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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
PipMumsnet · 27/07/2023 17:13

Hello OP,

We're so very sorry to hear you're going through this.

We see that you are getting some wonderful support on here already and understand that you have been in contact with Womens Aid. But we hope you don't mind, when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

HanSB · 27/07/2023 17:15

You absolutely need to report this to the police. He’s trying to blame you when it was self- defense. He could have killed you. He might well kill you the next time. There will definitely be a next time unless you report this and cut all contact with this man. Keep yourself and your daughter safe. He might not physically hurt her but imagine the mental issues she will be left with. Seriously, think if he kills you what will happen to her. Can you get someone to help you get him out the house? If it’s your tenancy then he doesn’t have a right to stay. Ask the police for help, that you are scared of his reaction. Be kind to yourself but stay strong to get out of this situation. Take care, wishing you well

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 17:17

so I'm going to text him and ask him if he's definitely leaving tonight, if he says no then I'm going to a hotel tonight and I will call 101 to see if I can get him removed.

He’s not going to tell you the truth.

You know he’s a liar by all of the things he said to you about what you did, which weren’t true.
He’s also said he’s going up lie to the police.

He is not to be trusted.

JaneAustenshandbag · 27/07/2023 17:17

OP you will get legal aid in family court proceedings if there’s evidence of abuse. It’s very much in your best interests to report this to the police asap.

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 17:20

Forget about the house - all of that can be sorted later. Just get your baby and yourself out of there, to somewhere safe. Do it now, IMMEDIATELY - don't delay. Wouldn't put it past the fucker to come back early to wrongfoot you.

It cannot be emphasised enough the grave danger you are in! Please contact someone who loves you to get support! xx

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/07/2023 17:20

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 16:38

I'm waiting on my laptop at the moment. Their live chat is busy and wait time is 25 minutes, but I'm refreshing. I'm going to ask my dr to see me instead of me going to A&E. If they won't I'm going to head to A&E. My focus right now is to get him out of my home, so I'm going to text him and ask him if he's definitely leaving tonight, if he says no then I'm going to a hotel tonight and I will call 101 to see if I can get him removed. He says he is entitled to 30 days but I will see what they will say. I'm considering calling the health visitor but I feel very anxious. He has a lot more money than me, he probably has access to around 250,000, and I have at best just under 2,000, I'm scared to go to child arrangements court. It is my anxiety around what he could do holding me back from wanting to do anything. I'm hoping when I get the antidepressants prescription it takes away some of my anxiety and I will feel more brave. I spoke to the gp and she gave me some helpful advice

He's not entitled to 30 days. Been there, done that and can confirm the police will remove him with immediate effect. With the added bonus that their attendance is evidence if he tries to get custody.

As others have said, contact the police. Their involvement will protect you now and also further down the line.

DarkDarkNight · 27/07/2023 17:20

He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho.

I’m so sorry that you have been through that.

I’m glad your waiting for WA, but please also consider the police or pharmacist like someone has mentioned.

This man is dangerous, it sounds like he totally lost control and is capable of much worse next time. The words from your OP that I have copied above show he knows he is in trouble and is doing anything to gaslight and manipulate you into submission, to minimise what he has done and turn it around on you.

chipshopElvis · 27/07/2023 17:22

Please go to A and E lovely and get checked over. Please tell them exactly what happened, as you have here. You've done nothing wrong at all, please get away from that man he's dangerous. Don't wait.

PostOpOp · 27/07/2023 17:24

Adding to the chorus: please leave NOW.
*Don't wait for WA.
LEAVE NOW.
*
Don't worry about him taking you to court, or the house: you need to be safe first and you're not safe - and neither is DD.

Go to the police station. You can speak to the GP from there. You can get to the hospital from there if need be.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 27/07/2023 17:26

@Lavennder you are doing brilliantly - I know this is a terrifying time for you. The fear of what he will do when the police get involved is a really common one (I know from personal experience) and the police know this, too.

