Page 8 | Now he asked me out? NOW!?

UserNROsingle · 2023-07-25T06:20:16+00:00

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years. Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever. Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before. While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere. I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad. You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was? I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it. Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship. We are knocking our 40’s FFS! Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age? God, I wish he hadn’t said anything. I’m so sad now.

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 17:20

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 16:53

no one waits for 20 years - no one.

Exactly.

Op, I honestly don't know how you've kept your patience with some of the posters on this thread.

It's a credit to you

I think the BS and crazyness level has been off the scale, even for MN.

😅
Why, thank you!
Funny enough, I’ve actually been uncharacteristically temperamental today.
I’m usually very unbothered, aloof almost about most things.

OP posts:

Itistimeandiamscared · 25/07/2023 17:29

OP, I still don't understand why you are convinced his interest now, is weight related. Why couldn't it be because as he obviously likes you/you both get on well (long friendship), this could be a natural emolument that is not unknown to happen?You must know him quite well after 20 years. Has he said things about bigger sized people? What is it that makes you think this is not just because of the person you are?

AnotherDayOfSun · 25/07/2023 18:03

I think if there had ever been genuine chemistry between the two of you, you both probably would have sensed it in the past 20 years, weight or no weight. Looks are only one part of attraction, not everything!

But you might want to consider why this bothers you so much. Could it be that liking someone for their looks only and rejecting someone for their looks only are two sides of the same coin? In other words, your annoyance with him is more due to the hurt from other people's rejections in the past? And also the fear that he may still reject you if his interest is so much based on looks.

In any case, if he is a good friend, it might be worth it to tell him what you have told us, at least to clear the air and continue the friendship.

DoubleTime · 25/07/2023 18:15

OP, I would have drawn exactly the same conclusion. After that length of time as friends you would expect him to explain why he was asking now and there is something kind of presumptious about him expecting you to say yes without one, especially when you have known him for years without showing any interest in a romance. Did he seem surprised when you turned him down ?

I understand why you feel sad - he's damaged the friendship.

DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 18:20

“ I’m not being negative and no one waits for 20 years - no one.”

I’m sorry but I really do disagree with this. I have been in that situation. Long standing male friend. He died suddenly (I have written on MN about this before) and it was at the funeral I found out he had a secret crush on me. He’d been with me through thick and thin (and yes I am talking about my size) and had liked me for a loooong time.

So no. Not all men are that shallow that they switch their interest/attraction on and off based on looks or size.

Do you know how long he liked you for before plucking up the courage to ask you on a date? Just because he’s said nothing before now doesn’t mean he wasn’t interested before now.

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 18:41

Itistimeandiamscared · 25/07/2023 17:29

OP, I still don't understand why you are convinced his interest now, is weight related. Why couldn't it be because as he obviously likes you/you both get on well (long friendship), this could be a natural emolument that is not unknown to happen?You must know him quite well after 20 years. Has he said things about bigger sized people? What is it that makes you think this is not just because of the person you are?

Okey, lets try this:

There is a man and a woman.
They have been friends for almost 20 years, always platonic, nothing romantic has ever happened.
Let’s say the man starts to build a business, it happens to succeed, he is now a very, very wealthy man.
And low and behold, the woman all of a sudden realizes she is actually quite attracted and interested in him.
You don’t think that’s suspicious?
That just then, after all these years, when no inkling of any romantic feelings before, now is when the man has made lots of money - she finds herself to be attracted to him, you really think it’s genuine?
Really?

What is it that makes you think this is not just because of the person you are?

Then he would have ask, literally, at any time through out these years.
Why now?
If it was about the person I am? I’ve always been awesome!

OP posts:

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 18:45

In any case, if he is a good friend, it might be worth it to tell him what you have told us, at least to clear the air and continue the friendship.

This is the question and really I don’t know what to do next.
We were planning on our next meet-up, we were supposed to go fishing on saturday, and then he blurted the making it a date and I didn’t know what to say.
I’m meant to let him know soon. And I have no idea what to do or say. That’s why my mind has been running so fast.

