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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
LT1982 · 28/07/2023 20:17

Also just to add there are strict criteria for legal aid in family matters, domestic violence is one of them so reporting the assault will also help with that

WedRine · 28/07/2023 20:39

@Jux is spot on regarding court.
Family Court is not criminal court. Cafcass will simply look at the concrete evidence and make a judgement. Your photos will not be enough because you can't prove he did them and it's not this court's job to prove he's abusive. On top of that, you lived with him for 5 days after the assault. None of this is your fault and you've done great but the court tries to give the child access to both parents. When I left exH, I gave him contact outside, supervised as advised by social services. As I had no police report (because I felt guilty) and because I had allowed access after the incident, the court deemed him fit for regular unsupervised contact including overnights and overseas hholidays. And guess what? 4 years on of playing Disney dad, she's his next target because she's stubborn and he can't control her. So now I'm watching it happen to my baby, whilst he denies it and social services takes his side and the court upholds their original contact order.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 28/07/2023 22:17

The gp did say that I needed to go the police too and I went to call 101 and I just felt so anxious. He is very adamant that I will be in trouble for the scratches and he does have the nail marks on his leg and a couple on his body area. He has more money than me and I know he would pour money into a custody battle that I don't have. He has said that he will only call the police on me and take me to court for custody if I go to the police over this. He said if I don't then we will come to an agreement between us.

Im so sorry you are having to go through this @Lavennder

It really is OK to call police, tell them what happened and that you contacted your sister and Dad , GP and women’s aid. Please seek police assistance and show them this thread and please don’t worry about the threats from the x partner ;

as others have said, the police are well trained to see through your ex partner’s lies and manipulative tactics. Please don’t allow x DP to scare you from reporting You are entirely right to report the assault and continue to seek support to protect yourself and your DD

Keep going, you are doing amazing work!
-and it really is hard work -
after the traumatic physical and verbal abuse you will understandably feel uncertain, and frankly shit scared , about next steps

Some lovely MNers commenting on here,

I couldn’t say it any better than @blotchyredanditichy

blotchyredanditichy · Today 12:34
I am blown away by your courage OP!!! Well done for taking back control from this horrible man. We are all standing alongside you and behind you so draw on that when you need do.

Begonne · 28/07/2023 22:23

This is a very hard time for you - emotions that have been suppressed for the last five days will come flooding to the surface, and it must feel like a roller coaster.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you might not have a lot of RL support, or friends. And maybe your family aren’t the type to rally round.

We all tend to seek comfort in what we know, and the loneliness, fear and confusion can leave you so vulnerable to falling back into the relationship you’re trying to leave.

Don’t be afraid to keep posting here, even if you haven’t managed to get to the police it A&E yet. People are advising those things because we can see the steps clearly, but we also understand how vulnerable you are and how overwhelmingly hard this is.

This is your thread - your place to work out your feelings and fears. I’m not pressuring you for updates - just reminding you that there’s immense support and wisdom waiting here for you.

VerityUnreasonble · 28/07/2023 22:29

If you don't feel able to pick up the phone to the police Lavender, maybe it would be easier to report online?

I'm not sure exactly where you are so I can't link your local police force but if you google your area and report domestic abuse you should find an option like this from the met police:

www.met.police.uk/ro/report/domestic-abuse/a1/report-domestic-abuse/

You can fill in a form and they get back to you in the way you ask them to.

I know it's really hard, I've been there. But it will protect you and DC and open up other avenues of support, things like getting a marker on your address so they could respond quickly if he ever came back, the possibility of legal aid if you needed it. If someone had done this to your DC you wouldn't hesitate to contact the police, please value yourself at least almost as much. Because you are valuable.

Lavennder · 28/07/2023 23:50

I haven’t been at my best today. I started off feeling better but just ended up really ruminating on what happened really started to weigh me down and I just buried my head in the sand. I felt like I couldn’t comment on here or reply to my family because I know that I’m being stupid having not spoke to the police yet and I’m frustrated and let down by myself. I feel better now he’s gone but the not going out and not really seeing anyone has caught up on me and I do feel very alone.
Gp said they don’t feel that I need to be checked over as she said my chest pain and headache is most likely stress. And today I have felt physically much better. My headache is gone and my chest pain has lessened.
Ive been reading about what being exposed to dv can do to children and that is keeping me so strong. Not that I could forgive him anyway but I would never forgive myself if I had enabled her to be impacted by this.
The only thing stopping me with the police is I don’t want the repercussions. I’m close to asking my dad to report it for me because then if he confronted me I could deny responsibility. My minds a mess right now. Thank you for staying with me in this thread. I have read the replies a couple times and it really has helped me. I ordered a few things for my home, chain for back door and stuff that someone mentioned on here and a ring doorbell.
I’m going to force myself out of my front door tomorrow.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 28/07/2023 23:55

I'm sorry you're feeling so low @Lavennder. You've done so well. Please hang in there. Things will get better. You have the support of all of us here.

