dp assaulted me... detail heavy

[Lavennder]

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

Please try your very best to call and report this to the police. Remember he not only removed your phone to prevent you calling for their help at the time he then gaslit you by saying he would call the police to report you.

That was designed to make you scared of calling the police and reporting him. So far that bastard is winning that one. Calling the police is the safest and best way to protect both yourself and more importantly your little girl

It is absolutely okay to show them what you have posted here. When my DD was caught up in an abusive rental she could not talk so typed on her phone to show the people helping her. Even doing that took all her courage but becuase she did I know they will do their best to listen even if you find it hard to speak.

As others have said strangling you in ANY form will be taken very seriously, VERY seriously. I suspect he is messaging you about the weekend because he thinks you are too scared to tell the police about what he did and has got away with an attack with murderous intent and to remind you he could come back anytime. That is nothing more than an attempt to control you from calling the police about his criminal attack on you.

Social services may need to be involved but this will be to provide you and your child with support and ensure your child is safe from harm from a father who thinks it’s okay to treat you both as just his property to do with as he wants.

You have been so brave so far. I hope you may you find the scrap of courage to call the police about what he has done today.

Massive well done to you
Put his messages on mute so they don't make you anxious but you still have them for evidence
One step at a time Women's aid may help you with the police
They may know an easier way to report him
I understand that it must feel final somehow but it does need to happen
Legal advice will help take the weight of your shoulders
Another reason to report is that you will get legal aid for DV
Take all the support your offered
You really have moved mountains in the last couple of days.
Thinking of you and your DC

The biggest thing you have done is tell your family and break the secrecy. He knows they know l, and he knows they know what he did and is capable of. So that will be a huge protective factor for you know as he knows if anything happens he’ll have so much evidence against him and people wil have no trouble reporting him or laying it out to the police.

Your plans to move and everything sound so so great and you’ve done so well and huge steps, even though there is lots left to do, the things you have already done will protect you and your family.

you’ll now be looking back and realise everything that was not normal and it will keep hitting it. But write it all down so you have it for future use, or for when he’s trying to get you back or to work through with a therapist in the future.

OP, you are a great woman.

My concern is that he could try to stop you leaving the area, so that is why legal advice is good.

You have good reason to flee and getting legal advice about doing it.

The police would be a great help here.

Like everyone else, the absolute seriousness of choking you is so enormous, it cannot be overstated.

He has definite capacity to do you permanent harm.

Don't allow yourself to be taken from your child.

Please give the police the chance to protect you by telling them what he did.

if you do nothing else today, please speak to the police. This will help you further down the line, honestly i know you’re worried about this its really really important!

id mute his texts/calls atm. Give yourself space. Keep all doors locked/keys in for the moment. You need some head space.

if you go back to him and the abuse continues (because it will), SS will take your child from you. Let that be your motivation here. Onwards and upwards 🙌

It cost me £15, 000 to fight my prohibitive steps order and that was only because I had family (a support network) and a well-paid job lined up with onsite childcare for DD, and evidence that I didn't have enough money to sustain a life in London (I had eviction notices for not paying my rent for 7 months). My barrister told me if I'd moved and got settled (job and childcare) before he'd gone to his solicitor, they would never have upheld the PSO.

Please have the strength the go to the police. Listen to the women who are telling you he will try to make you pay through the courts and listen to us telling you that pressing charges is going to help your case immensely.

Please report this to the police. If you do not and X months down the line he is fighting you for custody (or whatever they call it now) you will kick yourself for not having done it. Please just do it.

Also remember he admitted what he did to your father.

So your father is a witness.

Be brave again.

It will save you so much in the long term to involve the police while you can.

You will get free legal aid I believe, which is of such a help.

I know its hard to think straight but it will make all the difference if you do.

Go to the police with your father if you can.

He witnessed your ex admitting to assaulting you.

Please report and tell everything
You dont need to arrange contact
Let him go to court
But you do need to tell everything so is on record and tell gp exactly who assaulted you

If you don’t @Lavennder, he will try and use the lack of police report against you in any legal proceedings, it really is crucial to have that on record.

Very nicely put.

Ask him to limit contact to email, and block his number. I have a horrible feeling, he is not going to go quietly. Please take all the precautions you can. Please - call the police today because you need this at least on the record. Get it done before the weekend. Can't be scarier to deal with them than confront him x

@Lavennder what is it about phoning the police that frightens you?

