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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this suspicious?

104 replies

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 12:54

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and while I was pregnant my partner started going out(he had never really gone out unless it was a works night out maybe once or twice a year) which isn’t an issue in itself but he stayed out all night a handful of times and never contacted me or he’d say he’d be home soon then never came home also he’d go out and say I’m just going to the shop or I’m just nipping here then just stay out. He was supposedly at his brothers house every time and the next morning he would text me saying sorry I feel asleep and the last time he stayed out he said my brother was feeling low so I stayed and talked to him(every time he’s been out for ages or not came home it’s always his friend or someone was having a hard time and he was consoling them it’s the same story every time.
He went to to get cigarettes one night(there’s a shop less than a minute away in the car) and he took about an hour came back said he went to the garage cos it’s just habit as he stops there on his way to work(garage is a 5/10 minute drive) and texts me on his way home an hour later to say he’d bumped in to his friend from work and he had broke down so had to give him a lift home. He’s said that another time he went somewhere though months later.
Everytime he answers the phone he turns his volume down even if it’s his work mates.
take his phone everywhere with him even in the middle of the night going to the toilet or for a cigarette.
He wakes up randomly in the night and goes in the kitchen for ages and shuts the door. I got up for the toilet one night and opened the kitchen door and heard the noise as if he was sat on the worktop and was coming down off it.
Every night he says he’s going to bed and goes through to the bedroom but never actually goes to sleep he’ll sit on his phone for hours(and I know he masturbates sometimes) I’ve walked in a few times and he’s startled.
I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head but he does all these little things that make me uneasy and suspicious. Am I clutching at straws or would anyone else be suspicious?
He’s away out for lunch with his work mates this afternoon and I just feel like crap he went and got his haircut, got the ironing board out etc and never makes that effort to go anywhere with me my stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
sweatynoob · 22/07/2023 12:56

Very suspicious

Toothiepegg · 22/07/2023 12:58

Yes this is all very suspicious, sorry.

Enforceddrysummer · 22/07/2023 13:05

Sorry, but it's totally suspicious. I really feel for you. It's best to find out what's going on and deal with it. Not fun with the hormones at the moment.

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:07

I wasn’t sure as he’s very good at throwing you off he makes out he’s perfect and he’s got an answer for everything. He’ll always say he’s always here and comes home straight from work so when would he have time to cheat so it confuses me. My question though is if I was the woman on the other side unless I knew about the girlfriend why is the man I’m seeing only seeing me every free weeks/months? Unless it’s multiple different women

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/07/2023 13:07

Why are you with this half hearted excuse for a relationship anyway even if he hasn’t cheated?

Summer2424 · 22/07/2023 13:07

Hi @Moonchild5 i'm so sorry you're going through this, just 3 weeks after giving birth. I seriously don't know why men do this. For now hun focus on yourself and your baby. This time is very crucial for healing, you just had a baby.
With regards to your partner please just put him to one side for now, see how he gets on in the coming weeks and when you feel stronger discuss these issues with him. Sending you lots of strength to get through this time xx

Justcallmebebes · 22/07/2023 13:11

Yes, it doesn't sound good. Could he be visiting escorts? Although I'm not sure how that explains him mia all night. Would account for disappearing for a couple of hours tho

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:14

I have asked him to leave a few times but I come home & he’ll just be sat watching tv like nothings happened & says if I really want him to leave then pack his stuff but knows I won’t as I said to him I do everything else for you I’m not going to pack your bags as well but don’t know if he wants me to pack his bags so he can tell everyone I chucked him out

OP posts:
Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:25

That would explain where his wages go lol but I don’t think so

OP posts:
Flashingtealights · 22/07/2023 13:26

Congratulations on your new baby Spend this time with your baby and try as hard as you can to enjoy it.
It does sound extremely suspicious, no reason at all to be skulking around the house shutting doors in the middle of the night, unless you're up to no good. Aside from that going out then not coming home, and not even calling to give you the heads up,esp when you have a new baby is fucking unbelievably irresponsible and selfish. Sounds like you got two babies to look after. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:33

This is the first time he’s been out since I’ve given birth so will see if he returns home he said he’ll only be a few hours

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/07/2023 13:33

don’t know if he wants me to pack his bags so he can tell everyone I chucked him out

TELLS YOU TO PACK HIS STUFF?? wtf are windows for?? out of the window with it followed by a suitcase or two. If it's raining and the stuff gets wet all the better.

