The bastard slept with someone else

[TheBastard]

Sorry if this is a big jumble of thoughts, it's new information to me.

I found out that my husband slept with someone else yesterday, while I was at work and the kids at childcare. I saw an exchange of messages on Kik. I saw the icon of Kik a few days ago when I was using the camera on his phone to photo the kids so had a look when he actually left it unattended.

I feel absolutely numb. We're approaching 7 years married and have 2 kids under 6.

I will admit that the last few years have lacked intimacy because I've been exhausted with 2 small kids, one breastfed until recently. But I thought we were reaching a turning point now they're a bit older and we've started to see the end of nursery bills that take vast amount of money each month - we've even been tentatively planning holidays for the future :(

How could he do this?

I feel like I've failed the kids.

The bastard.

Oh and according to the Google maps history, he was definitely at some random address yesterday.

He can get fucked if he thinks he's having the kids 50/50.

I'm so sorry. Just here with a handhold. You've failed nobody. It's all on him.

I’m so sorry. This definitely isn’t on you. The season of life with small kids and not much time for each other is short, it’s not your fault he could think further than his pants. Is it definitely over for you?

Hi @TheBastard i'm so sorry you're going through this. It's good to be angry it will help you get through this. Here to listen xx

By the time he fits in work, dc, paying cms there won't be time, money to keep up his new found hobby.
Ltb and don't look back.

I'm sure you're hurting OP and I'm sorry you're experiencing that.

I would say that if you've not been intimate with your partner for years, that can often lead to these situations. It's horrible and I understand why intimacy can disappear but after several years, it can take its toll on the romantic aspect of the relationship. That said, if he was truly unhappy with not having a romantic part of the relationship, he should have left rather than cheat. That's on him.

I would say though that im not comfortable with your statement that he can get fucked if he thinks he's having equal custody of the kids. By all accounts if he is a good father, what has happened here shouldn't mean you can punish him through the kids.

If he's using Kik he may well be using Telegram as well.

He might be using cheating OLD such as illicit encounters or Ashley Madison.

If I were now I would keep quiet and try and catch him red handed, otherwise he'll tell you all sorts of absurd lies that you will want to believe.

If you could find out if he is online dating and catch him out there?

I am so sorry op, what a bastard he is.

Ring a trusted friend and talk it through xx

He's a twat, leave and be happy without him.

The kids are not a weapon you can use for revenge, if he's a good father, it isn't fair to deny your kids time with him even if he is a terrible husband.

If the DC were at the childminders and you were working, what he was supposed to be doing? Working as well? I'm wondering why childcare was needed when there was a parent seemingly at a loose end during the day. I hope he isn't a SAHD, because then he would have a good argument for having the DC at least 50% of the time.
Do nothing till you have taken proper legal advice and considered your position longterm.

Is he a bastard though? It's unrealistic to expect anyone, man or woman, to live without intimacy and sex. Obviously it's not great to cheat, but maybe he was craving intimacy and the Op has been rebuffing him for years? Maybe he has tried talking about it, only to not be heard? We don't know. It is soul destroying to be rejected by someone who is meant to be your sexual partner. I know from bitter experience. I haven't cheated, but quite frankly if I did, I would say he deserved it.

@CollagenQueen Two small kids, just finished breastfeeding, exhausted OP Maybe he could have talked to his wife before shagging somebody else.

Yes, yes he is.

No excuse for cheating.

My relationship has lacked sex and affection for the past few years. His choice not mine. Somehow, just somehow, probably because I'm not a spineless entitled dickhead, I've managed to not shag someone else. We've talked, nothing has improved, so I've ended the relationship and will be moving with kids next month. We'll stay good friends and co-parents. When the dust settles, I'll start looking for the things that have been missing elsewhere, but only when my children are safely with their father.

@DelphiniumBlue I'm not sure what you mean by a 'good argument' to have the DCs. Unless there are child protection issues, such as an alcoholic parent or DV, both parents are entitled to 50% time with their children. Children are entitled to see their parents equally, however bad the break up is.

