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Original poster

Boyfriend slept with a mutual friend

111 replies

whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 14:08

Hi. I'm new to mumsnet, I really need a hand hold right now and for someone to leave nice things they got up to so I can distract myself. Maybe for some crappy ex stories so I know I'm not alone

I just ended things about two hours with my now ex boyfriend when I found out he slept with a mutual friend of ours. He was talking to someone about it on the phone and I overheard, I was mid way through packing his bags when he came to find me - He knows cheating is a dealbreaker to me so he took his bags and his friend is letting him crash in the spare room for the time being. We were together nearly six years, in the process of buying a house and we were thinking of getting engaged, I feel a bit numb to all this to be honest - It hasn't quite set in what he did. When he explained why I was torn between laughing hysterically or pushing him into the nearest river. He said he did it so he could help our mutual friend get revenge on her ex. When I asked why she couldn't have just asked any single male she knew he said it was because she trusts him more than other male friends we have, the idea is laughable to me.

He says he loves me and he's sorry about what he did. That he knows it was wrong and he shouldn't have said yes when she was so vulnerable - I think he's grovelling because he knows his Mum and Step-Dad wont let him move back in the house. As I'm writing this all down I'm now wondering if its been going on or if it was just a one time thing - I'm truly too terrified to ask either of them. She wasn't a close friend to me, but she was still a friend and she knows I'd have never done that to her.

I know I need to bite the bullet and face the music but for now I just want to curl up on my sofa with my ice cream and watch trash reality shows or a bad English sitcom from the nineties.

I hope your day's going better than mine. I really do

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 25/07/2023 15:15

I can't believe not only is he a cheating scumbag, but he has made it out in his own head to have been an act of chivalry!!!

Jeeeeeez OP what a weirdo.

I'm glad you have friends you can call on if you need them.

Watch some trashy soap opera or something, it's a better use of your time than wasting a moment longer on heartache for this loser.

Not your fault, so don't take it personally. Better luck next time Flowers

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 25/07/2023 15:17

Sorry to have to bring this up, but please get STD tests.
Take care of yourself.

pontipinemum · 25/07/2023 15:18

What an idiot! You are so much better off without him and thankfully you aren't married.

His excuse to to help the friend get revenge on her ex is so stupid. So the friend gets revenge for presumably something stupid her ex did, by him cheating on you?!

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 15:18

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 25/07/2023 15:17

Sorry to have to bring this up, but please get STD tests.
Take care of yourself.

That's the first thing I did when I shut the door as he left. I called my GP and booked myself in. I'm going tomorrow at nine am

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 25/07/2023 15:19

He's done you a favour. Would you really want to be engaged to, and marry, someone who could do that. He's not who you thought and you're better off out !!

KatherineSwynford1403 · 25/07/2023 15:26

He's ridiculous and good for you that you can see it. Lucky escape.

StellaJohanna · 25/07/2023 15:38

You dodged a bullet, pet-lamb.
Thank God it happened now and not when you were married with a house and children. You are free. Don't think you wasted 6 years - you haven't - every relationship teaches us stuff.
You probably feel sick, heartbroken and horrified. Meanwhile, your brain is taking in what has happened and making sense of it. That will take a while. It will pass. One day soon, all the love you had for him will fall away and you will see what a lying, manipulative cowardly bastard he really is.
My advice is to completely cut all contact with him, and I mean ALL. That will allow you to recover much faster.
Have a wonderful life.

Whataretheodds · 25/07/2023 15:40

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. It won't feel like it but you are in a MUCH better position than you were 24 hours ago. You're no longer planning on buying a house and getting married to this lover. You've dodged a bullet.

I'll say to you what I say to myself and anyone else feeling heartbroken. Focus relentlessly on looking after yourself. Do the things that bring you joy and are good for you. Spend time with people and things and spaces and sounds that bring you joy and hope.
Do a good bit of wallowing, by all means, but set limits for yourself.

You will get through the other side and be so grateful that you are no longer with him.

Lavenderandbrown · 25/07/2023 15:47

You sound strong and brave to me OP. Put him out the door ✅ gp appointment ✅ waiting for you to say both blocked. DO NOT SADDLE YOURSELF WITH A CHEATER. Six yrs you will see is short compared to 10/20/30 years and I absolutely believe (almost )all cheaters will cheat again. It’s their solution to problems and they will re use the same solution. Everyone has experienced cheating either themselves or someone near so don’t be ashamed of his behavior. Tell straight out….he cheated and I was done. Clean shop read exercise redecorate take walks nap. Make a list of ways to distract yourself from the pain he has caused. Smart girl like you will find a better partner for sure. And give yourself time to find him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 15:50

Awful pathetic guy needed an ego boost and took it it's embarrassing. What a loser.

Who was he talking to about it? And how was it talking about it like he was ashamed or having a laugh or just casually?

