Elaborate rejection or genuine response

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I met someone just over a month ago on a weekend break, we've been in contact for just over a month and been on one date, we both have children and work, he has a full on stressful job which from the start he warned me about. Initially he said he wanted to meet but needed for work to calm down first, but then he contacted me a few days later and reconnected again.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I asked if he was seeing anyone else and I would prefer to leave it, but he said he wasn't. He sends photos of his kids all the time which I thought was a bit full on, but nice.

We arranged to meet this week, but after 3 days of silence I wrote it off. He then sent me this message:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

I don't know how to take it tbh. I can't tell if this is an elaborate excuse?!

This was my response:

Hello, thanks for your message.
I totally get how busy things can become. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like. But something I really value is consistency. Cutting contact for long periods of time is not cool at all.

Happy to keep in touch, just next time communicate when things get a bit much in your life instead of disappearing 😉

Have a lovely evening x

Sounds like a good response from you. If you are ok with just leaving it flexible and keeping in touch, that’s fine. However don’t put your life on hold waiting for him. If you keep your options open to meeting other people and someone else comes along, that’s his loss!

My thoughts are that he he just putting me on ice while he dates someone else! 😬

I don’t know that he is seeing someone else but he just as well maybe with that confusing and self indulgent text. I met my DH through the then version—33 years ago—of OLD. If a man is intrigued by you there is nothing they won’t do to see you. If not:not. I don’t care how busy they are or how many demands they have on them. If a guy can’t be buggered to text you and isn’t planning to see you every free minute then he’s just not that into you.

My thoughts too, to not even have the time to be able to text someone...really? Not that I've been stalking him 😂 but he has been online this morning on WhatsApp quite a bit this morning...so I'm not buying it.

His job is known to have long hours, so I do get it. And even when we first met, he mentioned that he was going though a horrible time at work at the moment. So I think to some degree he is being truthful, however to not even be able to message just shows lack of interest.

I'd bin him.

@pikkumyy77 I didn't intend to reply to this thread but seeing your response really spoke to me. I am somewhat similar situation and OP , @pikkumyy77 is exactly right . We want so much to think the best scenario for ourselves . The truth is what she stated . I know I am going to act accordingly, suggest you do too. Not easy is it though .😕

I'd take it a face value tbh

I have an old, intermittent friend, who - after both our marriages ended, I thought (and still think) we fancied each other.

But the reason that he was an intermittent friend is because he is genuinely insanely busy at work, plus he has had a bit of a difficult time with his DC recently. I doubt very much he's seeing anyone, because I know just how busy and complex his life is - because I've known him (on and off) for 15+ years. If I'd only known him a month, I'd have thought it was a brush off.

So although I sometimes wonder (hope? I think he's lovely) that one day the stars might align, I'm not planning my life on the basis. I'd say stay in touch if you want to (who knows what the future may hold) but don't consider him a prospect - what's going on in the rest of his life means he's unavailable. And that unavailability remains true even if there are further reasons he's not disclosing

Your message to him was good.

Oh it's easy for me, I just delete and move on! I try to give the benefit of the doubt, but quickly move on if I sense someone is stringing me along,

I'm worth way more that this! 😂

Plenty of my working divorced friends feel overwhelmed during holidays juggling it all. And they’ll write could write the exact same message.
It doesn’t matter if they are male of female.

The often repeated mantra - ‘if the man wanted to see you - he’d be dropping everything in his life to chase you’ - is silly. And, frankly - the kind of man who’d be dropping responsibility to chase you - isn’t really the best long term partner potential.

The fact that your first assumption is that he is dating someone else - is more about your experiences and insecurity. You sound sane and normal in your response to him. Try to hold on to that. But on here, unfiltered - you sound hurt and wounded.

You met in real life, not on a dating site. This is how it used to happen with people - people just met. Sometimes they were looking and ready for a relationship. Other times - the timing wasn’t perfect. He sounds nice - he likes you, but is in a busy time. Holidays will be over in a few short weeks.

Up to you as to how in a hurry you are.
Nothing stopping you from dating others, and chatting (or not) to him.
It doesn’t have to be a drama.

Thanks, the only reason I can to the conclusion that he was dating someone else is because he told me when we first met 🤣 He said it wasn't serious, and that they had been dating for a couple of month. So my suspicion didn't come out of nowhere....otherwise I wouldn't of said anything.