It helps to name the fear - identify it and then you can deal with it.

We can also reassure.

OP. You are such a brave woman.
Call the Police & get it on record.
He will try to keep control.
He's still dangerous.
The Police can stop him.
Print out your 1st post.
Walk into station (if you can?) & slide it across the Reception desk.
Or call. Or text / chat. Any Way you can.
But do it. For you. For your Dc.
I've been thinking of you all day.

If you don't want to leave the house then have a window open and sit by it with a cup of tea or something for some fresh air

@Lavennder I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to leave the house.

You've been traumatised and home is 'safe'. I was prescribed a small does diazepam to help me cope with the anxiety of going outside, I still occasionally have to take one. I also find betablockers very helpful.

Did you tell your GP how you felt about not leaving the house?

I also know from experience how scary it is thinking about talking to the police but you will find they are very supportive and caring. Perhaps your sister would come round while they were there for support?

A fresh start down south sounds lovely! I would suggest not telling him any plans and just go. He may fight it after the fact but it is what is in the child's best interests, not his.

In case you are still worried he will try to turn it on you, he really won't get anywhere. As someone mentioned, what would he say? That you attacked him by rugby tackling him with your nails? Or you were crawling around the floor scratching at his legs? Your Dad is also a witness that he said he grabbed you 'pre empting' what you may do.

He also filmed you in distress instead of removing his daughter from the situation, which he would have done if he was as worried about her as he was pretending. The filming is very common and also shows how pre-mediated his actions were. I mean, what could any normal person think would be the benefit of that? Why was that the first thing he thought of instead of defusing the situation? Even you going to the GP is proof how much his assault has affected you while he's just been going to work as normal.

You will be believed. It won't be as scary as you think, they will put you at ease, you will tell them what's happened and then they will take it from there.

You can explain over the phone how anxious you are feeling, they will understand and come to your home. You don't have to go the police station.

Also speak to victim support. You do not need to have reported a crime to receive support from them.

You can do this xx

Re calling the police, it really is essential in order to set yourself free and get closer to safety, my love.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do it scared. The fear is real, but the fear can't hurt you. He can.

You're doing really well.
But ring the police. Please. It's another step on the road to freedom.

You are amazing

Tell yourself that phoning the police will prevent him from molesting you again & potentially killing you, & be left the only parent caring, or not, for your DD.
Tell them you are too scared to leave the house.
Ask your sister or ideally, dad, to go with you

I know I won't be the only one checking in, OP. That's not to add pressure at all, but to keep reminding you how cared about you are!

I hope you have had a safe and productive day. You have done really well to tell your family, and get him out of the house. He is trying to manipulate you. Stay strong. And do try to think if anything could help you cope with going to the police.

If his threats to take your child do not work, he will start love-bombing you or he'll develop a serious but mystery illness which will guilt trip you into letting him back in. In fact, he'll try ANYTHING toget you back in your box and his feet back under your table with you being an obedient and unquestioning good little girl who is now a scared little girl too, so even more obedient.

Please don't be taken in. It's all tosh.

Look, we know it's really, really hard, we know he's got you so traumatised at the thought of reporting to the police. We know, we do understand, and we do sympathise and empathise with your fear. But this is another time where you have to pick up your courage in both hands and just do it.

Those who've saidyou'll regret it down the line if you don't are so right. The Court in a custody case will look for contemporaneous official reports of his abuse and if they're nor there, they won't take it into account and will treat him as if he's a normal decent bloke who'll be co-operative with you; and you KNOW he won't be. He'll use whatever type of custody he'sgranted to continue to fuck up your life.

So pick up that phone and ring that number. Then speak, or if you can't bear to, text or email or message/whatever, but do it. You can, you know. You've done brilliantly, and you can do this.

The person who answers the phone will have been trained. They will know how hard it is to make this call and how scared you are. They'll also know how brave you are!
You've got an army of Mumsnetters at your back / in your cornet/ however you want to picture us. Hang on to that image and pick up the phone. If it helps, imagine that you are one of us doing it for you..
And please consider the Freedom Programme when you've got some headspace

If you want to imagine us in a cornet it might make you laugh, but I mean corner, obviously!

No pressure. Just still here for you that’s all. X