The bastard slept with someone else

[TheBastard]

Sorry if this is a big jumble of thoughts, it's new information to me.

I found out that my husband slept with someone else yesterday, while I was at work and the kids at childcare. I saw an exchange of messages on Kik. I saw the icon of Kik a few days ago when I was using the camera on his phone to photo the kids so had a look when he actually left it unattended.

I feel absolutely numb. We're approaching 7 years married and have 2 kids under 6.

I will admit that the last few years have lacked intimacy because I've been exhausted with 2 small kids, one breastfed until recently. But I thought we were reaching a turning point now they're a bit older and we've started to see the end of nursery bills that take vast amount of money each month - we've even been tentatively planning holidays for the future :(

How could he do this?

I feel like I've failed the kids.

The bastard.

@PassTheSnacks

I'm not sure why you feel the need to be 1. So sarcastic 2. So aggressive in your posting because I actually agreed with you that the OP was already carrying the weight of her relationship which wasn't acceptable before she discovered her husband cheating.

And it isn't playing trumps but pointing out that having a differing opinion doesn't mean you have no idea of the challenges women face by having children and raising them.

Rather than debate with you further and derail from supporting the OP through the shock she has received il wish you good night.

Totally agree you have to work at the marriage as well as having your kids. Bringing your kids into it is wrong and has no bearing on him being a good dad. Yes he shouldn't have cheated but it isn't matter of months your saying no intimacy which I do find a little odd I have 4 close together right now and we still have to make time for each other and tbh it makes the marriage better and stronger even if it's just an hour at night cosying up

@PassTheSnacks I just saw your last post. Again I was referring to another posters post and comments. Not the OP.

Nor did I say the OP shouldn't divorce her husband because of his behaviour. I personally would but others may make a different decision.

You need to talk and clarify exactly what happened.
Before you imagine the most logical way forward you need to know the details.

Cheating is abusive full stop. It removes someone’s right to informed sexual consent which is an absolutely awful thing to do. It traumatises the one being cheated on. There is no excuse. If he was concerned he could have had an open conversation with the OP about it but he didn’t. He chose to remove her free agency and right to informed sexual consent. He’s not a sad sausage lonely man, he’s a nasty piece of work.

Oh I'm sorry OP. The fact he also said he was exhausted with work which contributed to lack of sex when he's been getting it elsewhere is just gaslighting you.

Cheating bastard. When will you confront him?

I love men.

I hate lazy, useless, cheating arseholes, and there are a lot of them. I also hate the pathetic, desperate, pickme women who will debase themselves by defending said lazy, useless cheating arseholes.

All these comments victim blaming, stop now! Absolutely disgusting. The only person responsible for this is OP's husband.

Out sourcing sex with another is never justified due to lack of sex within the marriage for either sex. Whilst priorities such as young children F/T work, doing the lion share of domestic duties may have contributed to the lack of sex - OP's husband had a voice and should have used it, to communicate his needs not stnuck around cheating.

It seems it may be a casual hook up merely for sex rather than a full blown emotional and physical exit type affair. Whilst both situations hurt like no pain on this earth (I've been there) and either rightly may be a marriage breaker, it is the lying and total betrayal of trust rather than the sexual act that OP may struggle to forgive. OP needs to talk to her husband and go from there to determine what she wants to do. It is not for us to judge and suggest LTB.

Sending big hugs, I'm so sorry.

The man in this situation has said his tiredness is also reason for the lack of sad sex. Even by his own admission the lax of sex wasn’t down to just OP being too tired…so I’m not sure why people are citing lack of sex from wife as his reason ? He clearly WANTED to cheat or he’d have saved that energy for taking the domestic load off his wife and getting himself some rest which would mean both could have sex more, instead of over exerting himself in extra-marital affairs.

Some men really get off on sneaking around. No amount of trying to play the “cool wife” will resolve this.

I told this guy I was casually dating long distance (not having sex with ) if he wanted could continue having sex with other women as long as he was honest and used protection until we became committed to each other. I didn’t want him to of course but i was trying to be realistic and reasonable.

He said no no no he would wait for me and ofc I was pleased , only to find out later he slept with his ex and goodness knows who else.

Thankfully I didn’t sleep with him and got rid instantly, but the point is some men revel in being deceitful. I believe it’s a power move. They get a thrill out of going outside the agreed rules of your relationship

Open marriages won’t solve this. Personally I believe open marriages are an oxymoron but that’s another subject altogether…

I love men.

I hate lazy, useless, cheating arseholes, and there are a lot of them. I also hate the pathetic, desperate, pickme women who will debase themselves by defending said lazy, useless cheating arseholes.

Exactly! That's what I was saying but my comment was deleted.

Thank you all for the support.

I'm having it out with him tonight - his shifts have been opposite to my working days this week.

I've barely been able to focus on work tbh. I've been arming myself with some of these phrases from you helpful bunch.

Thank you to the people who have pointed out things I wouldn't have thought of. STDs for example. I never thought I'd be 35 and asking my GP for an STD check. Also the suggestion to take photos and email them to myself.

I've not told him yet though, lest he delete the evidence.

Good luck seems a strange thing to say in the circumstances but I hope you get the sentiment Don't think GP's do STD testing anymore btw, you'll need a GUM or sexual health clinic, think most can be done by post with a self-swab though so give your local service a call and they'll get it sorted for you. We'll be here if you need us later, I hope you get the answers you need.