I'm low drama generally, but I have a child and want a genuine connection with someone decent. I've learned to weed out the bad ones early.
B

But I definitely will keep my options open! We're off on a lovely holiday soon, you never know 😉

But its true that if someone wants to be with you they will make time for you. That doesn’t mean they should abandon other responsibilities (its not desirable) but if they can’t prioritize contact with you to bring a relationship into being there isn’t going to be a relationship. Whether that is indifference or inability doesn’t matter.

I agree, I don't really understand what he means by 'keep in contact' it's one of those general terms! So does that mean, he touches base once a month or daily?! God knows, but it won't be me initiating contact.

He is just messing you about op. I was dating someone like this a couple of years ago. (Might even be the same person as his texts were very similar 🤣). But yes the man I was dating would use the being ‘busy at work’ excuse to disappear (conveniently around the same time we had decided that we should arrange another date). The problem with people like this is they crave the attention but get flaky as soon as you arrange a date. They might even go on one or two dates with you but ultimately they just end up messing you about in the long run

I'd take it at face value.

I have a job that has insanely busy periods (I've just come out of one) and, tbh, for the last month or so, I didn't have the energy in the evenings to have a conversation with my daughter or partner let alone text or meet up with anyone. I was largely monosyllabic outside of work. My head was mashed. I had several unread messages when I finally resurfaced because I just didn't have the headspace for it before.

But that isn't someone you want to be entering a relationship with either. Or waiting around for.

So I'd take it at face value and accept it as a genuine reason but also write him off.

Some people's jobs are like that. During busy periods, I can work 12-17 hour days. It's not really a case of if I cared I'd make the time. And I'm mentally, physically and emotionally drained at the end of them.

But, as I said, it's not your problem and not something you want in your life!

It doesn’t matter whether it’s an elaborate rejection or the reality.

A message like this would tell me he is not ready to date and I would step back. What’s the point if trying to pin down someone who doesn’t want to? why putting you in a situation where you’ll be wondering what’s going on each time he goes quiet?

The ‘I’m really busy right now’ reminded me if this video though..
https://fb.watch/l-qBDqBSRr/

I would agree with this sadly, I think he's just not that into you. The fact that he had a weekend free without his kids and didn't really bother responding would bug me.

Even if he's not lying about how busy he is, the truth is it doesn't really suit you - you are clearly looking for someone who can give more of their time and energy than he can. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy or anything, but many he's not right for you right now.

I personally wouldn't be waiting around for more excuses.

I think he's genuine, but I wouldn't want to be dating someone that busy and apathetic about seeing me.

I couldn't be doing with all that waffle so early on. I would just have replied "sure thing" then see how I felt if he ever got in touch again.

Besides, anyone using the word "bandwidth" outside the context of a zoom meeting would be a write-off for me!

I had something similar with a guy and came to the conclusion he was dating someone else but not sure if that’s the same with your guy. Either way I deleted his contact so I don’t ever felt tempted to send the “hey stranger” kind of text lol

I agree with others that men like that will probably end up disappointing you in the long term.

To be honest I'd be off when he said he was dating someone already but after a few months it wasn't serious for him to not go on other dates

After a few months he's still dating around. He either moves glacially slowly or he's just not that committed to anyone.

Does it matter what the reason is, or whether his excuse is true?

The end result is the same, he doesn't have time to date you. Maybe you get through the first day, and the second, but this is going to keep happening.

I'd chuck him now, it's just not going to work.

Even if he has a full on job and has his kids every other weekend he should still be able to carve out every other Friday night to have some downtime. If you aren't seeing him every couple of weeks you are not a priority of his. So park him and keep looking.

Ive got one like this just now OP!

I'm taking it at face value but I actually think he can't be arsed. Reckon it's about to fizzle. I feel you, it can be a real disappointment!

I think the dropping all to see you is valid when someone doesn’t have any responsibilities-you can afford to be spontaneous if you don’t have to think of others. But a man who did that with children and associated responsibility wouldn’t go down well with me. I’d take it at face value but regard it as maybe right man wrong time-he doesn’t sound as if he’d be able to fit someone in his life if he has to give a lot of energy to other things going g on.