Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

Ignore all these daft cunts saying you sound angry. You’re allowed to be angry. Your daughter is allowed to be a selfish needy idiot too because she’s 12. They all are because they’re still learning. It’s your job to teach her that being a selfish needy idiot won’t lead to her getting her own way all the time but that’s ok because you still love her and will be there for the really big stuff that she really needs help with, not just because she’s bored at a holiday club and wants to go home. Being less available won’t kill her so don’t run to pick her up immediately. You sound like you’re mostly doing a great job OP!

I do genuinely understand your anger at the situation and yes, your daughter. But she's only 12 and immature, even though she sometimes may seem mature enough to understand your emotions.

I think you need to cut her some slack but I say this kindly.

Some really harsh (and in my opinion uncalled for) responses on here, OP. You sound like a very thoughtful, caring mum to me, trying to do right by everyone (except perhaps yourself!)… FWIW, I think it’s okay for our children to know when their behaviour has annoyed or made things difficult for us. I don’t have any advice to offer, I’m afraid, but just wanted to say it sounds tough.

I hear you op. My dd has had some mental health/behavioural issues and for the last 3 years really has been in and out of school or there has been some drama where I have had to leave work early to get her. The stress of managing that and the implications at work on top of helping her with her issues is off the chart. I got to the point where I couldn't do my job as I kept having to leave to get her and I felt awful all round. Even going part time didn't help.
I'm now self employed which has helped a bit. But I can't leave her for long and I find it hard to relax at any point. And yes it's very hard to not to feel pretty angry with her at times. Or angry at the situation at least. I have talking therapy and the therapist has helped me not to feel guilty about feeling annoyed and resentful at times regarding the position I'm in. Dd is 16 and old enough to know that her actions have impact. She doesn't know how that makes me feel as that would t help her, but she can recognise the practical problems it causes and acknowledge them and I don't think that's a bad thing.

At 12, she could stay at home while you work. I will only see my 11 year old when he wants food today. Different when it's school, obviously.

@GardeningIdiot

Unkind? I'm pointing out that your response seems more out of place than that of a 12 yo who has recently lost her dad struggling and not meeting your expectations.

Of course you can vent. But what you have said immediately makes me concerned for your DD.

Your overwhelming anger will affect her, whether you express it directly or not.

She hasn't lost her dad, her dad is alive and well and she is in regular contact with him (albeit he's a bit useless). We separated nearly ten years ago so she doesn't remember living with him at all. She lost her grandad (three years ago) and has had counselling to deal with this and other elements of the anxiety she's suffered.

My "overwhelming anger" as you put it is a combination of frustration at the fact that I have to do absolutely everything on my own (providing, nurturing, logistics, mental load, everything) and there is no slack in the system and no support for me whatsoever and irritation at this particular flashpoint.

Again, though, beyond keeping it under control, not expressing this to my daughter and being kind and calm with her, what specifically would you like me to do? I'm in the situation I'm in and I have to deal with it but I can't magic up an immediate solution to these problems.

I don't mind you offering tough, constructive solutions but you seem to be keeping going on about my anger as if anger in itself were a problem. Being angry in response to being in an unjust and difficult situation is not inherently unhealthy. Taking it out on your child is unhealthy but I've gone out of my way not to do that.

I know you said she loves the sport but perhaps she didn't love the make up of the group when she got there - she should stick out the one week though

So just because OP is a mother, she should self sacrifice her personal happinesss completely. She is never allowed to have some breaks be it to spend some time with a partner or whatever. She is also a human.

Could you discuss her “mild discomfort”? Did she actually feel a bit headachy or whatever or was the discomfort emotional? Both can be dealt with. I’d discuss Things We Do in both circumstances, eg if you have a headache you do A and B and then wait and reassess in an hour; if you feel a bit uncomfortable or anxious, you remind yourself that’s normal, that other people might be feeling the same, and you do C and D.

That is, try to help her anticipate problems and deal with them in a less needy way. If she knows you’ve worked out a plan together, she might be more confident. You could also talk about times you felt uneasy in a situation and how it passed.