But please you need to report him. Why don't you do it online? You can literally take your original post that you wrote starting this thread and copy and paste that into your report. The police will contact you. They can come to you at home if that is easier.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 29/07/2023 00:46

💐
Be kind to yourself and do something simple but lovely for yourself and Dd tomorrow- whatever makes you feel good.

You are dealing with considerable stress is understandable that you are not feeling up to things today.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 29/07/2023 01:05

Reposting* link from VerityUnreasonble* · Yesterday 22:29

www.met.police.uk/ro/report/domestic-abuse/a1/report-domestic-abuse/

copy the link to this thread and report tonight or first thing tomorrow

take one thing at a time afterwards.

Tell police you are feeling frightened of repercussions from exp Each day will get better with support from police, women’s aid , gp and keep reaching out to your family on here with MN whenever you need

MrsMigginsesPieShop · 29/07/2023 01:06

Please don't beat yourself up, lavennder, you've been and continue to be so brave. You can only do what you can do. You've achieved so much today. If you can't go to the police just now, it doesn't diminish what you've accomplished already. I didnt report my husband to the police, and i still got the residence order and the interdicts in place. I spoke to womens aid who have arranged for the police to put a marker on my house, so that the police will attend as soon as i call them, you can make the police aware without making a formal report (again, am in scotland, so it might be different where you are). Did you manage to contact a solicitor and get some advice? I would do this ASAP, as it gives you another layer of protection, and puts another barrier between you and him. Once you have a solicitor, all contact can be conducted through them, he has no reason whatsoever to contact you.

You are extraordinary, do not forget how powerful you are. You are more powerful than him by far, and you are going to win this xxxxxxxx

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 29/07/2023 01:12

If you’re not feeling strong to report to police for your sake, do it for your Dd.

The risk is too great, that XP could do the same again - to you or her

Sugarsweet987 · 29/07/2023 01:52

I am going to talk to you like you are a friend of mine as I couldn’t read this and not respond.

Hun, his behavior is unacceptable no Matt the situation!
Your man is violent and dangerous!
you have a child to think about and this man is not for you.
get out of this situation, call women’s aid, pack a bag for you and your child and get out of there NOW!
I know you are scared but your child needs you. How would you feel if your child got with a partner who did the same thing to them. What would you say?
this man has the potential to kill you and your child has only you. They are the reason why you are surviving.
This is not your fault, you are being manipulated and gaslighted. You do not deserve this!
If this so called relationship continues and the violence- you are at a huge risk of losing your child due to the fact that you cannot protect your child safe from harm.

you need to get as far away from this individual as possible.

Brightandshining · 29/07/2023 01:57

Please please please report this to the police. They will not believe him. They can tell defensive wounds. Ask yourself how tf someone would scratch someone's leg if they weren't being attacked?

I am a domestic violence survivor myself and I punched my ex in self defence and I was so worried about going to the police because as I ran away he was hitting himself round the face with a shoe too..
But my friend convinced me to call the police and they did not question me at all in fact a lovely police woman sat with me and told me it wasn't my fault. She pointed out the wounds on my body and neck and how they clearly indicated that I'd been violently attacked. She said many women do not just lie still as they are being attacked and do inflict defensive wound on their attackers.. she also said so many men will try and claim its they who have been attacked but the police see these situations over and over and can tell from the nature of the wounds who has attacked who and who has been trying to defend themselves

nalabae · 29/07/2023 02:18

Omg he is scary manipulative have you left

tattygrl · 29/07/2023 04:42

Hello @Lavennder <3

You need never feel ashamed or embarrassed with us, we are here with you no matter what.

In terms of repercussions, well, those things haven't happened yet. Don't let the theoretical potential things that could happen get in the way of the here and now, and doing what needs to be done based on what has happened.

If he isn't at your home with you, and you don't speak to him on the phone, how can he confront you? You will have the police, your family, your friends and us on your side and standing with you. You do need to report him for the sake of yourself, your daughter and any future women he might become involved with.

