Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

Also to add - you lost your dear dad too. That can’t be easy on you especially not having the time or space to grieve. I really feel for you.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Some people have been harsh. You're trying to keep all the balls in the air to provide your DD with a stable and happy life and of course you need her to play ball sometimes. You can't provide this without financial security.

Does she actually understand what the consequences of you losing your job would be? I'd have a chat with her about what your job pays for and what would happen if you had to leave it. I don't think 12 is too young to have a sensitive and measured conversation with her about how sometimes, even if she's not feeling great, she needs to get on with things as best she can because that's how life works.

Poor kid has had to be stuck to a timetable all year, now it’s the holidays and she has to get up and out again. I’d cut her some slack….why can’t she stay home and entertain herself, meet her friends etc, she really doesn’t need childcare at 12 if you are working from home.

Totally get your situation, I'm seperated from dd dad and main parent, I'm also self employed and have a big job on with a deadline at end of school hols, so dd has been in summer club a lot. Basically same issue, had it when at school also. Really hard to say with kindness but firmness 'I really have to do this'. One thing that helped with my dd is I booked a small holiday just for the 2 of us at the end of the job just before summer hols ends. And if she's really not into it that day I ask what would help...a promise say for special time at the end of the day. Its not perfect, and it can feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. I've also felt incredible frustration, like being crowded from all angles, also have a dp who doesn't live with me. Trying to juggle everyone's needs including my own. It's exhausting. Be kind to yourself, it's really hard x

@AnotherOneAndTwo

I'm sorry you had such a difficult childhood. Respectfully, I think you have misread this situation and are projecting a lot of what you experienced onto me.

I'm very far from being a perfect parent and I will admit I didn't handle this situation perfectly but an "hours long fury" is a massive mischaracterisation of what happened.

This. She’s old enough to stay at home or go and spend the day with a friend.

i dare say she knows how much you paid for this summer holiday activity and she can suck it up for 2 more days and then stay at home

i don’t doubt she’s struggled, but she’s seeing just hom much attention she can milk from you and fucking with your livelihood given she “really wanted to go” is a hell no.

you’re going to have to be a bit firmer. And not pick her up early again. Explain to her that you’re unavailable. Explain to the activity leaders what she’s like and they can manage it and take a realistic judgement

it’s hard with activities, they do grow out of some of them and it gets harder and harder to find something that appeals

I know I struggled with my son when he got to 9ish. I then found some really cool activities for him and he did them for a couple of years until he went to secondary and then he stayed home alone or with friends

There are millions of kind, generous mothers who HAVE to work to ensure they can house and feed their children. Being worried about losing their jobs because their children think they can just leave 'whenever' for whatever reason doesn't make them any less kind or generous.

Be more hardline' spell out your shared financial position. You must work to provide a home and food and her expenses. you BOTH have to protect your income.

Often you are bored or don't wanr to be working; you'd rather be with DD or at home. But even then, you still have to grit your teeth, keep working, get it done.

You're asking the same of her. Even if holiday club is less than wonderful, she just has to stick it out, to support you.

If she proves she is able to manage that, then next summer she might be grown up enough to stay home ; SO LONG AS she would let you alone to get on with earning a living. But it all depends on her co-operation NOW>

Some of the responses to this thread are batshit. You've done nothing wrong OP, and I think showing quite how potentially serious your DD's actions could be for your job and finances is actually really important. 12 is entirely old enough to understand. I pulled that stunt once - was jealous of my best friend who could call her mum at any time so got my mum (a teacher) called out of a lesson, essentially for a chat.

Let's just say I never did it again. The bollocking I got was off the scale and rightly so.

OP, it sounds very challenging.

At 12 and in secondary school I find it odd that people are suggesting that she doesn't get your work provides for her, and very well.

I cannot imagine a scenario where any working parent wouldn't find being repeatedly called away unnecessarily very annoying.

Ignore the posters implying you are a poor mother.

In your situation I would take on the reasonable advice.

Any hint of being unwell will be best helped by absolutely no technology or tv. Books are fine.

Start working in the evenings, even taking time for yourself under the guise of it.

Stop with so many treats and help her understand money doesn't grow on trees.

Many children go home to empty homes as both parent work.

I am a sahp and I wouldn't be happy with wolf runs to school, not to mind if I was working.

She needs jobs around the house too.
Start with showing her how to do her laundry, tidying the kitchen, cook simply snacks for herself.

I think you sound like a great woman doing your best through bereavement.

Start expdcting more from her and start using expressions like No, we cant do/buy/go there as it costs too much".

Irrespective of how comfortable we are I am very conscious of explaining how the real world works.

We have very high utility bills in a large house and I have been very firm on shower patrol!

Likewise with wasted food.

