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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner just slapped me

477 replies

yvonneb13 · 23/07/2023 22:43

I'm in shock maybe disbelief I'm a little drunk after being at a festival and my partner phoned me to say our little boy wasn't settling I said I'd get the bus home which I thought was 9pm turns out it was 9;15 so I got home late he went absolutely mental doesn't want to be with me anymore called me so many names and then slapped me across the face and saying if I don't get out his way he's going to batter me I've been with this man for 13 years and this is the first time ever I've seen this side of him I'm currently crying in the living room and he's in the bedroom and I'm just in shock I'm gonna leave him I never thought in a million years he's ever hurt me and hear I am with a sore cheek that's all red it's not fair because I never go out in always the one who looks after the baby and the one night I don't rush to be home when he said I get this I honestly can't believe it

OP posts:
Original poster
yvonneb13 · 24/07/2023 08:58

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 24/07/2023 08:56

Can you lock him out?

He has a key

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 24/07/2023 08:59

H20202 · 24/07/2023 01:40

Hi,

First and foremost, I’m so sorry this has happened to you, you sound in utter shock and disbelief.

Trying to take logical action when you’re feeling like this often feels impossible so as easy as it is for others to tell you what you should/shouldn’t be doing - it’s normal to find it difficult to process and to take logical steps.

although I know a lot of peoples advice and telling you to ‘just do this’ is from a good place but I’ve also seen some quite judgemental comments asking why you’ve not done X - it’s not helpful.
Please can people bear this in mind, that it takes on average 7 attempts before a woman feels able to leave and 50+ incidents before help is sought.

Take things step at a time, try not to think too far ahead, it will be far to overwhelming. Try focusing on just tomorrow.

first step is to perhaps speak to someone close to you or a professional in confidence?
there’s national helplines and local centres you can contact just to perhaps offload and get some impartial information / advice. Independent domestic violence advisers are fantastic and can give you lots of helpful information and support.
24/7 DV line here and they have an online chat too: tel:08082000247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

second: regardless of whose house it is, if you did ever want him to leave so you could take some space to figure things out, you can ask the police to issue a DVPO - domestic violence prevention order. You don’t even have to provide a full statement but you would need to report it initially to them: https://liverpooldomesticabuseservice.org.uk/what-is-a-domestic-violence-protection-order-dvpo/

if you report to the police that doesn’t necessarily mean you HAVE to give a statement and the case will go to court, so even just calling them, getting this logged and having giving an initial account could be a manageable first step. IDVAs can support you with this. The police will attend your address to speak to you both.
do bear in mind that if you do give a full written or video statement you could be bound to attend court if he was ever charged.

Finally, protecting yourself and your child is paramount, please do what you can / it feels safe to do. I want you to be aware that if the is does come out at some point, you need to be seen to be protecting your child and if you are not taking reasonable steps then social care could be involved. I don’t want to scare you but when there’s a child in the home, a lack of action could be used against you :(

the DV helpline can help you find emergency accommodation if you ever need it so please do save that number in case you ever need it in an emergency.

you’re not alone and none of this is your fault.

x

This is a great post.

OP, I really feel for you, what a huge shock this must have come as after so many years together. But as other posters have said, domestic abuse often starts after children come along.

Many men have had it drilled into their heads since birth that it is a woman's job to look after the house and children, and even if the front of their brains can see that this is no longer true, their deep down brain still believes it. This is why he is now treating you differently. You have done nothing to deserve it, other than being a woman.

I hope you can get some support in real life this morning.

Takeabreather23 · 24/07/2023 09:02

@yvonneb13 hes away pretending he’s so upset he had to go a walk to clear his head .
He doesn’t know what came over him last night and he's sorry. OR he had to get out the house as he’s so disappointed in you and needs time
to think . Either way the games have started .

Sadly I don’t think you will leave or go to the police and this is only the start of abuse now too. Stand up to him now leave the bastard you will anyway but do you want yourself abs child to suffer for years first?!

AndyMcFlurry · 24/07/2023 09:04

Locking him out won’t work anyway. He will just create merry hell in the street until the Op lets him in. Then she and her child are even more at risk inside the house with an angry man.

She needs to act smart , not provoke a fight.

The Op needs to get outside help to support her and her child to move out OR get him to move out . If he’s on the lease or the mortgage this isn’t easy, she needs family / friend support and professional advice .

This isn’t going to be fixed in a day, however much some posters seem to hope.

