Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 27/07/2023 23:25

We're with you, OP.

Please continue to take the advice of the wise PPs giving concrete steps and suggestions. The last thing I want to do is pile on stress but you are still in the exceptionally dangerous time period where a highly dangerous abuser has been "thwarted" and will be feeling like he's losing control. You and your daughter's safety is of the utmost importance and so in the morning, please please do call the police. You deserve it, your daughter deserves it.

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 23:26

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 23:06

I will also say that's it's almost definite that you were being abused psychologically as well as physically and it's likely that you won't know the full extent of that for a while

This is a very good point. In the OP it says you were having a disagreement because he was making you do something you didn't want. That's not normal, loving behaviour.

Yes, I have said to him before that I feel like he tries to power play me. I was sat on the edge of the bed and he was telling me to move because it was bothering him that I was sat on his side of the bed. It sounds very silly but I'm sure he does it to power play me as he will demand small things like this of me all the time that have no point in them and are not affecting him. He has even tried to demand I stand in a different place before.

OP posts:
Bonfire23 · 27/07/2023 23:28

For me the worst part is him saying he's overwhelmed and blah blah
He didn't go out in the street and take it out on a stranger did he? He took it out on someone he's meant to love
If he had done it to a stranger there might have been witnesses, they would have rung 999, and they wouldn't be hearing his bullshit or lies of self defence

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/07/2023 23:32

@Lavennder and this is why you'll have to hold your strength and not take him back. Abuse only ever escalates. Emotional, physical, it never stops, only ever gets worse. Don't ever believe him if he tells you he'll never do it again. I was brainwashed for over 4yrs by my ex and it only ever got worse, until he nearly killed me by strangulation. Please seek all the support you need to keep yourself and your daughter safe from this monster.

Livinginanotherworld · 27/07/2023 23:38

I haven’t commented on this thread as there was nothing useful I could add, that others had already done. I just wanted to say a massive Well done, that was probably the hardest thing you’ve had to do. It was so brave of you to put yourself and your baby out of harms way. You must be so traumatised after what you’ve been through, but it will get better and you will get even stronger, this was the hardest bit. Please consider getting checked out medically properly, for your health’s sake and so there is a report. Hopefully you will feel stronger over the next few days to log it with the police as well. You’ve got this, you’ve put your darling baby first and kept her safe.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 23:48

I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you
You have done so well in such a horrific situation and I'm glad your sister knows the full story
Do not be afraid or embarrassed to inform everyone you know who will support you
Do you have a friend or family member who could come stay with you? You need someone to confide in when the adrenaline wears off
Glad your Dad got him out
Think about urgent GP appointment to get checked medically and emotionally and also it will all be documented
Sending you love and strength and I hope you can rest
I'll be checking through the night( insomniac!) if it helps you to post

MadeForThis · 27/07/2023 23:55

Well done. Police tomorrow. They can help to keep him away.

CelestiaNoctis · 27/07/2023 23:56

Have a shower, tell him you're going to take your child to the park because you're feeling better this morning and then go to the police station and tell them whats happened. Do not go back home, your stuff can be collected when he's in custody. You need to be brave for your child now, they are in danger.

CelestiaNoctis · 28/07/2023 00:00

OK I see he's gone now. Please call the police. Don't allow him anywhere near you and your child again unsupervised. He's dangerous.

Ilovethewild · 28/07/2023 00:05

Op, another well done from me.

you probably see going to the police as some BIG thing, but it isn’t. It’s just telling someone else what he did. The big thing was kicking him out! You have done that already.

you also need to be clear that the relationship is over (if that’s what you want).

tough days ahead, but he started this with his behaviour, 💐💐

ThreeLocusts · 28/07/2023 00:09

OP still thinking of you. It's the mix of sadism and opportunism in his actions that makes them particularly scary.

Gloating to you about your helplessness while you're pinned to the floor. Trying to use the upset he has caused you to 'document' that there's something wrong with your parenting.

So utterly, utterly vile, but potentially effective. Is there any way you can take refuge at an address he doesn't know for a bit? I hope I'm overinterpreting, but he sounds dangerous to me.

Sendinghugs · 28/07/2023 00:12

Just to reiterate what a few people have said:

  • well done, you are giving your child a better life. That is very brave.
  • make sure you don’t let him in the house. This is likely to be his aim to speak to you and claim that you are breaking up your beautiful family etc. and that he still loves you- he has already started along those lines.
  • record things. If you can be bothered. I know it’s hard. For your sanity in the long run.

