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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 27/07/2023 22:40

I’m so pleased your dad came over and he’s gone. Is there anyone who could come over and stay tonight?

I would look into changing your locks and the alarm code. That way he won’t be able to enter if he does have a key.

Please phone police tomorrow. You did amazingly well tonight and told others. Some weight has lifted but now you need to report it. He will continue to tell lies but you can’t let him do this. Report him for your sake and your dds.

I hope you can rest tonight, you’ve been really strong and brave today!

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 22:46

Fantastic, well done you ♥️
for peace of mind id also double lock the doors/leave a key in the lock tonight just in case. Did you get keys back or are you changing the locks?

definitely log with police all thats happened. You may need this evidence in the coming months

this is not over but you just need to stay strong. Write down exactly what happened in the notes section on your phone and update regularly so in times you might waver you have something to refer back to. Keep checking in for support & advice x

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 27/07/2023 22:46

Well done OP, you've taken a massive step and that really took courage but please PLEASE call the police tomorrow, if only to pre-empt issues you may have with him over sharing custody of your daughter. You need official documentation of what he did to you and how dangerous he can be.

YoSof · 27/07/2023 22:47

I’m so proud of you. Be kind to yourself now, it’s going to take some time but you’ll be ok in the end x

Leave your keys in the door tonight, and if he does turn up call the police.

You will have weak moments and he will be full of promises and apologies. When that happens, remember how you felt when he had you pinned down and you were trying to make sure your child couldn’t see. Reread your opening post to give you strength.

You’ve got this, and we’ve got you x

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2023 22:49

Keep your posts from this thread, read them back when you need to.

He attacked YOU.

Then when it looked as if you might object, inform people, kick him out, he tried to alter the narrative to HIM being the victim and you the attacker.

Then its threats that he'll take what you hold most dear - your child...

Then bargaining - if you don't do x, I won't do y...

This is CLASSIC.

Read through peoples replies, I'll bet people predicted he'd be full of sorrows and promises and he really loves you and its all the fault of something, someone some other circumstance that this has happened...

Its all lies.

He has shown you who he really is - believe him. i don't care how trite that line sounds, it is the truth.

You are not ruining his relationship with his child, HE is.

You have not ruined his relationship wtih you - he did that.

Change the locks tomorrow.
Speak to the police.
Inform your landlord if thats necessary - tell the council he no longer lives there, claim single person discount on your council tax.

INSIST... you communicate with him ONLY about your shared child and ONLY in writing - whatsapp for example - that way you have a record of everything said, and on your part, keep what is said to the strictly relevant stuff related to child or the logistics of separating out your lives.

Nothing else. If he brings up ANYTHING else, ignore it.

He will probably flip flop between threats and promises for a while - DO NOT WEAKEN...

Be strong OP you can do this.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/07/2023 22:50

Dear @Lavennder , I have been through this, although, I put up with it for a long time before ending things. I have followed your thread all evening and I am very proud of you for seeking real life help and getting him out. Please may I give you some critical advice?

  1. You must go to the police station tomorrow to report this and make a statement. Ask them to put an alert on your house in the event that you need to make a 999 call to them. You must do this as if you receive any further trouble from him, you really need to have it logged. This will also help you when it comes to dealing with custody in the future.
  2. Please do not let him back inside the property. Any future discussions with him really do need to be done in a public place with independent witnesses around. You will leave yourself at risk if you let him back in again. My (now ex) husband continued his physical abuse and threats for almost a year after we separated. Victims of DV are most at risk when you've split up, so do not think he can no longer hurt you.

I hope you take my advice on board, it is important that you put your own and your daughter's safety at the forefront of your mind at the moment.

Well done for getting through this week, I know how hard this will have been for you.

Lots of Love xx

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 22:51

So sorry, I posted before reading your full update! I'm so glad he's gone. OP, try and let yourself get some well earned rest tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and you've got us to support you through reporting him. For now you're safe and sound with your daughter.

