Elaborate rejection or genuine response

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I met someone just over a month ago on a weekend break, we've been in contact for just over a month and been on one date, we both have children and work, he has a full on stressful job which from the start he warned me about. Initially he said he wanted to meet but needed for work to calm down first, but then he contacted me a few days later and reconnected again.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I asked if he was seeing anyone else and I would prefer to leave it, but he said he wasn't. He sends photos of his kids all the time which I thought was a bit full on, but nice.

We arranged to meet this week, but after 3 days of silence I wrote it off. He then sent me this message:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

I don't know how to take it tbh. I can't tell if this is an elaborate excuse?!

This was my response:

Hello, thanks for your message.
I totally get how busy things can become. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like. But something I really value is consistency. Cutting contact for long periods of time is not cool at all.

Happy to keep in touch, just next time communicate when things get a bit much in your life instead of disappearing 😉

Have a lovely evening x

He hasn't blocked me, the account is deleted. I've tried adding his number to my normal contacts and it's asking me to send him a request.

I know when you block someone you can. Still seem them in what's app but you can't seem them online/profile picture etc. I've checked because I've blocked a few oddballs from OLD before.

I would just let it go. Sounds like he knew you were a catch. Well, he’s lost his chance now. You’ll meet someone nice soon.

Not sure that he knew I was a catch, otherwise why would he completely delete what's app 🤣

But yes I am leaving it now, what a totally head fu*k of a man. Why send such an elaborate message in the first place!

Sorry to drag this one back up again, but I'm having a moment of self doubt..I haven't heard from him. I didn't expect to until after our holiday (we're both away at the same time). But when I mentioned my response to my sister, she said I was overly harsh when it's such early days and that I probably wouldn't hear from him again!

Was my response overly harsh? I thought I was just conveying my standards. This is more just for me to learn what to do next time if this happens with someone else.

No sorry your response was not harsh! He was the harsh one for disappearing. If he can’t be arsed to communicate then the issue is with him and not you. He has deleted his whatsapp without so much as giving you a second thought so I’d just leave it at that. I’m sure he will reappear again after a few months or whatever just to continue his game. Move on op he is just a waste of space and energy

He hasn't deleted his what's app, that's my fault! I didn't put his number in correctly! 😂

Ok, thanks. I didn't think it was harsh either. I don't want to be a doormat for someone.

This is all valuable lessons for when I hopefully meet the right person!

He sounds like a very arrogant PITA.

Your filters are well tuned. Respect them

What's a PITA?! 😂

Okay...I'm going to be pilloried on here, but I did think it was a bit harsh, actually. I didn't want to say so before, but yes that was my instinctive initial reaction.

I think he sounds quite nice.

I think I replied to you saying that it was his loss, but I think that was in response to you saying he had deleted his watsapp. Because if he had pied you off (as the youngsters say?) it would be his loss.

Pain In The Arse

Oh no! I'm worried my message may of been too harsh now 😩

I guess I can't really go back on what I've said now..

I think it stemmed from the fact he said that he was seeing someone for a couple of months when we first met, yet he was ok kissing me 😬 And then he disappeared in the weekends that he didn't have his kids...

So I instantly went to worst case thinking. Especially as I asked him if he was still seeing the girl, if so then I'd prefer to leave it and he said that he wasn't.

Not sure what he must think of me now, did it come across as needy?

You have not been too harsh op! He arranged to see you again and then conveniently dropped off the face of the earth just beforehand! He did it on purpose! All these people saying you are harsh probably don’t have experience of being treated like this. I do! And have been treated like this enough to know that people like this are a waste of space and will never change. They are very passive aggressive and will just play pathetic passive aggressive games! There was absolutely no reason why he couldn’t communicate with you and let you know he couldn’t make it, instead he conveniently ghosted you for a few days! And now he has deleted his WhatsApp without so much as a word to you!

Thanks LittleBoPeep. I went with my gut instinct that something didn't feel right. I think what my sister had an issue with is that it's early days, we met once on a weekend break for a few hours, chatting for a few weeks and then had one date. So perhaps I expect too much for consistency so early on? But I was just putting to dots together and would see a pattern. He was full on at first, messaging all day good morning texts, good night texts and messaging all through the day. But after a while it became less and less using the 'busy' line. No I do know he is busy, but how did he have time to message me before all the time? He set the expectation.

