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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
WedRine · 27/07/2023 18:49

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:46

My dad has text me saying for me not to worry and that he's on the way over. I'm so stressed out. I've left dinner, turned the stove off and just taken dd in the garden. Why do I feel somewhat guilty for what's about to happen? I feel even more anxious dragging my dad into this, I've text him back asking him please not to kick off with him.

The guilt is normal. I definitely felt the same. Let your dad help you; as a parent I would want to be there for my daughter if she ever experienced anything like this. So don't feel bad about getting him involved.

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:50

If you’re worried for your dad, calling the police now would be a good idea because they will not let it get out of hand.

fancydressjess · 27/07/2023 18:50

You are doing amazing. You will get through this. Your poor body must be absolutely flooded with stress hormones...flight, fight, fawn, freeze.... At the moment you have mostly been using fawn and freeze so you feel safe from further attack.... But you can flee... leave and get help and support to be properly safe.
You got this.

smartiesnskittles · 27/07/2023 18:50

So glad you've told your sister and she's involved your dad. Tell them the truth and let them help you.

You and your dd do not deserve to be treated this way. Listen to your dad and sister. Take the advice of the GP- involve the police. Do not listen to the crap your ex is spouting. He knows he's in trouble and is trying to manipulate and scare you.

Well done for reaching out and looking to escape this abuse.

NewStartNow · 27/07/2023 18:52

Hope your dad isn't far away and is there very soon xx

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 27/07/2023 18:52

Your are so strong. Don’t doubt yourself for a moment ❤️

well done for telling your family. They will help you through this.

He’s scum and, money or not, the police will see straight through him

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:52

You’re doing great @Lavennder

You are being an amazing mum to your little one right now.

fancydressjess · 27/07/2023 18:53

We are all rooting for you x

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2023 18:53

I would speak to the police now, and ask that someone can attend as you're worried he won't leave and will be aggressive/violent - explain the situation.

Hopefully as other people arrive, he will just sling his hook without a fuss but thats not always the way things go.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2023 18:55

Grabbing somebodys neck is really dangerous and can resilt in death. You need to report this to the police.

Devonshiregal · 27/07/2023 18:57

I am amazed and awed (and a little bit jealous!) that you told your sister (and by default your dad) because I didn’t. You please don’t go back to this man. And be assured we all feel the guilt - ignore the fuck out of it. You are not guilty. Go you! Tell them EVERYTHING so you can’t go back and pretend bits of it didn’t happen and get back with him. Don’t feel embarrassed either - not your faultx

Songbird54321 · 27/07/2023 18:58

You’re doing amazing, op. So relieved for you that you’ve told your family and will be getting some support.
I agree with others that police involvement is absolutely essential.
I hope you’re next update is that the bastard has gone and the police have been informed

Mama2six · 27/07/2023 18:59

Well done on letting your sister see this thread you are a fantastic mum for getting help and trying to protect her, maybe call the police and let them know what’s happening it will also help as you can go zero contact for him with a restraining order too. Keep strong OP

debbs77 · 27/07/2023 18:59

Please ask your sister to call the police for you for when your Dad gets there

Mumontherunn · 27/07/2023 18:59

Well done on speaking out OP! You’re so brave. Good luck x

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/07/2023 19:00

I am so so glad that you have called your sister and so glad that she has called your dad. I can understand your fear right now, just keep your daughter close. You are being such an amazing mother. Everyone is rooting for you. Honestly, you will feel so brilliant one day that you stood up for yourself and your little one and recognised so soon how not ok this is. Sending strength.

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/07/2023 19:02

Well done OP, I completely understand those feelings of anxiety, especially when he's blaming you for everything. Trust me what you are feeling is completely normal under the circumstances. You are 100% doing the right thing by letting your family know what is going on, this is such a huge step forward in the right direction, you should be proud you're taking steps to protect you and your child.

Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 19:02

Im so glad you contacted your dad and he is on his way over. As much as everyone is telling you to contact the police. That will be so much easier if you have someone there for support. You will have extra strength and support now. Sending you love and I hope you come back for after support there are many amazing women and replies on here 💐

Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 19:03

Also. Well done! This takes immense strength to do! You’re stronger than your think and an incredible mother!

Gagaandgag · 27/07/2023 19:06

Thinking of you and your daughter xx

disneycastles · 27/07/2023 19:07

Thinking of you OP, you're a superstar

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 19:07

Wow he must be laughing his head off by the fact he assaulted you and threatened you and instead of immediately kicking him out you cook him dinner!

Thank God your sister and Dad know as I don’t think you’d be strong enough to kick him out by yourself.

Good luck OP.
I do hope you realise the magnitude of what he’s done before it’s too late.

Please do not believe any of his lies.

skyeisthelimit · 27/07/2023 19:07

Well done on contacting your family, you are doing so well and being very brave.

Report this to the police, the wounds on him by you are self defence wounds, you didn't attack him and he is only saying it to control you and stop you going to the police.

This was a serious attack, tell the doctor the truth and get this on record with them and the police and it will help when you have to sort out contact with DD etc. You have done the right thing for DD by getting him to leave.

I hope that your family can give you the support you need now and that DP gets out of your house and your life.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 19:09

You are a strong, strong woman, OP.

CoffeeLover90 · 27/07/2023 19:09

I was you two years ago. I could have written this.
I did let my son down. I still feel guilty. I'll always feel guilty.
I say this with the greatest amount of empathy and I don't mean to upset you further, I'm so sorry if it does.
No amount of antidepressants is going to fix this. He's not leaving tonight. He never intended to. He's laughing at you it's all a game.
I understand you're scared and I know better than most how it feels not being able to look your own child in the eye. But let go of the fear, don't feel bad for him, start getting angry. And when the anger comes, don't fight it because that's what's going to see you through this.
He's talking absolute bollocks about the police too. Report him, if you still have photos, show them. Tell them exactly what you've written here. They'll see straight through him, they're not stupid. Good job he filmed you, let him show the police how hysterical you were, with hand marks on your neck. That'll do him no favours.
Tell everyone what he did, family, friends, neighbours etc don't hide HIS shameful secrets.
Ring women's aid for practical advice once he's gone and you've reported him.
I hope your dad can help. If you're anywhere near me I'll come drag him out myself.

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