My partner just slapped me

[yvonneb13]

I'm in shock maybe disbelief I'm a little drunk after being at a festival and my partner phoned me to say our little boy wasn't settling I said I'd get the bus home which I thought was 9pm turns out it was 9;15 so I got home late he went absolutely mental doesn't want to be with me anymore called me so many names and then slapped me across the face and saying if I don't get out his way he's going to batter me I've been with this man for 13 years and this is the first time ever I've seen this side of him I'm currently crying in the living room and he's in the bedroom and I'm just in shock I'm gonna leave him I never thought in a million years he's ever hurt me and hear I am with a sore cheek that's all red it's not fair because I never go out in always the one who looks after the baby and the one night I don't rush to be home when he said I get this I honestly can't believe it

Well done for leaving OP.
I can't even imagine how awful it feels right now, but you did the right thing.

Be aware he is highly likely to come back begging for another chance and apologising. But just think.... what you now know about him .... what he has shown you.

1. He is fine letting you do almost all the work for your baby, while he is free to do what he wants
2. He has an extreme negative reaction to the idea of you having free time and/or him having to spend time with his own child or take responsibility. Being with his own child literally sent him into an abusive level of fury.
3. He will try to control you by dragging you back from very occasionally having a good time
4. He abused you physically and verbally. This is never acceptable, even if you had done something wrong, but you have done nothing wrong. That means it is impossible for you to live without provoking this.
5. He literally told you he would do even worse.
6. Even 12 hours later, in the morning, he didn't feel he had done anything worth apologising for.
7. While he hasn't done this for thirteen years, many men changed (or are revealed) by having children. So U would judge his behaviour now, as showing who it is you were with.

I am sure it will be really really hard to separate. But you are doing the right thing. Stick with it.

Am sending you hugs, and really glad your mum is there for you,

This.

Unfortunately if it does escalate and you end up in the family courts at some point it will be used against you.
Take photos and make a report.

Wishing you all the best

I’ve name changed. What started out as a kick as a teenager (which I rug swept) ended up as me being strangled on my floor 10 years later. It escalated gradually over years , I really struggled to escape.

Your mum sounds like a star. Listen to her and for your child’s sake call the police. You may need this to access legal aid.

Please stay at your mums and go to the police OP - not because it gets him arrested, but it means that it will be on record if he does it again, and may make it easier for you to protect your child if there is a custody dispute later.

He’s obviously got very stressed with the baby not settling and taken it out on you.
Not necessarily so.
My take on it was he didn't want her out enjoying herself.
What ever the reason its more than enough to get away from him.

I've left a post already and have been watching this thread with interest. At some point later today this thread will get deleted as the OP doesn't like the direction the thread has taken and the pressure she may feel to report her abusive husband.

But OP before you do ask for deletion, please read all of YOUR updates. See the logic of the situation and the timeline.

I know that fear and shock and the "need to hear him out." As many other posters here have shared their experiences. I know the fear of how quickly things can escalate once the law is involved and you just want things to go back to normal. But trust and believe that at some point in the near future when things are no longer able to be ignored and you can't tolerate the cruelty and abuse of whatever type; your be expected to tolerate. You will remember the first incidence and wished you had taken a hard stance from the get go. Please don't co-sign your own living hell just to make nice or keep the peace or keep the family together.

The police arrest people for 'lesser' assaults than that. Your soon to be ex, was obviously angry that you had the temerity to actually expect him to look after his own child, so he's reacted like that to ensure you don't get any ideas about doing it again. I had one like that - he will get worse. Get rid. Good luck. x

you can recover OP
he will always be a despicable man
there's no going back now, you must not relent

Absolutely go to the police. Sweetheart, I don't want to cause you more stress but this is the beginning of your journey. I want to assure you that this journey will have a good ending with you being independent and being happy again, but you are going to have to 'walk that walk' to get there.

If you think he's going to want to see his child or is going to cause you any difficulty, you are going to want and need any evidence of his abuse that you can 'make official' in case it ends up in court or with Social Services. Take your mum's advice and let her support you.

Remember in the wise words of Christopher Robin:

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

If you think he's going to want to see his child or is going to cause you any difficulty, you are going to want and need any evidence of his abuse that you can 'make official' in case it ends up in court or with Social Services.

of course he’s going to want to see his child and smacking the mother around the face once it’s not going to be enough to prevent that.
It’s certainly wouldn’t prevent him getting 50-50 custody in due course.

I do think she should document it with the police as much as anything in case he’s next partner wants to have a look at his record on the Sarah ‘s law. But she’s not gonna varnish off into the sunset with this man’s child and never see or speak to him again that’s entirely unrealistic.

