The bastard slept with someone else

[TheBastard]

Sorry if this is a big jumble of thoughts, it's new information to me.

I found out that my husband slept with someone else yesterday, while I was at work and the kids at childcare. I saw an exchange of messages on Kik. I saw the icon of Kik a few days ago when I was using the camera on his phone to photo the kids so had a look when he actually left it unattended.

I feel absolutely numb. We're approaching 7 years married and have 2 kids under 6.

I will admit that the last few years have lacked intimacy because I've been exhausted with 2 small kids, one breastfed until recently. But I thought we were reaching a turning point now they're a bit older and we've started to see the end of nursery bills that take vast amount of money each month - we've even been tentatively planning holidays for the future :(

How could he do this?

I feel like I've failed the kids.

The bastard.

So leave him!
Wtf?!

Oh fucking hell OP what a grim discovery.
I can tell you though, you’ve absolutely not let anyone down. I think you know who has. What an absolute waste of space.
lack of intimacy or not, it doesn’t mean you just become an arsehole. Sorry you’re going through this 💐

This post is mumsnet all over 😂

Sorry about what you are going through.
As a divorced person - I can tell you the same as others - short of child protection issues - each parent is entitled to 50/50.
Not that many men actually pull it off as it’s a big commitment and aren’t usually prepared to make the sacrifices needed to actually have the kids half of the time.

I also have experience with one of the ‘married dating’ sites. And - sadly - your story isn’t uncommon. There are many people in your situation - where one of the partners doesn’t have much of libido, and the other partner does want to have sex, and does not want to leave (or split) the children. Especially when they are young.
So - they ‘outsource’ sex to keep the family.
I’d say something people here won’t like - why does it really matter? Rather than forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want - maybe opening your relationship can be something that may work?

That's awful, so sorry OP. You're quite right to be angry. Please don't listen to those effectively blaming you. You have small children and whilst once a month isn't swinging from the chandeliers, it's not nothing and he doesn't sound like he's fully pulling his weight with the kids. He has behaved very badly here. Get copies of the info from Kik and Maps. You don't need it for anything other than if he decides to be a gas lighting bastard as well as a cheating one in which case at least you can put paid to that quickly.

Have a look on surviving infidelity forum
Just found out for lots of support

It's about the dishonesty and deception surely. If he had put forward that option and the OP had agreed then fine, that's an open relationship. But he didn't. He sneaked around having sex behind his wife's back. That's a big change to make unilaterally in the marriage and has a big effect on trust. Sex outside a marriage is a very negatively meaningful interaction for most people without proper agreement beforehand. I would imagine that very few people are delighted to agree to an open marriage after the fact.

@Catlord

Most people won’t do well with an ‘open marriage’ conversation, period. It happens so often that women lose their libido when having kids, or with problems in the marriage.
But we aren’t really ready for that next step - it’s too scary.

Hw chose the path of least resistance. As do many people. Majority just don’t get caught. It is not what we like to hear - but it’s the truth. Unfortunately.

I don't know what's happened to this place lately but please ignore the handmaidens OP, there is no one else to blame here but the cheating bastard himself. Do you have support around you in real life, friends or family who can help you get through the shock and figure out what you want to do next?

It's not about being handmaidens, it's the truth. You'll quite often find on mumsnet that women unilaterally decide there's no need for intimacy once they've had their children. I'm not saying it's the case here but you see it time and time again. Women say they'd much rather a cup of tea and a hobnob than sex at the end of the day and that their DH feels the same and their love goes beyond the physical. It doesn't. The men cheat, it's just not all of them get caught.

I'm not saying the men are the victims, definitely not. They could just walk out and find what they need elsewhere. In reality though they would be flamed for leaving their wife and children to 'think with their dick' and be labelled cowards and the like. They can't really win.

Well he's certainly not very nice collagen queen. Maybe he could have spoken to op before he went to the time, mental effort, money (?) to set up, plan and go through with shagging a random in the middle of the day whilst his kids were in day care and his wife was working to pay for it?

