Now he asked me out? NOW!?

[UserNROsingle]

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

We have done dozens and dozens and dozens of trips/camping/road trips/traveling/fishing/berry picking days/weekends, list is endless over these years.

It was a great weekend, but that is not unusual for us, at all.

I've had similar- platonic friends for decades then he suddenly wants a romantic relationship. In my case I felt it was the reverse: he thought that as I'm older now I might settle for someone that I'd never previously been interested in 😂. I've lost other long-term platonic friends in middle-age and looking back, I do think there's something in the idea that maybe some men do seem like a life-long platonic friend, but they were actually open to a relationship and you didn't realise, then they disappear when they finally end up in a committed relationship.

I actually find the whole thing quite sad. I've always worked in male-dominated environments and thought some of these people were amongst my best friends.

I don’t understand this question.Why would I have to see him as a romantic partner? Do you see all your good friends as worthy of being your romantic partner?

No, because physical attraction is part of sexual chemistry for me. You've been clear it's not for you in any way, even that you disdain others for whom physical attraction is a factor.

And just think about how many older men would absolutely love a young and beautiful girlfriend, but can't afford to buy one?

All those rich, old celebrities have actively chosen to have eye candy on their arm, and have often ditched their previous rich, old partners in order to fulfil their ambition in that direction.

It may be he has never dared ask before. He may have wanted to.
Just ask him if this seemingly new interest as because you are slimmer...

If this happened to me, and if it was a guy I was interested in, I'd be scared he would lose interest again if I put weight back on. That's a totally understandable fear. Since nobody had a crystal ball, all you can do is... Do something. Talk to him, maybe even go ahead with dating him if you are interested, and just accept that there are no guarantees and you just have to trust yourself and keep on swimming.

Or, if you genuinely cannot see him in a sexual/romantic way and are quite simply not interested, then that's that!

I don’t get this. By the time you put weight back on the relationship would have solidified and not be about that initial attraction. It is the exact same foe every single couple.

Many wouldn’t have went for their partner in the first place if they were fat, bald, whatever. Physical attraction at the Start of a relationship is a key part of it, but lessens as the romantic relationship deepens.

your comment makes the assumption that physical attraction is irrelevant for most couples and appearance nothing to do with it. That’s the furthest from the truth ever.

My comment, @Janieforever ? Where do you get that from? That's the opposite of what I've been saying on this thread!

I'm saying it's normal for her to have that fear, but what can she do but jump in (if she fancies him too).

If this happened to me, and if it was a guy I was interested in, I'd be scared he would lose interest again if I put weight back on

@LawnmowerBlues i got it from this sentence.

Well, yeah. Aren't many of us a bit insecure about our looks, and aware that they are a factor in attraction? It's the same kind of thing as "will my new boyfriend still fancy me when he sees me first thing in the morning without make up on". A normal worry that we shouldn't be embarrassed about, but also we should just get on with it and be brave, rather than end a relationship before it's even begun for fear that the other person will stop fancying us. Because we have very little control over it, at the end of the day, and while it's good to stay in shape for each other, people might stop fancying each other regardless for all sorts of reasons not to do with looks. Or they might still be burning with lust for each other despite a total change in appearance!

You're still 100% convinced that this is the only reason he has asked you out now, and have villified the dude, all without him saying a single word about it.

You do NOT know what he's thinking. Having a suspicious mindset isn't the same as being a mind reader. You can't get annoyed with people for things YOU'RE assuming they think and feel.

So an update, since so many said I should just talk to him / ask him where the sudden change came from. I did just that.
I felt really akward doing that, I really didn’t even know how to put it, so I called him to go over the saturday plan and then as casually as I could asked if he was serious about going on a date.
And he said yes, that he’d liked to do that.
I knew I didn’t want to hear, but I asked anyway, why now?
And he said the worst thing he possibly could, that he had always liked spending time with me, that it has always been so easy with us (this is so true, it has been my favorite thing about us too) and how we have so much in common/same hobbies/passion….

….And that I’ve ”looked so lovely” this year.
He kept going but I kind of cut him off at some point.

So, yeah. That was all there was to it.
No secret holding the torch or waiting to gain the courage to ask me out, I’m afraid.

