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Original poster

Boyfriend slept with a mutual friend

111 replies

whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:08

Hi. I'm new to mumsnet, I really need a hand hold right now and for someone to leave nice things they got up to so I can distract myself. Maybe for some crappy ex stories so I know I'm not alone

I just ended things about two hours with my now ex boyfriend when I found out he slept with a mutual friend of ours. He was talking to someone about it on the phone and I overheard, I was mid way through packing his bags when he came to find me - He knows cheating is a dealbreaker to me so he took his bags and his friend is letting him crash in the spare room for the time being. We were together nearly six years, in the process of buying a house and we were thinking of getting engaged, I feel a bit numb to all this to be honest - It hasn't quite set in what he did. When he explained why I was torn between laughing hysterically or pushing him into the nearest river. He said he did it so he could help our mutual friend get revenge on her ex. When I asked why she couldn't have just asked any single male she knew he said it was because she trusts him more than other male friends we have, the idea is laughable to me.

He says he loves me and he's sorry about what he did. That he knows it was wrong and he shouldn't have said yes when she was so vulnerable - I think he's grovelling because he knows his Mum and Step-Dad wont let him move back in the house. As I'm writing this all down I'm now wondering if its been going on or if it was just a one time thing - I'm truly too terrified to ask either of them. She wasn't a close friend to me, but she was still a friend and she knows I'd have never done that to her.

I know I need to bite the bullet and face the music but for now I just want to curl up on my sofa with my ice cream and watch trash reality shows or a bad English sitcom from the nineties.

I hope your day's going better than mine. I really do

OP posts:
RegentCafe · 25/07/2023 14:10

This reply has been deleted

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Bluelightbaby · 25/07/2023 14:11

I’m so sorry to hear that. Your ex and ‘friend’s’ reason is ridiculous and no one would ever do that to a person they care about.

you’re better off without them and definitely before being tied down to a house and marriage

someone more worthy is out there for you xx

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I wish I could make it up. Honestly I do.
But then again I dont need to validate something I posted to someone on the internet

OP posts:
NooNaNa · 25/07/2023 14:14

Try and look at it this way;

He's just done you a massive favour.

Let him leave and grieve, then pick yourself up and put all of energy and effort into making your life truly wonderful.

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:14

@Bluelightbaby it really makes me wonder if its been going on for a while. I'm feeling a bit numb right now

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 25/07/2023 14:16

Sending love and sympathy, OP. xx

VeridicalVagabond · 25/07/2023 14:16

That might be the most hilariously ridiculous excuse for cheating I've ever heard. What a swine. He's essentially admitted that not only has he cheated on you but he's also happily taken advantage of a woman who was feeling vulnerable (not that she's innocent either, no matter how vulnerable she was feeling, sleeping with him was scummy and low). Double whammy of sleaze.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but at least he's revealed this about himself before you got married or bought a house. You can make a clean break and he can go see if this "friend" wants to take in a cheating loser. Nurse your wounds for a bit, you don't have to face any music right away. Enjoy some ice cream and shit TV.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/07/2023 14:18

He said he did it so he could help our mutual friend get revenge on her ex. When I asked why she couldn't have just asked any single male she knew he said it was because she trusts him more than other male friends we have

I'll say one thing, you have to give him 10/10 for creativity, if not logic. That's like ex expecting me to be pally with OW because according to him we both moaned about him not helping around the house.

OnceUponAWatch · 25/07/2023 14:19

He cheated on you to help her get revenge on her ex? He doesn’t value you or consider you at all then, does he? What were his reasons for cheating on YOU? (He has only given you the reason why the friend slept with him). Why does he have such little respect for his own girlfriend? He sounds like an arse (so does she) and you are better off without the pair of them.

Therealjudgejudy · 25/07/2023 14:23

He did you a massive favour.

Sending hugs

Luxell934 · 25/07/2023 14:27

Oh wow, just when you think you’ve heard all the excuses…get rid of him.

Antoninus · 25/07/2023 14:29

Block them both

Tapasgoofy · 25/07/2023 14:31

It was an ‘odd’ favour to ask your ex.
Why did she feel she was even able to ask something like that? Plus if it was for revenge then does that means other know about it when you didn’t?
I imagine it’s been more then once or there’s at least been a undercurrent between them for it to evolve to having sex.

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:39

Tapasgoofy · 25/07/2023 14:31

It was an ‘odd’ favour to ask your ex.
Why did she feel she was even able to ask something like that? Plus if it was for revenge then does that means other know about it when you didn’t?
I imagine it’s been more then once or there’s at least been a undercurrent between them for it to evolve to having sex.

