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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
CrackerAndPudding · 27/07/2023 20:51

Good for you in telling your sister. As a poster says above, your GP or the police would recognise the scratch marks as defensive marks - he's desperate to tell you otherwise so prevent you from seeking help. You may decide not to, but it is in your and your child's interest to report this to the police. The police can also ensure he's removed from the home.

Hope your dad is with you and that your ex-dp leaves the house ASAP.

Tonkatol · 27/07/2023 20:51

@Fluffylittlepup

Maybe your post got deleted for your total lack of empathy. I am fortunate to have never been in the position the OP has been in. I have just read all the pages, feeling myself getting more stressed with each post from OP. I was willing her not to stay in and wait for ex-DP and am so relieved that she somehow found the courage to contact her sister. Hopefully, her family is helping her right now.

I'm sorry you didn't have family to help you. My ex neighbour was a victim of DV and yet she took her partner back several times, even going on to marry him. Unfortunately, this seems to be common - I think, in most cases, a victim attempts to leave the abuser several times before they manage to break free. After I moved, I saw my ex-neighbour and she had finally found the strength to leave her abuser. I was so relieved to hear this. All the people on this thread have been trying to encourage the OP because she is obvious broken at the moment. She is in shock, is in pain and unable to think straight. The OP may be a confident woman who has been shaken to the core by the events of a few days ago. People here have had experience of what she is currently going through and are trying to encourage her to get both herself and her DC to safety. Even if she was unable to take the advice right now, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth posting. However, in this case, the OP, who may even be suffering from concussion, has managed to take some of the advice given. Hopefully, her family will ensure the abuser will leave today and they will be able to convince her to report this incident to the police. However, even if she doesn't, the imminent danger she was in should now be averted. And if it took 12 pages of comments for that to happen, it was certainly worth her life.

Hope you are now safe with your family OP. Let them help and guide you and care for you.

newrubylane · 27/07/2023 20:52

I once overheard a domestic incident late at night in a next door flat where the bloke was clearly being violent - bangs and crying/screaming. She eventually got him outside and (just as I was about to call the police) I heard him call the police telling them she had 'gone crazy and locked him out' etc. I waited to see what the police did, fully ready to go and tell them what I'd heard, and they turned up and were promptly followed by an ambulance and they arrested him. I'm pretty sure the police are wise to this kind of tactic and would recognise the signs, especially as you had clear injuries. I would call them now if I were you.

Fluffylittlepup · 27/07/2023 20:53

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Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 20:55

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She has followed advice and she is currently in the process of getting rid. Thats why you should read the full post before being nasty

CrackerAndPudding · 27/07/2023 20:56

@Fluffylittlepup on a thread like this its probably best to stay quiet if you can't offer support. As someone who was violently attacked multiple times wouldn't you have a deeper understanding of why the OP is in shock and taking time to come to terms with this if it's the first instance?

Unless you were out the door and cut all contact after the first sign of violence it would be hypocritical to expect the OP to do the same.

Fluffylittlepup · 27/07/2023 21:00

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ComeTheFckOnBridget · 27/07/2023 21:02

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You really have no idea

CrackerAndPudding · 27/07/2023 21:03

@Fluffylittlepup given you've ignored the points about hypocrisy I'd say you know fine well how hard it is, and how long it takes to build the courage to leave but would prefer to hold the OP to a higher standard. Shame on you.

Have you even bothered to read her updates? She reached out for help hours ago and her dad is coming round to help get the guy out the house.

BadNomad · 27/07/2023 21:05

@Fluffylittlepup you were nearly killed several times? Which means you didn't leave the first time. And you had a child. So why do you think it's ok to berate the OP for getting whatever support she needs to get out of this situation? Maybe have a think about why you expect more from her than you did from yourself.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 21:05

Not trying to be a sanctimonious arse but let's stop the back and forth arguing - I know we're all just hoping and waiting for OP to let us know she's ok. It's a sensitive and emotive topic and it's horrible wanting to help someone and not being able to directly do so.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/07/2023 21:07

Responses to threat: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. All completely normal reactions to a horrific event. But the OP has started to come out of that initial shock, and has reached out and told a real life person what happened. That is an enormous step forward to escaping this terrifyingly abusive situation.

LT1982 · 27/07/2023 21:08

Strangulation is now an offence in it's own right. You need to go to the police. If you cant go in person, most police now have social media to contact them on.

You are NOT a bad mum, you're a victim of a bad partner and he's a bad dad for traumatising you and your daughter with his actions.

Lndnmummy · 27/07/2023 21:11

Rooting for you OP

laalaaland · 27/07/2023 21:13

Thinking of you OP.
Couldn't just read and run.
5 days.
FIVE DAYS!!!!
You have held it together after that horrendous attack for 5 sodding days. You are SO much stronger than you realise.
Really really hope you are safe now xx

Songlines · 27/07/2023 21:15

I hope the gap since your last post is because you've either got him out or you've moved yourself and your child to a place of safety.
Well done, OP. You've been amazing x

IamWaldo · 27/07/2023 21:17

Please lean heavily on your family here OP - let them treat you with kindness and start to feel safe again by getting that awful man out of your life. Be kind to yourself too. You will need to build yourself up again after all of this but you will be stronger for it.

Floppyelf · 27/07/2023 21:18

According to my friend who works in a specialist DV unit in the police- they know what self defensive wounds are. He gaslit you. Involve the police now! Men like
him will murder your kids if you don’t put the measures in place.

OriginalFloorboards · 27/07/2023 21:19

Agree.

Well done OP. So glad you’ve been brave enough to tell your family.

BreaktheCycle · 27/07/2023 21:23

Well done for confiding in your family. Don’t worry as the Police deal with men like him all day every day and will know that he’s lying.

I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. You’ve taken the best action for you and your child x

WedRine · 27/07/2023 21:30

Well done OP for getting your sister involved. It's an incredible step, the hardest, and no matter what he throws at you now, nothing will be as scary as reaching out was.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/07/2023 21:30

There is a reason why RESPECT and other therapists will not engage with a man who has attempted strangulation, they are considered to be unrehabilitatable. They simply are too dangerous and will not respond to any sort of treatment, this is why Clares Law exists and why it is so important.

You are doing so well. I stayed with my abuser for years until he did almost kill me and it was only because of sheer luck that we still had the landline we were getting rid off and I managed to dial 999 and they heard what was happening that he didnt.

I should have asked for help a lot sooner, let your family help you.

momtoboys · 27/07/2023 21:34

I'm so glad you've told someone that can help you.

Mummylovesmonkeys · 27/07/2023 21:39

Get out now. No ifs, no buts - take your daughter and go. Next time it might not be bruises.

FlamingoQueen · 27/07/2023 21:44

YOU have done nothing wrong. I hope your Dad helps you to sort this out and please do call the police.