@TheBastard, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Thank god you found out. Look after yourself and take each day at a time. Think through what you might say in each possible scenario (he begs forgiveness/denies it/ wants to try again/ blames you)Xxx

1. Call solicitors and make appointment.
2. Set up a new email address and keep it secret from him.
3. Screenshot the Kik and Google maps and send to your email address. Then delete them from his sent items.
4. Start sorting finances by getting all joint accounts and debts statements. Also birth certificates and passports need to be kept elsewhere (trusted friend). Mortgage paperwork, cc paperwork, loans, all need to be emailled to your new account.
5. Then go to bank and set up your own account and transfer half of your savings. 6)Have an STD check

Thank you everyone.

I should clarify, I'm not going to use the kids as a weapon. I posted previously out of shock, hurt and fear that I wouldn't have them around me every day.

Realistically, he's a fairly hands off father. His main job is ferrying to nursery and school and some dance classes when I'm not around. He puts one of them to bed while I do the other, when we're all around (he works shifts).
I do the vast majority of everything else.

Yes I've been exhausted, I work full time in a professional role. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I'm only just emerging from a funk of depression and anxiety. It's not like intimacy has been none existent - it's been maybe once a month - which I appreciate is low. But with all of the above, have I had any libido? Not even slightly.

He honestly does work hard for the family. He has a manual job and worked overtime last weekend, which is why I had no objection to him having a quiet morning at home (I assumed it'd be his games console though, not some random woman). He's not a SAHD. The kids were at childcare because we both work full time. The youngest at nursery as usual and the eldest being childminded as it's the summer holiday.

Use your own phone to take photos of the stuff on his phone - the map, the messages etc. instead of using his phone to screenshot.

He likely won’t admit it so you need this proof.

Dont tell him you know anything.

Oh my fucking god at some of these posts!!

Yes op, he is a complete and utter bastard.

None of this is your fault whatsoever.

I am so pleased you've decided to ltb. Good decision.

The fewer women who tolerate this absolutely shit behaviour, the better life might be for our daughters.

To the handmaidens above - if a mother doesn't have anything left to give to a man who is too selfish to realise that's life when you chose to have children, then he should leave before sticking his dick in someone else.

How on earth some posters above have intimated that this is in some way ok because he didn't have enough intimacy? You utter bitches.
This is totally on him, the weakling who couldn't cope without being the centre of his wife's universe for a few hard years.
What an utter twat and a big overgrown baby he is. Real men stick with their families and don't go looking elsewhere for validation.
My tips.
Don't weaponise the kids. The best guidance I've had is from an American insta account- Michelle Dempsey Multack. She talks extensively about maintaining the moral high ground and not letting your issues poison the kids relationship with their dad.
Go to a solicitor and apply for divorce now. Get copies of everything and 50/50 finances is a starting point.
Don't make rash decisions a our child care. My ex had the kids EOW and one night in the week. There's good evidence that full split 50/50 is quite disruptive for children growing up. However, the fact that I'm the main parent means I will never meet anyone else as I have no time .(Not that there's anyone out there anyway 😆)

Then he could have left and THEN slept with someone else! Instead he decided he'd cheat so he still gets his babysitter and housemaid at home.

Exactly. This is no one's fault but his own. I'm sorry OP. I've also been low and anxious for a while and have zilcho libido. We average similarly to OP and I know my husband would like more intimacy. But he would never cheat and we work through things together.

Don't listen to anyone who implies his behaviour is on you OP, victim blaming at it's finest.

Oh eff off.

My partner has struggled with intimacy for a long while, and it has NEVER crossed my mind to cheat on him. If I reached a point where I couldn't handle the lack of intimacy, I'd address the issue and if necessary end the relationship. Going behind someone's back when you have a bond of trust with them is always wrong. It's not as if you're locked in to a relationship in a binding contract. If you're not happy - leave!

Really unhelpful.