dp assaulted me... detail heavy

[Lavennder]

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

Well done so far but Please do the exact above suggested by Dibbydoos . Hes extremely dangerous. Ring Women’s Aid they will help you .

Well done! You're amazing.

Please tell us how you get on with the police today.

If I were you I'd consider moving. It wouldn't feel like home now anyway, but I also wouldn't want him to know where I was xx

You have done amazing to speak up and tell your family, that is not easy. I would suggest you change your locks for safety. Good luck speaking to the police today, it won't be easy but you deserve to be heard and protected.

You are so strong, well done. Re, your alarm code, I googled YouTube videos how to change code on (make here) alarm panel. I changed mine from YouTube. Hope you get on ok today x

You have been amazing you wonderful woman. I would say he is a manipulator and has been emotionally abusing and gaslighting you for years. Judging by his behaviour. I would be very glad to be wrong about this.

You have shown such strength advocating for yourself and DD. Stay strong. Contact police today and don't believe that he will ever change. Your lives are at stake no matter how he begs, pleads, threatens or cries crocodile tears. We are all rooting for you. X

I’m genuinely so pleased for you. I know this feels awful, but you’re going to get through it and be very glad for the choices you made last night. Your dad and sister sounds awesome.

Please please go to the police and GP today. This is really important. And get your locks changed.

it’s so damn good to see you taking these steps. Well done for keeping yourself and little one safe.

Something that might help you with going to the police (as I know you'll have a wobble over it and likely think it isn't worth doing) is to think that you're protecting other women, and also showing your child one day that this is NOT acceptable behaviour. He could've killed you. If not you, then the next person. You are so strong and you CAN do this xxx

Morning OP,

How are you today? Did you manage to sleep?

You are amazing OP!

Your op was one of the most chilling things I’ve read on MN.

Sometimes abusers snap, lose control and then are filled with remorse. He violently attacked you, cynically involved your dc, goaded you so he could film your distress, psychologically tortured you for 5 days. And only when he had failed to convince your own dad that you were the abuser, did he turn on the waterworks.

Guilt is a terrible feeling but I want to share something a wise friend once told me - guilt is dangerous. It distracts you from what you should be thinking/feeling and doing. She was very religious and called it the devil’s distraction but her point was that we either learn, make amends or do better - but guilt is useless and achieves nothing but to paralyse us.

The emotion that is going to help you most is anger - that’s where you’ll find clarity and power.

You broke through the most intense fear and paralysis last night. Some day you will look back on that moment with awe.

Lavendder, you must report this to the police, get it on record. It eill be ESSENTIAL, is he fights for 50/50 child contact.
It sounds like he has enough money to oay people fir this to be possible.
You need your agression to be down as an assault.
You CAN find the strength, it will free you if the guilt & shame ( unwarranted)
You need to be heard,
Of couse you fought back FGS, he had your head pushed into the floor.
Call the DV number, I think they will come & see you, you can get a non-mol if you are scared he will barge in.
Please do this, as I said upthread, protecting yourself is protecting your DD

Get your Dad to fit a safety chain on the back door

Good morning @Lavennder , I hope you managed some rest. We're all with you still, today might be challenging but take it one step at a time. You're surrounded by love and support. Try and treat yourself so kindly and gently today while you do what needs to be done 🩷

Please know that we haven't gone. We are still here with you today. I know that faced with what needs to be done probably feels overwhelming and you wish you could just put it all off.

You've done the worst part and now it's so important to get this reported. Remember he is expecting to come back and "make it work" between you two.

Once he realises that you are not going to give into him he is going to be very angry and want to hurt or blackmail you again.

You can do this. Your family know now and they are there for you I am sure.

Assuming you are doing this to keep someone out (haven't read all posts) then put it in but turn it just slightly so there is no chance it can be pushed out from the other side

Thinking of you this morning- hope you’re ok? Please call the police asap. We’re all behind you. Ask your sister/Dad to be with you over the next few days.

Glad to read your updates that he is gone and did not hurt you again.

Your dad sounds great. Please DO go ahead and report all this to the police.

Please do NOT, EVER, believe this man's lies and manipulation. If you let him back in he WILL hurt you and control you again. All the more because then he will know that there are no consequences for his actions and you will take him back. I have seen this sort of thing before. WHATEVER he says, does, HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN if you don't build on the start you have now made. Br strong for you daughter, and for yourself. Lean on your dad, follow his advice.

What will your dad say if, after his efforts and restraint in facing this thug and doing his best to protect you and keep you safe, you throw all that back in his face and forgive the man who abuses and almost killed you and then blames his abuse on you? He will rightly despair.

You have been VERY brave and need to keep going with it. This man must not be in your life. He can see his DD at a contact centre.