OceanDreams · 27/07/2023 22:51

Well done for seeing all of this through and getting to this point, you're doing so amazingly ❤️ Your whole world has been flipped upside down so quickly and I know it's alot to digest and process, but please do listen to the others advice. He physically harmed you and you have to protect yourself and your DD. Please tell the police and make it official, especially if he's threatening to try to take your LO - because otherwise what evidence do you have for why he shouldn't have custody? I'm so sorry if this all comes across really blunt. I know it's hard to think down the line, but you have to try to get all of your ducks in a row. It's also good for police to have a record of what's happened incase he tries anything again. He strangled you and he did not care that DD was in other room. Please do everything you can to protect yourself and DD. Sending so much strength your way ❤️

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 27/07/2023 22:51

You have done a brave and worthwhile thing, snd you and your daughter will have a brighter future because of it.
Please contact the Police first thing.
Sleep well x

Wasywasydoodah · 27/07/2023 22:51

You’ve done so well. You’re still in a highly risky situation (this is statistically a v dangerous time). Please please please call the police and a domestic abuse service (there will be a local one). They will help you safety plan. If you don’t get it done now, you risk your immediate safety, and/or years of control/abuse through contact arrangements and the court. But youve done brilliantly. Keep going

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 22:53

I'm at home. My dad went home to his family but said he would call first thing. I'm not sure about how to go about changing the alarm codes. I will have to dig out the manual tomorrow. The front door has a chain so that's okay, it's the back but I'm sure he wouldn't try come back tonight. But then I think to myself no he wouldn't do that but then had you asked me a week ago I would have said no he would never do that to me about what he did 5 days ago. So I don't feel comfort in what I have thought he would never do. Cat and dd are in with me tonight

OP posts:
buggo · 27/07/2023 22:54

I am so so relieved that you are safe. I have been thinking of you all day.

  • It sounds like he admitted to your dad that you did not attack him by saying he grabbed you preemptively which is good.
  • He loves you blah blah. I know you know this but when someone strangles you and almost kills you it's almost irrelevant. Being with a person that doesn't abuse you is the absolute bare minimum one can expect. The audacity of him thinking you will just forgive him is rage-inducing but not surprising.
  • Yes your toddler dd will miss her dad. I'm sure she would also spend every day watching ms Rachel and eating ice cream if she could. Luckily you are there to make the choices that are actually good for her. Being raised in a home where her dad abuses her mum, seeing that and thinning it's normal is not what's good for her. What you did today was not just extremely brave for yourself but it was being an absolutely fantastic parent. You have started the process of getting away from your abuser and you have ensured her life is going to be infinitely better by not being brought up in that.
  • I do hope you're safe. I think it would be good if someone could stay with you but I am glad you have the alarms. If he shows up please call 999 immediately and explain the situation and that you are afraid for the imminent safety of you and your dd.
  • Its ok to grieve the loss of the relationship. The person you thought he was, you loved him. That person either no longer or never did exist. It's a bit like he has died in a way. You will grieve that relationship and start to heal from what's happened to you. However vulnerable you feel please always remember that that man is not the person you remember and now never will be again. A man capable of what he did is capable of murder.
  • I know that the police is a really scary hurdle. Please do it as soon as you can tomorrow. It's really important that they know, can flag your house as potentially needing an urgent response and can collect evidence. If phoning is hard maybe your sister or dad could be there with you or maybe could come with you to report it in person.

You feel guilt because you're imagining reporting the man you knew who you thought was a good person but he's not that person you thought he was. The person you loved is not the one you are reporting. The person you loved would not strangle you. I will also say that's it's almost definite that you were being abused psychologically as well as physically and it's likely that you won't know the full extent of that for a while but you will heal and you will start to look back and see a lot of things differently.

He has messed so much with your head. Allow yourself to acknowledge the feeling you are having. Examine your feelings without judgement. Notice that you're feeling some guilt. Where can you feel it? What is it like? And then as it passes just let it pass.

Your emotions are not a window to the truth. You do not feel guilty because you have done something wrong. You feel guilty because you have been emotionally abused and been through a traumatic incident.

Look at what you did tonight that I bet you thought was going to be too hard. You did it. You found your strength. The rest of it will be hard but not as hard as what you just went through.

Please please get a locksmith out tomorrow first thing. It is not worth taking the risk that he may have a key and may use it in a week or a months time hoping you have let your guard down.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2023 22:55

Can you leave a key in the back door or deadlock it so it can't be opened from the outside?

