Wife out all the time leaving me to watch DC. Is this OK?

[Dipped1981]

Wow this became really long I’m sorry. Please read and help if you can.

I (M/42) and my wife (F/35) have been together for 11 years married for 8. We have two DD one just about 5 and one 3. I love my wife with all my heart so I’m feeling very down and lost at the moment.

Everything was fine until 2 years ago. My wife is a social butterfly who has never lost touch with any friend she’s ever had (seriously - this is important later) so she always had plans in her diary months in advance. When it was just us that was absolutely fine - I would never tell her what to do, I’m not controlling or jealous etc. all I asked was she told me where in case she needed me. I genuinely do at least 30-40% of the housework
and I do every school run as I work from home. I’m a solicitor so I’m very busy from 8am - 7pm most days.

When we had DD1 after 2 years TTC I thought we were deliriously happy and all was great so we went on to have DD2. 9 months after DD2 was born my wife told me that actually she felt trapped and crushed at home and wanted to become an on call firefighter in a local village. Fine I said I’ll support whatever you do.

At the time I had no idea what being an on call FF would be like. I thought she would occasionally be required to do some fire duties or something and it would give her something exciting to do around our family. I supported her through the 6 weeks in total RESIDENTIAL courses and she got in at the 3rd time of trying. We even had to have a friend here every day for weeks so that I could work.

From this point on everything started to go down hill. It became an obsession - she couldn’t be at the station enough! Turns out they actually have to be on call for at least 84 hours per week and they have a roster that must be stuck to day and night. Also to get through probation they have to do a ton of write ups and quizzes and courses and community days etc. The shouts themselves are random and clustered so she says it’s not a big deal, but it’s everything that comes with it that caused an issue. It’s insidious and has worked it’s way into every aspect of our lives - she constantly thinks about it or is down there doing something for it and she’s admitted she has to be around it. They’re all the same not just her but it’s bizarre.

As a probie she was assigned a mentor - call him Bob. Bob (m/37) was going through a rough marriage breakup and my wife became his support network - this is very in character for her. The problem was she started going out socially with Bob to cheer him up and let him talk, first with other friends or colleagues, then alone. I trusted her implicitly and again would never say no to her doing things. Now my wife is a bit of a ladette and to be in that make environment you have to be, so she can be very inappropriate with innocent sexual banter etc. All fine I know her.

The issues started when people kept insinuating that her and Bob were having an affair as they had become so close and the sexual jokes escalated. Friends even noticed and her boss called her into the office to tell her to tone it down - he even suggested we must have an open marriage it had gone that far! I then began to think “if everyone else is saying it, should I be worried?!” And this thought escalated into total paranoia about it. Rationally I trusted her, irrationally I was terrified she was cheating. We didn’t even have sex for 7 months.

this went on for a year before I finally confronted her about it. She was shocked and had no idea I felt this way. We cried and talked and I believe her nothing happened with Bob or anyone else, but this was just one issue we resolved. The other issue was the time she spent at the station. I genuinely felt like it was her main priority consuming 50% of her time, our DC came joint second with her phone (everyone comments on her phone useage) and I came last as under 5% of her priority. She was shocked by this too and things have been better. She kept saying she would quit the fire (which secretly I would love but would never make her do) but I know if she did she would just resent me and we’d be over within 6 months anyway as a result. The only option is to keep the fire and be secretly unhappy with its negative effect on our relationship whilst smiling and insisting all is now OK.

Now as I said she’s a social butterfly and never loses touch with anyone. So throughout all of this she is also out 2-3 nights per week (and almost every daytime too) with her other friends. This continues even now - this next week she’s out 6 nights out of 7 for example. This means I have no friends and never go out as I watch the children and do every bed time (she has genuinely done less than 10% of all bedtimes ever). This has left me feeling lonely and isolated and more like a convenient babysitter than a husband and father.

since our chats we’ve been much better, had very regular sex and told each other regularly how much we love each other. We’ve had some date nights and I’ve surprised her with a trip to Paris for our anniversary next month.

