Wife out all the time leaving me to watch DC. Is this OK?

[Dipped1981]

Wow this became really long I’m sorry. Please read and help if you can.

I (M/42) and my wife (F/35) have been together for 11 years married for 8. We have two DD one just about 5 and one 3. I love my wife with all my heart so I’m feeling very down and lost at the moment.

Everything was fine until 2 years ago. My wife is a social butterfly who has never lost touch with any friend she’s ever had (seriously - this is important later) so she always had plans in her diary months in advance. When it was just us that was absolutely fine - I would never tell her what to do, I’m not controlling or jealous etc. all I asked was she told me where in case she needed me. I genuinely do at least 30-40% of the housework
and I do every school run as I work from home. I’m a solicitor so I’m very busy from 8am - 7pm most days.

When we had DD1 after 2 years TTC I thought we were deliriously happy and all was great so we went on to have DD2. 9 months after DD2 was born my wife told me that actually she felt trapped and crushed at home and wanted to become an on call firefighter in a local village. Fine I said I’ll support whatever you do.

At the time I had no idea what being an on call FF would be like. I thought she would occasionally be required to do some fire duties or something and it would give her something exciting to do around our family. I supported her through the 6 weeks in total RESIDENTIAL courses and she got in at the 3rd time of trying. We even had to have a friend here every day for weeks so that I could work.

From this point on everything started to go down hill. It became an obsession - she couldn’t be at the station enough! Turns out they actually have to be on call for at least 84 hours per week and they have a roster that must be stuck to day and night. Also to get through probation they have to do a ton of write ups and quizzes and courses and community days etc. The shouts themselves are random and clustered so she says it’s not a big deal, but it’s everything that comes with it that caused an issue. It’s insidious and has worked it’s way into every aspect of our lives - she constantly thinks about it or is down there doing something for it and she’s admitted she has to be around it. They’re all the same not just her but it’s bizarre.

As a probie she was assigned a mentor - call him Bob. Bob (m/37) was going through a rough marriage breakup and my wife became his support network - this is very in character for her. The problem was she started going out socially with Bob to cheer him up and let him talk, first with other friends or colleagues, then alone. I trusted her implicitly and again would never say no to her doing things. Now my wife is a bit of a ladette and to be in that make environment you have to be, so she can be very inappropriate with innocent sexual banter etc. All fine I know her.

The issues started when people kept insinuating that her and Bob were having an affair as they had become so close and the sexual jokes escalated. Friends even noticed and her boss called her into the office to tell her to tone it down - he even suggested we must have an open marriage it had gone that far! I then began to think “if everyone else is saying it, should I be worried?!” And this thought escalated into total paranoia about it. Rationally I trusted her, irrationally I was terrified she was cheating. We didn’t even have sex for 7 months.

this went on for a year before I finally confronted her about it. She was shocked and had no idea I felt this way. We cried and talked and I believe her nothing happened with Bob or anyone else, but this was just one issue we resolved. The other issue was the time she spent at the station. I genuinely felt like it was her main priority consuming 50% of her time, our DC came joint second with her phone (everyone comments on her phone useage) and I came last as under 5% of her priority. She was shocked by this too and things have been better. She kept saying she would quit the fire (which secretly I would love but would never make her do) but I know if she did she would just resent me and we’d be over within 6 months anyway as a result. The only option is to keep the fire and be secretly unhappy with its negative effect on our relationship whilst smiling and insisting all is now OK.

Now as I said she’s a social butterfly and never loses touch with anyone. So throughout all of this she is also out 2-3 nights per week (and almost every daytime too) with her other friends. This continues even now - this next week she’s out 6 nights out of 7 for example. This means I have no friends and never go out as I watch the children and do every bed time (she has genuinely done less than 10% of all bedtimes ever). This has left me feeling lonely and isolated and more like a convenient babysitter than a husband and father.

since our chats we’ve been much better, had very regular sex and told each other regularly how much we love each other. We’ve had some date nights and I’ve surprised her with a trip to Paris for our anniversary next month.

But her going out habits haven’t changed at all so I’m still stuck at home alone most of the time with nothing but my thoughts and I can’t go out as our DC are asleep upstairs. Last night for example she had an old work leaving party - she said she didn’t want to go, was telling me she was bored at 10pm but didn’t roll in drunk until 2.30am. I hadn’t slept as I kept expecting her back based on her texts. She’s now hungover so today (family day) is wasted as she can’t do anything anyway.

I’ve tried to tell her it’s too much in a nice way - “just remember we like to see you too haha”
or similar, but I genuinely feel like she’d rather do stuff with anyone but me even though she insists thats not true. We’ve never stayed out until 2.30am together and if I ever suggested it she would say no as she’d be too tired!

She recently mentioned wanting to go on a Butlins adult weekender with Bob as his ‘best friend’ and for the first time ever I had to say no to her. It sent my anxiety through the roof. I agonised over this and actually felt bad but I think this is a hard line and frankly not something I should even have to say - where is her respect for my feelings or our marriage?! She of course said she feels controlled now and she wants it to be like it was where “she could do anything she felt like and it was all OK” (her words). Don’t forget that this is all on top of her other plans with people - at least twice per week, plus the fire drill night every Thursday. She’s also now started arranging events with some new people she’s met on top of all the other stuff. I’m genuinely starting to wonder where I fit in, but she tells me I’m just being stupid and “she can’t stay home all the time”.