Unicornmagic34 · 22/07/2023 13:37

Congratulations on your new baby, you really need to look after you and baby now but I will say my ex was the same... he would go out and not come back for ages or when he went on nights out he wouldn't come home. He would again use he was on his mates sofa because he was having a hard time, all that crap. He cheated and on the occasions he disappeared for a few hours he was going picking drugs up. It look me a while to leave ( I had just had a baby when I realised ) so I made sure i was well and strong enough to leave. I distanced myself emotionally from him and then threw him out.
Best thing I ever did throwing him out. No more stressing over him wondering what he is doing where he is.
You should be enjoying your baby not worrying over this arse hole. They don't care about us so why should we waste our time thinking about them.
I wish you all the luck and strength

warmmfeet · 22/07/2023 13:43

I have been with someone who often came out with the same excuses, a friend is having a hard time and I need to support them, family crisis etc etc always things that were not only excuses but they made him out to be some sort of hero / caring human being. Of which he is basically neither! He was seeing two other girls behind my back.

I'm so sorry. Some people are completely comfortable with lying straight to your face. I can imagine in your position you have wanted to believe him and focus on your baby being born. Congratulations by the way. What difficult timing.

Only you know the right thing to do from here. I really hope you have lots of support from elsewhere . Try to pour as much of your energy and focus into your post natal recovery and your precious baby x

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:55

That’s crazy they all use the same lines/excuses is there some sort of book they all read lol yes I know he’s been out to pick up drugs a few times no idea how that takes so long though unless he sits there taking some for a while before coming home. I guess he has cheated on me at some point then but I’d never be able to prove it. He’s got an answer for everything anyone listening to me saying he’s done XY and Z would say well how do you know that & i’d have nothing to say I’d just look crazy it’s so frustrating

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 22/07/2023 14:07

@Moonchild5 extremely suspicious. He doesn’t sound like he’s a very good partner though regardless of any cheating?

Unicornmagic34 · 22/07/2023 14:22

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 13:55

That’s crazy they all use the same lines/excuses is there some sort of book they all read lol yes I know he’s been out to pick up drugs a few times no idea how that takes so long though unless he sits there taking some for a while before coming home. I guess he has cheated on me at some point then but I’d never be able to prove it. He’s got an answer for everything anyone listening to me saying he’s done XY and Z would say well how do you know that & i’d have nothing to say I’d just look crazy it’s so frustrating

I totally get that you might feel you look crazy without the evidence but drug use is enough to leave, especially when you have a baby. Plus if your not happy you have every right to leave and your friends and family will only want you to be happy regardless of any reasons.. I don't think I told anyone how bad my situation was because I embarrassed but everyone said they just knew I wasn't happy.
They don't care about the reasons really. We think we need them to cement us leaving but we really don't. You and the baby are all that matters here, your happiness not his.

snapcracklepop10 · 22/07/2023 14:26

Taking drugs and driving home is enough to throw him out for me. He obviously would never admit to cheating by the sounds of it. Get rid OP, you don't need these worries and stresses so soon after giving birth. Concentrate on your little one and having him out your home will be a massive weight off your shoulders not having him sneaking around, you will be able to enjoy your home again. It's a rainy day today, chuck his shit out the windows and hope it rains a little harder x

AmITooOldToDoThis · 22/07/2023 14:30

Presumably he was pulling this shit before you got pregnant, OP?

Seaoftroubles · 22/07/2023 14:36

This is awful behaviour, very suspicious but the fact he takes drugs would be enough for me. You have a tiny baby and surely the though of your newborn having to be in the same home as a drug user is reason enough to chuck him out immediately. You need to be able to concentrate on your baby and not be angsting about this immature idiot.

Flashingtealights · 22/07/2023 14:38

So you know he goes out to pick up drugs,
Maybe it's just me but I have as little tolerance for drug taking fools as I do for cheating fools. With a new baby on the scene now might be a good idea for him to stop that shit and grow up

5128gap · 22/07/2023 15:02

He's a type OP. Drink, drugs, mates, other women doing what he pleases when he likes.
However nice he can be when he feels like it, his type always make rubbish family men.
It sounds like he is up to no good, but even if he isn't, he isn't going to give you and your baby the life you could have, either with a better man, or on your own without him to worry about.

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 15:10

AmITooOldToDoThis · 22/07/2023 14:30

Presumably he was pulling this shit before you got pregnant, OP?

Not the going out but everything else yes. He only started going when I fell pregnant for some weird reason

OP posts:
Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 15:11

Seaoftroubles · 22/07/2023 14:36

This is awful behaviour, very suspicious but the fact he takes drugs would be enough for me. You have a tiny baby and surely the though of your newborn having to be in the same home as a drug user is reason enough to chuck him out immediately. You need to be able to concentrate on your baby and not be angsting about this immature idiot.

Apparently he hasn’t took any in months I told him I don’t want to be with someone that takes drugs the first time I found out then he proceeded to try harder to hide it

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 22/07/2023 15:15

He takes drugs, he smokes, he is secretive with his phone, he stays out all night - why on earth are you putting up with this? Kick him out. Don't pack his bags, shove it all in bin liners and put it outside, change the locks and don't let him back in.