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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
CJLJJL · 27/07/2023 21:45

Hello,
I was very triggered when I read your post and felt that I just had to reply.
I have not read through all the many replies so I have no idea what has already been said though I am sure you have been offered some sensible and smart advice.
I just wanted to tell you, as someone that has been through similar, that Solace Woman’s aid, the police and social workers will be there to help you.
I know you are fearful and confused because you are being gaslighted and blackmailed but honestly, the help and support you will receive will really reassure you.
the police will be able to see that any scratches he has are from you trying to fight him off.
Woman no not tend to lash out with our claws and scratch (despite what silly men may think) unless trying to fend someone off. Had you given him a black eye and/busted lip - injuries that look as though you had time and space to strike him and you had some bruising to your arms only, then he could claim that you lashed out and he held you down.
Please take it from me, my ex had me pinned down on the sofa in a similar way and all I could do was claw at his face.
I was really worried about the police believing his version, that I had acted like a woman possessed and attacked him with my Wolverine claws.
They saw right through his lies.
This was in front of my, then, 8 month old son.
Nobody is going to believe his BS version.
Please do not beat yourself up about your dd, you are suffering as a victim of an attack and your abuser is still there messing with your head. How else would you be expected to act?
You poor thing.
I am sending you the biggest virtual hug and really hope that you reach out to family and/or friends.
You really need some emotional support and reassurance.

EarthSight · 27/07/2023 21:46

I'm glad you have support OP. You body is reacting in a natural way because you know you are in severe danger. Please get the police involved because you will probably need their support. Don't tell him you're leaving and never go back. It's just too dangerous.

@PyongyangKipperbang If you feel strong enough, I'd be interested if you told your story in a different thread. I'm interested in early warning signs and how it escalates.

Zanatdy · 27/07/2023 21:47

So pleased to read your dad was on his way over as that’s a very dangerous time when your abuser is leaving. Well done OP on taking that brave step. You’re putting your DD first and you both deserve so much better than what you have put up with. Take care, and please try and keep up updated when you can.

User0224 · 27/07/2023 21:49

I’m so worried for you OP. Hope someone called the police before your dad arrived. I’ve no doubt he came with the best intentions but you’re his baby and he’s gonna want to protect you! X

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 21:53

I really hope you are ok @Lavennder and that the piece of scum is gone from your home x

Londoner89 · 27/07/2023 21:56

Oh OP, massive hug that was a painful read. Dear God. Poor you and your poor daughter. Please don’t let him convince you that your baby will be taken from you, the police, GP, A&E see women like you every day, do you really think they don’t see EXACTLY what is going on. They hear that same old chestnut from the abusive partners that the woman is the abuser, or an excuse from the woman that she fell down the stairs- they’re not stupid.

you need to get away from him fast, but I urge you to get some professional advice on the best way to get your ducks in a row because not to scare you but it’s often when a woman tries to leave an abusive partner that they are in the most danger. Show the police photos of what he did and get a restraining order. In the very least having a record of what he did will prevent him from applying for sole custody. I’d tell DD’s teachers that he is not to pick her up from school and safeguard her.

With abuse it is never just a one time thing and usually gets worse over time.

The reason why you’re feeling depressed is because you should be, it’s your body giving you all the right messages that you’re in a shit situation which is making you feel shit and you have to change it. My concern is that antidepressants might numb you and slow you down from getting you away from this abuser if they take the edge off the pain.

As someone who had a very abusive father that used to waterboard my brother, beat him with his belt and hold my mum’s throat until she passed out, please get out now before your daughter gets deeply psychologically affected

padsi1975 · 27/07/2023 22:01

Lavennder I hope you are OK.

Ydkiml · 27/07/2023 22:03

I keep checking this post for a update from you , are you ok ? we all rooting for you x

Janemact · 27/07/2023 22:04

DARVO is a tactic used by any abusive men. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Exactly what he’s done to you. Get out as soon as you can, Womens Aid/Refuge are safer for women than the Police, some of whom are violent misogynists themselves (though not all). Get photos of your injuries, take dd and leave. She needs you to stay alive!

FlissyPaps · 27/07/2023 22:04

Please report him to the police he is an unstable and dangerous man.

Sounds like you have a really good support network and family around you. Sending you lots of love ❤

CrackerAndPudding · 27/07/2023 22:04

Hoping you're safe tonight, that your ex is gone and you can take some time to breathe and process the last few days.