So, am I being unreasonable here? Should I let her do whatever she wants without issue? I genuinely could not be controlling it’s just not me, but I’m going insane with loneliness in my own marriage. If I can’t have my wife I don’t want anyone so I don’t want to find someone else to be happy with ever, but my heart is breaking here and I also feel like I already don’t have her and I’m just the glorified help and that being out 4-7 nights each week is not OK. She just tells me I’m being silly or unreasonable.

tl:dr wife always out with others I’m a live in helper is this OK.

Unfortunately your wife has realised she finds being a Mother boring.....I'd prepare for being a single parent OP.

Her and Bob will be, if not already, having an affair.

I've not read any replies so not sure if the " you're being controlling " brigade have posted their opinions.

Your just five year old will be at school, is your three year old in nursery? You work f/t 8-7 from home so is your wife a stay at home mum and the primary day time carer apart from the recent school run? Does that include getting your child up and dressed, packing their bag, making packed lunch, reading with them and writing in the home/school diary, washing and packing PE kit as required, arranging outfits for various dress up days, arranging and hosting after school play dates etc or do you just drive and drop off?

I'm not surprised that your wife needed something outside the home with a one year old and a three year old and a husband that worked 11 hours a day and that volunteer work around caring responsibilities seemed ideal. That time must have been hard for her and no doubt she felt very lonely.

You have focussed on the amount that your wife socialises in the evening (presumably when the work of mother and housekeeper is done and you have finished work so can take over and give her a break) to such an extent that pp assume that she is also an absent mother during the day 7am to 7pm. Is that fair? Comments like do 'your' DC even know who she is'. That you are the primary carer? On the basis that you do the school run and bedtime? Really? Childcare is a lot more than that. What about pick up and the time between that and 7pm. Who does that? What about medical and dental, what about school holidays, what about life admin? Who does that? Is your wife absent as a mother or volunteering and socialising with others after she has done all that. Big difference although not ideal for your marriage if she would rather socialise with others.

Your socialising with friends time in the evenings is unequal. 'Bob' may well be an issue. You don't need to ignore or diminish your wife's contributions for that to be recognised.

This is very unfair OP

it takes two to tango, you both decided to have children and therefore she should be doing atleast 50% jobs to look after your children.
Plus- surely it’s maternal instincts to want to spend time with the family right?

you’re not being unreasonable at all, the time she is spending with “Bob” should be her family time, especially since you’ve expressed how it gives you anxiety

@PocketSand
He also said "So throughout all of this she is also out 2-3 nights per week (and almost every daytime too) with her other friends. This continues even now - this next week she’s out 6 nights out of 7 for example."

and that "The other issue was the time she spent at the station. I genuinely felt like it was her main priority consuming 50% of her time, our DC came joint second with her phone (everyone comments on her phone useage) and I came last as under 5% of her priority."

so that's why people are assuming she's an absent or disinterested mother during the day too.

Yes I know what OP has said. That's why I asked if the three year old is in nursery. OP doesn't mention that his wife works during the day. Is she meeting other stay at home mums/friends who all have pre-school age children at toddler group or soft play or the park with her child that she cares for f/t? We don't know. It's all written as if she has dumped DC and DH for a single lifestyle. But he works 8-7 so that can't be true.

@PocketSand youve put your finger on what’s being bothering me since tte start.

The way the OP is describing things is giving is just enough to feel outraged, in part because she doesn’t fulfil the ‘role of a mother’ who isn’t supposed to go out and socialise as much as a single woman because her dcs come first and always before herself.
All the while he us very keen on telling us he is a model father who takes his dcs to school and picks them up whilst being a hard worker with long hours. What a perfect man/father!!

But some stuff just doesn’t add up.
If you are Working such long hours, you can’t be there that much for the dcs. There just isn’t enough hours in the day!
The OP has been really good at telling us about his job. But nothing about his dwife. Up to the point posters assumed that she must be aSAHM living from his wage. Is she?? If she was a SAHM, why is he taking the dcs to school? What about the 3yo? Are they at nursery or being looked after mum whilst he has to have a quiet house so he can work?? What about the previous years?
Same with the ‘im doing 40% of the HW’. Is that not normal?
Or not saying anything fir a year after he heard about the open marriage comment. I mean, the OP is supposed to be a solicitor but he can’t bring himself to say anything fir a whole year??

Same with the evenings - where he can’t go out or do anything ‘because she sees her friends’ but not because he’d love to spend the evening with her!

I don’t know. Whatever the issue is, it feels like we are given an edited version that is there to make us react in a certain way. Like a female version of what a lot of fathers do (bar Bob but he says that’s not a big issue because he trust her and they’ve had a chat?? - going out too much is) but even more unacceptable because she is a woman and she is supposed to want to be a homemaker?