But her going out habits haven’t changed at all so I’m still stuck at home alone most of the time with nothing but my thoughts and I can’t go out as our DC are asleep upstairs. Last night for example she had an old work leaving party - she said she didn’t want to go, was telling me she was bored at 10pm but didn’t roll in drunk until 2.30am. I hadn’t slept as I kept expecting her back based on her texts. She’s now hungover so today (family day) is wasted as she can’t do anything anyway.

I’ve tried to tell her it’s too much in a nice way - “just remember we like to see you too haha”
or similar, but I genuinely feel like she’d rather do stuff with anyone but me even though she insists thats not true. We’ve never stayed out until 2.30am together and if I ever suggested it she would say no as she’d be too tired!

She recently mentioned wanting to go on a Butlins adult weekender with Bob as his ‘best friend’ and for the first time ever I had to say no to her. It sent my anxiety through the roof. I agonised over this and actually felt bad but I think this is a hard line and frankly not something I should even have to say - where is her respect for my feelings or our marriage?! She of course said she feels controlled now and she wants it to be like it was where “she could do anything she felt like and it was all OK” (her words). Don’t forget that this is all on top of her other plans with people - at least twice per week, plus the fire drill night every Thursday. She’s also now started arranging events with some new people she’s met on top of all the other stuff. I’m genuinely starting to wonder where I fit in, but she tells me I’m just being stupid and “she can’t stay home all the time”.

So, am I being unreasonable here? Should I let her do whatever she wants without issue? I genuinely could not be controlling it’s just not me, but I’m going insane with loneliness in my own marriage. If I can’t have my wife I don’t want anyone so I don’t want to find someone else to be happy with ever, but my heart is breaking here and I also feel like I already don’t have her and I’m just the glorified help and that being out 4-7 nights each week is not OK. She just tells me I’m being silly or unreasonable.

tl:dr wife always out with others I’m a live in helper is this OK.

You seem very angry. I can assure you I have not lied. I do not want a divorce though you’re right, I want my family to stay together as I said right at the start. All the best.

I do both school runs and yes youngest is at preschool. That’s how she can be a FF at all I'm here so she can drop everything and run when the pager goes off.

But that’s not compatible with you working 11 hours a day.
You wouldn’t be able to work with a 3yo and a 5yo in the house from 3.30pm (Assuming your 3yo has 30 hours funded)

So the pager stuff can only be happening occasionally. Otherwise it would have a huge impact on your work, which you’re not mentioning??

You need to give practical details OP. Your wife's employment before and after your first and second child. Was she employed when she first became pregnant, did she return, why not etc. What was she doing in the 9 months between first snd second child and Is she now employed as a firefighter or volunteering?

If your wife has never been a stay at home mum, who was looking after your child/children from birth to pre-school/school?

I bet you are feeling happier now that your wife has been vilified.

And I'm not angry that you can't see how wrong it is that you purposefully posted here in a selective way to engineer that but I feel sad for your wife. The woman who bore and raised your children and cried because she thought her innocent actions had caused you pain.

I hope she has seen the whole thread and not just edited highlights

I normally eye the threads from men with suspicion on here but not this particular one. Perhaps I am wrong on some of that.

But this part is a huge reach...
and cried because she thought her innocent actions had caused you pain.

It's not innocent to embarrass your husband so publically like that, to the point where everyone is commenting and laughing and her boss had to tell her to tone it down.

And then a year later put her husband in a position where he has to say No to her going away with the same man, and instead of respecting that she then said she feels controlled.

I’m a single woman. I don’t go out 6 nights out of 7 in a week! Goodness! Who even pays for all this outing?! I’ll be very suspicious of whatever she has with this Bob of a guy.

'She was shocked and had no idea I felt this way. We cried and talked and I believe her nothing happened with Bob or anyone else, but this was just one issue we resolved.'

Not a reach. OPs own words.

@PocketSand
It's a reach to make out that she had that dynamic with that man and thought it was all completely innocent, anyone with a single brain cell would know how it could be hurtful, upsetting, embarrassing for their partner, disrespectful and so on.

Just because she cried doesn't mean anything, appearing shocked doesn't mean anything either, she can't be that stupid. Pretty much everyone behaving inappropriately won't admit it and will say they never realised.

And again there was the accusation that the OP was controlling when he didn't want her to go away with this man. That's manipulative

We don't know. They may be friends or more. I have had male friends that I absolutely don't fancy but love them like a brother. He may fall in this category. We don't know.

All we do know from this thread is that OP has lit the torch paper, obfuscated and played the victim to the extent that pp have said LTB because she is unfair but mainly because she is assumed to be a bad mother and a cheat and he has not defended her despite saying he wants to remain with her and loves her. He's not even said anything about her as a mother. 'She was never a SAHM' - not even following birth?

And now they have had a chat and he's happy.

Talking about residential training OP wrote 'We even had to have a friend here every day for weeks so that I could work.' Why, if his wife was not a SAHM and primary carer?

@Dipped1981 I agree with the other comments that she’s treating you like a mug and is taking the piss. So she can be dedicated to her work and her social life but can’t give time to you and the kids? She’s basically living a single life, and there’s obviously more to it with “Bob”. Sounds like she knows she can walk all over you to be honest. Prior to your talk she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and that wasn’t spending time with you. You may as well split up, have the kids half the time and make a life for yourself the other half.

you sound like an absolutely amazing dad and husband! Personally you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. If she won’t listen get yourself out and say no you’re looking after the kids. Absolutely no way would I be booking a trip with another man it’s absurd! She needs a short sharp shock that you won’t be at her beck and call even if you hide round the corner and take yourself out for a meal do something out of character to shock her and hopefully she will stop taking you for granted.

My guess is she's sleeping with Bob. This is not how a married women acts.

@PocketSand
Even if she genuinely loved him like a brother, most people in relationships would have the cop on and respect for their partner to not behave in that way to the point where everyone questioned it and the boss pulled her up on it.
They also wouldn't try to go away with that person on a trip out of respect for their partner, especially in light of the fact that everyone believed something was going on.

Also I said I might have been wrong not to be suspicious about the rest of it but if he's deliberately trying to mislead people on here then the advice given isn't really going to be applicable to his situation anyway.

When my ex went onto forums or asked friends for advice on our relationship he totally misrepresented the situation, therefore coming at me with X thinks this or that, it meant nothing to me and had no bearing on what I did because X didn't know the actual real story!

If she genuinely does have a good balance then most likely she's going to ignore his complaints, if he's telling her she's never home when she knows that she's home plenty then she'll most likely to continue to ignore him too.

Thanks for playing the role of amateur Dick and helping us all see past the obfuscation! The detective work had some merit at first, but felt like flogging a dead horse as it dragged on past clarifications from the OP and other posters.

It doesn’t sound as OP has previously been vocal enough with his wife over the things that have been causing issues and communicating that he’s close to breaking point, so I don’t think he’s being a walkover to have a try at making it work. I think some pretty big changes will be needed though.

It's not innocent to embarrass your husband so publically like that, to the point where everyone is commenting and laughing and her boss had to tell her to tone it down.

@MumGMT I fully agree with you.
The problem is that the OP doesn’t seem to have an issue with that part and her friendship with Bob.
His issue was about her being out too much. His last update confirms that.

I found the whole thing . Because there was a lot of very damming information about her, a lot of things that portrayed him well and an issue that was unrelated to anything at all.
And he didn’t say anything at all for a year after everyone commented? Why???
There is nothing logical in his posts.

Well he sounds extremely passive about it but he DID have an issue with it once he started to worry about it.

I then began to think “if everyone else is saying it, should I be worried?!” And this thought escalated into total paranoia about it. Rationally I trusted her, irrationally I was terrified she was cheating.

Again, he was extremely passive and didn't mention it for a year as you said.

And he still does have a problem with it as he said in the OP She recently mentioned wanting to go on a Butlins adult weekender with Bob as his ‘best friend’ and for the first time ever I had to say no to her. It sent my anxiety through the roof. I agonised over this and actually felt bad but I think this is a hard line and frankly not something I should even have to say - where is her respect for my feelings or our marriage?!

Perhaps he's in denial about it and is content enough as long as they don't go away together 🙈

I have definitely seen similar enough posts from other men over the years on other forums etc from men who seem strangely passive when something like that goes on....only to be full of rage later on.