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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 27/07/2023 18:28

He strangled you and you’re cooking his tea?

Hiddenvoice · 27/07/2023 18:28

Op I’ve read all your posts. You are not an awful mum!! You are in shock and are breaking down. Did you tell the gp the truth?

don’t cook him dinner! Tell him your sister is taking you and dd out for a late dinner. Text your sister and ask him to come collect you immediately.
Send her a link to this post so she can be updated and you don’t need to type it out again.

Please please leave. You are being incredibly strong and keeping it together for your dd but you need help. He isn’t going to leave, it’s been days and he’s still there. Make an excuse to get out the house. Just take a change of clothes for dd and her favourite toy and leave. He won’t think anything of it if you don’t take anything.

Once you’re away, phone the police. He’s guilting you and scaring you into making you believe that you are the abuser but that is standard chat. Please try get away!

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 18:29

Please don't tell me your cooking his tea!!!!! Send your sister the link to this NOW!!!

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:30

In fact OP send this link to anyone you can trust. It's important some people in your real life know the danger you're in

BadNomad · 27/07/2023 18:31

Tell your sister what is going on now because if you can't answer the phone at 8pm because he has killed you then she needs to know to contact the police.

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:31

We predicted he would come home early.

Think about what else we’ve predicted.

Pick up the baby and walk out while he’s in the shower.

He will never be more dangerous than he is right now.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:33

You don't need anything, OP, but yourself and baby. Pick up baby, walk out the door. Go to your sister's, the GP, a coffee shop, the police station. That man in the house with you now is extremely dangerous.

debbs77 · 27/07/2023 18:37

Omg OP this is horrendous. My ex did the same, but wasn't really violent like your ex is. He would follow me round the house, goading me, cornering me with our baby in my arms and getting in my face. The one time I pushed him away (19 stone) I scratched his neck and he took photos. Told me I was mental, that I needed help and had abused him.

I wish we could all help you xx

medianewbie · 27/07/2023 18:39

Listen to @BadNomad
This is the MOST dangerous time.
You know it too, that's why you asked your sister to call you back at 8. It might be too late at 8!!! Send her the link & walk out whilst he's in shower.

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:39

I've sent this post to my sister. She has text me back and said she is calling our dad now

OP posts:
tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 18:39

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 18:29

Please don't tell me your cooking his tea!!!!! Send your sister the link to this NOW!!!

given the situation I would say that OP is in shock, trauma bonded to this man and unable to properly process what has happened

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/07/2023 18:39

Oh my goodness, You have been so beaten and demoralised by this man, he has you believing the worst. Please report this and go to the police station. He could’ve seriously injured or killed you. Please get you and your daughter away from him.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:41

WELL DONE @Lavennder !!

Can you and baby wait outside, maybe at a neighbours ?

Takeabreather23 · 27/07/2023 18:42

You shouldn’t need anti depressants(they will take weeks to kick in anyway) you will
be better once he’s gone . Close the door have a relaxing bath and take your home back .
You will automatically get legal aid on your cash , if he starts his nonsense. It’s all just threats he’s scared to loose control . He knows what he has done !
please call the police either to make him leave or report hiss horrible ass and keep him gone!

fancydressjess · 27/07/2023 18:42

This is not your fault. Please leave when it is safe to do so and meet your family and police for protection x

Hiddenvoice · 27/07/2023 18:42

Well done, this is the first step. Is he still in the shower? If so then please grab your dd and leave. Go to a neighbours and ask if you can wait until your dad or sister arrives. You need to get out of the house.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/07/2023 18:43

Good job OP x

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 18:43

Great update OP!! You've done the hardest bit now, personally I would keep off the anti depressants for now they make you feel worse before they make you feel better.

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:44

Well done @Lavennder
It takes a lot of bravery to reach out in RL.

Can you wait outside for them. You’ll be safer outside the house where others can see him if he tries anything

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 18:44

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:39

I've sent this post to my sister. She has text me back and said she is calling our dad now

I am so pleased to hear this Flowers

You are stronger than you think and now your family will be there to support you.

The audacity of him expecting you still to cook his dinner. He is a vile, disgusting excuse of a human being.

HopityHope · 27/07/2023 18:46

@Lavennder huge well done for showing your sister this post. The shame is not yours to hide him, you told your sister in the only way you could.

Your GP is absolutely right that they can’t see you and give you antidepressants or something for anxiety, that you have been assaulted band the only appropriate place is A&E and also the police. Your Gp has said it’s ok to do both and please follow through.

but we’ll done again for sending this thread to your sister. Let your family help you.

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:46

My dad has text me saying for me not to worry and that he's on the way over. I'm so stressed out. I've left dinner, turned the stove off and just taken dd in the garden. Why do I feel somewhat guilty for what's about to happen? I feel even more anxious dragging my dad into this, I've text him back asking him please not to kick off with him.

OP posts:
Dearly89 · 27/07/2023 18:46

TELL SOMEONE. If you don't want to go to the police, get a friend/family member to be present in the house and film everything when you pack stuff etc. My ex was the same but he would never do anything if others were present so that was my safety. When I was gone, that's when I called the police.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:48

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:46

My dad has text me saying for me not to worry and that he's on the way over. I'm so stressed out. I've left dinner, turned the stove off and just taken dd in the garden. Why do I feel somewhat guilty for what's about to happen? I feel even more anxious dragging my dad into this, I've text him back asking him please not to kick off with him.

You star. You utter star. You are doing AMAZINGLY! You've been through hell and had to claw your way out while you're still hurting. Extra well done for getting you a DD in the garden. Try and just leave straight away when your dad arrives. You're not responsible for anyone else's behaviour of course but a confrontation right now would be best avoided. We're all with you.

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:48

Can you phone your sister again? It might be easier to have someone to actually speak to while you wait?

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