Page 4 | The bastard slept with someone else

TheBastard · 2023-07-27T12:38:41+00:00

Sorry if this is a big jumble of thoughts, it's new information to me. I found out that my husband slept with someone else yesterday, while I was at work and the kids at childcare. I saw an exchange of messages on Kik. I saw the icon of Kik a few days ago when I was using the camera on his phone to photo the kids so had a look when he actually left it unattended. I feel absolutely numb. We're approaching 7 years married and have 2 kids under 6. I will admit that the last few years have lacked intimacy because I've been exhausted with 2 small kids, one breastfed until recently. But I thought we were reaching a turning point now they're a bit older and we've started to see the end of nursery bills that take vast amount of money each month - we've even been tentatively planning holidays for the future :( How could he do this? I feel like I've failed the kids. The bastard.

PassTheSnacks · 27/07/2023 23:51

Maybe83 · 27/07/2023 23:06

@MakkaPakkasMuvva sorry but I disagree and actually that point of view is exactly why when kids get older couples can't get back to having a relationship and so many fail.

Yes having kids is tough as shit but accepting that everything else comes first and your relationship last isn't healthy. Accepting that it's OK to live as co parents and little more than roommates for years isn't sustainable and its on both people in the relationship to recognise that.

I am as anti cheating as they come and I think its deceitful and soul destroying but I'm not naive that I dont understand how it happens. Give enough space in a relationship and it's easy for someone's head to be turned.

And no the OP shouldn't have been taking on all of the load with the kids, home and everything else and that's problem number one before you even get to the cheating.

So why didn't her "husband" do something about that: meet some of his children's needs himself and "make space in the relationship" for her? Why is it her responsibility to sort that out when he was the one failing as a father and husband even before the cheating, to meet his 50% of the responsibility for the workload of the family that they jointly created?

Stop excusing these pathetic, self-indulgent arseholes who think their dick is more important than their family.

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/07/2023 23:57

TheBastard · 27/07/2023 17:52

But apart from infrequent sex, which we both acknowledged would be short term and that we both are tired a lot right now, there was nothing wrong!

We're a family, a little unit. We're talking about family holidays for the next few years. We've just brought a family motorhome and everything

Oh good - with the motor home he has someplace to live for a while!

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 23:59

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 14:47

Call solicitors and make appointment.
Set up a new email address and keep it secret from him.
Screenshot the Kik and Google maps and send to your email address. Then delete them from his sent items.
Start sorting finances by getting all joint accounts and debts statements. Also birth certificates and passports need to be kept elsewhere (trusted friend). Mortgage paperwork, cc paperwork, loans, all need to be emailled to your new account.
Then go to bank and set up your own account and transfer half of your savings. 6)Have an STD check

Yes this. You also need your marriage certificate to go for a divorce. Photocopy pension statements whilst you are at it, also any ISA's and bank accounts.
Use your anger to get you started. He should have spoken to you instead of shagging around.

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:13

Oh good - with the motor home he has someplace to live for a while!

Yep!

Bag packing time.

MargretGotWood · 28/07/2023 00:30

HerAvatar · 27/07/2023 17:32

It absolutely is about being a handmaiden Eupemiaroses because nowhere in your post have you considered why those women 'unilaterally decide' there will be no/little intimacy. Did you read OP's second post? She does pretty much everything at home and works full time, she's exhausted! So yes, it is being a handmaiden to make excuses for men looking elsewhere for sex without addressing the fact that they are the reason their wives are burnt out and too tired for it!

OP came here for support and hopefully she will disregard the posts which aren't useful to her anyway but I'd think twice about posting with so little nuance if I were you.

Not specifically picking on this poster but this keeps on coming up on threads…

The Handmaids are the oppressed not the oppressors

We all know what you mean, so looking forward to being shot down for not only being a pedant but a pedant who is adding nothing to a conversation on a sensitive subject!

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:35

I also find these types of responses from the handmaidens amusing (obviously not your situation OP, that's not remotely amusing and he is indeed and utter shit who you need to get free of ASAP) because they are all about the poor little man who didn't get his needs met. 🎻

What should the OP have done? Sorry kids: no dinner or bathtime tonight because daddy needs his cock sucked?

Or perhaps these men should have recognised that most women generally need to be psychologically as well as physically attracted to someone to feel turned on and that living with a manbaby who dumps all chores and childcare on you doesn't make most women feel particularly horny and want to rip your clothes off.

So by being a pathetic loser incapable of behaving like a decent father and husband you are making yourself unattractive to your wife and therefore as well as failing generally as an adult you are also responsible for single handedly (lol) making sure your wife is never in "the mood", and therefore these men are failing to meet their wives sexual needs because they are incapable of even getting them into the mood at all. Because nobody fancies a selfish, lazy man behaving like a child. If you can't even make your own wife excited about the idea of sex with you, then whose fault is that?