You can ask the police to be present - or waiting nearby - while you tell him to leave. They will make sure your safe.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-violence-protection-orders/

This is the where you can get a free emergency restraining order. I've used them, they are brilliant and will talk you through every step - make sure you ask for powers of arrest to be attached to it, which means if he breaks the order the police are able to arrest & remove him.

I'm sure there will be points during this process where you get scared and worry about the consequences your brain dreams up for taking out a restraining order - share them with the NCDV every time and they will explain and reassure you. I know from experience, they're right in they're reassurances.

domestic violence protection

Domestic Violence Protection Orders · Information Guide · NCDV

The legal system provides a variety of measures to provide domestic violence protection, avoiding further abuse, including the threat of more violence.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-violence-protection-orders

Whiskeypowers · 27/07/2023 17:28

It’s such an abuser’s cliche to trot the it - the “you know YOU attacked me that’s the truth”

why didn’t they go to the police or access support then? Because it’s a load of shit and they are enjoying making the mother of their child’s life hell.
trying to make me out to be the psychotic one did my actually psychotic ex no good whatsoever and backfired spectacularly

Photographs, texts can be used in family court police call outs etc obtained via disclosure court orders / solicitor applications as well as medical records.

they all add up.

due to domestic violence you will qualify for legal aid if you are unemployed and have less than a certain amount of savings.

Keep posting for support and you really must get away from him safely asap.
one of the most dangerous times in this sort of situation is when you try to leave your abuser. I had to plan it secretly and quickly leaving everything behind that didn’t fit in my car. But we were safe.

you can do this

ImNotReallySpartacus · 27/07/2023 17:28

Azandme · 27/07/2023 16:57

I appreciate that you're feeling scared to do anything because of what he has said will come next.

But the real risk to you and dd is if you don't do something.

Two women a week are killed by their partner/ex every week in the UK.

Strangulation is a huge risk indicator. You need to call the police now - you could be dead by 7.02pm. I know it sounds dramatic, but it was a fact for two women last week, and every week before.

Call the police and make sure they know he did all this with dd in the house.

Be brave op, you and dd need you to be.

You can absolutely do this.

I second this. Non-fatal strangulation was recently made a specific offence because it is the abuser's way of saying 'I could very easily kill you if I wanted to' and sometimes he goes on to do precisely that.

PepperBloom · 27/07/2023 17:31

I helped my friend Jane out who had to contact the police after a similar situation. Here’s what happened (these are all false names).

I met up with Jane and she didn’t seem okay. After a long time hanging out she disclosed she has been assaulted. I said she never had to spend another night in the house with that person, and I would help her any way.

She needed to get the ex out of her house. It was her tenancy. First of all Jane and her baby went back to my house - a safe place and address that her ex doesn’t know. We arrange for our friend to look after Jane’s baby.

We called a couple of male friends to help us - people who were not aggressive types. We called the Police for support. They offered to come, we said we’d try it without them. They said they be on standby.

Me, her and her friend went to the house together. We went in calmly and got her and her babies stuff. Her ex was there but he was calm in front of others.

She stayed at my house for a few days and we worked with the police to

  1. make a police report of the assault
  2. make sure he had left the house, the police helped with this
  3. make sure it was clear to him that if he came back to the house he would be arrested

My friend Jane had no proof of the assault other than her own words. The police were very supportive. The ex was made to leave and he didn’t come back.

Not all situations go like this.

The best way to get yourself into a better situation is to contact the police and ask or advice and support.

When a man towers over a woman, shouts at her, assaults her, the police know what to do. They won’t stand by this behaviour, with or without proof.

You have the right to feel safe and you can ask anyone to leave your house regardless of what they have done. If someone does not respect these, the police will support you.

You will be looked after.

You can go to the police station with your child, or you can call them up on 999 or 101.

