Wow this became really long I’m sorry. Please read and help if you can.
I (M/42) and my wife (F/35) have been together for 11 years married for 8. We have two DD one just about 5 and one 3. I love my wife with all my heart so I’m feeling very down and lost at the moment.
Everything was fine until 2 years ago. My wife is a social butterfly who has never lost touch with any friend she’s ever had (seriously - this is important later) so she always had plans in her diary months in advance. When it was just us that was absolutely fine - I would never tell her what to do, I’m not controlling or jealous etc. all I asked was she told me where in case she needed me. I genuinely do at least 30-40% of the housework
and I do every school run as I work from home. I’m a solicitor so I’m very busy from 8am - 7pm most days.
When we had DD1 after 2 years TTC I thought we were deliriously happy and all was great so we went on to have DD2. 9 months after DD2 was born my wife told me that actually she felt trapped and crushed at home and wanted to become an on call firefighter in a local village. Fine I said I’ll support whatever you do.
At the time I had no idea what being an on call FF would be like. I thought she would occasionally be required to do some fire duties or something and it would give her something exciting to do around our family. I supported her through the 6 weeks in total RESIDENTIAL courses and she got in at the 3rd time of trying. We even had to have a friend here every day for weeks so that I could work.
From this point on everything started to go down hill. It became an obsession - she couldn’t be at the station enough! Turns out they actually have to be on call for at least 84 hours per week and they have a roster that must be stuck to day and night. Also to get through probation they have to do a ton of write ups and quizzes and courses and community days etc. The shouts themselves are random and clustered so she says it’s not a big deal, but it’s everything that comes with it that caused an issue. It’s insidious and has worked it’s way into every aspect of our lives - she constantly thinks about it or is down there doing something for it and she’s admitted she has to be around it. They’re all the same not just her but it’s bizarre.
As a probie she was assigned a mentor - call him Bob. Bob (m/37) was going through a rough marriage breakup and my wife became his support network - this is very in character for her. The problem was she started going out socially with Bob to cheer him up and let him talk, first with other friends or colleagues, then alone. I trusted her implicitly and again would never say no to her doing things. Now my wife is a bit of a ladette and to be in that make environment you have to be, so she can be very inappropriate with innocent sexual banter etc. All fine I know her.
The issues started when people kept insinuating that her and Bob were having an affair as they had become so close and the sexual jokes escalated. Friends even noticed and her boss called her into the office to tell her to tone it down - he even suggested we must have an open marriage it had gone that far! I then began to think “if everyone else is saying it, should I be worried?!” And this thought escalated into total paranoia about it. Rationally I trusted her, irrationally I was terrified she was cheating. We didn’t even have sex for 7 months.
this went on for a year before I finally confronted her about it. She was shocked and had no idea I felt this way. We cried and talked and I believe her nothing happened with Bob or anyone else, but this was just one issue we resolved. The other issue was the time she spent at the station. I genuinely felt like it was her main priority consuming 50% of her time, our DC came joint second with her phone (everyone comments on her phone useage) and I came last as under 5% of her priority. She was shocked by this too and things have been better. She kept saying she would quit the fire (which secretly I would love but would never make her do) but I know if she did she would just resent me and we’d be over within 6 months anyway as a result. The only option is to keep the fire and be secretly unhappy with its negative effect on our relationship whilst smiling and insisting all is now OK.
Now as I said she’s a social butterfly and never loses touch with anyone. So throughout all of this she is also out 2-3 nights per week (and almost every daytime too) with her other friends. This continues even now - this next week she’s out 6 nights out of 7 for example. This means I have no friends and never go out as I watch the children and do every bed time (she has genuinely done less than 10% of all bedtimes ever). This has left me feeling lonely and isolated and more like a convenient babysitter than a husband and father.
since our chats we’ve been much better, had very regular sex and told each other regularly how much we love each other. We’ve had some date nights and I’ve surprised her with a trip to Paris for our anniversary next month.
But her going out habits haven’t changed at all so I’m still stuck at home alone most of the time with nothing but my thoughts and I can’t go out as our DC are asleep upstairs. Last night for example she had an old work leaving party - she said she didn’t want to go, was telling me she was bored at 10pm but didn’t roll in drunk until 2.30am. I hadn’t slept as I kept expecting her back based on her texts. She’s now hungover so today (family day) is wasted as she can’t do anything anyway.
I’ve tried to tell her it’s too much in a nice way - “just remember we like to see you too haha”
or similar, but I genuinely feel like she’d rather do stuff with anyone but me even though she insists thats not true. We’ve never stayed out until 2.30am together and if I ever suggested it she would say no as she’d be too tired!
She recently mentioned wanting to go on a Butlins adult weekender with Bob as his ‘best friend’ and for the first time ever I had to say no to her. It sent my anxiety through the roof. I agonised over this and actually felt bad but I think this is a hard line and frankly not something I should even have to say - where is her respect for my feelings or our marriage?! She of course said she feels controlled now and she wants it to be like it was where “she could do anything she felt like and it was all OK” (her words). Don’t forget that this is all on top of her other plans with people - at least twice per week, plus the fire drill night every Thursday. She’s also now started arranging events with some new people she’s met on top of all the other stuff. I’m genuinely starting to wonder where I fit in, but she tells me I’m just being stupid and “she can’t stay home all the time”.
So, am I being unreasonable here? Should I let her do whatever she wants without issue? I genuinely could not be controlling it’s just not me, but I’m going insane with loneliness in my own marriage. If I can’t have my wife I don’t want anyone so I don’t want to find someone else to be happy with ever, but my heart is breaking here and I also feel like I already don’t have her and I’m just the glorified help and that being out 4-7 nights each week is not OK. She just tells me I’m being silly or unreasonable.
tl:dr wife always out with others I’m a live in helper is this OK.