And what happens when your DD is old enough to snap back at him, choose to "stand in the wrong place" or sit in "his" chair or on "his" side of the bed? Do you think he will put up with that? Your DD will receive the same treatment that you have.

I am not a professional, but I do agree with others who are not sure that you are depressed - I think your spirit has been crushed by an abusive man, and that process started long before he actually put his hands around your neck. But do speak to your GP - they can probably help in any case (and it would also create a record of you needing to seek help).

I don't want to patronise you or sound like a lecturer - but I am going to say it again, just to be absolutely clear:

IF YOU FORGIVE THIS MAN AND LET HIM BACK IN HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN.

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY THAT, ONE DAY, WHATEVER HE SAYS AND HOWEVER "SORRY" HE IS HE WILL KILL OR PERMANENTLY DISABLE YOU.

He has crossed a line, don't pull him back over it to you. Listen to your dad - he really DOES love you.

Every good wish to you. x

Well done for posting this thread OP.

Very well done. You should be proud of yourself for pulling yourself together to do that in the aftermath of this violent crime inflicted on you in such a devastating way.

We are all proud of you.

I'm so glad he's gone.
He feels, and rightly so, that he's lost control of you and he'll promise the earth to get that control back.
And should that happen he will be prepared to do much, much worse to keep it.
And your DD - think of the example your staying with him would give her.
Show her how a strong woman behaves, because you ARE a strong woman.
You are woman - HEAR YOU ROAR!!!!

Well done @Lavennder I'm so pleased that you got support yesterday and that he left. I think your dad is right sadly and it doesn't sound like your ex is going to go quietly. Please go to the police. We'll back you all the way, and can keep posting for as long as you need. Are you going to try Women's Aid today? You'll probably have all sorts of conflicting feelings for ages. Just look at your little girl though. She doesn't need him, she needs you. (And I say this as someone whose mum got on a train with me and my sister when I was 6 and never went back to the person who was abusive to her).

Loads of love, darling. You will likely be feeling a tumultuous mix of feelings today. Hold on to your guiding star of making safe the future for you and your girl.

The statistics show that this man is extremely dangerous, and he has already done things that are part of the path to intimate partner murder (even tho he's now your ex).

Getting this reported will be a MAJOR help to you going forward. I wish I could make it easier and just take all this stress and burden off you. But you are strong, you are brave, and right now you're a shining, blazing example to your daughter. Imagine how you'd want her to respond should anything like this, god forbid, ever happen to her. You're writing her playbook right now, and so far, doing an OUTSTANDING job.

We're here, lean on us as much as you need.

Also, please remember to keep the doors locked today. It's easy to slip into a sense of security, and no doubt part of our bodies self-preservation is to lower our hyper vigilance at times and try to convince us we're safe. But he's dangerous, and at his most wounded and rageful time. Don't feel you must hide and isolate, the opposite! But just keep those doors locked, the alarms on. Get the locks changed today.

🩷🩷🩷

Well done OP. You are doing so well. I would definitely recommend that you report this.

He will blame you and he will keep blaming you. These men are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions.

Do not let him into your home again OP especially when he thinks you will be working things out. You are very early stages of this OP so haven’t processed things. Over time you will realise he is used to getting his way with you and gets angry when he doesn’t.

You are doing fantastic by your daughter by ending things.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me. I took suggestions from here have started working through a to do list. I’ve spoke to women’s aid this morning and have been given a lot of helpful numbers and advice. I’m going to be getting legal advice this afternoon which I know will take a lot of stress from me. I did start taking sertraline this morning, I know it won’t help instantly but I’ll be honest I don’t feel strong enough to get through this alone. I know I should call the police today but that’s the one thing I know I should do but is the thing I’m most scared to do.
Im trying not to worry about anything after today because when I start thinking about how my life has been turned upside down I get very overwhelmed.
Im genuinely considering moving areas as well, I’ve been reading other threads and I just don’t want to be near him. I don’t want to see him multiple times a week when he wants to see dd. I live not far from london and I’ve always wanted to move down south. Im not going to make snap decisions but I’m looking into it.
Ive started to clean my home today and I feel a bit better, a bit more myself. I don’t know why I feel like I don’t want to leave my home. I really would like to get some fresh air but I feel like I can’t leave. I’m getting anxious at the thought of going out.
He is already texting me asking about seeing us this weekend and I’m just not replying at the moment.

Darling if you have always wanted to move down south do it! Gorgeous down there, lovely seaside for the baby doesn't need to be difficult or straight away but do what YOU want to do ❤️❤️❤️

I am blown away by your courage OP!!! Well done for taking back control from this horrible man. We are all standing alongside you and behind you so draw on that when you need do.