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Original poster

The bastard slept with someone else

115 replies

TheBastard · 27/07/2023 13:38

Sorry if this is a big jumble of thoughts, it's new information to me.

I found out that my husband slept with someone else yesterday, while I was at work and the kids at childcare. I saw an exchange of messages on Kik. I saw the icon of Kik a few days ago when I was using the camera on his phone to photo the kids so had a look when he actually left it unattended.

I feel absolutely numb. We're approaching 7 years married and have 2 kids under 6.

I will admit that the last few years have lacked intimacy because I've been exhausted with 2 small kids, one breastfed until recently. But I thought we were reaching a turning point now they're a bit older and we've started to see the end of nursery bills that take vast amount of money each month - we've even been tentatively planning holidays for the future :(

How could he do this?

I feel like I've failed the kids.

The bastard.

OP posts:
Gadooza · 27/07/2023 18:03

Eupemiaroses · 27/07/2023 14:18

I'm sure you're hurting OP and I'm sorry you're experiencing that.

I would say that if you've not been intimate with your partner for years, that can often lead to these situations. It's horrible and I understand why intimacy can disappear but after several years, it can take its toll on the romantic aspect of the relationship. That said, if he was truly unhappy with not having a romantic part of the relationship, he should have left rather than cheat. That's on him.

I would say though that im not comfortable with your statement that he can get fucked if he thinks he's having equal custody of the kids. By all accounts if he is a good father, what has happened here shouldn't mean you can punish him through the kids.

Presumably OP has been doing the lion’s share of the childcare (particularly considering she’s only recently stopped breastfeeding). In any case, with very young children it’s important they have a primary caregiver.

50/50 is not desirable or realistic for 2x under 6 or a child that has just stopped breastfeeding.

MakkaPakkasMuvva · 27/07/2023 18:06

If a woman has had 2 babies in a small amount of time, recently finished breastfeeding, works full time, and keeps a house, it's fucking obvious that she will be TOO FUCKING TIRED FOR SEX! It's not denying the poor likkle man his intimacy, its coming to terms with a new body, dealing with the pressures of small children, meeting yourself as a mum, and having your world turned upside down. Also, I'm sure I read I read somewhere that breastfeeding kills your libido as your body releases certain hormones to prevent back to back pregnancies.

Not wanting sex when kids are small is NOT the same as denying someone intimacy. Its completely different to withholding sex because one person has the ick. A real man recognises this, rides out the storm, and supports his partner through the trenches until the kids are older and hopefully the couple can then reconnect. If not, then it's decision time. Cheating on your spouse because they are on their knees with work and family life is about as low as a person can get.

winterchills · 27/07/2023 18:12

Oh my god thats fucking awful. What an absolute twat.
Take him to the cleaners!!

OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 18:20

That's a really horrible thing for you to discover. Do you know who the woman is?

justrude · 27/07/2023 18:31

What a Prince.  for you @TheBastard

Original poster
TheBastard · 27/07/2023 18:32

OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 18:20

That's a really horrible thing for you to discover. Do you know who the woman is?

Not a clue. I only know the first name, but it's not one I've heard before. No idea where he'd even have met her.

OP posts:
Dombasle · 27/07/2023 18:33

Life is all about making choices.

His choices will have led to your marriage failing.

He could have talked things through with you if he was unhappy but instead chose to go behind your back to satisfy his sexual urges.

Whether it's a one off or a regular thing, he has been sly and deceptive which are repulsive traits in a person.

Hope you make him an ex and stand by your principles.

Jonnycakes · 27/07/2023 18:45

Fucking hell, some of the replies I read on here stagger me. One day a woman could post her H has had an affair and replies would be calling for her to leave. Other days you get replies like some of these supporting the H. Childbearing and raising children is one of the most mentally and physically exhausting things a woman does. Often picking up all housework, cooking and organising life. H gets to come home to freshly washed children, a tidy house and a meal but throws his dummy out of the pram because his wife doesn’t want to put out for him at the end of the day. Why? Because she doesn’t love him? No, because she’s fucking tired!! A real man would understand this, would talk to his wife about a lack of sex life and ask what can he do to make things better. What weight can I take off my wife’s shoulder? But no, op’s H has thought with his dick and gone straight for an affair. This isn’t how we should treat our partners. We’re not getting what we want so we go elsewhere? Those suggesting an open relationship need to get their heads seen to. If op wanted an open relationship, I’m sure she’d have brought it up before he slept around. Instead she’s supposed to let him have his cake and eat it? Jesus Christ.
Op, leave him, get him to move out and don’t look back. A man who does this at the first sign of trouble will do it over and over again. Good luck, and ignore the shitty replies.

