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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2023 17:52

It's 5:45, he's coming at 7, and it looks like you still haven't asked anyone to be there when he comes.
Everyone on here has told you that it is not safe for you to be there alone when (if) he turns up.
If that is correct, please leave before he comes. He will almost certainly hurt you again, in front of your DD.
And how can you even consider putting her through the scene you describe of him saying "goodbye" to her? Get out now, take DD with you . He doesn't care about hurting you or her. He wasn't worried about enacting his scenes in front of her. He won't worry abut doing it again.
I know you're paralysed with fear, I know you are ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this, but you must protect yourself now. Safety first. You've only got an hour, move fast. He might well come back sooner.

Sendinghugs · 27/07/2023 17:52

Hi, I haven’t ever posted on MN before but realise now how helpful this site can be. I was in your situation- I fought back once and he called me the abusive one. This is common and the police etc. understand. I felt drained. I was worried about court. I was terrified about the impact on my children. These men get inside your head and you feel like a complete failure. You compare yourself to other couples and think life is so unfair and that the problem is you. It is not. You have done nothing wrong. The police will help you should you go down that route (I would recommend that although it is your decision to decide what is best for you and your child). But you do need to leave this man. You will need to be very strong and you can do this. You need to be kind to yourself and make sure you have food and activities and surround your home with love once he is out. Your child will remember this over everything else.

If it helps, 8 years on, my children and I are very happy most of the time. We remember the past and we feel lucky to be where we are. It has been hard and he still sees them a couple of times a month but we talk about it and are very honest with each other which makes us very close. We have a great relationship and a fun time together- lots of laughing and love. You will be there too with your child because you sound lovely.

Be as strong, consistent and fair as you can with everyone from now on and if you ever make a mistake, just remember that you are human in a very difficult situation. Good luck and well done so far 💐

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2023 17:54

Also, he doesn't need 30 days notice, he's not a tenant or even a lodger.

buggo · 27/07/2023 17:59

OP, you have an hour left until he is home and I have to try one more time. Waiting for the GP, maybe getting a hotel and some antidepressants is not going to cut it.

I really know that this is so frightening, but the man is a manipulative abuser and both you and your DD are absolutely not safe.

If you give in to the blackmail, you are relying on him keeping his word that as long as you don't go to the police, he will not battle you for custody and you can just coparent amicably going forward.

There is no reason to believe he will keep his word. This is not the partner that you thought you knew, that you could text to ask about their plans. This is not a normal break up. He strangled you.

Even if you don't go to the police, he will not be able to cope with a separation and losing control over you. Giving into the blackmail is not a solution because he can keep doing it and keep changing the goal posts any time he wants.

There is every chance, even if you go along with what he says, that he will still go to the police to hurt you, or still battle in the courts about custody arrangements. If you won't report for your safety then please report so that you have given your story first and so any evidence regarding injury can be collected sooner rather than later. Report so that when the battle comes, you can fight against him and you will have the support to win.

I know you probably can't believe us right now about how serious this is, but please, for your DD, trust us. Once your DD grows up, she will not remember the other night. She will be raised in a loving and happy home. In your home. If her father murders her mother than that will be with her for the rest of her life.

Antidepressants take weeks to work. These are weeks that you do not have. They will not work, because this isn't about depression. You are in an abusive and extremely frightening situation. The emotions you are having are there for a reason. Your mind and body are telling you that you are in grave and immediate danger. You have the strength inside you. It's there, in reserve. Using it might exhaust you and break you for a while, but there will be time to heal afterwards. Right now you need to find that strength and use every bit of it. Please go, right now. Shoes on and one step in front of the other.

JeandeServiette · 27/07/2023 18:02

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2023 17:54

Also, he doesn't need 30 days notice, he's not a tenant or even a lodger.

This.

OP he is manipulating you. It's standard DV behaviour to mess with your head as well as the violence.

You're a good mum because you're trying to get him out and make your home safe.

Pursue any combination of police, women's aid, court order you need to do to get him out and keep him gone.

Try and het the marks witnesses by a doctor or police officer today, though, before they are gone. Just turn up at the surgery, A&E or police station and tell them what's happened.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/07/2023 18:05

Antidepressants aren’t going to help. They won’t make you safe.

Waiting for him to leave is dangerous. For you and your daughter.

silverspider05 · 27/07/2023 18:08

You are an amazing mum, you are suffering through an extremely traumatic event right now and like other posters I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get out with your dd as quickly as you possibly can. You can do this, it is frightening and scary but the rental and everything else can be sorted out later. Right now you need to be somewhere safe, he is going to try and scare you into not leaving or telling anyone by using custody of your dd as a hold over you. They are not going to take her away from you, they have no reason to. Thinking of you, please be careful x

ishopthereforeiam · 27/07/2023 18:08

Contact the police and women’s aid.

WedRine · 27/07/2023 18:11

Also, just bear in mind that by continuing to live in the same place as him, giving him opportunities to be alone in the same house as you and the child, will massively demerit your case when this gets to family court. It was the reason exH got unsupervised contact and overnights and why his prohibitive steps order was upheld. And then why at 4 years old exH threw a chair at DD's head in a fit of rage during contact time. Don't be there when he is home, leave with the child and got to A&E.

thisbetheverse · 27/07/2023 18:13

OP please get to a safe place I’ve been thinking about your post since I saw it earlier today and like everyone commenting i’m genuinely scared for your safety.