27penny · 28/07/2023 00:37

But is it the same if the woman has done the lions share at home, worked full time, breast fed her kids done it all etc etc and she has got with another man.. is she a bastard, take her to the cleaners, disgusting despicable woman... and thinking with her clit 🙈 i genuinely think other than the fact that he has slept with another woman there has to be a serious problem with the dynamics in the primary relationship..

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:38

@MargretGotWood well yes, I take your point, but I think the implication is that any women who would defend such pathetic specimens of men are so brainwashed that they genuinely believe this crap, which was the purpose of the handmaiden indoctrination programme. Because no woman with independence of mind who hadn't been absolutely crushed by patriarchal doctrines in some way would defend men for such pathetic behaviour.

VeridicalVagabond · 28/07/2023 00:43

Any one of you pitiful excuses for women defending the OPs husband want to take him on then? Is that what gets your engines going, a lazy man baby who is incompetent both as a husband and father and then makes himself feel better by finding a shiny new vagina to stick his wee willy in and boost his ego? A man who literally chooses getting his dick wet for five minutes with some random over his own children? Oooh yeah, so attractive, I'm all a flutter just at the thought 🙄

Fucking handmaidens.

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:43

27penny · 28/07/2023 00:37

But is it the same if the woman has done the lions share at home, worked full time, breast fed her kids done it all etc etc and she has got with another man.. is she a bastard, take her to the cleaners, disgusting despicable woman... and thinking with her clit 🙈 i genuinely think other than the fact that he has slept with another woman there has to be a serious problem with the dynamics in the primary relationship..

It's always wrong to cheat. I would tell a woman that was a pathetic and immature way to behave also and tell a man to get rid.

But no obviously it is not the same level of vileness added on top as when a man does this to the mother of his children who has carried them, given birth to them and breastfed them and been doing 24/7 care for them as babies and then tries to excuse his cheating by blaming her for being unavailable to meet his "needs" when he's done fuck all to make the situation any better with her and make himself attractive again to her or step and behave like an adults and meet some of his children's needs himself. This all just makes it so much worse and someone who cheats in this situation is a lowlife that any sensible wife would throw out and no sensible woman would ever touch again with a bargepole, because it evidences so very many significant character flaws at the same time.

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 00:48

VeridicalVagabond · 28/07/2023 00:43

Any one of you pitiful excuses for women defending the OPs husband want to take him on then? Is that what gets your engines going, a lazy man baby who is incompetent both as a husband and father and then makes himself feel better by finding a shiny new vagina to stick his wee willy in and boost his ego? A man who literally chooses getting his dick wet for five minutes with some random over his own children? Oooh yeah, so attractive, I'm all a flutter just at the thought 🙄

Fucking handmaidens.

Wow

Man haters!

Nobody is a 'handmaiden'

WandaWonder · 28/07/2023 00:49

It's simple when men cheat they are every name under the sun when a women does its because her needs are not met, she is not getting enough attention, she is martyr to her choices to have children

A man or women who cheats is just as bad as each other but someone can slap a label on it like handmaidens or brainwashed but what is basically the same as 'you are a women you have to think the way I tell you so i will brainwash you just as much and if you don't think they way I tell you I will tell you are wrong'

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:50

Nobody is a "man hater" for pointing out that a man who is lazy, selfish, ignores the needs of his wife and children and then fucks someone else is a loser and should have his bags packed. 😆

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/07/2023 00:52

Don’t tell him you know yet. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row first.

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 00:52

Sorry @PassTheSnacks but that post was aggressive man hating

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 00:57

WandaWonder · 28/07/2023 00:49

It's simple when men cheat they are every name under the sun when a women does its because her needs are not met, she is not getting enough attention, she is martyr to her choices to have children

A man or women who cheats is just as bad as each other but someone can slap a label on it like handmaidens or brainwashed but what is basically the same as 'you are a women you have to think the way I tell you so i will brainwash you just as much and if you don't think they way I tell you I will tell you are wrong'

What are you talking about?

The OP has not cheated.

She has been caring for small children and her husband has cheated on her. He is a fucking bastard for doing that to her and to his kids and should be told to fuck off.

And yes it is way worse to do that to the mother of your children when they've been getting over the birth of your child and breastfeeding and getting up all night with your child. Any normal adult would understand this would not be a part of the relationship where you'd be likely to be having a particularly passionate sex life. And if they were doing their fair share of the raising of the baby, they'd totally get that, because they would also be exhausted and touched out. And during the lulls and slightly easier periods when there is a chance to reconnect both people would feel like doing so if the workload was being shared fairly. If one has the mental space and time to be so obsessed about sex they want to cheat and the other has no interest at all then in this particular situation, with a very young child, that is 95% likely to be an indication that the person who has the headspace and time and energy to be obsessing about sex to the extent that they go and have an affair is NOT doing their share of the work on their relationship, family life, childcare etc. So blaming the cheated on partner in this situation is gaslighting in the extreme.

