on here because you just needed validation for what you’ve already decided to do. He’s a bully. Take care. X

Not everyone looking in thinks he's great. I reckon a few have clocked his number

He's more controlling now as he's got you right where he wants you. You must leave immediately.

Gather documents, as many clothes and any cash you can find.

Thanks everyone that shared advice, resources, experience and validation. I appreciate the time taken to read about my situation and share. Unfortunately in the mix there’s a lot of shaming here too, which I really didnt need. The situation is very complex and obviously there has been a road that led us here which can’t possibly know be told in a few paragraphs. I am resilient enough to see it for what it is though and instead of feeling wounded I’m just going to focus on my plan, gathering evidence and getting us out. Thanks again for those that came here to help

Please get yourself and innocent son away from this bully, OP.

Don’t second guess yourself about whether you should have married, whether he really is as bad as you think. That’s just the consequences of his eroding your confidence. Why can’t you tell people in real life? There are people who love you and they deserve to be given the chance to support you.
I work with children affected by DV and let me tell you straight: there is no ‘too young’ to be affected. This is damaging and your son is a victim of domestic abuse. You have the agency and the smarts to navigate this. Even if you lose financially: your happiness and your sons future are worth it.

Protect your child and end this now.

Yes please do leave him, there is absolutely no benefit to either you or your son to stay in this home with him- even 'only' occasional outbursts but you both on edge knowing it can happen at any time.

If he really is committed to working through his rage issues to win you back he can do a course there are courses in this if he admits he has a problem, but he needs to be living separately from you.

Oh good idea

Another one who grew up with a DF like this. It's actually terrifying reading how many of us did.
My DM is still with him, and he had another explosion at her this weekend in my presence (I'm in my early 30s), so in my experience, it doesn't get better unless the correct help is sought. For my DF it's underlying depression that he refuses to get treated. And even then, people will not always change.
I lose a bit of temporary respect for my mum every time he screams obscenities at her and she just takes it. I would NC my dad in a heartbeat if it wouldn't cause issues for her.
Don't let your DC grow up in that environment, they will remember. My one requirement in a partner was that they never behave like that and it affected me more than I knew at the time.
And also...you deserve so much more.

Be safe x

Your poor little, innocent boy. You have to leave for his sake. Please, just pack a back and get out today.

I posted a very similar post on here 4 summers ago and got the same response. Like your DH mine was great a lot of the time but then say ten per cent of the time would burst into these angry rages for no reason whatsoever. I’ve often thought about trying to find my thread just to remind myself. We had been together almost 20 years in total bur for the first ten or so I could brush his anger under the carpet. It wasn’t until we had children that I realised I couldn’t have my kids living like that too. On eggshells. So i was brave and posted here and the responses helped cement my feelings. It all came to a big head on NY day a few months later when he lashed out at my violently. The next day I was brave enough to say enough was enough. We’ve been separated 3 years now and whilst it isn’t always easy it has been a great life experience, a lot of fun, a lot of new things and the kids are fine. I don’t regret leaving for one minute. Sometimes I miss our old days together but there was no way I could stay with an angry man for the rest of my life. Life is too short to be walking around on eggshells.

Speak to a family lawyer about getting an occupation order for the house if you’d rather not move house and it’s safe to do do. Don’t get an annulment, you have more rights as his wife, though you will have to wait until you’ve been married a year before you file for divorce as previous posters have said.

recordings are helpful but bear in mind secret recordings are not always admissable in court. Keep a written record of what’s going on. Messages to family and friends (it’s advisable to confide in someone at this point) GP appointments, a DA charity who can tell the council and put you down as a vulnerable adult - anything that will help you to provide evidence you can present to a judge that you’re suffering from abuse.

You need to be clever.

Call women's aid and say you're in fear for your and DS safety. You need to flee through them.

Then seek legal advice and a CAO through legal aid.

Leaving is difficult but you dont have any choice. You can't allow your child to be exposed to that.

Hopefully, once you have split, if your partner sees your son he will behave ok towards him. This is where you have to hope he is a Disney dad.

Good luck. Think how relieved you will feel,once it's all over.

You are both being terrorised and abused.

Please reach out for help and get away.

This.