You need to gradually disentangle a little and encourage her to build resilience. This might be a long process, but calm, careful steps, explained to her might help. I suppose the bottom line is balancing supporting her with not being at her beck and call every hour of the day. In all this, reassure her how much you love her and that you’re a team.

Firstly I think you sound like a lovely Mum and are doing a great job on your own. Your DD has obviously been through a lot and you have supported her.

At some point children have to learn that as much as we love them there is also a bigger picture where they can't always be the centre of everything. You have to go to work, so she has to go holiday club, it's as simple as that.
My DC would much rather be at home in the holidays and have grumbled last few days when they have had to go to Grandparents which I get can be a bit boring but I am afraid they have to suck it up! I have to work, their Dad is overseas, as much as they grumble, they get it. I do remind them that the reason they can do clubs, we can go on holiday etc is because we both work FT.
Children need to understand these things, the rest of the world doesn't revolve around them.

She’s not trying to sabotage you and you know this, really. I think it’s just in the moment you’re angry and stressed and you have no one else to point those emotions at. The organisers are doing their job so you know you can’t be angry with them. Your bosses need you to do the work so you can’t be angry at them either. The only thing you have the tiniest bit of control over is your daughter, so that’s why you feel like this towards her. Whilst at the same time loving her, and so being angry at yourself for feeling like that.

It’s so tough and you’re doing a good job. No one can be 100% perfect all the time - and it’s actually not good to model that to your daughter anyway! You can be cross (not raging), calm down, come back to her, say you’re sorry about being cross earlier and here’s why you were. It’s healthy.

I do totally understand she's not deliberately sabotaging and you're totally right, I'm just surprised and a bit taken aback at the level of my anger. You have expressed how I feel perfectly.

I did speak to her about this last night and I said I'm sorry sometimes if I seem frustrated and irritable but you have to understand that when you do things like this it makes it harder for mum to provide for you in order for you to do the things you want etc and no one wants that.

I know she understands in theory but it doesn't yet translate to her having sufficient impulse control. Which is fine. I get this.

Lol, are you serious?

Sorry, I misread "death of my father during COVID" as her father. My mistake.

I'm going on about your anger as that is what you have described. And it seems out of proportion to what happened, probably because, as you say, you are responsible for so much.

As I suggested above, may be looking at the intensity of your feelings in counselling, but you said that isn't possible. So I guess just an awareness that she is only 12, she is just trying to cope with her own emotions. The fact that you think she is trying to "sabotage" you when she is 12? Even if she is, it has to be in desperation at that age, not conscious manipulation.

I’m with you. That would really annoy me too. My friends son is the same and always has been. At 16 he still does it. They are never apart. He’s not out doing things with his mates like most 16 year olds. I think a little tough love is needed.

My mother was just as you describe yourself.

Consequently, I spent a lot of time worrying about how she felt and blaming myself.

I felt like a loser burden, my self esteem was rock bottom.

I had to learn empathy and family values independently of her when I grew up.
Now, I am independent to fault. And I am extremely patient with those struggling mentally and emotionally. A smile or a joke cracked at just the right moment when things are difficult can make all the difference.

I would work on your own resilience as a parent setting an example, children learn by osmosis. What is your hours long fury teaching her? You must learn to regulate your own emotions before you can criticise your CHILD for a lack of regulation of her emotions.

Do not forget also that the onset of puberty can cause a lot of emotional and physical changes and distress.

Being a parent is about making sacrifices… if you wanted lots of free time with a partner who’s company you find easier to deal with… I wonder what you thought having children was all about? It’s not your daughter’s fault that she is your dependent.

My mother messed me up in a lot of ways and stunted my emotional growth. She never said it out loud, but at age 12, I knew she was fed up of me and was miserable. I’m so sad about how unwanted and worthless I felt.

Now my mother is ageing and needs my support with some things… the step father she prioritised over me is of no help to her. I do what I can for her without complaint. I wouldn’t leave her struggling. I help her much as I would an elderly neighbour who needed a helping hand now and again.
I don’t have any real connection to her apart from being civil and available.

It’s sad, but not for me, I’m grateful not to have to deal with her too much, the memories aren’t very pleasant.

You reap what you sow.

I would start by getting your daughter assessed and establishing a system of support around her, since you are so resentful of carrying out the duties of a patient mother who models adult regulated emotions.

Bah ha ha!

@AnotherOneAndTwo

I'm sorry you had a hard time growing up, but respectfully, you are projecting a lot of your own issues onto the OPs situation.

She didn't spend hours in fury at her daughter, she was (rightfully!) annoyed and frustrated with her.

OP sounds like she is really responsive to her DDs needs, but this shouldn't extend to dropping everything each time school/holiday club is uncomfortable- especially at the cost of their financial security.

Your family situation is making this harder for both of you, which isn't anyone's fault.

You are on your own and you cannot risk your job to deal with your DD's current insecurities. As PPs have said it's a very tricky time, when they are on the verge of adult life, and can see all the worries and responsibilities in store for them but have no idea how they will cope.

I assume there are no other family member or friends' families who can share some responsibility, so your DD will have to understand that she cannot have the perfect cosy solution she wants. I think you need to sit down and explore all the possibilities that are available to you both and decide together how you are going to get through these holidays. One of these options is that she does need to give the club more of a chance, even if she doesn't feel she wants to. That's a valuable life skill in itself, and the people running the club should be able to do a bit more to help her settle in. I can't believe they aren't used to this situation.

*My mother was just as you describe yourself.

Consequently, I spent a lot of time worrying about how she felt and blaming myself.*

The OPs dd didn't worry about her mother yesterday or any of the other times.

Your mother sounds shit.

The OP sounds like a great mother to me. She's trying incredibly hard to provide a good life for her daughter who she clearly loves a great deal and makes numerous sacrifices for.

OP I understand implicity this situation on a few levels. Single mum to one DD, very very very close. Working full-time, my dad also passed away during lockdown. My DD is now 21 and has just moved away to work and that is the best thing for both of us as we both understand that we were in an almost co-depedant situation where her every whim was my first, last and only priority (rightly or wrongly) and she knew this and would often have me going to school for her, clubs, sleepovers etc. In short she was so attached to me and me to her that it got in the way of both of our lives.

I have always put my daughter first and overly so, I recognise this is because of a sense of guilt that I left her father (who was useless from age 7 - 17 but now back in the picture when the heavy lifting has all been done!). All I can say is, they do eventually fledge I promise, but it does require a nudge from mum.

The only similarities here are they involve a mother and a daughter.

And I am extremely patient with those struggling mentally and emotionally.

@AnotherOneAndTwo then I suggest you read your post again, because you’ve been massively unfair on the OP. Please stop projecting - OP is not your mother and to me she appears a very loving, caring parent.

It sounds really tough for you. I think the title contradicts what you’re saying/how you’re acting with her which is good as I think you know she’s not doing this on purpose, it’s just how you felt in the moment with your anger?

In reality, ending the day not on an argument sounds like you are a loving and caring mum. I personally think it’s okay that she sees you frustrated. All too often we try and hide our emotions from our children to protect them, but they need to understand that actions have consequences and adults have feelings too. We are all human. As long as you’re not projecting/over sharing and are telling her/displaying your emotion in a calm and balanced manner, that is age appropriate and doesn’t make her feel responsible for your responsibilities, it’s okay. If that makes sense?

For instance in this case I would explain that you are frustrated and why, but you also understand that she needs you. Could you make a plan of what she could do at home for the day? So she has some structure and a plan, and tell her she can only disturb in an emergency? Also make a plan for what you can do in the evening together so she knows that she’s your priority? So “if I get all my work done in time today, we can watch a movie later, what would you like to watch? Okay, so today you’re going to do XYZ while I work, and I need to not be disturbed and if I get it all done we’ll watch that movie etc etc”. Then if she does well, load up the praise. If she doesn’t, explain again that you’re frustrated and that you can try again tomorrow.

I don’t know if any of this helps at all? It’s so so tough being a single mum and having all the responsibility on you. Esp if dad is flaky and doesn’t help on a practical level. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t get angry and frustrated at times so don’t beat yourself up over it. You are carrying 100% of the load 100% of the time. You’re doing the best you can 💐

Op did you have to pay money for summer camp. You need to work on dd's resilience in gentle way.