Elaborate rejection or genuine response

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I met someone just over a month ago on a weekend break, we've been in contact for just over a month and been on one date, we both have children and work, he has a full on stressful job which from the start he warned me about. Initially he said he wanted to meet but needed for work to calm down first, but then he contacted me a few days later and reconnected again.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I asked if he was seeing anyone else and I would prefer to leave it, but he said he wasn't. He sends photos of his kids all the time which I thought was a bit full on, but nice.

We arranged to meet this week, but after 3 days of silence I wrote it off. He then sent me this message:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

I don't know how to take it tbh. I can't tell if this is an elaborate excuse?!

This was my response:

Hello, thanks for your message.
I totally get how busy things can become. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like. But something I really value is consistency. Cutting contact for long periods of time is not cool at all.

Happy to keep in touch, just next time communicate when things get a bit much in your life instead of disappearing 😉

Have a lovely evening x

I wouldn't say he was seeing someonelse he may have had a think and realised it's harder to date with his kids work etc

PPs who have said you have extremely busy periods in your jobs/lives, that mean you don't have time/energy for long conversations - could you not even muster up a "sorry i'm being a bit rubbish at the moment, head's fried. thinking of you though x" type text?

in OPs position, i would appreciate that, and would be considerate enough not to press for a long conversation, or face to face meet.

is something like that really too much to ask?

would take literally 5 seconds

OP - would semi-regular check-ins like that have made things better or worse?

what really matters OP is that he doesn’t have time for you. It’s all you need to know.

I'd take it as a brush off. The fact he's not in contact when he's child free tells its own story.
I believe the saying 'if he likes you, you'll know. If you're confused, he doesn't'
Presidents and priministers have affairs but this guy can't send a text in three days? Not buying it.
Sounds like you've got your head screwed. Hope you meet someone nice on your holiday.

Head screwed on! Sorry OP!

I agree with this. If you are in the process of arranging to meet someone then it doesn’t take long to send a quick 5 second text to let them know you will be too busy and will arrange to meet up another time rather than just disappearing off the face of the earth and leaving people in Limbo.

However, my experience with dating plus from all the threads I’ve read on MN, it seems to be a common occurrence for men in particular to arrange a date before conveniently disappearing for days on end just before confirming the final details of the date and then just miraculously popping up at a later date with an array of excuses ranging from they have been too busy at work or their uncle’s friend’s, cousin’s cat has died or something to do with mental health. So I assume the guy this op is dating has also pulled a similar stunt.

Just thinking about it, he tends to always message me when I'm out with friends, or away for the weekend etc. I never disturb him, I just leave him to it.

I guarantee that he will message me all though the time I'm on holiday because there is a higher chance I could meet someone,

I think he is just messed up! All about the chase,

One thing he did admit to on the first date was that he has always been the one to end relationships...I think I was in a bit of a first date bubble and overlooked this important bit of information.

I think...he is a classic commitment phobe.

I've deleted his number 👍

I have a busy career, 60 to 80 hours a week plus weekends. I’m a lone parent and have my DC single handed 24/7. I have very little time for myself or a social life. My response time to messages are very slow with the exception of if I really like someone.

Your response was good, I think he’s hard work & you should move on. I hate inconsistency too & it doesn’t change.

The classic commitophobe is exactly what I was thinking too. As I said earlier I was dating someone exactly like this. And after being cancelled on a few times with the ‘too busy at work’ I called him out on it and he blocked me! I since discovered that he was most likely avoidant and that these sort of people like the beginning stage and getting to know people but once it’s looking like there is a spark and that things may progress further then they get scared and disappear for days/ weeks/ months and come back with all sorts of excuses! The message he sent you full of excuses is exactly how the guy I was dating would have written it too. They start off charming and give you hope but are unable to commit.

I am almost certain he will contact me again...I'd love to put together a great message back. No drama, just a perfect, pollite I'm not interested in chatting message. Or just ignore?

I would just tell him that it was nice to meet him but you feel that you don’t feel he would be a great match for you due to his lack of availability and that you feel you would be better suited to someone who can communicate better and didn’t leave you in limbo after saying they’d meet up so you have decided to move on but wish him all the best etc

Sorry probably not too polite but that’s just me I tend to be quite blunt and direct and let them know I’m no mug to be messed about and disappeared/ cancelled on just before a date.

This is way politer than my 'who dis?'

Sorry op but good you've only spent a month on this. I think you're right. He won't commit. But will just keep you dangling with titbits. You're worth more than that

Ha, I think I'm more inclined just to say it was nice getting to know him, but that I think I'll leave it and wish him all the best. That's more my style!

At 'face value', he doesn't contact you on weekends when he's child-free; he just blew you off for the entire summer holidays and you know he was dating someone else when you got together. Bin him. Move on.
If you're looking for a genuine relationship, don't go for someone who is dating someone else.

Leave him on unread as that will bug him and is no more thN he deserves. Doesn't matter how busy life is, there's always time to fire off at least 1 text in a day.

Cut your losses, he is a "poor me" drain. Don't wait around for him, he might well be child obsessed right now, but if he is, then he is not right for you.

Value yourself more, don't waste your time on someone who is not invested.

Well, he's articulate and has good SPaG, so they're both points in his favour 👍🏼 but it's not very romantic, is it?

Depends what you want. I get that it's sometimes not the right time to date X, but if he's really liked you, wouldn't he try to prioritise you?

Ha, he has one of those fancy high flyer jobs so has to be articulate. But without detailing what he does, his job gives him a distinct upper hand in terms of getting out of tricky situations still looking like a good guy 😉

Which is what I think the whole message was about, letting me down in a nice way making him look like a nice guy. But I see through it.

I really like you, loved our dates, but Im struggling right now. I might not be able to meet you due to having my children, but would still love to get to know you and hope that in between having the kids, that we could continue to get to know each other.....is the message of someone who is into you.

Not a straight...Ive got the kids, sod you.

How odd! He has deleted his what's all account?! Not that I had planned to contact him, but this is just very strange. No idea why he would do that?

What makes you say that?

I can't find him on what's app, if I add his number in what's app it asks me to invite him. So he has deleted his what's app account..

It's not like I constantly sending him messages! Since our last conversation I've not sent a thing.

No idea when he deleted it as I've gone onto his profile for the first time today.

@Cherryblossom200 his (other) casual date has just got serious. He's sacked you off I'm afraid. Just pulled the plug and avoided having to give you another 'cock-and-bull' story like the last one. His creativity has dried up so pffff you're gone.

The weekends he doesn't have his kids he goes quiet, I don't initiate contact but he comes back saying he had a heavy weekend etc etc

I could understand him going quite when he has his kids, but going quiet when he doesn't have his kids, what?!

i think you've dodged a bullet there,

Just wondering if this was a second phone he messaged me from, maybe a work phone.

If I don't want to talk to someone all I do I block them, you can also delete whole conversations. Why on earth delete what's app?!

Have you tried adding his number back to your contacts on your phone? He would then appear on your WhatsApp. Or, he has blocked you or deleted his account.