Hope you do get out and do something lovely tomorrow. And take a photo of your moment of freedom with your wee one. It will mean a lot in the future looking back. Keep strong, take care and keep safe xx

DahliaRose3 · 28/07/2023 00:19

Sounds like you’re paralysed by anxiety (been there before), and you’re in shock. As awful as this all is (sorry for this awful experience), now is the time for you to take positive and appropriate actions (write a list & do what you need to do e.g.:)

  1. Ask family member/s to stay for a while & they can help with DD & cat
  2. Change alarm code ASAP
  3. Women’s aid & advice
  4. A&E
  5. Police report
  6. Make another list to move on with your life & be sure to include nice things on it. Don’t forget to breathe, and remember you’re strong & brave.

That will help you feel a million times better, even if it feels like you’re climbing Mt. Everest. Focus, focus, focus. Doing nothing, or being very slow to act will make things worse for you. If you can’t face it alone, get help from your sister or dad or a friend. Don’t feel ashamed, he has brought this on your family.

Looking out for yourself and your daughter is the best thing you can do.

You’ve got a long road ahead of you; but you can and must do it. Antidepressants won’t fix things, but they may help - it’s not instant. If you can, ask family to stay for a while whilst you sort things out - they’ll hopefully give you the additional love, support, help, and encouragement you need.

PepperBloom · 28/07/2023 00:22

Well done you absolutely did the right thing. Really important to keep a track of everything from here on. Texts. Calls. Any attempts to come back to the house. Include the time, what happened, what was said, and how you felt.

Please call the police tomorrow. They will be so supportive and it will probably be what WA suggest you do. The sooner the better. When you record this domestic stuff with police they put a marker down so anything gets responded to very quickly.

I had an ex once you wouldn’t leave me alone and came outside my house, he wouldn’t leave. My mum told me to call the police and they arrived in minutes. They made him move on, came in and made sure I was okay and told me they had a marker for the incident that meant anymore trouble they would make it a high priority. They explained that male partners intimidating female partners/exes was their top agenda because of how often it leads to violence.

Wishing you peace tonight and strength for the morning. You have got this sister xx

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/07/2023 00:23

Well done, you've shown enormous strength. Now is time to put you and DD first and rebuild. Please don't ever let this monster back in Flowers

truthhurts23 · 28/07/2023 01:09

Don’t be fooled OP, never forget what he did to you

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2023 01:19

OP my heart goes out to you. Never forget what a dangerous and manipulative man he is.

XMissPlacedX · 28/07/2023 01:24

This is your chance to give you and your dd a better life. Keep reading the thread if you feel like you want to take him back. You've been strong and had help to get rid of him, your dad is right about a fresh start. He will never change, ever. Don't believe for a second he is sorry. You have one life, don't spend one more second of it with this abuser. I guarantee you in a year you will be so proud of yourself for getting rid of this horrible man and showing your dd that it's not ok to be treated that way.

Canthave2manycats · 28/07/2023 01:44

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 23:26

Yes, I have said to him before that I feel like he tries to power play me. I was sat on the edge of the bed and he was telling me to move because it was bothering him that I was sat on his side of the bed. It sounds very silly but I'm sure he does it to power play me as he will demand small things like this of me all the time that have no point in them and are not affecting him. He has even tried to demand I stand in a different place before.

My darling, this guy is no good xx

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 02:00

You need help to get out safely. Your situation is dire.
Take care to proceed with safety.
You deserve much better; make use of all avenues of help.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 28/07/2023 02:20

Please go to the police tomorrow - well later today now @Lavennder, and you don't even have to speak to them, just ask them to read this thread. They will probably want to clarify a couple of things, but they will be lovely to you, and you will have done the very best thing that you could for you and your DD.
I'm sending you lots of love and positive vibes xx

MrsMigginsesPieShop · 28/07/2023 02:23

Amazing OP, well done. Now you have to protect what you've fought for and won. The adrenaline will propel you through the next few days - make a list and methodically go through it step by step. If you have to contact companies (eg banks, utilities etc) tell them what's happened - they almost always have specialist policies in place, particularly banks. Once my husband lost control of me physically and psychologically, he tried to use every possible tool he had to regain control, including financially. Tomorrow, set about systematically excising him from every part of your life that you can. Remove every possible weapon from him before he evens knows he has them. HMRC is a good place to start, if you're not claiming universal credit yet, put a claim in tomorrow as a single person (if you are in receipt of universal credit you automatically qualify for legal aid from the date you applied).

