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Original poster

Elaborate rejection or genuine response

104 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 25/07/2023 11:25

Hi all,

I met someone just over a month ago on a weekend break, we've been in contact for just over a month and been on one date, we both have children and work, he has a full on stressful job which from the start he warned me about. Initially he said he wanted to meet but needed for work to calm down first, but then he contacted me a few days later and reconnected again.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I asked if he was seeing anyone else and I would prefer to leave it, but he said he wasn't. He sends photos of his kids all the time which I thought was a bit full on, but nice.

We arranged to meet this week, but after 3 days of silence I wrote it off. He then sent me this message:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

I don't know how to take it tbh. I can't tell if this is an elaborate excuse?!

This was my response:

Hello, thanks for your message.
I totally get how busy things can become. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like. But something I really value is consistency. Cutting contact for long periods of time is not cool at all.

Happy to keep in touch, just next time communicate when things get a bit much in your life instead of disappearing 😉

Have a lovely evening x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 31/07/2023 18:31

Yep this is EXACTLY what I thought too 👍

OP posts:
pamplemoussemousse · 31/07/2023 19:50

Cherryblossom200 · 31/07/2023 17:14

I want to meet the love of my life and I'm ready for it now. I've been single for a long time now, focusing on my child who is 8. I want something special. I think he wants that too but his job is too full on to allow it I think.

He is 100% not the one for this. A bullet dodged!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 31/07/2023 19:57

I suspect he will contact me when I'm on holiday. Just to check in with me, not because he is serious about seeing me. So let's see what happens. I predicted that he would cancel on me...so I should be right about this too!

OP posts:
chezpopbang · 31/07/2023 21:04

Why are you letting him have all the power? Keep chatting to other people, actively dating and let him come to you. If he does it shows he is interested if not you still have other options.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 31/07/2023 21:06

I absolutely will keep my options open, I may find my Prince Charming on holiday 😉

I've written him off. Even if he does come to me.

OP posts:
Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 02/08/2023 07:33

You can use your communications (and future dates) with this man as an opportunity to practise being truly assertive, which means clearly asserting your needs while respecting the other person. You could be quite direct in asking him about what is going on and give him an opportunity to answer. it will stand you in good stead in future relationships.

You May get lucky early on but you are not likely to find the love of your life straight away so aim to “practise” and have fun with all the dates, while keeping your wits about you.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 12:23

Thanks, not sure if there will be anymore dates with this guy but definitely good advice!

Thinking about it, I do think there is some truth to what he is saying, if I think about last year, I was in the midst of a house extension, just started a new job and I'm a full time parent. There was NO way on earth I would of started dating, even if I met someone I really liked. Life would of been too stressful and I simply had no time to invest in the person. Even sending the odd text would of been too much for me 😂

So I actually disagree, there are points in a persons life especially if you are a single parent when you are too busy to date.

This doesn't change things with this guy, but I'm trying to explain that you can just be too busy!

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 02/08/2023 12:37

I think you read him correctly.

I ran in to a few characters like this and I tried to be understanding and accommodating, which was stupid. You sent a mature honest message. He can't reasonably label you needy or any such bs.
If he comes back, I'd give him the truth he held back from you. Make him confront the lack of transparency.

Eg, "oh, hello again, I'm not assured that my time is valued or that you understand that people can emotionally invest in to the narrative they're sold, so, with that, I'm going to draw a line under a disjointed succession of dates that never led to a connection. Best wishes.""
Or if you think that's too intense for the few times you"ve met

'We are on different pages, im looking for something real, not necessarily serious to begin with, but honest and respectful of my time"

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 12:44

Thanks, we only met twice. The fists time wasn't a date, it was just meeting when we were out and the sword a date.

So I wouldn't send a very intense message back. It's still early days. However he did give the impression he was interested at the start which was confusing,

OP posts:
Janieforever · 02/08/2023 12:54

I’m not sure if I’m reading this wrong, but he has a girlfriend and you knew this?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:04

He's been seeing someone for a couple of months when he met me, yes. Once we went on our first date I did actually ask if he was still seeing her and and he said no, he wouldn't of met me if he was were his words!

