My partner just slapped me

[yvonneb13]

I'm in shock maybe disbelief I'm a little drunk after being at a festival and my partner phoned me to say our little boy wasn't settling I said I'd get the bus home which I thought was 9pm turns out it was 9;15 so I got home late he went absolutely mental doesn't want to be with me anymore called me so many names and then slapped me across the face and saying if I don't get out his way he's going to batter me I've been with this man for 13 years and this is the first time ever I've seen this side of him I'm currently crying in the living room and he's in the bedroom and I'm just in shock I'm gonna leave him I never thought in a million years he's ever hurt me and hear I am with a sore cheek that's all red it's not fair because I never go out in always the one who looks after the baby and the one night I don't rush to be home when he said I get this I honestly can't believe it

Given that you have a child together so you can't just throw him out, block and never speak again, you will have to talk to him at some point.

I think it's highly likely he will apologise and give you many reasons as to why it happened, why it won't happen again, and how he really loves you. And it'll be great, like really great. For a while. Unfortunately the sad fact is that it almost never happens that they don't do it again. It's also really common for this behaviour to start during pregnancy or post birth.

I can also see that he called you names so it may be that he has already been abusive but not in a way you currently recognise as abuse. I didn't recognise the abuse I suffered as abuse at the time. Like as long as he isn't hitting me it's fine right. No, it's not. When you can, please look online for information about domestic abuse. Also I highly recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Reach out to your local domestic abuse helpline if you can. They can work with you discreetly to give you the information you need to keep you and your baby safe physically and mentally.

I know it'll be tempting to just brush it under the carpet and avoid this thread, but please stick around and keep getting support from the wonderful and supportive women here.

@yvonneb13 please I beg you. Listen to this 🙏🏿

Wise up!! This was your perfect chance to pack up and go but instead you're sat waiting for him like a loyal puppy and wondering where he is. I can see where this is headed already unfortunately.

How are you?

Give your head a wobble.

He’s not giving you the decency of contacting you or coming back, so why are you going to wait for him.

Why are you waiting on him to contact you, come home or explain himself.
It should be him that’s waiting on you to contact him.

He is the one in the wrong and it should be him reaching out to you and begging for your forgiveness.

He literally doesn’t even care enough to contact you.

He wants you to be at home waiting because he thinks he’s got you wrapped around his little finger.
Do not prove him right.

You need to keep your baby safe. That means leaving this man for good. No waiting for explanations.

Even if he was apologising and begging for forgiveness I wouldn’t forgive him but at least he’d be pretending to care.

He literally couldn’t give 2 shits about you and doesn’t care that you know this because he knows you’ll be sat at home waiting for him when he comes back.

OP, you’ve mention that this is out of character. Not acceptable and please leave.

However, maybe contact a member of his family or a friend and let them know what’s happened. You obviously can’t stay with him, but someone (not you) needs to make sure he hasn’t done something stupid to himself.

You’re putting yourself and your child at risk if you wait until he returns before you try and leave. The risks of domestic abuse are highest when you’re leaving the relationship.

OP, you are putting yourself in his shoes. You are trying to come up with a reason for why you might have *hit him. You can't; you're at a loss, because you are a decent person. What reason could he possibly give you for HITTING *you that would make any rational sense? There is no reason. You must internalise that. If you wait for him to return and he gives you the soft soap about how sorry he is (12-infinity hours after the fact) and how he just lost control, yada yada - and you are there to listen to that and take it on board, then you ARE accepting it. It's the very fact that it is unthinkable and unfathomable to you that means it is totally unacceptable. It might be forgivable in time, but only for your own mental peace, and to clear this nasty loser out of your head. This relationship (as a relationship of loving, trusting equals) is finished. If it continues, he will know that it is on his terms.

Leave now, call the police and report that he’s assaulted you, for the sake of you and your child. Don’t sit waiting for him, that’s what he wants.

You need to protect your child.

Only if you accept he might beat you up further.

For goodness sake, wake up to what's going on.

There is nothing he can say that would change anything.

Are you going today OP?