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 01:03

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 00:52

Sorry @PassTheSnacks but that post was aggressive man hating

What post was man hating? Do explain. I don't hate men, at all. I will call out shit men and shit behaviour from men though, especially misogynistic behaviour, every time I see it. And I call out shit behaviour from women too, when I see it. Criticising shitty behaviour from men, and people trying to defend it, is not "man hating".

I also do not see how all of these comments from posters trying to defend the poor, poor OP's neglected husband 🎻🎻 are either fair, reasonable, or remotely helpful to her. Some idiot tried to suggest she have an open relationship? Others have effectively said "oh, poor neglected guy. The baby took priority!". So what should she have done? Leave the kid crying in a cot? Not feed the baby? No bathtime today, gotta meet daddy's needs? Although by the sound of it he's done nothing to meet hers or the children's needs.

It's not "man hating" to point out when people are not behaving in an appropriate way, and the misogynism that leads to women defending men for behaving in a manner that they'd never defend a woman for,

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 01:06

The one I quoted that mentioned handmaidens 🙄

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 01:07

@PassTheSnacks it wasn't your post so calm down

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 01:07

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 01:06

The one I quoted that mentioned handmaidens 🙄

I specifically replied about that and why the term is relevant.

Still can't see what is "man hating"?

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 01:11

CallieQ · 28/07/2023 01:07

@PassTheSnacks it wasn't your post so calm down

Oh ok. Sorry if I misunderstood.

Nothing I posted was man hating so I took massive exception to that! But must have misunderstood you referring to a different post.

I do however, stand by that many of the posts on this thread fall into "hamdmaiden" category. I literally cannot believe what I've read in terms of the number of posters making excuses for the OP's husband.

If I was her I would be throwing him out immediately. And yes, I did do so myself. Very much the happier for it. His life... not looking very happy now. 🤣 Perhaps there is karma sometimes.

Maybe83 · 28/07/2023 01:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 01:52

Oh fgs.

I have two disabled children myself. I also have a professional job. Classic Mumsnet (allegedly) mythical six figures yada yada etc. This isn't top trumps.

None of this has anything to do with what is acceptable behaviour.

Nobody said relationships should "be put last". The point is that the needs of very small children have to come first. There's no other option, is there? Other than neglect. And if one parent is doing all of that, obviously they will have no time of energy. So the one moaning that they aren't getting enough attention from their partner is most likely to not be getting that because they are not doing their share with the kid(s). And if they did, things might be better.

So instead of getting out the violins for them we should perhaps tell them to behave like an adult, step up, behave like a proper parent, and work on their relationship with their partner and put some effort into that themselves before fucking someone else and then trying to gaslight the partner who has been doing everything and convince them that it's their fault. 🙄

Canthave2manycats · 28/07/2023 01:55

Eupemiaroses · 27/07/2023 14:18

I'm sure you're hurting OP and I'm sorry you're experiencing that.

I would say that if you've not been intimate with your partner for years, that can often lead to these situations. It's horrible and I understand why intimacy can disappear but after several years, it can take its toll on the romantic aspect of the relationship. That said, if he was truly unhappy with not having a romantic part of the relationship, he should have left rather than cheat. That's on him.

I would say though that im not comfortable with your statement that he can get fucked if he thinks he's having equal custody of the kids. By all accounts if he is a good father, what has happened here shouldn't mean you can punish him through the kids.

Sorry but you are so full of shit!! The OP and her H embarked on creating a family. Being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding is not conducive to swinging from the chandeliers sex!!! The bare minimum a mum should deserve is loyalty, and support.

@TheBastard my heart goes out to you x

PassTheSnacks · 28/07/2023 02:02

Your final paragraph I also think is offensive in the context of this thread. Given the issues the OP has described, the implication is that you think she didn't value and intimate relationship with her husband or "time and space" for that. Otherwise it's not relevant to say. She in fact said she did, they talked, he accepted a lot of it is to do with him, she made it clear to him she wants that. It sounds like he did very little in reality though to put the effort in to make it happen. He had the time on his hands to, clearly, if he had time for an affair. But didn't choose to use it on his family or working on intimacy with his wife. Yet somehow it's her fault for not doing that, when she had no spare time or space at all, largely because he was too selfish to meet his fair share of family obligations?

Just no. Someone whose husband dumps the vast majority of all of child-related responsibilities on them (especially with very small children) and doesn't pull their weight in family life and then feigns surprise when intimacy declines and then lies to their face making future faking plans when they are having an affair has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and needs to be ditched immediately. It is that simple. There's no way back from that level of betrayal and disregard for the welfare of your wife and children. And anybody making excuses for it is delusional, at best.