OP posts:

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 18:50

Stick to your standards OP, they are good.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/07/2023 18:51

Why don't you just ask him, 'why now? What's changed' You're great friends, albeit you're peed off with him over this perceived disrespect, but surely you know him well enough to be straight.

TennisWithDeborah · 25/07/2023 18:52

I think you should tell him how you feel about this sudden declaration of his.

I’ve lost 3+ stones since January and whilst I haven’t encountered your exact scenario, I’ve noticed that people treat me differently, more respectfully. Anyone who’s shifted or gained serious poundage knows that this is a thing. You’re not imagining it imo, although the “Bridget Jones” theory offered by a PP could have some merit, especially with age 40 looming next year.

A long friendship is usually worth saving. Go fishing, have a chat.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 18:59

Well done on the weight loss first of all it's very hard to do.

How did you lose the weight? Healthy diet and exercise? Getting rid of a bad relationship? Having a general mental me time glow up? Your skin and hair glowing too? It's likely that what ever helped you lose weight is also helping you seem more confident and happy in yourself and therefore an attractive partner - it might not just be your physical size and shape that's making him see you in this new sexy way

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 19:01

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 08:26

It's fine for you to say you are not attracted to him but not fine for him to not have been attracted to you previously.

I didn’t say anything about he’s looks, I pay no attention to his , never have.

But you're quite unusual in this respect, most people have to find something physically attractive about a potential date. He doesn't deserve to be demonized for being like most people

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 19:20

@Unexpectedlysinglemum He has known her 20 years.. He's basically saying her qualities haven't been enough while she's been overweight.
He's saying loud and clear he values looks above anything and that's not a good quality.

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 19:20

And I'm saying this as a slim person so not being defensive.

LawnmowerBlues · 25/07/2023 19:33

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 18:41

Okey, lets try this:

There is a man and a woman.
They have been friends for almost 20 years, always platonic, nothing romantic has ever happened.
Let’s say the man starts to build a business, it happens to succeed, he is now a very, very wealthy man.
And low and behold, the woman all of a sudden realizes she is actually quite attracted and interested in him.
You don’t think that’s suspicious?
That just then, after all these years, when no inkling of any romantic feelings before, now is when the man has made lots of money - she finds herself to be attracted to him, you really think it’s genuine?
Really?

What is it that makes you think this is not just because of the person you are?

Then he would have ask, literally, at any time through out these years.
Why now?
If it was about the person I am? I’ve always been awesome!

Show quote history

Well, money doesn't make you actually fancy someone. It makes them a better marriage prospect, when you are weighing things up - all else being equal. But it's not going to make you want to snog someone you don't find attractive. Would you go on a date with someone purely because they came into money?

Whereas looks obviously do make a tangible difference in how you feel about someone, on a primal and immediate level. You wouldn't seek a date with someone you didn't fancy, right?

In one of your past posts you said something about not caring about attraction compared to things like common values and interests. Well, a relationship needs both. It's unusual to completely dismiss the attraction factor. It's just a fact of life.

And if you are both nearing 40 then he's maybe not only worrying about his own relationship prospects, but also thinking if you're to have a family together he needs to make a move now and not waste time!

If you're genuinely not interested then tell him. In fact, if he's really a friend (as he has been all these years) then just talk to him about how you feel. Good luck.

BreakfastClub80 · 25/07/2023 19:40

I think you should talk to him about it, to at least clear the air. It seems a shame to lose the friendship you’ve had without clarifying his reasoning. At this point you seem to be convinced that he is shallow and yet I presume you haven’t thought this of him for the past 20 years? As much as I can see your reasoning, it seems strange that you didn’t know he was this shallow before, especially if you’ve talked about boyfriends/girlfriends in that time. Most of my male friends wouldn’t hide this that well.

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 20:00

LawnmowerBlues · 25/07/2023 19:33

Well, money doesn't make you actually fancy someone. It makes them a better marriage prospect, when you are weighing things up - all else being equal. But it's not going to make you want to snog someone you don't find attractive. Would you go on a date with someone purely because they came into money?

Whereas looks obviously do make a tangible difference in how you feel about someone, on a primal and immediate level. You wouldn't seek a date with someone you didn't fancy, right?