Theunamedcat · 25/07/2023 15:53

How did he even think you would swallow such a lie?

StellaJohanna · 25/07/2023 15:58

Sorry forgot to add - you asked for crappy ex stories:

I was engaged and we were living together &saving for a house. We had been together 5 years. I caught him having sex with my best friend who was also my boss. I walked out of our rented house in a dress and flip flops with a carrier bag with a few bits in and never looked back, never spoke to him or saw him again. I packed in my job straight away, because I couldn't work for the best friend any more. I had no home, no best friend, no fiance and no job. I never spoke to her again either, despite many letters, which I ripped up, and telephone calls and I just put the phone down every time. Everything came together eventually after three years where I had to rebuild my life. I couldn't even stay in that area - I had to go to a new place for my own well-being. I never wanted to bump into the bastard. I met the man who was to become my husband 3 years later.

Interestingly, I bumped into the ex-fiance's Mum a decade later. She told me he had become addicted to cocaine, had been in and out of prison for violence and died after having a massive fit in a pub aged 32. I felt so blessed that I had not been around this man a minute longer and that I was set free.

Monster80 · 25/07/2023 15:58

Does he have any hot mates? Sounds like you should see if they will help you level the score, after all, it’s only fair 🤣

Turfwars · 25/07/2023 16:08

My go-to heart break remedies are:
Make all the food you like but could never cook because he didn't like it.
Plan lots of nights out with friends.
Change something up - I cut my hair, always wanted to try it but ex "hated" short hair.
Get busy, take up a hobby or an activity.
If you have little appetite, soups and smoothies are better than nothing.
Put together a kick-ass play list
Block him on everything. Avoid the usual haunts.
Get totally new bedding or do a massive clear out. Box up all photos and memories and get it up into your parents attic, you can be ruthless with those things in a year's time.
Counselling.

MadamWhiteleigh · 25/07/2023 16:11

for now I just want to curl up on my sofa with my ice cream and watch trash reality shows or a bad English sitcom from the nineties

Completely acceptable to do this, BTW

FairAcre · 25/07/2023 16:20

So sorry for you. I hope things are straightforward and you haven't already committed to buying a place together. He really is an arse and you are better off without him.

AutumnCrow · 25/07/2023 16:30

whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 15:18

That's the first thing I did when I shut the door as he left. I called my GP and booked myself in. I'm going tomorrow at nine am

Show quote history

That's good you have a GP that does that kind of thing so promptly. I'm very pleased for you. Round here it's the GUC or nowt. As a pp said, he really is a swine.

Joeylove88 · 25/07/2023 16:34

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. What an absolute piece of shit your ex is! And so called friend! There are no words that can truly describe the stupidity of his reasoning for doing that to you. I do think that he's done you a favour although it's very painful right now and will take a while for you to get over this betrayal you don't need that twat in your life. As for her well she clearly has no boundaries or respect. I would definitely be blocking them both and having a fresh start without either of them (but especially your ex) in your life in any way shape or form. Out of sight out of mind.

empatheticpretzel · 25/07/2023 16:35

relationships are meant to be intimate and the love you feel from your partner is meant to be private between you, not shared with another woman, unless you're into that. When people get cheated on I always think it is very intrusive, like they have intruded on something incredibly personal. Oh, the idea disgusts me

goingcrazy142904 · 25/07/2023 16:37

Sorry to hear this OP. What did you over hear? Is there no chance you've got it wrong? Hope you're okay x

Original poster
whyisntanelephantblue · 25/07/2023 16:42

goingcrazy142904 · 25/07/2023 16:37

Sorry to hear this OP. What did you over hear? Is there no chance you've got it wrong? Hope you're okay x

You can't get "I slept with chloe to help her make kyle mad.. no whyisntanelephantblue has no clue" wrong. you just can't.

OP posts:
Zonder · 25/07/2023 16:43

What a bastard. Well done for getting rid.

LadyLolaRuben · 25/07/2023 16:44

Together 6 years, buying a home together, about to get engaged...then he shat all over it! Doing a mate a favour at the expense of his relationship. Never heard anything so pathetic. How heartbreaking OP. You could never trust him again. Im so sorry...seek refuge in your friends. You deserve so much better x

babayhaga · 25/07/2023 16:46

So you are dumping him right?

billy1966 · 25/07/2023 16:48

However bad you are feeling, it is possible to feel worse if that house had gone through and you had money tied up with him.

THAT is so awful.

Not being able to kick him out and having to share space until the house issue is resolved and possibly loosing serious money in the process.

Years ago this happened to the sister of a friend.

She got over the cheating bastard, but the money lost stung for longer.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Don't suffer silently.

Reach out and let friends distract you with their support.

You will get through this.

So much better to know, despite the hurt and pain.