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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 27/07/2023 19:51

Your OP is horrifying to read, OP. Your ex deserves to be locked up for what he did to you. I'm so glad your dad is on the way to be with you, I hope it hasn't kicked off though and that you are all safe and your ex is long gone.

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 27/07/2023 19:52

Well done. I’m so glad you’ve told some one.

YoSof · 27/07/2023 19:53

OP you’ve taken big steps today, I feel emotional reading this but you should be so, so proud of yourself.

It feels so scary, I know it does, but you’ve absolutely done the right thing in speaking out. The GP will have a duty to report to social services because your child was present but that’s a good thing - they will want to help keep you safe and see that you are keeping your child safe. You’ve done that today. Don’t be frightened about what happens next, it’s just one step at a time and everyone is there to help you x

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 19:53

Thinking of you, OP, sending love and strength Flowers

WornDown2023 · 27/07/2023 19:54

I am so so sorry that he did this to you. You did nothing wrong. I hope you will be safe soon. I am just so very sorry for how he has treated you. I’ve no advice to add as so many people have suggested things. Just wanted to say how sorry I am and how much I admire your courage for telling people what happened.

MrsMigginsesPieShop · 27/07/2023 19:55

Well done, you're nearly there. It's going to get better, I promise. We left on the Sunday night, and by Friday we were in a new, safe house, surrounded by family and friends building flat pack furniture and cooking casseroles. You are so so close to getting out, and we're all standing beside you. You have been so brave, keep fighting and you'll get there xxxxxxxx

Happysummedays · 27/07/2023 20:03

Hi..I’ve never posted on this before so forgive me for any errors. This all sound very familiar to me. My sister met this guy he started alienating her from friends and family. They moved away and we never heard from her until recently.From what we can gather he was mentally torturing her just like what your dp is doing to you. last we know was he got her by the throat and had a cushion over her face. Her kids seen it and called the police. So what I am saying is this can escalate .. please please please get the help you need. Get out and Ive seen how difficult that is but you deserve so so much better

Slothinpurple · 27/07/2023 20:08

Very very familiar situation in the past here, you have photos and your GP knows. He is using the they will believe him because of the scratches as another way of controlling you.
He probably would not have left after dinner but probably will now your Dad is coming over!

I do hope you are okay.

unsync · 27/07/2023 20:09

Well done asking for help. Please think about speaking to the police. The police told me that had they been aware of domestic abuse at my address, they would have responded differently when they were required to attend my house.

The incident occurred after exH had left, but he continued to return. As your tenancy is in your name, change all your locks ASAP. I couldn't, but I did after this. He brought it up in court 🙄

carly2803 · 27/07/2023 20:14

he leaves today.

get the police involved. dont be afraid of the police. They will remove him for domestic violence especially as he is not on the tenancy

Moonshine160 · 27/07/2023 20:28

Oh, OP :(
You are being physically and emotionally abused. He is gaslighting you to make you think you’re the crazy, abusive one when it’s him. Take your daughter and leave.

HAVELOCK · 27/07/2023 20:28

If your dad does kick off (personally I’d be in jail already if I found out my dc’s partner did this) don’t whatever you do feel the need to step in and calm the situation by making excuses or sticking up for your partner! In fact don’t do or say anything to prolong the situation. Get him out, change the locks. These are your priorities.

Fluffylittlepup · 27/07/2023 20:31

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tattygrl · 27/07/2023 20:33

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OP has sought help and has been really brave. She was/is in a highly dangerous situation with a man who strangled her. Personally I'm glad people can come here and get input from us as fellow women, even if they don't post a resolution. I genuinely believe it makes a difference. Without advice and input from places like this, people can feel totally alone and unsure what to do. I get the frustration because it is really hard reading about these real time situations from such a distance, but honestly OP has done amazing today.

SlashBeef · 27/07/2023 20:34

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This is cruel. Imagine if this was your daughter.

Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 20:37

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I would rather be 12 pages in and giving someone a hand hold and advice. Even if they choose to ignore it. Than ignore someone who has been assaulted and is terrified about speaking out. You will never truly understand unless you have walked in the shoes of someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Your mentality is never the same and you question every decision you make. Even if someone is telling you it is the right one.

besides which, if you had read the OP’s replies you would know she is getting help and her dad is there now getting the abuser out.

Fluffylittlepup · 27/07/2023 20:39

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landbeforegrime · 27/07/2023 20:41

you need to go to the hospital and to the police. you need a non mol order, an occupation order if you can get one, and all the contemporaneous third party witness evidence to your injuries you can get. you presumably lied to the gp about who and where your dd was because you know a safeguarding referral would have been made if you'd been honest. you need to stop lying. no one will take your dd off you (permanently) if you do everything you can going forward to protect her. it sounds like you don't want to be with him and are petrified. he is using fear and threat of calling police on you to stop you being able to do the right thing and only thing you can do to protect yourself. he is the one who brought your dd into it and told her about the fight. he is not going to the police because he knows as soon as he does they will speak to you and the truth will come out. you must report this. you must be honest. you need to get away from him and get support to protect yourself and your daughter. please don't be paralysed by fear. his lies will be seen through pretty quickly. he is not the first to pull this. you are a good mum, you are just terrified and don't know what to do. step by step. police, hospital, legal advice, for a non mol. refuge if you have nowhere to go. contact social services yourself if you have to. they won't judge but they will if you continue to lie about what happened. if you lie then you will have all kinds of issues down the line if you argue over contact/ who dd will live with and end up in court over that. please keep yourself safe. the services are there to help you and will if you just let them in.

Fluffylittlepup · 27/07/2023 20:41

The police were brilliant to me. I had a child too.

MouseMinge · 27/07/2023 20:44

You're not a nice person, @Fluffylittlepup . No one is bored. Things are happening just because they're not following the pattern you think they should doesn't mean that you get to be so damn nasty.

I'd guess that if any of us were attacked like that would be scared witless. He nearly killed her and now he's gaslighting her. It's horrendous and you're bored. Bore off then and stop being a total shitehawk.

@Lavennder I'm so glad you called your sister and she contacted your dad. This despicable name has done a real number on you. Here's the thing. His "injuries" are scratch marks. They will look like exactly what they are, defensive marks. He won't be believed over you, he will not get custody of your DC. I hope he's out tonight but once he's done please get your GP to check your head. He was hit your around the head and your head may also have banged against the floor when he threw you down. The fact that you've been having headaches may well have nothing to do with that and just be a result of the fear and anxiety but it's worth telling the GP so that you can be sure that everything is okay. I'm so, so sorry that this has happened to you and I hope that soon you will be able to look back and see how brave you've been. Take good care of yourselve and your lovely DC.

Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 20:44

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That is you and not the OP. Some people are able to do it alone, others need support. It doesn’t make you better than them or them less deserving of help. If you had reached out you would have received the same advice.
It was deleted, probably because when someone is in need like this. Seeing a post putting them down will only add to the self doubt thought they have.
absolutely have your own thoughts and opinions and you should definitely be proud of yourself for getting help. But think about how you word things to people who are currently very vulnerable. It come break them.

Bewildbefree · 27/07/2023 20:46

Sorry my replies no longer make sense as they are in response to a poster who keeps getting deleted 😣
Anyway, I hope the OP knows 99% are fully behind her and supporting her

SirVixofVixHall · 27/07/2023 20:50

I hope you are with your Dad and safe now OP.

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