In one of your past posts you said something about not caring about attraction compared to things like common values and interests. Well, a relationship needs both. It's unusual to completely dismiss the attraction factor. It's just a fact of life.

And if you are both nearing 40 then he's maybe not only worrying about his own relationship prospects, but also thinking if you're to have a family together he needs to make a move now and not waste time!

If you're genuinely not interested then tell him. In fact, if he's really a friend (as he has been all these years) then just talk to him about how you feel. Good luck.

Show quote history

Sure it can.
Look at all the rich, old celebrities with young, beautiful girlfriends/wives.

Some on this thread said that being thin tells about values and that’s attractive.
Same woth being good at making/having money, that’s also an attravtive quality.
It could easily make one ’fancy’ someone, certainly more reliable and most likely lasting thing than body weight / type.

Looks are just looks. You born with whatever you are born with and it changes whatever happens throughout one’s life.
It really doesn’t mean much and shoudn’t be based on when it comes to relationships.

OP posts:

guineacup · 25/07/2023 20:49

Look at all the rich, old celebrities with young, beautiful girlfriends/wives.

Do they fancy him, or are they more interested in the money and fame?

guineacup · 25/07/2023 20:54

"Looks are just looks. You born with whatever you are born with and it changes whatever happens throughout one’s life.
It really doesn’t mean much and shoudn’t be based on when it comes to relationships"

If physical attraction and looks plays no part, and he was a good friend, why wasn't he worthy of being a romantic partner too?

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder about human biological attraction. However much you believe it shouldn't contain an element of physical attraction, it does! That's just a fact!

Itistimeandiamscared · 25/07/2023 20:59

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 18:41

Okey, lets try this:

There is a man and a woman.
They have been friends for almost 20 years, always platonic, nothing romantic has ever happened.
Let’s say the man starts to build a business, it happens to succeed, he is now a very, very wealthy man.
And low and behold, the woman all of a sudden realizes she is actually quite attracted and interested in him.
You don’t think that’s suspicious?
That just then, after all these years, when no inkling of any romantic feelings before, now is when the man has made lots of money - she finds herself to be attracted to him, you really think it’s genuine?
Really?

What is it that makes you think this is not just because of the person you are?

Then he would have ask, literally, at any time through out these years.
Why now?
If it was about the person I am? I’ve always been awesome!

Show quote history

You still have not said why you are sure that it is related to your weight.
The example you gave was a generalisation and is not unknown to happen but you said 'wouldn't that make you suspicious?'. And that's my point, one may suspect that his attraction to you is weight related but you are convinced.. sure.. certain.. definite.. that he is only attracted to you because you have lost weight.
And again I repeat, it is not unknown for the nature of a friendship to change over time.

I can't know if you are wrong in your conviction and I am just wondering why that's your conviction when nothing in your op or updates explains why you believe this friend of 20 years is now only asked you out because of your weight loss. Has he said things in the past that makes you believe that is the reason?

And congratulations on your weight loss.

Non sequitur, out of interest, how many steps a day were you doing on your dog walks?

Janieforever · 25/07/2023 21:43

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 19:20

@Unexpectedlysinglemum He has known her 20 years.. He's basically saying her qualities haven't been enough while she's been overweight.
He's saying loud and clear he values looks above anything and that's not a good quality.

I don’t quite agree with you, I think it’s absolutely fine to wish to find someone attractive and it’s fine to not be physically attracted to someone over weight.

I don’t think it means you value a healthy weight over everything else as you feel. You often have to like them as a person also and all their other qualities. Attraction is multi faceted.

pinkfondu · 25/07/2023 21:47

There's no chance that after a lovely time he just thought maybe we should see how it goes as more?

TeriblePerson · 25/07/2023 21:52

Well done OP. God values and confidence x

TeriblePerson · 25/07/2023 21:52

Good*

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 21:53

If physical attraction and looks plays no part, and he was a good friend, why wasn't he worthy of being a romantic partner too?

I don’t understand this question.
Why would I have to see him as a romantic partner?
Do you see all your good friends as worthy of being your romantic partner?

You still have not said why you are sure that it is related to your weight.

I have, multiple times.

OP posts: