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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner just slapped me

477 replies

yvonneb13 · 23/07/2023 22:43

I'm in shock maybe disbelief I'm a little drunk after being at a festival and my partner phoned me to say our little boy wasn't settling I said I'd get the bus home which I thought was 9pm turns out it was 9;15 so I got home late he went absolutely mental doesn't want to be with me anymore called me so many names and then slapped me across the face and saying if I don't get out his way he's going to batter me I've been with this man for 13 years and this is the first time ever I've seen this side of him I'm currently crying in the living room and he's in the bedroom and I'm just in shock I'm gonna leave him I never thought in a million years he's ever hurt me and hear I am with a sore cheek that's all red it's not fair because I never go out in always the one who looks after the baby and the one night I don't rush to be home when he said I get this I honestly can't believe it

OP posts:
3BSHKATS · 24/07/2023 14:05

yvonneb13 · 24/07/2023 13:56

He came back no apologies just looked at me and walked back in room I'm currently waiting on getting picked by my mum I'm absolutely broken

Well, I, for one am relieved he didn’t say anything and didn’t punch you in the face. That was actually the best possible scenario. He is now showing you he’s got no interest in you. You need to reciprocate.

Pinkbonbon · 24/07/2023 14:06

Who's house is it?
He should be the one to leave.

But tbf if he has the brass neck to come home rn after doing what he did then its best you just do what it takes to get away fast.

Absolutely make a statement to the police when you feel able. It is useful to have record of these things. Eg: if you decide to go for full custody.

LakieLady · 24/07/2023 14:06

One day it's a slap, the next it's a punch, then it's kicked down the stairs, then you're possibly in the "2 women a week killed by partner" statistic.

This.

The boyfriend I left home to live with started with the occasional shove, then added yanking me about by the arm. Then it was a slap, then a punch. Then one day, during an argument about money, he pushed me back onto the bed, knelt on my arms so I couldn't protect myself, crumpled up the £5 notes we'd been arguing about, and forced them into my mouth, one at a time, until I thought I would choke to death.

That was nearly 50 years ago, and the terror still chills me, all these years later.

Tresto · 24/07/2023 14:07

He hasn’t said anything as he feels he has done nothing wrong. He feels you did something wrong and he responded to that wrong doing.

Your reaction is normal and as others have said cognitive dissonance is at work. You hope it’s a one off, a mistake. But sadly it won’t be.

I hope you manage to leave quickly and that your friends and family give you the support you need to rebuild your life away from this man.

DoubleTime · 24/07/2023 14:08

Not worth the wait, was it OP? Will your Mum be there soon ? Have you got everything you need to take so you don't have to go back for anything for a while (and if you ever need to, send someone else).
Just quietly leave with your Mum, don't get try to get him into a conversation, he is still angry, and he is not sorry at all.
But we here at MN are all very, very glad that you are going and very proud that you chose to leave and didn't let abuse like that define your life.
This is the start of your new and better life.

Pablothepalm · 24/07/2023 14:09

I Hope you and your baby are safe OP.
I’m glad your mum came to pick you up.

please do report it to police because you will have to co-parent with your ex and then he’s alone with your child. Make sure the domestic violence is documented for court and custody arrangements later.

I didn’t do that and my ex continued controlling me by proxy through the kids and court hearings. Be smart and think of the future.

Tresto · 24/07/2023 14:09

@LakieLady i am sorry that happened to you.

LividHot · 24/07/2023 14:09

I’m so sorry, @LakieLady

And so sorry for so many of us including OP who have been through similar.

You can do this, OP. But also, statistically I know you probably won’t, for a while. And I hate that for all of us.

scoobysnaxx · 24/07/2023 14:11

Broken hearts can and will heal.

He didn't say anything or apologise. He thinks you'll probably stay and not have the balls to go.

Did you tell your mum what happened?

Please leave and don't ever look back. EVER. For the sake of your child.

Report it to the police and get mum to take some pictures.

Don't ever let anyone abuse or threaten you like that again!!

DoubleTime · 24/07/2023 14:12

That's horrific @LakieLady, I am so sorry to hear that.

Redruby2020 · 24/07/2023 14:13

LakieLady · 24/07/2023 14:06

One day it's a slap, the next it's a punch, then it's kicked down the stairs, then you're possibly in the "2 women a week killed by partner" statistic.

This.

The boyfriend I left home to live with started with the occasional shove, then added yanking me about by the arm. Then it was a slap, then a punch. Then one day, during an argument about money, he pushed me back onto the bed, knelt on my arms so I couldn't protect myself, crumpled up the £5 notes we'd been arguing about, and forced them into my mouth, one at a time, until I thought I would choke to death.

That was nearly 50 years ago, and the terror still chills me, all these years later.

Sounds like similar things I went through. I am still so mad at myself why I accepted that, but I know alot of it came from what I grew up with, I am sorry you suffered so much and I can relate, that you think it's in the past but it still comes back to haunt you.