Purplegherkins · 27/07/2023 22:10

Hope you’re safe now OP - I think we are all frightened for you

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 22:19

We're all still with you @Lavennder , hoping you've got somewhere safe with baby.

ferntwist · 27/07/2023 22:20

My heart goes out to you OP. Your ex is a manipulative dangerous bastard. So pleased you have told your dad and sister the truth, as well as the GP. Hoping he has gone. Other posters mean well telling you to leave but why should you and your DD leave your home? He’s the one that must get out

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 22:20

Thank you everyone for your replies. I would not have text my sister or pushed for him to be out of my home without them. Especially the people who commented multiple times, I did see and it did put a good amount of pressure on me to push my self. Thank you. He is gone and I feel like I am in shock. My dad did very well to keep calm but he wasn't happy, I showed him the pics and he did confront ex. DD got to watch a lot of Ms Rachel. I watched him take of his shirt and show my dad the scratch marks and his leg. He did claim to my dad that I had attacked him, that I had "gone on and on at him and it was unbearable". He really did blame me and he sounded so sure that I really think he believes that I have done worse than him. He even said to my dad that he felt like I was about to assault him so grabbed me preemptively.
My dad had some harsh words for him and told him he needs to go. He said to my dad how he would not be pushed out of his daughters life and even my dad said he thinks I'm going to have trouble there.
We spoke about the police and I'm so drained I said I couldn't do it tonight. He wants me to call 101 tomorrow and I'm trying to talk myself into it but I still feel very apprehensive.
Before he left he broke down to me and said that we were meant to be together. That he loves me and our family, that dd is going to miss him. That he will go but he wants to come back after the weekend and that he can fix things. He said he has been feeling over worked and depressed, that he hasn't been well in himself for a while. I don't believe a word of it, not even an hour before that he was telling my dad that I had been abusing him and had attacked him.
But he is gone, and I feel a bit anxious still, I'm worried he might come back later. Both front and back doors are alarmed, so I keep telling myself that I'll hear the alarm if he had an extra key cut or something.
I do have a real empty feeling and I asked my dad where do I go from here? He told me to use this as a fresh start. Him and I aren't really close but I was so thankful and appreciative of what he has done for me tonight, and my sister.
I still feel on edge, and like something bad is going to happen. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and clean my home. I had a shower today and that made me feel a lot better. I couldn't get through on the live chat today so I'm going to try again tomorrow. I need to leave my home tomorrow, I haven't left my home since Sunday, even if it's only for a quick walk around the park. I still feel awful but I feel a bit more safe now he is gone.

OP posts:
Batshitcrazy007 · 27/07/2023 22:23

Hope you’re ok 💗

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 22:25

Like everyone on this thread, I'm so relieved you're safe.

Get some rest tonight and then first thing tomorrow, call the Police and make a report, and get a locksmith out to change the locks. You need to stop putting both of these things off. They are critical to your safety. He's already told you he'll be back, you need to protect yourself.

UWOT1 · 27/07/2023 22:26

Do you have anyone that can stay the night with you?

Also, I think you need to change the alarm code, get a ring doorbell and maybe so security camera's on the back.

AretuzaGraduate · 27/07/2023 22:26

You are strong and you can do this for yourself and for your daughter 💪💓. You should be very proud of yourself for being so proactive in the face of a manipulative monster and in the wake of an assault. You're amazing. If you can do that, what else can you do? You're going to find out more about your power now. I am so sorry you have been through this, sending the biggest hugs.

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 22:27

@Lavennder please keep rereading mine and others personal experiences. The emotional manipulation with the crying and how your DD will miss him.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight xx

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/07/2023 22:28

If you leave your keys in the door, I think it will stop him from putting a key in from the outside and unlocking it. That's how my doors work, anyway.

You are right to ignore all the bollocks about how the two of you were meant to be together. He's talking through his arse. Please do phone 101 tomorrow. Is anyone staying with you tonight?

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 22:29

I did feel guilty for some reason, like I had betrayed him by telling my family. We've been together years, and I can't believe how quick it has changed. A voice in the back of my head kept wishing to go back to a week ago when everything was uncomplicated but I know logically that as he is capable of this it would have happened it was just a case of when. I do feel alone, but I'm going to be thankful for my family and for the support I have got here. I love reading the funny threads on here and always had a good laugh in the evening at some of the good stuff on here but I never realised how really supportive this community is and I'm glad I posted here earlier. Thank you for the support I have received in the replies on here. Reading other people's experiences too. It has all helped me gain some perspective and just a tiny smidgen of confidence.

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/07/2023 22:31

Hurrah, you have done so well. Even just sending your sister the link to this post was a major step. Standing with your dad and taking his support was also brave. The next steps might be hard but just think of your daughter and her safety. You have to carry on protecting her. Interesting that OP have told you of their experiences which echo your own (even down to him blaming overwork for his actions). Stay strong

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 22:36

Bless you @Lavennder . You should feel filled with confidence due to your own bravery. You did something exceptionally brave today. Are you somewhere safe now?

MadKittenWoman · 27/07/2023 22:37

Please, do NOT feel guilty about telling your family or going on antidepressants. Look after yourself and your child. You will get through this. Flowers