OP said the issue was the amount of time that his wife spent at the station but said she only has to be there 1 night a week. His real issue seemed to be how much of a priority it was. And he thought it was 50% and her biggest priority. He thought that her DC were equal priority to her phone. This is totally batshit crazy. But some people would think this is you looked at your phone whilst taking care of your DC. Not actually people that did childcare for 11 hours a day and don't understand the need for the mental stimulation of sudoku or the escapism of dog/cat videos and memes but judgemental others with 'proper' jobs.

therefore she should be doing atleast 50% jobs to look after your children.

But she does.
As per the OP, he does 40% max of tte HW, clearner does 20% so that heaves 40% to the OP!!
Thats 50/50.

I think I'm a similar personality to your wife like to be out and about and ladette but no way would I expect my husband to put up with me being out that much or going away with a Bob type friend. She's not their for her family or prioritising you.

What are you getting from this marriage? You need to have it out with her and she needs to leave fire serivce. Shes taking the piss.

That's just the split of the cleaning. We know that the wife has not worked outside the home for the past 5 years + and has a 5 year old and 3 year old. We know that OP is a solicitor and works from home 8-7. We know he has been doing drop off since oldest started school. We know that the wife started volunteering about 2 years ago. We know that she socialises more than OP is happy with in the evenings (May be too much/unfair) and that she also goes out during the day sometimes but we don't know whether her younger child is with her.

In fact we know nothing about the wife's childcare responsibilities in the last five years because OP does not think they are relevant. Just that she socialises too much and he doesn't trust her around 'Bob'.

My DH is a FF, and what you've said is a lot of hours. Obviously don't know what county you're from, but they have drill night once a week 6-9pm. Some refresher courses but that's not often. And then respond from home whenever they get a shout.

Sounds like she is taking the absolute pi$$

I think ironically your problems stem from the fact that you are afraid to upset your DW because you are afraid to lose her. You need to say what you really think to her. If she doesnt like it, tough shit thats her problem and if your relationship ends it will be on her. Accept that this is a likely outcome and given how lowly she appears to value you, see how it might allow you to have a better future without her. Once she senses that change in you she will have lost her power over you and will either cut out the shitty behaviour or end your relationship.

It’s great to see a man getting the support here.
OP, that isn’t great. You need to start being firm with your opinion, lest she continues to take you for granted , resentment building on your side, whilst sge slowly starts to fall out of love with you cos … doormat. No woman likes a doormat for a partner. We do not love men we cannot respect & we do not respect doormats.

Sounds like it. Lol

Can you even believe the script flip ..?

This. Time to get your ducks in a row OP and see a good lawyer.

I work from home so I can be flexible - I do both school runs and yes youngest is at preschool. That’s how she can be a FF at all I'm
here so she can drop everything and run when the pager goes off.

Thanks for the replies everyone, we had a long chat earlier today and have agreed 2 nights max plus her fire drill night and the rest as us/family time. I’m feeling much better and we’ll see how things go.

I think you need to sit down with her and tell her bluntly this isn't working and it's best to get a divorce. This will possibly shock her into sorting herself out or she will be ok with it. Either way you haven't lost anything. By the sounds of it you're practically a single parent anyway. As for her calling you controlling for not wanting her to go away with another man...would she be ok with you going away with another woman?? If the situation were reversed and you were the one never at home you'd be absolutely slated. She wants the single life with her family at home. She wants to have her cake and eat it and make a bloody trifle out of it as well!

That poster has been on MN for years. Unlike the OP and the slew of Redditors on this thread.

Slow clap…

Sorry I’m happy that you have found a solution.

But I’m still staggered that, as a solicitor, you haven’t been able to do that earlier.
im that Bob isn’t an issue to you despite all the comments from friends etc... 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Or in other words, your wife is a stay at home mum, that's how you can drop everything and be a solicitor working 11 hours a day and be flexible when it suits to play the perfect dad.

Do you feel bad that you deliberately portrayed matters in a way that would lead to posters on mumsnet to vilify your wife? You have said nothing positive about your wife or the role she plays as a mother. It's all about how much you love her and how you much you do as a father - school run and bedtime. You have portrayed yourself as a victim and your wife as selfish and an absent mother. On a women's forum. Why? Manufacturing sympathy or do you intend to use replies to berate your wife? Why have you only selectively clarified when asked but have refused to clarify whether your wife is the primary carer 11 hours per day? If you love her so much why are you willing to let comments stand without correction?

You’re free to believe what you want. She had a job before the fire she just hated it (finance manager). She’s never been a SAH mum.

Don’t know why people are giving you stick on your update, @Dipped1981 It’s good you’ve spoken and your update is positive.

OP does not want a divorce and custody of a 5 and 3 year old. He is not a practically a single parent anyway. He works 11 hours a day ffs. From home so he can do the school run and he finishes work just before bedtime do he can get the badge.

His stay at home wife does the rest of the parenting thus facilitating his career. But she's a flighty one and can't be trusted. Plus she's a ladette (how very 90s) and a volunteer firefighter (laudable in a man but suspicious in a woman. especially if married with young children).

Thank you. I feel happier now and im
hoping we can move on from this.