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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 19:09

So relieved that you've told your sister and that your Dad is on his way. Well done @Lavennder!

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 19:10

Thank god you let your family know. I'd be slipping something a little 'extra' into that dinner - though to be fair I'd not have made it.

I hope your dad and your sister can give you strength and resolve to get this horrible fucker out of your life. I also hope they contact the police. The evidence will be crucial moving forward, and I'd like to think that there would be a record that women unfortunate enough to be with him have a chance to find out his real character!

Nissy123 · 27/07/2023 19:11

Did you know you can text 999 if it's unsafe to call. Go to the bathroom and text them. They will get you out of the house. Don't worry about him saying stuff about him going to the police about you. Your injuries aren't consistent to what he's saying. You need to get out with your daughter. You aren't a bad mum, she isn't traumatised yet. She will be if you stay though. It may get even worse.

buggo · 27/07/2023 19:12

I can't imagine how scared you were to send that link OP but well done for doing it. You have done so so well!

blotchyredanditichy · 27/07/2023 19:13

Well done!! What a great idea to send your sister the link and to get your dad there. You are doing brilliantly! Sending 🫂

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/07/2023 19:13

Just wanted to say that you can apply for an emergency occupation order if needs be and the police will remove him. Wishing you strength OP, I'm so glad you've got your family around you Flowers

TheMamaYo · 27/07/2023 19:14

We're all rooting for you.

happywotsit · 27/07/2023 19:19

I hope your dad is there now and you are safe. You’ve done amazing.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/07/2023 19:22

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 18:46

My dad has text me saying for me not to worry and that he's on the way over. I'm so stressed out. I've left dinner, turned the stove off and just taken dd in the garden. Why do I feel somewhat guilty for what's about to happen? I feel even more anxious dragging my dad into this, I've text him back asking him please not to kick off with him.

Sweetie, you have done exactly the right thing. In years to come, you'll look back on this and say 'thank goodness I did that then.'

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 19:24

Make sure you get his keys for the house! I do hope your dad doesn’t lose his cool. Call the police if it starts to kick off. Record things on your phone. Well done op for speaking out but you still need to get checked and also report to police for future evidence

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/07/2023 19:27

Please let us know you're ok. You've done such an amazingly strong thing. You're unbelievable x

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 27/07/2023 19:30

Thinking of you OP, that sounds horrific Flowers

JimnJoyce · 27/07/2023 19:31

Well done Op

JustOneDD · 27/07/2023 19:37

Well done, OP!! I’ve been reading this thread with increasing anxiety and am so incredibly impressed that you took action and sent the link to your sister. You’ve had some great advice on here about reporting to the police, getting orders in place etc and you have now started the journey to being free of your ex. Sending you strength and love x

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 27/07/2023 19:38

I am so relieved you've told your sister and that your dad is on his way. Thinking of you - I know yours scared, but you've got this.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 19:39

He is very adamant that I will be in trouble for the scratches and he does have the nail marks on his leg and a couple on his body area.

Self defence marks are common.

Just tell the police exactly what you wrote here ..... Or even show them what you wrote here.

You won't be in trouble for them. He's bluffing. He knows he's up shit creek if you report what he's done so he's trying to get you not to report him.

Report him,with WA help if necessary.

NewStartNow · 27/07/2023 19:39

Well done OP. Please just let us know when you're both safe. No need for details.
I'm sure I'm not the only one anxious on your behalf x

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 27/07/2023 19:43

I'm glad your sister and dad know and your dad is hopefully there. I hope you're ok.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 19:43

I feel even more anxious dragging my dad into this

I'm a Mum and I would be utterly devastated if my daughter went through this and didn't ask for & take my help. My partner would be the same. He has looked after her since they put her in his arms in the operating theatre and he will look after her for as long as he can; that's a parents job. It's what we want to do.

Also look at how women fare with a man being violent towards them ... They have massively more upper body strength and are usually bigger, they bully, hurt and sometimes murder women. If you have a man's help against him, take it. Cowardly bully can try picking on someone his own size.

silverspider05 · 27/07/2023 19:44

Well done for getting your sis to read the thread, and I am so glad your dad is on the way. You have been so so brave x

SMUnz · 27/07/2023 19:44

well done OP, the driving thought when I was in a very similar situation was imagining my daughter coming in and seeing the violence. I never ever wanted those sorts of images in her head. Mum on the floor begging dad not to hurt her…..in my experience things get worse not better. Hardest part is step one which you are doing. On the up after that. Good luck.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 27/07/2023 19:44

Nissy123 · 27/07/2023 19:11

Did you know you can text 999 if it's unsafe to call. Go to the bathroom and text them. They will get you out of the house. Don't worry about him saying stuff about him going to the police about you. Your injuries aren't consistent to what he's saying. You need to get out with your daughter. You aren't a bad mum, she isn't traumatised yet. She will be if you stay though. It may get even worse.

You have to register with their text service first

https://www.emergencysms.net/

SMS to the emergency services | EmergencySMS

https://www.emergencysms.net

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 19:45

He may have more money than you but as a victim of domestic violence - which you most definitely are! - you get free legal aid..

There is also an legal organisation called "Rights of women" who might help.

But WA can point you at the right legal help.

PepperBloom · 27/07/2023 19:47

Well done you have been so brave.

Let the police help you guys out, it will be important later on to have all of this on record.

The police are trained in domestic violence and they will have your back on this one.

They will probably take one look at the situation and be able to work out for themselves that he is no good.

Stay strong sister ❤️

OnlyFannys · 27/07/2023 19:50

Well done op, its very brave of you to reach out. And well done to OPs sister as well if she is still reading for taking action