FireflyJar · 27/07/2023 18:47

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 14:31

Is he a bastard though? It's unrealistic to expect anyone, man or woman, to live without intimacy and sex. Obviously it's not great to cheat, but maybe he was craving intimacy and the Op has been rebuffing him for years? Maybe he has tried talking about it, only to not be heard? We don't know. It is soul destroying to be rejected by someone who is meant to be your sexual partner. I know from bitter experience. I haven't cheated, but quite frankly if I did, I would say he deserved it.

Jesus yes, of course he is a bastard! It's not the OP leaving her kids with hubby while she shags other women is she!

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 27/07/2023 18:51

Op, are you sure it's not a prostitute he's visiting? Either way you need a std check urgently. I doubt it's the first time.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2023 18:56

What a bastard! Has he got any idea that you know?

airey · 27/07/2023 18:56

I’m so sorry he did this to you, git.

My best friends husband did the exact same. In the end he convinced her not to tell anyone because it was a ‘one off mistake he bitterly regretted’. For two years she tried to save the relationship but he had revealed himself as a lying manipulative git and she couldn’t trust him ever again. They are now divorcing and he is being AWFUL. Despite it being totally his fault.

I wish she’d told everyone straight after it happened. She was on her own with it for two years and he carried on like nothing happened. So please tell your friends and family, you need people to understand and support you.

Honesty is always best in the long run

all the best x

EmmaPaella · 27/07/2023 19:00

Is he a bastard though?

Yes, yes he is.

They really can’t win

Please excuse me while I go and get my tiny violin.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. As you say, what an utter bastard.

Newshoess · 27/07/2023 19:02

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 14:31

Is he a bastard though? It's unrealistic to expect anyone, man or woman, to live without intimacy and sex. Obviously it's not great to cheat, but maybe he was craving intimacy and the Op has been rebuffing him for years? Maybe he has tried talking about it, only to not be heard? We don't know. It is soul destroying to be rejected by someone who is meant to be your sexual partner. I know from bitter experience. I haven't cheated, but quite frankly if I did, I would say he deserved it.

I know what you are talking about but OP has not stated she has some type of sex issue and doesn't want to have sex with her DH because she's not attracted to him. I read several threads like that on here... this isn't the scenario OP has described.

cleanbreak2022 · 27/07/2023 19:12

Yes, he's a bastard and he is totally and utterly morally corrupt. That some posters cannot see the utter selfishness of infidelity astounds me.

You cannot reasonably climb into bed with someone if a nighttime, kiss them good night, eat the meals they have cooked whilst cheating! The sense of entitlement is unreal. I had a massive issue when my (now ex) would find it appropriate to go out and shag his affair partner and dump his pants in the laundry for me to wash! I would be home cooking him a delicious meal to come home to when I believed he was working hard for our family, when in reality he was out shagging! It's incomprehensible!

OP i was left for an affair partner when my baby was 15 mos old. I had another older child who was 7 at the time. I know too well the anguish you will be experiencing. What's done is done, and no matter which path you take, the marriage and relationship as you knew it is over. You need to grieve that, grieve the future you envisioned, the marriage you have had, the person you believed you were married to and the person you thought you were. I am so very sorry you have to walk this path, it's painful but survivable.

I'm around if you ever want a chat

FuckNuggets · 27/07/2023 19:12

Mumuser124 · 27/07/2023 17:47

@HerAvatar

You could argue then, that she chose to prioritise other things and other relationships over that of the one with her husband so he chose to prioritise sex with another person over his relationship with his wife.

basically, I think people only cheat when there is something missing within themselves or within their relationship. It is never black and white but it is a betrayal of trust. I can’t see many relationships thriving once that boundary has been crossed and there is obviously something very wrong within this partnership.

So she should neglect her children and home so her husband can have an orgasm? Is he incapable of wanking?