It is possible to be kind and firm with children.

Good luck.

Far too old for a summer club.

This

Yeah, screw her if she wants to do a sport she likes.

Just because she's asked to do something- why should the OP facilitate that? Paying for it and driving her there and having to start work later in order to do so.

Bollocks to it all. Parents shouldn't do things so their children enjoy themselves. You are right about that. Or make sacrifices.

If one of mine asks to be pushed on the swing I say 'no way you brat, why should I do anything you want,

BUT

If they say 'don't push me' I push them soooo hard they almost get whiplash.

I wonder if this is the start of EBSA behaviour….?

I really do have sympathy. It sounds like she wanted to go to the holiday sports club, you managed to get her there and then she has wanted collecting at first sign of trouble.
I’m similar personality wise to my dd and it’s easy to butt heads.
I always found speaking in car helpful so not facing each other. Trips to supermarket in evening when it’s quiet are another good time for us.
Once dust has settled I’d have a clear discussion about how you both want summer to be. If she’s happy at home then agree no clubs. Or if she wants a club be clear it costs money and time and she’ll have to stay unless she’s in an ambulance.
Keep talking. I think a lot of children don’t understand that butterflies in tummy is normal. Sometimes we all have to pull up our big girl knickers and crack on. Discuss strategies. What she can do as an alternative to coming home eg tell them she’s not feeling well and can she sit out for for an hour (take a book)
I’d be open about money and your job. What things cost. Mum has to work. Does she know what you do? If it can be explained in terms she’ll understand eg I need to hand my work in by 5pm and if I don’t I’ll be in trouble with my boss. They pay me to work if I don’t work I don’t get paid.
In terms of building resilience can I suggest Girlguides. It’s for girls age 10-13. I’m a volunteer guide leader. We do lots of fun activities and trips but also follow a program and a big part of it is trying new things and pushing outside comfort zone.

I agree. I'm agog at it all. Some of these responses are completely crazy.

*If one of mine asks to be pushed on the swing I say 'no way you brat, why should I do anything you want,

BUT

If they say 'don't push me' I push them soooo hard they almost get whiplash*

Nice

Nice

Pretty sure that was a joke...

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but have read all your replies. You sound to me like you're doing great, honestly, and well done for calling out the spiteful responses!

From my POV I think you and your DD are both struggling with transition and change. You are expecting a level of maturity from her which she's not able to give yet. She's potentially acting up/being vulnerable/being "childish" with you, because you are her safe space. You're perceiving this as manipulative, knowingly sabotaging you, which is understandably creating huge anger - but is probably not accurate.

You are rightly resentful of your ex for never stepping up, the school/club leaders for not assisting your DD to manage her discomfort without calling you, and your employers for demanding so much of you. But the only person you're 'allowing' your anger to express towards is your DD. This is most likely why it feels out of proportion? A lot of your frustration is situational, but it's being directed at your DD...

I know you don't want to hear it but I do think that you (and DD) would benefit from some good talking therapy. Could you see if your workplace can arrange some - maybe ask HR? Many do, especially post-Covid.

You and DD have had a rough go, have been 'everything' to each other, and now you are facing her growing up, becoming independent, and re-balancing the relationship around her growing adulthood. This transition phase is rough for almost all teens, but it's going to be worse for you two due to the complicating factors of your small and intense family unit. If you don't tackle this head on it will get worse before it gets better. Counselling could really help and is the only real solution I can think of - and I do think you both need to access it ASAP.

Wish you and DD all the best

Exactly
@GardeningIdiot it does kids good to know that their parents have feelings too, and aren’t just some kind of robot there to facilitate all their needs and wants - the latter does not set up kids up well for life at all

@MouthoftheSouth I wonder if there are some similarities here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-six-year-old-son-complains-that-his-life-is-boring-hw9h3lzrn

Different age, I know, and different presenting problem, but TB talks about the need to develop "frustration tolerance" and "distress tolerance", and it sounds like your daughter is also low on these.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

what are you on about

It’s normal in my area for tweens to still do sports or activity holiday clubs.
Not every week but at home 8-6 day in day out for 6 weeks while parent works isn’t great so parents look for things to break it up.
There’s a big play scheme type one running locally to me next week £85 a week and includes trips bowling, ice skating, swimming, sports and crafts. It’s very popular and goes up to age 14 (it’s run by a large employer but isn’t just for their staff)

Emotionally Based School
Avoidance.

It can start slowly and build up ( bitter experience)

@WoolyMammoth55

Counselling could really help and is the only real solution I can think of - and I do think you both need to access it ASAP.

Thank you for your kind post. I think you are right about counselling (as are others). I have honestly pushed it down the list of priorities because I haven't felt I could justify it for myself but it might be time to reevaluate this.