Sorry OP. Sending lots of love your way. These are the hard yards now. You will feel like shite and question yourself and everything about life as you know it. But know this. In a year, May two, you will be through it and getting over it. And you will be more resilient and powerful then you ever thought you could be. You just have to choose yourself and to swim not to sink, although it's the hardest thing ever.
But first take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Get him out of your orbit whilst you sit with the shock and make your decisions.
And don't keep his secrets for him. Because if you do it becomes somehow your weight to bear and that's not acceptable on top of everything else.

Is mumsnet full of cheating husbands today ?

Ignore half these comments, he’s cheated on you. Infidelity is something most normal relationships don’t survive. He knew the consequences of losing his family.

Exactly

Yep it’s true that lack of intimacy can be a good reason to leave a marriage but no just randomly shagging people isn’t the way to do it. You have a conversation and see if you can work it out and you separate if you can’t @Eupemiaroses that goes for you too.

I am very sorry OP. Give yourself time to deal with this. I know you are just talking in the first flush of rage - so it’s quite understandable - but don’t use access to the kids as a weapon or a threat. The kids need you both and the courts support that these days. It’s really hard but do all you can to focusing on whatever future you want.

He probably won't want them 50/50. Most men don't.

It absolutely is about being a handmaiden Eupemiaroses because nowhere in your post have you considered why those women 'unilaterally decide' there will be no/little intimacy. Did you read OP's second post? She does pretty much everything at home and works full time, she's exhausted! So yes, it is being a handmaiden to make excuses for men looking elsewhere for sex without addressing the fact that they are the reason their wives are burnt out and too tired for it!

OP came here for support and hopefully she will disregard the posts which aren't useful to her anyway but I'd think twice about posting with so little nuance if I were you.

Thank you everyone, interesting reading.

The thing is though, I haven't unilaterally decided anything about lack of sex. We had a conversation only a few weeks back. We've been having discussions because he's going for the snip. I said to him that I did acknowledge that we had a lack of sex at the moment and he agreed and said how tired he's been from work, and we mutually agreed that we've been working hard and that it's hard work having two small children and both working full time.

@HerAvatar

You could argue then, that she chose to prioritise other things and other relationships over that of the one with her husband so he chose to prioritise sex with another person over his relationship with his wife.

basically, I think people only cheat when there is something missing within themselves or within their relationship. It is never black and white but it is a betrayal of trust. I can’t see many relationships thriving once that boundary has been crossed and there is obviously something very wrong within this partnership.

I'm really sorry the thread went off piste OP, the focus should be on you, your feelings and what you want to do next, not on looking for ways to excuse your H. There is no excuse, and it makes it even worse that you were clearly acknowledging and trying to address the issue of reduced intimacy, that's why the whole 'unilateral decision' thing pissed me off so much 😊 Do you know what the next step is for you? Have you told anyone irl yet?

But apart from infrequent sex, which we both acknowledged would be short term and that we both are tired a lot right now, there was nothing wrong!

We're a family, a little unit. We're talking about family holidays for the next few years. We've just brought a family motorhome and everything

@HerAvatar no, I've not told anyone yet. He's working late tonight and most of my family etc are away. They love him though and it'll shock them as much as it has me.
Plus once I tell them, there'll be no going back from it. I'm not sure I'm ready to voice it to them yet. I need to have it out with him first.

She didn't choose anything! Who else was going to do everything at home other than her since her H couldn't be bothered? So he shirks his family responsibilities and then it's her fault for having the wrong 'priorities' when she has to do it all and is too knackered for sex? Really?!!

I can understand that TheBastard, when is he due home? I'll be around on and off through this evening if you want to talk, I hope you're as ok as possible

Goodness me, lot of unhelpful assumptions there. Never any excuse to cheat.

@Mumuser124
There is obviously something very wrong within this partnership
Er, nope.
There's clearly something very wrong with this man's effort, maturity and understanding of commitment.