Go to the police.
Not just for you but for your baby and for the next woman in his life. He won’t stop here.

sweetheart. 24 years ago I finally left my husband of 10 years after he hit me. I never looked back. Before that physical abuse, he would hound me if i ever went out and make excuses for me to come home ( less than 2x out a year) I went to a work christmas do. He was invited and we had childcare for my daughter who was 8.. he told me that my dress was slutty (omg no it was not) told me to go change. something snapped and i said no. I am going in this dress . He told me he had a headache and couldn't go so we should cancel sitter. I said ok.. so you are good alone with her? he said NO you cannot go. I DID GO. I was out from 8 pm until 12 am so four hours. When I got home he called the police on me for drinking and driving. UM. that backfired spectacularly on him as my co worker was married to a police officer on our local force...he drove us to the venue and brought me back home safe. Ex was asked to leave for the night by the police. things seemed to settle, then I had a minor operation due and he made a comment and i snapped. I was in the bathtub as i had to be at hospital early morning so wanted to be fresh as i would not have time for a shower even.. He came in our bedroom after i got out of tub and told me that I was a slut and he knew i was aborting my boyfriends baby? wholly hell.. I was getting an ovary removed. He hit me with a big pc of wood.. then starting crying and saying he would go to his mothers that night and come back to get me in the morning for my surgery. THEN as he was leaving he turned to me and said. I love you. Your MADE me so angry. I did not mean to hurt you...but if you leave me,, I will find you and i will Kill you. I waited till he was at his mothers about 30 min away and called me 6 times in a row.. just ranting at me. I kept him on the phone as best I could (pre cell phone days) as I packed my stuff and and my daughters stuff. We went to a womens shelter 50 miles away. NEVER looked back. I have been happily married to my husband for 21 years now and he adopted that daughter of mine!! Life can get SO much better with or without a man!

OP - I have read all your posts but not the entire thread. Hopefully someone has already mentioned this, but please read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? You can download the ebook or buy on eBay. It is really eye opening and I think it will help you a lot - it is also really compassionate about how this behaviour can make you feel.

So glad you are safe with your mum. Definitely go to the GP and report etc. It’s important you start keeping a record. You will be glad you did if he starts trying to share custody or anything and says you made this incident up. Having this type of thing recorded will help you protect you child. If he lashes out like this at you, imagine how he could behave with an unreasonable toddler.

good luck

I hope you called the police

Oh love, I came back to this thread to check up on you. You are lucky to have a lovely supportive family so you are in a good space from that perspective. You DONT need him, you DONT need to stay with him, you are free.

You are strong, you have a beautiful child and most of us on here are so proud and impressed you left and made that move.

you will be shocked, destroyed, angry, upset but you WILL get over it and him. I promise you that, it may take a year or even longer, but your life will move on to a better place.

Stay strong, big hugs x

Well done on calling your mum. Well done on getting you and your baby out of there and to your mum's. That took strength. Now listen to your mum. She is right that the best way forward is to call the police. You need to stay strong, for your sake and your baby's. You must not go back to the abusive bastard who assaulted you. Next time he could kill you. Next time he could kill your baby. Stay strong.

Oh, @yvonneb13
I'm sorry this has happened to you and your baby.

It must be so, so difficult to understand how someone you've loved and grown up with for half your life can do this to you....especially as you've given him your whole self and have done everything to make him happy and make sure he's had a lovely home.

As PP have said, you wanting to go out for just one night alone to have some enjoyment with friends has changed that narrative. He can't handle you not being at his beck and call for even a few hours..he wants you to be the young 16 year old girl who worshipped him.

IF, he loved and cared for your well-being he would be thrilled that you were going to have a night out to yourself and have a chance to recharge.....this is how adults do life....
He was furious and couldn't handle that you've decided to have an adult life....you're not 16 any more. A normal partner would be maturing into an adult man with you, not acting like a stroppy angry teen.
He's turned violent now and has proved his true nature...he must be shown that what he's done will not be allowed to happen again so the police must be involved.

You sound like a lovely kind person and deserve to be treated the same. You can do this! You've been doing it all on your own already, except now you won't have to be worrying about pleasing him.

It's time to start living your best life with your little one You can do this, OP!

She says ‘I've been with this man for 13 years and this is the first time ever I've seen this side of him’. Been lazy vs controlling snd violent are too different things.

im not saying he is depressed and wouldn’t excuse anything but it’s a fair question. Depression affects different people in different ways. Some people do lash out, others don’t. Look at Caroline Flack. She was branded a monster for attacking her partner when she was spiralling. It’s important to understand the context and not make assumptions - however triggering that might be to the reader

It is not a fair question. She whacked him with a lamp while he was asleep. Would we be asking his family to "consider the context" if he'd been permanently damaged? Oscar Pistorius reckoned Generalised Anxiety Disorder caused him to shoot Reeva Steenkamp - are we letting him off on that one?

It's common for abuse to start after you've had a baby with them.

Also worth noting that it's common for people to say here that they didn't see any abuse before now but as they discuss the relationship in further posts, you realise there was abuse. They just didn't recognise it as abuse.

Even Ted bundies wife for example, said she wasn't abused in an interview. And then went on to talk about abusive behavior he displayed as if it was just 'normal relationship disagreements'

It’s a reasonable question to ask, why is this so out of character? There are lots of reasons for that, including mood difficulties. There are lots of abusive partners out there and there are also people who have mental health difficulties. That’s a fact! None of us know the situation

So you're suggesting she (AND AN INFANT) should give things another go in case he said he was going to "batter" her due to depression? As long as he says he won't do it again?

For god's sake.

It's not about punishing the guy. It's about safety.

Call the police OP right away.

Ok but I asked the question just after the post went live. It’s a reasonable question since she initially said it was out of character in 13 years. If it was a woman more people would question mental health after having a baby, people don’t consider that if it’s a man