And what will he say? "I didn't mean it, I don't know why I did it, it will never happen again, please don't go, I love you so much." Then you unpack your suitcase and you stay and next time its a punch in the face because you burned his toast. There is ALWAYS A NEXT TIME and it always gets worse. He hit you, called you names and threatened to batter you because you were 15 minutes late and he didn't want to be bothered with the hassle of looking after his own child. He is an abuser. He just waited until he was sure he had you locked down before he showed it. And I bet there have been red flags before.

Oh, sorry for your condition. Please stay safe.

I’m sorry you just don’t initiate violence against women. I’m a man, and this is a fundamental failure of everything a man, a father and a husband should be. There should not be a safer for place for you, or your baby to be. The fact that is not true is heartbreaking.

Don’t ask me why, but I have had a tonne of women open up to me about this sort of thing over the years, and there are so many commonalities. Some of those come across in your posts. NONE of this is your fault. You were 15 minutes late? That’s a simple “sorry I got the wrong bus babe”, with a simple “oh thats alright honey we were fine here, just maybe text ahead any delay so I know not to worry” level problem.

Extrapolate that out you’re 15 minutes late to work and your boss slaps you? That’s assault. Your kid is 15 mins late for school, and the teacher slaps them? That’s one fired teacher. I’m sure you can see how ridiculous that would be. Now your husband who should love you more than any other man on the planet, that’s even MORE egregious and unacceptable.

It also sounds like you have been very much trapped with the domestic and child care heavy lifting. So I wouldn’t be surprised if there has been some corrosion of your self-esteem over the years, as he has manoeuvred you into doing all that so his life can continue unencumbered. This may make it somewhat easy for him to wheedle his way back in. If you manage to draw a line under all this and leave him straight away over one incident I’ll be very impressed and admire you greatly, but my experience is that rarely happens.

If he does win you back and this all happens again (it will! as a percentage only 3% of men who’ve committed domestic violence actually take stock get therapy and stop it), please don’t loose heart. You will have still done nothing wrong even if you choose to stay and hope. Over 13 years he likely knows you very well and precisely how to control and manipulate you. You have a baby and that makes you even more vulnerable, and he is the one person your instincts will be screaming at you to turn to for support.

Keep this thread, listen to a lot of advice on here, it’s really good. However first off please
whatever happens be kind. You are worthy and you have value. Neither you nor your baby deserved this. In truth you deserve better. I hope you find it.

@krustykittens I completely agree.

As somebody who has been there please don’t make the mistake in waiting to hear any excuses he has because you are too sad to leave him, accept this is how it is life needs to change and report him to the police so he is removed from the home. If you can’t do it for you do it to safeguard your baby as you’ll never forgive yourself if anything happens to them because it was easier for you to keep your mouth closed and stay. You need to prioritise the baby above any feelings you may have

@yvonneb13 a confrontation put you in danger. It's not worth it. Just leave. It's safer for you. Take all important documents, passport, birth certificates etc.

Yes, it’s bad, yes. It sounds as if you’re revelling in the drama. Get the hell out of there and do not look back. As about 400 Mumsnetters have advised you. As the police will advise you and as social services will advise you. Solicitor would also advise you the same. But I’m sure we’re all wrong and the most important thing is is that you listen to what he’s got to say for himself. Fingers crossed you make it out without another injury.

It's not bad, it's fucking stupid.

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING he can say to make this any better.

You're not going to dump him though, are you? Just sit there like a good meek little woman until he escalates this. Or attacks your baby. If he hasn't already. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. He's not even one fucking bit sorry either! OMG!!

I'm posting again to add to the chorus of "LEAVE"

And also to reinforce the important point that you must report this incident and get it documented, so you have a clear case against him seeking custody and so on.

Go to the police and report this. You have to do this!

Report him to the police and do not let him back into the house. Do not care about what he has to say. It will happen again otherwise. Be safe. Call people to come and be with you in case he gets violent again.
Please, keep you and your child safe.

@yvonneb13 ....what can he say .. he assaulted you.. there is nothing he can say to make it right and if you stay he knows he can do anything and you are going to put up with it !!

how long before he changes the narrative and he starts lying and saying he slapped you to get you away from him..... or that it never happened and you did it to yourself ....... thats what my ex did......