One or two people knew about it, but I dont talk to them and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't heard the phone call I'd have never known. I'm thinking its been going on a while but honestly Im too scared to know the answer

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 25/07/2023 14:41

Hi @whyisntanelephantblue i'm so sorry you're going through this xx
You can go about your everyday life and sleep at night with a clear conscience, nothing will weigh you down, you will move onto better things because you haven't hurt anyone.
You are strong hun and you will get through this time xx ❤

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2023 14:45

Why did she feel she was even able to ask something like that?

Becaus she didn't. Obviously. Don't be daft, he's lying.

Emmamoo89 · 25/07/2023 14:51

So sorry this happened to you. The right one for you is out there just focus on yourself for now. Sending love and hugs x

Dery · 25/07/2023 14:51

“He cheated on you to help her get revenge on her ex? He doesn’t value you or consider you at all then, does he? What were his reasons for cheating on YOU? (He has only given you the reason why the friend slept with him). Why does he have such little respect for his own girlfriend? He sounds like an arse (so does she) and you are better off without the pair of them.”

This with bells on. It’s bollocks. And it would only be revenge (if at all) if it became public in some way. Which means he didn’t mind people knowing he’s a cheat. What a bastard. How many other women is he planning to help with his penis!?!?!?

Really sorry you’re in this position, OP. He’s shat all over your relationship and blown all trust out of the water. It’s going to hurt like hell for a while but you’ll get to a better place without this poor excuse for a BF in your life. Do you have any real life support?

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:56

Dery · 25/07/2023 14:51

“He cheated on you to help her get revenge on her ex? He doesn’t value you or consider you at all then, does he? What were his reasons for cheating on YOU? (He has only given you the reason why the friend slept with him). Why does he have such little respect for his own girlfriend? He sounds like an arse (so does she) and you are better off without the pair of them.”

This with bells on. It’s bollocks. And it would only be revenge (if at all) if it became public in some way. Which means he didn’t mind people knowing he’s a cheat. What a bastard. How many other women is he planning to help with his penis!?!?!?

Really sorry you’re in this position, OP. He’s shat all over your relationship and blown all trust out of the water. It’s going to hurt like hell for a while but you’ll get to a better place without this poor excuse for a BF in your life. Do you have any real life support?

I have a few lovely neighbours who I occasionally do Friday night dinners with and I have a few work buddies I can talk to if I need anything, I know they're all at the end of the telephone if I need someone. Most of my friends are his friends and my family live too far away from me to just drive up for a cup of tea or coffee

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 25/07/2023 14:56

I'm so sorry this happened

But if he's the sort of person to cheat, better to know now

I'd suggest you don't torture yourself wondering what's been going on / how long etc. It won't help you, and doesn't matter now

Hold your head high, you did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault

Perhaps book a holiday with eg Exodus, so you have something to look forward to

Take one day at a time. Focus on your own wellbeing. It will be raw at first, perhaps for some time. But you will move on and find happiness again

Weddingpuzzle · 25/07/2023 14:57

'I will help you out emotionally by putting my penis you and your ex will be well upset and you'll have revenge' - does he think you are a fool? I'd have to have pushed him in a river for even having the audacity to come out with such absolute bullshit and thinking I would swallow it!

Shapemyeyebrows · 25/07/2023 15:04

@whyisntanelephantblue his reason for cheating is bollocks but it would even worse if that’s actually true. Who does that?? Its not even a logical excuse, surely she could have just told the person she was making jealous she had slept with someone, it didn’t have to be him and he didn’t have to actually do it! I wouldn’t be surprised if something has been going on a while between them, they sound like a right pair. You don’t need people like that in your life. Steer clear from him and that friendship group, it sounds very high school ish and not normal behaviour. I know it will hurt like hell now but I really think he’s done you a favour, doing this before you tied into a mortgage and marriage with him. Is the house you are in now yours?

PoshPineapple · 25/07/2023 15:07

Aww, I'm so sorry - what a double whammy this must have been for you.

I'm too old in tooth for meaningful relationship advice, but short term - you know what I'd do?

Curl up on my sofa with my ice cream and watch trash reality shows or a bad English sitcom from the nineties.

And do it for as long as you need. There's time enough for all the sorting ahead, right now you just need to be kind to you. Ps. Only Fools and Horses is my go to when I don't want anything that's going to make me cry, think or reflect too much!

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 25/07/2023 15:10

I know it oesn't seem like it now but you are well rid of this eejit and will thank your lucky stars in time that he's out of your life.

He sounds stupid af and that can't be attractive anyway. He won't have transformed from Einstein to idiot overnight. I'm sure his immature & stupidity have give you cause for concern in the past.

MadeForThis · 25/07/2023 15:11

He's an awful liar.

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