You can do it, OP. You can do it scared. You don't have to do it perfectly. You just need to tell them, in any way that you can.

LT1982 · 29/07/2023 06:23

Most police forces also have social media eg twitter or facebook too if that is less intimidating than saying it out loud on the phone

BodgerBadgerMashup · 29/07/2023 07:23

If you want to stand a chance of protecting your daughter in family court when he's pushing for unsupervised contact maybe even 50/50 you NEED to report to police right now. And go to hospital and get a chest x Ray if offered you may have broken ribs. You WILL NEED this evidence. I can't reiterate that enough.

WedRine · 29/07/2023 07:29

You don't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed, OP. This is hard and you are being so strong and doing such a great job. Please don't be scared of what he can do, get angry of what he has done.

Begonne · 29/07/2023 07:55

Morning @Lavennder

Well done on yesterday - you’re keeping it together for your little one, and hanging in there.

I think asking your dad to report is a great idea.

As for getting out of the house, this might sound silly, but a trip to a&e might be a good idea. You could get a taxi there, and hospitals have their own security so you’ll be able to relax and feel safe. Bring some toys and snacks for dd and it will feel like a great outing for her! I know the gp said there was no need, but it gives you another layer of paperwork should you need it. And it’s a structured, safe activity that might help break the mental prison bars that are holding you in. Have a cup of coffee and a treat before you leave.

You are doing so well - your spirit of endurance and survival is incredible. These are dark times, so let your dd be the light that guides you through. You can do this. Right now it’s about putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping on keeping on. You’ve got this.

FlamingoQueen · 29/07/2023 08:11

Think of it this way, if you report him to the police you are helping to future proof any claims he make make. Eg. If you end up in court re child arrangements and you say he assaulted you but didn’t go to the police, he will turn around and say you were making it up or ‘it wasn’t that bad’ because you didn’t feel the need to report it.
I don’t want you to have to defend yourself like this in the future. Any worries about him hurting dc will mean nothing because you didn’t feel strongly enough to report him to the police.
You are doing so well and have come so far, please don’t make it easy for him to affect your future life. You are strong!

Mix56 · 29/07/2023 08:40

I think you have been seriously traumatises by his attack, you were already in a domestic abusive situation, your self esteem will have taken a hit & your confidence nil.
I am guessing his attack has caused you severe shock & you are terrified he may do it again if he learns you reported him.
Not being able to go out could be PTSD.
I guess you will have to go out to the shops at some point so could you go & stay with your Sister for the w/e to avoid being in when he comes knocking ?

Tilllly · 29/07/2023 09:18

@Lavennder
How are you this morning?

Try to get outside today, even if it's only down the street and back

You're doing amazingly well in such a short time 💪🏻

We're all beside you

CoffeeLover90 · 29/07/2023 09:47

Massive well done so far but Please, please report to the police! Don't let him get away with this. I promise they'll see through his lies.
I had headbutted me ex when he was pinning me down once, told the police officer because he had a mark, I didn't.
They didn't even care. You are within your right to try and defend yourself when being strangled. Would you feel bad about reporting this if it had been someone on the street? He's scum, that's all and he deserves everything that's coming to him.
Please try and get someone to be with you if you want to go out but still feel anxious.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 29/07/2023 10:14

@Lavennder darling, you are NOT stupid, nor are you failing or letting yourself - or anyone else - down. Trust me. This process is hard and your body and mind are programmed to take the actions that they feel will keep you the most safe.

None of that means you are failing, I promise. The only person who has screwed up here is him - you are simply trying to deal with the consequences.

Taking out a free emergency restraining order might feel easier for you?
Often, the lawyers are asked by the women what will happen what the man finds out. Their answer is that often the man, when confronted with his actions in factual language, says 'oh OK yes, I did do that' and goes along with it. I was astonished to find that my own experience with them played out just like this. And he doesn't need to know until the last minute.

www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-violence-protection-orders/

Why don't you give them a call and have a chat? At least then there's a legal record of what has happened and protections for you and your child. Don't forget to ask that powers of arrest be attached to the order and that it doesnt include details of your address and number.

Just take things in your own time. You're getting lots of advice here and it takes enormous strength to process it and choose what to act on, especially when dealing with fight of flight.

You are doing brilliantly.

mumda · 29/07/2023 11:02

"The only thing stopping me with the police is I don’t want the repercussions."

You will have more repercussions without police involvement. They can prioritise your address if they know.

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