JimnJoyce · 27/07/2023 19:20

ignore @Mumuser124 Op. They are just trying to derail.

GiddyGladys · 27/07/2023 19:24

What an absolute cunt. I'm sorry OP

primaspiderina · 27/07/2023 20:01

Jonnycakes · 27/07/2023 18:45

Fucking hell, some of the replies I read on here stagger me. One day a woman could post her H has had an affair and replies would be calling for her to leave. Other days you get replies like some of these supporting the H. Childbearing and raising children is one of the most mentally and physically exhausting things a woman does. Often picking up all housework, cooking and organising life. H gets to come home to freshly washed children, a tidy house and a meal but throws his dummy out of the pram because his wife doesn’t want to put out for him at the end of the day. Why? Because she doesn’t love him? No, because she’s fucking tired!! A real man would understand this, would talk to his wife about a lack of sex life and ask what can he do to make things better. What weight can I take off my wife’s shoulder? But no, op’s H has thought with his dick and gone straight for an affair. This isn’t how we should treat our partners. We’re not getting what we want so we go elsewhere? Those suggesting an open relationship need to get their heads seen to. If op wanted an open relationship, I’m sure she’d have brought it up before he slept around. Instead she’s supposed to let him have his cake and eat it? Jesus Christ.
Op, leave him, get him to move out and don’t look back. A man who does this at the first sign of trouble will do it over and over again. Good luck, and ignore the shitty replies.

👏🏻

Rogue1001MNer · 27/07/2023 21:13

@CollagenQueen @Eupemiaroses

The sex board is that way ➡️➡️

This is the relationships board. It has more than just the one priority

IslaSkywalker · 27/07/2023 21:25

Some of the replies are terrible and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

PassTheSnacks · 27/07/2023 22:41

Uuuugh, so many vile responses on this thread, I'm really sorry OP, for how he has treated you and the idiocy here.

Been there myself: husband had an affair when we had a one year old and four month old, who had been seriously ill and hospitalised repeatedly.

My advice is ditch this loser. It seems like the end of the world now but you'll be much happier in the long run. Someone capable of this is not worth your time. There is nothing to fix. A man who could betray the mother of his children when she's gone through the most huge emotional and physical change and caring for babies all day knowing this could rip his family apart instead of behaving like a grownup and working to improve things with you is never going to be capable of being a decent person you can trust or respect.

I agree with the PPs who said take the moral high ground re. the kids. Just don't communicate with him any more about anything other than kids/ divorce arrangements. Your life will be immeasureably better without him in it, believe me.

PassTheSnacks · 27/07/2023 22:53

You could argue then, that she chose to prioritise other things and other relationships over that of the one with her husband so he chose to prioritise sex with another person over his relationship with his wife.

She has been prioritising her children. As any decent human being would. Shame he isn't capable of doing the same, eh? What kind of fucking manchild expects his sexual desires to be prioritised over his own children's needs? And instead of meeting some of those needs himself decides to fuck some random?

It's really sad for you that your standards are so incredibly low that you'd defend such behaviour. You're wasting your time, nobody's buying it. Good riddance to such pathetic male specimens, and in time I am sure the OP will also be glad to be rid of him now that his pathetic inability to behave like an adult has been exposed.

Maybe83 · 27/07/2023 23:06

@MakkaPakkasMuvva sorry but I disagree and actually that point of view is exactly why when kids get older couples can't get back to having a relationship and so many fail.

Yes having kids is tough as shit but accepting that everything else comes first and your relationship last isn't healthy. Accepting that it's OK to live as co parents and little more than roommates for years isn't sustainable and its on both people in the relationship to recognise that.

I am as anti cheating as they come and I think its deceitful and soul destroying but I'm not naive that I dont understand how it happens. Give enough space in a relationship and it's easy for someone's head to be turned.

And no the OP shouldn't have been taking on all of the load with the kids, home and everything else and that's problem number one before you even get to the cheating.

Whatonearth2021 · 27/07/2023 23:44

This is so important. Everyone rushes to 50:50 and there is a lot of evidence it’s not in the kids’ best interests. I have the same pattern as you and I’ve met someone wonderful - it is possible if that’s what you want.

OP - this is a horrendous shock for you. As others have said, it’s on him. Your anger is totally justified. You sound like a great mum who will make the best decisions for her family.

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