This is my thing, I always worry have I sabotaged a good thing but trying to asset myself. But I don't want to be a door mat either.

Expecting consistency too early on is one thing HOWEVER he TOLD you he wanted to go on another date with you, arranged a day to see you again and then conveniently ghosted you. Thats not expecting consistency that’s expecting someone to go ahead with plans that THEY made with YOU without letting you down. It’s just game playing and being downright rude in my opinion. He knew what he was doing, if you’re too busy to meet it’s easy to send a 30 second message explaining that he can’t make it but would like to see you some other time when he is less busy! Honestly op I have had this done to me before, it was on purpose and he has now deleted his WhatsApp, or probably changed his number and assigned his new number to whatsapp instead! He has made it so that you can’t contact him (at least via WhatsApp). If he was that bothered about letting you down and seeing you then he wouldn’t have deleted his WhatsApp without letting you know! He knows he has done wrong by disappearing before the date. You don’t need people telling you that you are being too harsh, you are not! The fact of the matter is he just was not interested enough to keep you around in his life before disappearing off WhatsApp.

Ah sorry, I need to explain (not making excuses for him) But he sent his message a couple of days BEFORE our date. He just disappeared for a few days over the weekend he didn't have his kids and then sent the message.

I deleted his contact, but then stupidly over the weekend I re-added it incorrectly! So his number didn't show up. God I'm sounding so silly now 😂 But he is still on WhatsApp, he hasn't deleted it!

I think it depends on what you’re looking for. If you want someone to date casually, he seems nice! If you’re wondering whether you’ve found the love of your life: you haven’t. We all know how it feels when we’ve found that indescribable spark and we can’t to spend time with someone. And in that scenario, there’s always time for a weekly coffee, lunch, or even a quick FaceTime chat to maintain the connection you value.

I want to meet the love of my life and I'm ready for it now. I've been single for a long time now, focusing on my child who is 8. I want something special. I think he wants that too but his job is too full on to allow it I think.

As someone who always keeps things spicy with my DH of 10 years (we have two DC and 3rd on the way), we are very much of the opinion that you make time when you meet the right person. If this isn’t there from the start, the outlook for 20+ years down the line isn’t promising. Work will be there for a long time and so that won’t change. We’ve seen a lot of break ups in our time and it seems like many of them never really had that passion to see them through from the get go. Don’t settle - hold out for someone who can’t believe his luck he’s found you and makes the time!

You are so right. I think it's a case if he just isn't into me 😂

My friends who were with me when I met him, what the best for me and have been encouraging me to see him. They thought his message was lovely and that he genuinely seems to really like me 🤣 But they are in secure healthy relationships, I know what men are like to date in 2023...

Even so op, he just sounds like a waste of space. He probably disappeared for a few days to ponder over whether or not he actually wanted to go on the date. You were not being harsh, he seems all talk and no action plus he’s disappeared off WhatsApp so just shows how much he thought of you

That's what I thought too, he was wondering if he wanted to go on the date and then bailed. So why the long extravagant message about meeting up after our holidays which take place next week. If I wasn't interested I wouldn't bother saying much at all, just a I don't see this going anywhere but it was nice meeting you type message!

Silence sends a much stronger message!

What an absolute load of blah.
He wants occasional sex. No questions, no commitment. Besides if he's so immersed in his work that he's no time for you, why would you even still be speaking with him? As for sending you pics of his kids - please. He just wants to appear "worthily busy" so that when he shows up for the very occasional shag, you'll give him a pass and not ask or expect to see him again soon. You're expending way too much brain energy on a man you don't know and sounds tiring. Why not just get rid and move on?

Thanks...😊 I'm feeling a lot better about things now. I'm now NOT regretting sending my message.

And happy to move on!

Honestly, I was dating someone exactly like that! Sent extremely long messages too but bailed on dates because he was ‘extremely busy at work’. People like this like the idea of a connection and the attention it brings but are commitophobes who get scared when one meet up turns into more. They are all talk but cannot deliver.