I quickly ended the call, just said that I can’t do the saturday (we were suppose to go on his boat, I really don’t feel comfortable being alone with him now).

Anyway, yeah a sad ending to this.
I understand some of you really wanted him to be just a nice and shy gut, but he’s never had any problems to ask out women he likes, so that’s why I really didn’t believe when you were saying he must actually like me.

That’s a shame, but as you say, you wouldn’t be comfortable again. No point having a friendship with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. You both sound like nice people and I hope you’ll be able to move on without rancour.

I'm sorry he's proved your fear right, but it's good you know for sure.

Not surprised. For being the LTB website the faith MN has in the male sex sometimes is almost touching.

That said though I don’t particularly think he did something wrong here - physical attraction is important. But since OP doesn’t fancy him anyway it’s a moot point. He shot his shot and ruined what sounds like a really nice friendship.

I think that’s such a shame. I can’t pretend to understand why you have such an issue with him now finding you attractive slimmer but not finding you attractive before when you were overweight.

It’s fairly normal and most folks wouldn’t have got with their partner if they looked like they do now. Physical attraction is usually a key part at the start of a relationship. You were not entitled to him fancying you fatter and clearly it’s not just physical he also likes you as a person, but yes the physical for most play a part.

I do think the issue is yours not his, he has done nothing wrong, in fact he’s behaved normally, and it’s a shame your reaction is so extreme you will end a friendship over it.

He didn't want her before because she was fat. That you can't see why that would be so hurtful to OP is baffling.

I don’t think it’s placing any ‘faith’ in men whatsoever to point out that, as you say yourself, this man hasn’t done anything wrong in fancying someone at one weight and not another. This doesn’t make him shallow, trophy girlfriend-seeking, predatory etc.

It makes him guilty of nothing other than risking a long friendship by asking the OP out, and posters asking the same question on here (‘I fancy my male friend — should I ask him out?’) are most often greeted with a yes, you should because if you fancy him the friendship is doomed anyway, so better to speak out now while he’s single and there’s a possibility he reciprocates your feelings.

Of course none of this means the OP should even consider dating a man she doesn’t fancy, and she’s entitled also to be angry that he’s soured the friendship.

But all of her posts suggest she has a deep-seated complex about her weight, and has some deeply self-righteous ‘gotcha’ response to any indication that he’s only fancied her since she’s been thinner, which she sees as evidence that it’s not a ‘real’ attraction. Which seems an odd and dismissive way to think about a friend she’s presumably been fond of for 20 years.

Just like all those posts on here about not fancying short men. Only a short adult is never going to grow, and a fat adult can become a thin one.

I do not fancy fat men. I’m sorry if fat men find that hurtful.they are not entitled to me fancying them. I might think them lovely people. Be good friends with them, but no I wouldn’t be initially physically attracted to them and want to date them.

everyone has what they find attractive, the op has no right to feel hurt he didn’t fancy her fat as she was never entitled to him doing so.

@TheoTheopolis23 I lost a lot of weight too and was left with loose skin.

I would NOT trust someone like the OPs friend enough to take my clothes off in front of him if it were me because someone that shallow wouldnt like the loose skin either. I would have been annoyed and reacted the same way @UserNROsingle has.

"he said the worst thing he possibly could, that he had always liked spending time with me, that it has always been so easy with us (this is so true, it has been my favorite thing about us too) and how we have so much in common/same hobbies/passion….

….And that I’ve ”looked so lovely” this year."

My god, what a bastard.

But the OP didn’t feel hurt her friend didn’t fancy her before. She was happy with the platonic friendship. She felt hurt because she looses weight and now he shows that he views her in a totally different (and romantic) light.

OP, I think your feelings are very natural and justified. Your friend is basically saying the distinction between you being dateable and undateable is body size. He’s entitled to these views, of course, but it’s unrealistic of him to think they won’t cause annoyance and hurt.

The analogy of a man inheriting money and suddenly being viewed romantically by his female friends is a good one, in my opinion. Yes, it could happen. But, equally yes, it’s not going to be well received.

This. In spades.

And id only got to page 3 of this thread when i posted the above...before i read the update.