Elaborate rejection or genuine response

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I met someone just over a month ago on a weekend break, we've been in contact for just over a month and been on one date, we both have children and work, he has a full on stressful job which from the start he warned me about. Initially he said he wanted to meet but needed for work to calm down first, but then he contacted me a few days later and reconnected again.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I asked if he was seeing anyone else and I would prefer to leave it, but he said he wasn't. He sends photos of his kids all the time which I thought was a bit full on, but nice.

We arranged to meet this week, but after 3 days of silence I wrote it off. He then sent me this message:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

I don't know how to take it tbh. I can't tell if this is an elaborate excuse?!

This was my response:

Hello, thanks for your message.
I totally get how busy things can become. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like. But something I really value is consistency. Cutting contact for long periods of time is not cool at all.

Happy to keep in touch, just next time communicate when things get a bit much in your life instead of disappearing 😉

Have a lovely evening x

And my point, she probably would be too, if she knew.

People's expectations around texting can be quite tyrannical. I don't really do small talk much in real life and yet people expect their small talk messages to be answered straight away or they are being ignored. I have changed my privacy settings on whatsapp so that no one can see when messages are read or when I was last seen. I am thinking of removing the ability to see when I am online as well, for this same reason if you're online and don't answer a message people take offence. Messages take headspace and time, especially if you care about your communication. People read an awful lot into even casual messages, as can be seen by how much they are discussed on here. I thought his initial text to you was quite friendly and clear, just basically saying that he could not prioritise you at the moment and this includes messages. We devote time to what is important -- sometimes that's a lovely text exchange, but feeling an obligation to 'chat' when you wouldn't in real life is a relationship killer to me. If a communication is important and needs a reply, I would be clear about it and expect one. But expectations around 'chat' of any kind when you are under pressure is unrealistic, and I think he was just letting you know he would disappoint you if you had those kind of expectations in text or in real life at the moment.

Personally I wouldn’t waste your time agonising over this and write it off - he’s already had too much of your precious headspace

ive been in your situation and my regret was wasting so much time analysing their behaviour and coming up with rational explanations.

if someone wants to be with you they will, mo matter what they’ve got going on. You are worth more than what he is offering (effectively a pen pal)

@Captainfairylights the issue was that he set the expectation that he would text all the time. Not me. He is initially messaged me all the time, morning through to evening and then that dibbled off. I didn't really initiate anything. So of course I'd wonder why I barely heard from him 😂