Im so sorry you are going through this OP, you and your baby don’t deserve it . You’ve done nothing wrong , it’s totally normal to go out with your mates, just as he does.

I think you know that this is the tip of the iceberg and that he’s shown you other signs of controlling behaviour. This is only going to escalate now and he’s crossed that line of hitting you.

amkm21 · 24/07/2023 09:08

I had an ex partner who slapped me so hard it bruised my face and friends thought I'd burned myself with my hair straighteners.
I should have left then and never spoken to him again but I didn't. It took a while and caused me horrible mental anguish.
Turns out he ended up in jail a few years later for sexual assault, it was on the news and I found out just before my wedding (to a thankfully much better human!).

You must be feeling so awful OP. wishing you all the strength and love to get through this.
Must be so hard after so long together and with kids.
It won't get better, and you deserve a happy life without wondering in the back of your mind if it could happen again or if he might hurt your kid.

I wish I had filed a police report in my case, and I hope you have the strength to, but I understand how horrible and hard it seems.
Either way, I hope you get out of this awful situation

♥️

Gettingbysomehow · 24/07/2023 09:12

This boundary testing is very dangerous. If you allow this and stay then it will escalate to full beating. I know. I've been there.

Ep1cfail · 24/07/2023 09:21

I'm so sorry he hurt you. It's totally unacceptable. I'm sure some people IRL will downplay a slap and suggest that it's one slap, and after 13 years, he deserves another chance. Unfortunately, once the abuse starts, it tends to escalate. It's hard to leave but living with it is harder. Its soul destroying and walking on eggshells is exhausting. Trust me ive been there. Talk to woman aid and make an excite plan. Do the freedom programme. You deserve better. Be careful because leaving can be a very dangerous time. Also, be prepared for tears, begging, anger, threats, suicide attempts ect.

pontipinemum · 24/07/2023 09:24

I am so sorry that happened to you. I don't really have anything to add to what has been said. Just wanted to add another voice to say you did absolutely nothing what so ever to deserve that, nothing.

Lacucuracha · 24/07/2023 09:30

Who owns the home/tenancy OP?

Ollifer · 24/07/2023 09:31

Honestly op has he really never shown an aggressive side before? It seems really extreme to go from nothing for so many years to then hitting you and threatening to batter you over you being 15 mins late home- especially when he hadn't been drinking.

Either way agree to take photos and call the police. If he can get that angry with you for no reason he could easily lose his temper with a baby/child.

DoubleTime · 24/07/2023 09:35

Won't he have just gone to work? Gives you time OP to call family or get advice from a helpline. Is there somewhere you could go stay for a few days ?

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 09:35

because I never go out in always the one who looks after the baby

And this is what you did wrong.

How dare you go out and have fun whilst he stayed indoors all evening.

He’s controlling because he doesn’t like you going out and in for any reason you chose to stay with him I can guarantee he’d make it difficult for you to go out again.

You should not have had to of come home just because your boy wouldn’t settle that’s his problem.
If you had said no he would have turned around and said the boy was poorly or something.

I know you’re in shock and I’m so sorry for what’s happened but it sounds like there have been massive red flags for a while and you’ve been in a controlling/abusive relationship without realising it.

He got physical because you dared to do something that he didn’t like.
The only reason he’s not got physical before is because you’ve always done what he wants.

I would get a friend round today and both take your son out for the day and tell him he needs to pack and be gone by the time you get home.

Beachwalker66 · 24/07/2023 09:40

You really do need to log this with police OP.

Do you own or rent?

You haven’t done anything wrong. This behaviour is intended to make you think twice about going out again.

Zeroperspective · 24/07/2023 09:40

OK lovely it's now the morning and you've managed a bit of sleep which is great. The danger now is that you try and rationalise this and excuse. Please don't it's inexcusable, your updates read as of you've been racking your brain to come up with a reason of why this is your fault, it isn't. What will be very telling is how he reacts when you next see/speak to him. If he accepts 100% it's all on him and he's horrified at his loss of control then there's a tiny chance with counselling you could get past this and chalk it up to a horrific one off. However much more likely he will attempt to place the blame on you or the baby, I was stressed because YOU were late or I was stressed because THE BABY wouldn't settle, if any apology comes with these caveats then leave immediately, change the locks, whatever you need to do as this will escalate and it won't be a one off. I was in a domestic abuse situation and I'm now permanently disabled with a spinal injury. I then got into another domestic abuse situation and clever me married this one and had kids with him! Don't be me lovely, learn from my mistakes. I've now left and I'm a single mum to two DC with additional needs, yes it's hard but it's also easier, happier, safer and the best decision for me and them, I will not have them growing up to think it's OK to treat their partner that way/be treated that way. Phone womens aid and talk it through with them and tell people IRL, you'll need support but you can and will get past this x