'I won't be pushed out of my daughter's life' - ludicrous and delusional. He doesn't have a choice. He's removed himself from her life through his own actions. It's like a murderer saying they won't be going to prison, because they don't want to. It's part of the delusional arrogance of these people that they think they have some agency over whether they deal with the consequences of their crime or not. It's part of their pathology that they think they have a right to see their children. They don't. Their children have the right to be free from abuse, and the courts job is to protect that right. And witnessing abuse against their mother is in itself a form of abuse. These men all seem to think that the court is there to protect their rights, and it really isn't. It's to protect the children from violence and keep them physically and psychologically safe. Try and get a lawyer as soon as you can - if can you get that interdict/power of arrest/residence order, it'll give you another layer of protection.

I know it seems overwhelming, but just take it methodically, a step at a time.

You can do this. Every step you take is a step away from him. Every phone call you make, every strand of support you put in place is another root planted in this new, free life that you are creating for you and your daughter. It might feel unrelentingly bleak tonight, but one day you'll look around, breathe, and find joy in this new life, I promise. It's a glorious feeling to be free of fear and shame and I wish I could show you a glimpse of it, but you'll get here on your own, I promise xxxxxxxxxx

Sunmoonandstarsforever · 28/07/2023 03:20

Well done you! You have so done the right thing ending the relationship and making him leave. Stay strong and don’t take him back, believe me I’ve been there and totally know you’ve done the right thing. You and your child will have a lovely calm happy home when this initial shock has gone. My children are grown now but acknowledge they would have had a controlled restricted childhood if I’d stayed in the relationship, as it is they’ve had a happy calm peaceful relaxed home life with just me. They have all achieved university and are decent human beings and most importantly are happy and cherished. You’ve been very brave, if you feel yourself weakening think of your child. Please get this on record with the police, they will respond quickly to your address if he comes back, and it will help if you have to go to court if he asks for access, so they can see why it would have to be supervised or denied. Better days will come in time I promise you x

WedRine · 28/07/2023 04:57

I am so pleased for you that you got him out. Although I know it doesn't feel very pleasing. You're going to go through a lot of emotions over the next few weeks, even months, until you finally feel relief but it's all normal and you haven't done anything wrong. You will feel guilty. Your head will be completely messed with as this wouldn't be the guy you imagined you'd be in a relationship with; it can't all have been bad as you wouldn't have had a child with him if he was horrible all of the time. So we carry those positive memories and we start to think to think that maybe we need to save them, get them better, poor them, when actually a lot of abuse starts after pregnancy or there is a child. I get it, I completely get it how this is a massive headfuck that he is an abuser.

He is also following the script pretty precisely. I very much doubt this is going to be the end of it. When he realises it is over, he is going to get nasty and he will start looking to control and punish you in any way he can. It's at this stage now that you have to prepare yourself and get everything pre emptively in order.

It could get physical:

  • get the locks changed (seriously, a 5 minute job you can do yourself with a pozi screwdriver).
  • change the alarm code
  • get some form of cctv even if it's just a ring doorbell.

I would actually think he's likely to try it on and come to the house and expect you to forgive him and take him back and at that point it will be psychological.

He might report you to social services - just ensure you play ball with them. They were amazing when ExH reported me and actually advocated for me in court. Get your house sorted, make sure you and DD are clean and there is food in the fridge and you'll be fine.

He might report you to the police - seriously get in there first. It's scary and I realise it's not a pleasant thought thinking of him being taken off in handcuffs, but this step will be the one that you'll be pleased you took when it gets to court.

Check with your local council or HV about hubs. You can get free legal advice which will save money up to the point where he files for child arrangement order. He probably will do this so you will want to be prepared.

Make sure you are getting any benefits as a single mum you might be entitled to and apply for child support.

Dibbydoos · 28/07/2023 05:33

Report him to the police first so you get time to sort yourselves out.
Shower, pack a small case, get your DD and leave before the police release him - would be good if he was remanded though. If you don't have anywhere to go, go to a women's refuge to start with. You may need a protection order issued by the court with a power of arrest.

He could have easily killed you.

His testimony won't stand up.

Please stop thinking about antidepressants you need more help than that. You did nothing wrong. Your DD knows that.