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 02/08/2023 13:07

I hear you, a quick "we're on different pages, best wishes" if he comes back.

This is the problem with OLD so many men keep you on the back burner.
I gave upvand met somebody in real life (omg does that even happen) he instantly seemed believable. I never had to work myself up to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:15

I did meet this guy IRL

OP posts:
SpainToday · 02/08/2023 13:18

I always ask myself what my Nan would have advised - dating seemed a lot more straightforward between the wars!!!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:25

Well I forgetting about it all, if it's meant to be it will be, but I'm not putting my life on hold and see it as a learning experience. I'm off on holiday soon and focusing on that! 😊

OP posts:
Janieforever · 02/08/2023 13:29

Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:04

He's been seeing someone for a couple of months when he met me, yes. Once we went on our first date I did actually ask if he was still seeing her and and he said no, he wouldn't of met me if he was were his words!

Ah ok then he lied. He’s still seeing her and he’s come to his senses/thought better of it, and hopefully stopped the cheating. And Hopefully he doesn’t cheat on her again. It’s only been one date. Did you sleep with him?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:32

Oh no didn't sleep with him!

I think he wanted his cake and eat it..

So all this elaborate bs is because he is still seeing her..why say in his last message that he isn't seeing anyone?! Make no sense! He has denied it twice!

OP posts:
Janieforever · 02/08/2023 13:35

Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:32

Oh no didn't sleep with him!

I think he wanted his cake and eat it..

So all this elaborate bs is because he is still seeing her..why say in his last message that he isn't seeing anyone?! Make no sense! He has denied it twice!

I think he’s trying to withdraw without making you feel bad. That’s why all,the nonsense about work and why he goes quiet when he’s not got the kids, he’s got a partner and he doesn’t wish to proceed further.

littlebopeepp234 · 02/08/2023 13:43

Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:32

Oh no didn't sleep with him!

I think he wanted his cake and eat it..

So all this elaborate bs is because he is still seeing her..why say in his last message that he isn't seeing anyone?! Make no sense! He has denied it twice!

Honestly op, this is very common with men. They know that if they say they’re seeing someone else that you won’t give them the time of day. I went on a date with someone recently who told me he wasn’t chatting to or meeting anyone else because he doesn’t believe in doing that and would just rather date one person at a time. Turned out he was chatting to other people. I told him I didn’t want to see him again just for lying

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:51

The fact that he has tried so hard to deny it (twice) turns me off him. He should not of gone on a date with me then! Makes a lot of sense though, because he would always go quiet on the weekends without his kids, and then message me afterwards. But was more distant, clearly because he knew what he was doing was wrong!

If he had been honest when I asked I wouldn't be annoyed. For me, it shows me his character. And I've dodged a billet, because he could do the same with me too if we started seeing one another.

I think he wants me there just in case it doesn't work out with his gf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:54

*bullet not billet 😂😂

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 02/08/2023 13:55

Sorry OP. He's just not into you. If he was he'd have found time,

littlebopeepp234 · 02/08/2023 13:56

Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:51

The fact that he has tried so hard to deny it (twice) turns me off him. He should not of gone on a date with me then! Makes a lot of sense though, because he would always go quiet on the weekends without his kids, and then message me afterwards. But was more distant, clearly because he knew what he was doing was wrong!

If he had been honest when I asked I wouldn't be annoyed. For me, it shows me his character. And I've dodged a billet, because he could do the same with me too if we started seeing one another.

I think he wants me there just in case it doesn't work out with his gf.

I’m starting to think that actually. I didn’t take much notice of the fact he said he wasn’t seeing someone else but I have re read some of your updates and I saw where you said he was dating someone before he met you. Either way he has messed you about so he doesn’t deserve your attention anyway.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/08/2023 13:58

Boule, I don't actually think it's a case now of him not being into me! He is dating someone else! Someone he met before me 😂

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 03/08/2023 07:37

Yeh, she's a lucky woman, I'm turned off by men who capitalise on dating platforms to juggle several women.

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