ScribblingPixie · 24/07/2023 14:22

Please do leave. And report this to the police. It won't be easy but you'll look back and know you did absolutely the right thing.

Ep1cfail · 24/07/2023 14:25

LakieLady · 24/07/2023 14:06

One day it's a slap, the next it's a punch, then it's kicked down the stairs, then you're possibly in the "2 women a week killed by partner" statistic.

This.

The boyfriend I left home to live with started with the occasional shove, then added yanking me about by the arm. Then it was a slap, then a punch. Then one day, during an argument about money, he pushed me back onto the bed, knelt on my arms so I couldn't protect myself, crumpled up the £5 notes we'd been arguing about, and forced them into my mouth, one at a time, until I thought I would choke to death.

That was nearly 50 years ago, and the terror still chills me, all these years later.

I couldn't have a normal relationship after my ex. It took years to recover emotionally. To realise that his violence wasn't passion. Kind, loving, and thoughtful seemed boring for a long time after. I left him because I knew he would kill me. His last attack he throw a mirror at me while I was naked in the bath. It smashed on the wall above the bath and cut all my legs. I still have scars all up my legs. He smashed the phone in the house so I couldn't call for help and kept me in the house until he was certain I wouldn't tell anyone. I bumped into him about 15 years ago and he couldn't understand why I didn't want to chat.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2023 14:26

@yvonneb13

This is NOT your fault. There is nothing anyone can do that justifies being abused or struck by their partner.

There's no point in talking to him. He hit you. What amount of talking will make you understand why or make it ok that he did? Just remember that abuse escalates. If he 'gets away' with hitting you this time, he'll remember that he got away with it the next time he feels like hitting you. And the next, and the next until 'hitting is OK' is ingrained in him and may actually carry over to your children.

Get to your mum's. Let her take care of the baby whilst you sit and catch your breath and figure out your next move.

Once you have, take a look at the totality of your relationship and examine it for red flags. Often we think things are fine but when we really look we see patterns of behaviour that have we developed over the years to 'keep the peace'. These are small behaviours or keeping quiet that in and of themselves appear to be 'no big deal' and have become second nature to us but added up they amount to years of 'walking on ice' or even changing 'who we are' to avoid riling these abusive partners. And also, remember that abuse isn't always physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can be tiny jabs, putdowns, and even facial expressions.

Also remember that any amount of tears, regret, or promises to change or 'it'll never happen again' on his part will actually change him. And if he promises to 'get help' he should do that without you because he knows he is sick and not just to 'get you back'.

tattygrl · 24/07/2023 14:26

This must feel so hard, OP.

Look at this through the eyes of your child. What an incredible, strong, inspirational example you are setting to your child in leaving a relationship the second he put his hands on you. You are, right now, teaching your child that violence and abuse is never acceptable, and that you must keep yourself safe, always. That no matter how long you've been in a relationship, abuse means it's time to leave.

Hold on to that shining example you're giving your child as you go through this hard time.

Thelonelygiraffe · 24/07/2023 14:30

Well, he's a cunt. He clearly thinks your place is in the home looking after him and he can do what he wants. The first time you go out, he acts like this? I'd contact the police. And I'd collect all important paperwork you need from the house, including financial stuff, and leave. Can you tell your mum what has happened?

Do you rent/own your home? If so, are you on the deeds?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve much better.

Thelonelygiraffe · 24/07/2023 14:31

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2023 14:26

@yvonneb13

This is NOT your fault. There is nothing anyone can do that justifies being abused or struck by their partner.

There's no point in talking to him. He hit you. What amount of talking will make you understand why or make it ok that he did? Just remember that abuse escalates. If he 'gets away' with hitting you this time, he'll remember that he got away with it the next time he feels like hitting you. And the next, and the next until 'hitting is OK' is ingrained in him and may actually carry over to your children.

Get to your mum's. Let her take care of the baby whilst you sit and catch your breath and figure out your next move.

Once you have, take a look at the totality of your relationship and examine it for red flags. Often we think things are fine but when we really look we see patterns of behaviour that have we developed over the years to 'keep the peace'. These are small behaviours or keeping quiet that in and of themselves appear to be 'no big deal' and have become second nature to us but added up they amount to years of 'walking on ice' or even changing 'who we are' to avoid riling these abusive partners. And also, remember that abuse isn't always physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can be tiny jabs, putdowns, and even facial expressions.

Also remember that any amount of tears, regret, or promises to change or 'it'll never happen again' on his part will actually change him. And if he promises to 'get help' he should do that without you because he knows he is sick and not just to 'get you back'.

And yes to all this.

Oversharingnamechanged · 24/07/2023 14:31

LakieLady · 24/07/2023 14:06

One day it's a slap, the next it's a punch, then it's kicked down the stairs, then you're possibly in the "2 women a week killed by partner" statistic.

This.