Mummy8908 · 27/07/2023 23:00

Hi OP. I am so glad you and your dd are safe.

I was reading your post, and while my ex was not physically abusive, he was definitely emotionally and mentally (and I think your ex is too). It has taken me a long time to feel ok. I left when our ds was 1.5 years old, he is now 6.

I left when ex was at work and my dad helped me too, he helped me pack all my things and ds' things and get out of there. At the time I felt so nervous, scared, shocked and broken. But I am here today and telling you it WILL get better.

I know you are beyond exhausted mentally and emotionally. I know this seems like a nightmare that won't end. But you have made a HUGE first step, and that is getting your ex out of the house. Be proud of yourself. It takes a lot of courage to recognise what is happening and taking action to help you and dd.

Please, try to get some sleep tonight. Your body and mind need time and rest to start healing. It won't happen overnight; but if you make small steps you will feel better overall.

Make a list tomorrow on what you need to do. And please call people you can trust, who can support you during this.

So many of us can relate and we are here to help you.

Look after yourself and your dear dd ♥ and please keep us all updated here on how you are. xx

LucyMay33 · 27/07/2023 23:05

Put your key in the back door to stop him getting in.

Hope you get some rest tonight x

ThreeLocusts · 27/07/2023 23:06

OP I hope you're sleeping comfortably but if you see this, put something against the back door that will fall over and make a noise in case he comes in. Log his attack with the police tomorrow, for future custody fights and so they can put an alert on your address.

Your description of his initial attack is utterly terrifying, and there is something so very calculating and ruthless about the way he weaponised your child in the process that I am actually frightened for you. It's the mixture of apparent loss of control and completely unscrupulous manipulation.

As pp said, avoid all contact with him except in public places. Don't let him have dd on his own if you can help it. Get all the advice you can, and get the injury to your neck that is causing your headaches documented. Oh, and you're being a great mother by getting away from this vile person.FlowersFlowersFlowers

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 23:06

I will also say that's it's almost definite that you were being abused psychologically as well as physically and it's likely that you won't know the full extent of that for a while

This is a very good point. In the OP it says you were having a disagreement because he was making you do something you didn't want. That's not normal, loving behaviour.

KingsHeath53 · 27/07/2023 23:06

OP! I AM SO PROUD OF YOUUUUUUUU

Goldbar31 · 27/07/2023 23:08

You are amazing ❤️

nocoolnamesleft · 27/07/2023 23:12

Oh, well done. Stay strong. And really do try to find the strength to go to the police. He could have killed you. You deserve to be safe.

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 23:15

I have put my key in the back door. I'm not sure if that works with my door but I have put it in.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 23:17

I am so glad that you have found the strength to do this. The last stand of a cowardly abuser - tears! Did he cry after he assaulted you? Did he hell. Did he even admit his wrongdoing? No, he blamed you.

I would be willing to bet that, when you can sit down and think clearly about the relationship, there's been lots of times he's treated you in ways that are not acceptable. The premise of the argument, in the first place, was based on his trying to force you to do something you didn't want to do, and you having to stand up to him. That's not normal behaviour.

Please take good care of yourself. I am sorry to say but I'm concerned that this isn't the end of it. He doesn't sound like the type to just walk away. Contact the police first thing - just in case you need their protection. Also make whatever arrangements are necessary to get the locks changed.

AzureBlue99 · 27/07/2023 23:17

Well done. Keep your phone charged and near you.

Do what others have suggested and put keys in lock or put something that would make a noise by the door.

Could you do us a favour and just post in the morning that you are ok.

CornishTiger · 27/07/2023 23:18

You’ve had some great advice.

Get practical. Ring police tomorrow first thing. They should come out, take a statement and do a DASH risk assessment and refer you onto domestic abuse service whilst they decide on next steps regarding charges. Sort out council tax discount, benefits and put a claim into child maintenance ( collect and pay service)- fee can be waived as you experienced domestic abuse.

Do not forget he tried to stop you breathing when he strangled you. This is high risk DV. Strangulation is a separate crime now- it’s more than assault.

And apply for a non molesation order. No contact with child. Let him go through the court process and refuse mediation based on Domestic abuse.