You can do this, in the future you will look back and think thank god you did x

BedisBliss · 27/07/2023 18:14

You have had so much good advice on here. Been there, done that with the violence and the gaslighting, struggled financially afterwards too BUT....be strong, know that he is an arse and you have done nothing wrong. You will come out of this on the other side happier and with a well-adjusted daughter who knows her worth. (Can testify to that.) Sending you lots of love and 'be strong vibes' and actually have tears in my eyes typing this. Keep telling yourself - you are worth more than this and your daughter deserves more too.

Shadesofscarlett · 27/07/2023 18:15

oh poppet you poor thing - i wonder if you might also have a concussion. Can you get to a neighbour's house maybe to phone for help?

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 27/07/2023 18:15

Shadesofscarlett · 27/07/2023 18:15

oh poppet you poor thing - i wonder if you might also have a concussion. Can you get to a neighbour's house maybe to phone for help?

Excellent point, concussion makes it really difficult to assess your situation and make decisions.

Shadesofscarlett · 27/07/2023 18:17

can i also add if you have reported this abuse to GP, WA, Police etc - these are all gateways to you getting Legal Aid if you need a lawyer.

Begonne · 27/07/2023 18:18

We’re here with you, calling you to safety, holding out our hands to you.

All you have to do is get yourself and the babe out of the house, and we will guide from there.

You can do this.

Sazza26xx · 27/07/2023 18:21

I'm going to be blunt, get out now or he will kill you. He's manipulating and abusing not just you but your daughter as she's witnessed it

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:23

I was showering and he came home early and has said he will leave after dinner. I'm in the kitchen putting dinner on now. Thank you everyone for your replies, I'm taking what has been said to me very seriously. I was on the phone to my sister since he got back, she keeps asking me what is wrong because I'm not usually a long phone call person. I told her to please call me back at 8. She was questioning but said she is going to call me. She has text me and I have started to tell her but it's difficult. I found it much easier on here because no one knows me. I might just send her the link to this post. I will respond better when I can

OP posts:
tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:24

@Lavennder we're begging you to flee the house, sweetheart.

Grab baby and get out. We're all with you. You're not safe there.

You've still got time before he comes home. Come on darling, you can do it. You must.

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 18:24

OP please listen to everyone. I have been in a very, very similar situation.

I did not leave straight away because he seemed so sorry and remorseful I believed it was a one-off because he had never done anything like that before.

It's never a one off. It became more frequent and I got used to it. I was a nervous wreck, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling at this moment.

Do not confuse the the fact that just because you think he is a good Dad (he is not or he would not have done this. He didn't even have the decency to leave and instead has watched you as a broken woman for 5 days and doesn't give a shit.) and you likely will have had some lovely times with the fact that he is an abusive piece of shit.

If you have it in you to do it once, you have it in you to do it again. 5 days you have struggled to even function and all he cares about is getting away with it. THIS is the real him.

He won't leave. He has said about 30 days and told YOU to pack his stuff because he won't leave. He will need to make sure you are kept down so you don't report him.

He will (and already has started) trying to make out you are crazy. Without a report he has you right where he wants you, terrified he will take your DD away so you will let him stay and he'll know he can do whatever he wants because you are too frightened.

It doesn't matter how much money he has. Yes, it means he can afford a decent lawyer but that is it.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh nut if you don't act now this will be your life.

I don't think I will ever fully recover after the years of emotional abuse and gaslighting. I should have left the first time but he emotionally manipulated me, crying about how sorry he was, he was stressed at work etc. Yours has acted like it's your fault. No remorse, he is a calculated, dangerous individual.

If I were you I wouldn't want my DD anywhere near him.

I am sending you love and strength. This will be the best thing you have ever done for you and your daughter. Please, please get out.

medianewbie · 27/07/2023 18:24

@LLavennder
YES - send her the link to this.
Right Now !

GarlicGrace · 27/07/2023 18:24

@Lavennder, non-fatal strangulation is a crime carrying a five-year sentence.
Leg scratching is not.

I hope this helps you to put his accusations into perspective.
He seriously endangered your life.

Please follow PPs' recommendations above.
Good luck.

Non-fatal strangulation or non-fatal suffocation | The Crown Prosecution Service

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/non-fatal-strangulation-or-non-fatal-suffocation

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:25

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:23

I was showering and he came home early and has said he will leave after dinner. I'm in the kitchen putting dinner on now. Thank you everyone for your replies, I'm taking what has been said to me very seriously. I was on the phone to my sister since he got back, she keeps asking me what is wrong because I'm not usually a long phone call person. I told her to please call me back at 8. She was questioning but said she is going to call me. She has text me and I have started to tell her but it's difficult. I found it much easier on here because no one knows me. I might just send her the link to this post. I will respond better when I can

Absolutely send her the link to this post, do it now.

Sazza26xx · 27/07/2023 18:25

No don't stand there cooking his dinner, he strangled you LEAVE the house xxx

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 18:25

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:24

@Lavennder we're begging you to flee the house, sweetheart.

Grab baby and get out. We're all with you. You're not safe there.

You've still got time before he comes home. Come on darling, you can do it. You must.

Too late. He came home early (no surprise there either). So now we all wait and worry until the OP updates again.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 18:26

Oh OP I feel desperate to get you out of that house. You and baby need to get to safety, NOW