The police are highly trained in abuse towards women and they will want to do everything they can to keep you and your child safe.

Sending strength to you sister ❤️

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 17:31

We're all with you, sweetheart.

Can you get a taxi to A&E? Or a taxi to the GP?

I'm worried about you, that you're waiting at home for the web chat and for the return call from the GP. This is time you don't have, my love.

Strangulation indicates he is a highly dangerous man who may well kill. That could be you he hurts or kills, and/or your baby.

Please get yourself out of the house, OP. Everything else can and will be sorted later.

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 17:32

ImNotReallySpartacus · 27/07/2023 17:28

I second this. Non-fatal strangulation was recently made a specific offence because it is the abuser's way of saying 'I could very easily kill you if I wanted to' and sometimes he goes on to do precisely that.

I agree.

When a man puts his hands or body on your neck he is showing you that he can kill you.

A punch is awful and should never be tolerated but when someone hates you so much that they are showing you that they want you dead, you know your life is in danger and there is absolutely no going back or forgiving him.

Tilllly · 27/07/2023 17:36

@Lavennder
Did you get to see your doctor?

Therealjudgejudy · 27/07/2023 17:36

You really need to report him

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 27/07/2023 17:37

Please, please please don't wait, don't believe anything he tells you. Get you and your daughter to a safe place and call the police. A and E or GP surgery would be a good call?

Nazzywish · 27/07/2023 17:39

Don't even pack your bag. Get her and go to the police now. Or get safe and call them Now. If you don't you'll risk greater harm to dd and yourself. His version of events won't hold he's trying to scare you into silence and knows your scared enough to believe it. It won't hold OP but you need to get safe and get this evidenced ASAP like yesterday for your account to hold . GO

Marleymoo42 · 27/07/2023 17:42

Hope you've spoken to your GP. My experience is that antidepressants will take a while to work but you will get there. You need to focus on the present situation which is him in your house abusing you and refusing to leave. You don't have to give him notice, he is not your tenant. He is playing games with you, making you out to be an abuser, pretending he's about to leave and then not. I would honestly get the polices advice with this.

Back up all your photos. I would send them to a trusted friend. This will ensure that someone knows your situation and will encourage you to get help when it's hard to.

You do not have to have an abuser in your house!

You are not a bad mum. Your child will be fine as long as you get yourself away from this man.

Winter2020 · 27/07/2023 17:45

Hi OP,
If your partner hadn't left yet I urge you to register for the text service and ask the police for a welfare check tonight to check your partner left peacefully. You don't need to give him notice when he is intimidating and assaulting you. Stay safe. Contact the police just to be sure. If the police come and he has gone talk through your worries and ask their advice. I expect they can register your home and phone number for a quick response.

CindersAgain · 27/07/2023 17:47

If he isn’t mentioned on the tenancy agreement, he has no rights at all. Ignore the 30 day thing he’s saying.

FictionalCharacter · 27/07/2023 17:48

This. And stop calling yourself an awful mum.

wendyjoy · 27/07/2023 17:49

Call woman's aid.. they will help with everything.. the Police etc.. show the police what you have wrote here and the photos.
He needs arresting and an order put on him so he cannot contact you or come near you.. antidepressants are not a quick fix and take on average 3 weeks to work.
You are a fantastic Mum.. he's the psychopath.. please call womens aid or the police now.
Or domestic abuse helpline.
Google

medianewbie · 27/07/2023 17:49

Begonne · 27/07/2023 17:09

Right now it probably feels incredibly overwhelming to even step outside the front door. But if you can do that - just pick up your dc, open the door, and step outside - the rest will kick in.

It’s literally ONE STEP that you need to take.

You don’t need a plan, - just walk outside your house and then keep going.

Do it now, for your baby.

Agreed. You need to get out of there.
This man is dangerous. He's a liar too.
You won't get anything you can rely on from him tonight. Get out, get safe. Then you can get him out later. Go now

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