Tresto · 24/07/2023 09:42

You didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Your abusive partner thinks you should be at home with your baby not out having fun. He thinks it’s okay for him to go out and have a catch up and some fun but your place is in the house with your baby. Or maybe he thinks it’s not his responsibility to look after the baby. Or maybe he is annoyed at having to tend to the needs of others. Maybe he feels he should be the centre of attention with his needs and wants as centre stage. Think carefully and you will be able to think of previous selfishness/abstuve/self centred behaviour from him.

But now you need to focus on you and your needs and wants. He is not the man for you. He won’t protect you and he cannot cope with his own baby (loser that he is). He has shown you who he is. You cannot and won’t change him.
You need to contact the police so it’s on record. Then how can you move forward? Do you work? Have family ? You need to be safe and you are not safe in your home at present.

whoruntheworldgirls · 24/07/2023 09:45

Please please please use this time to get things thrown in a suitcase and leave! Ask anyone to help, a friend, family, get anything personal such as passports/birth certificates/other paper work. If needed put key's in the lock so he can't get his key in.

JoeyRamoney · 24/07/2023 09:49

Another weak pathetic excuse of a man.

He is punishing you for making him be a parent.

3BSHKATS · 24/07/2023 09:51

JoeyRamoney · 24/07/2023 09:49

Another weak pathetic excuse of a man.

He is punishing you for making him be a parent.

Literally this, they don’t tend to like it. Responsibility and all that you know being a father.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 24/07/2023 10:01

No doubt he will be back with flowers and a grovelling apology. I suspect this will get swept under the carpet and excises made and accepted for his behaviour but no matter the decision you make take on board the very good advice in some of these posts for next time.

littlenickyy61 · 24/07/2023 10:09

Its very important you report this and get it documented not just from a safety aspect for you and your child but also if you are leaving then there will be an issue of child custody and it will be important to show not only what he is capable of but that you can keep your child safe. You will also be able to apply for legal aid to assist you due to domestic violence. Please stay strong once this line has been crossed it rarely remains and isolated incident and next time you ‘step out of line’ he is ‘stressed’ the baby ‘refuses to settle’ you dare to go out it’s likely to happen again. Good luck / sorry if this advice has already been offered I haven’t had chance to read all replies x

Wrappertheday · 24/07/2023 10:11

This has happened because you stopped towing the line. Like you said, you don't usually go out. You stopped being compliant. This is who he is unfortunately.

TightPants · 24/07/2023 10:19

Please call Womens Aid OP.
Sorry this happened to you.

7eleven · 24/07/2023 10:23

Is your baby definitely ok this morning, OP? Definitely just the same as usual?

Mumof4plusbonus · 24/07/2023 10:24

You’ve had all the advice. Just want to say I hope you’re ok. You have done nothing to deserve this. Please try to gather the strength to leave, this relationship is wrong.

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 10:49

Wrappertheday · 24/07/2023 10:11

This has happened because you stopped towing the line. Like you said, you don't usually go out. You stopped being compliant. This is who he is unfortunately.

Exactly.

He’s been like this all along but you’ve not seen it because you usually do what you’re told.

Who tells someone to come home because their child won’t settle.
He did it simply because he didn’t want you out.

I remember my friends baby ended up in A&E when we were on the way out and so obviously had to come straight back.

My friend was screaming and in tears and her DP blamed her for not caring enough because he’d been trying to get hold of her but couldn’t, we had gone into Tesco and there was no signal but we weren’t long.

Funnily enough after multiple tests the doctors never found out what was wrong with the DD and she didn’t show any signs of ill health.

I of course can’t be certain that her DP faked their child’s illness but what I do know for certain is since then my friend hasn’t gone out (her DP does) and before that day there have multiple occasions where we’d planned to go out and then she cancelled last minute because they’ve had an argument, or he accused her of cheating, or he had made plans with his friends/family which were set in stone and she must have forgotten because she doesn’t care about him or he wanted them to have a night in together as he’d planned to get a takeaway and watch a film but she’d obviously prefer to be out with her mates than him because she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her.

Once you’ve come to terms with what he’s done you will look back and see how many red flags there were.