The boyfriend I left home to live with started with the occasional shove, then added yanking me about by the arm. Then it was a slap, then a punch. Then one day, during an argument about money, he pushed me back onto the bed, knelt on my arms so I couldn't protect myself, crumpled up the £5 notes we'd been arguing about, and forced them into my mouth, one at a time, until I thought I would choke to death.

That was nearly 50 years ago, and the terror still chills me, all these years later.

Absolutely chilling. I just wish you the most incredible things for you, I'm so sorry you experienced something so rotten. You deserve a life of magic. ❤

Lifeistough74 · 24/07/2023 14:37

Oh that’s awful yeah try and exit

JFDIYOLO · 24/07/2023 14:37

Are you ok today? Are you and baby safely with mum yet? That's the most important thing - getting away from him. Getting to safety.

In the shocking aftermath it's so hard to think clearly and take action - but it's essential. Do you have family & friends to rally round?

Have you contacted the police? This is classic escalating behaviour and it always starts with something that gets worse, as so many women here can testify. They need to have a timeline and evidence.

Did you photograph your face? It's evidence.

A doctor's appointment for both if possible - they can confirm bruising etc and check baby's welfare.

Thinking about rights and property is hard, but - do you own your home? Rent? Mortgage? Who pays what?

If it's mortgage it's complicated and it's wise to get professional advice.

He will do one of several things:

Act as if you don't exist and block you and baby out? Remember you have a right to child support.

Beg, apologise, promise, cry? Worthless. You've seen his true face and the mask WILL slip again if you believe him and go back.

Turn nasty and threaten self harm, harm to you or baby, insult, lie, DARVO (deny, attack, reversing victim and offender), gaslight (it was all your fault, if you hadn't ... I wouldn't have ... I didn't ...)? Write out what happened, starting with your posts here and refining them. Keep all evidence, screenshot emails, texts, posts of any kind, record phone calls. Evidence for the police.

Go underground and spread lies to family and friends and colleagues about you? Get there first - ensure everyone knows why you have removed yourself and baby to safety to escape him. You'll need your network.

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/07/2023 14:42

@yvonneb13 have you told your mum exactly what happened? That he hit you? Hopefully your mum will convince you to stay away from him and support you if she knows the full truth.

Original poster
yvonneb13 · 24/07/2023 14:42

JFDIYOLO · 24/07/2023 14:37

Are you ok today? Are you and baby safely with mum yet? That's the most important thing - getting away from him. Getting to safety.

In the shocking aftermath it's so hard to think clearly and take action - but it's essential. Do you have family & friends to rally round?

Have you contacted the police? This is classic escalating behaviour and it always starts with something that gets worse, as so many women here can testify. They need to have a timeline and evidence.

Did you photograph your face? It's evidence.

A doctor's appointment for both if possible - they can confirm bruising etc and check baby's welfare.

Thinking about rights and property is hard, but - do you own your home? Rent? Mortgage? Who pays what?

If it's mortgage it's complicated and it's wise to get professional advice.

He will do one of several things:

Act as if you don't exist and block you and baby out? Remember you have a right to child support.

Beg, apologise, promise, cry? Worthless. You've seen his true face and the mask WILL slip again if you believe him and go back.

Turn nasty and threaten self harm, harm to you or baby, insult, lie, DARVO (deny, attack, reversing victim and offender), gaslight (it was all your fault, if you hadn't ... I wouldn't have ... I didn't ...)? Write out what happened, starting with your posts here and refining them. Keep all evidence, screenshot emails, texts, posts of any kind, record phone calls. Evidence for the police.

Go underground and spread lies to family and friends and colleagues about you? Get there first - ensure everyone knows why you have removed yourself and baby to safety to escape him. You'll need your network.

We're with my mum im definitely not okay I can't stop crying I feel like I've wasted my life absolutely devastated

OP posts:
iamenougheveryday · 24/07/2023 14:44

yvonneb13 · 24/07/2023 14:42

We're with my mum im definitely not okay I can't stop crying I feel like I've wasted my life absolutely devastated

Show quote history

You have not wasted your life. Life is full of many chapters, and just because this chapter has ended it only means a new one is ready to start. You are in control. Make the life you want.

monsteramunch · 24/07/2023 14:46

OP I know you're understandably overwhelmed but please, please take a picture of any redness or bruising if you haven't already.

And as soon as you're safely at your mums with your little one, report this to the police. You need to do so in order to keep your child safe. You need a paper trail to do this.

letthemalldoone · 24/07/2023 14:48

yvonneb13 · 24/07/2023 14:42

We're with my mum im definitely not okay I can't stop crying I feel like I've wasted my life absolutely devastated

Show quote history

You haven't wasted your life. You have spent a part of it with a man who has only now shown you his true colours. You have your baby too.

Get your mum to call the police if you can't/won't. You need evidence - could be useful too in any custody issues.

What does your mum say about what happened? If you were my daughter I would want to carry out extreme acts of violence towards him and I am not a violent person!